Dear Mr. Goodell,

What the hell are you thinking? And I mean that with all due respect.

Since you've been in office you have initiated what is deemed by many to be off-the-wall penalties for players with minor indiscretions. We all were young once. Surely you remember the impetuousness of youth. So what if a player gets arrested 10 times for DUI, illegal weapons and underage drinking? Is that any reason to suspend him from his job for a year? I know I wouldn't be able to afford to not work for a year. How are these youths going to feed their families? Harsh, Mr. Goodell. Very harsh.

You've also facilitated a summit for, of all things, concussions. Come on, Roger. Is this really necessary? I mean, a bunch of owners and players sitting around a table butting heads. There is enough of that during actual games. This is a waste of time. And energy.

Now your latest show of authority displays your berating of Clinton Portis' statements about Michael Vick's alleged dogfights. Will you just get off his back? You never liked him. You are just using this as a vehicle for profiling certain players. This is not the Spanish inquisition; this is a free country. Mr. Portis is exercising his right to free speech. For you to take that right away is totally and emphatically UN-AMERICAN.

And speaking of being UN-AMERICAN, why do you insist to deprive AMERICAN fans of seeing their home team by scheduling a game in a foreign land? There are a finite number of games that home team fans can physically attend.. Eight, to be precise. Now you want to take one away? Oh, if only the McCarthy hearings were still going on, I would suggest your name be at the top of the list.

I could go on and on countering your every move since you became sheriff. But Ricky just came back in and told me he fixed the bong, so we're going to sit around and meditate on the meaning of life. After that we'll get some chips and Twinkies and watch reruns of last season's Toronto Argonauts games.

Ah, the CFL. Clearly the better league.

Signed,
Stephen Harper

Ricky William's new book deal has been the buzz all over the web. Funny prospective book titles have been put up on messages boards all over the place. I thought I would post some here. By the way, the really funny ones are mine.

1. Between the Hashes
2. 3rd Down and a Puff of Smoke
3. Ricky Williams and the Howhiami Dolphins
4. Deep Down, I'm Really a Green Bowl Packer
5. 4th and Bowl
6. Pass the Super Bowl
7. Ricky Williams: I Can Take a Hit
8. ...with 4:20 Left on the Clock
9. In My Own Herbs
10. Hairy Pothead and the Sorcerer's Stoned
11. The Bong Show
12. Waiting to Exhale
13. Taking Miami to a New High
14. Ganja with the Wind
15. Shit! I Can't Get Off the Pot!
16. Lighting it Up
17. The Green, Green Grass of Home
18. Score!
19. From Handoff to Handout
20. Toronto and the Lone Ganja

Feel free to add some of your own in the comments section.

EDIT: If you have Sirius Radio please listen to Moving the Chains.  That show is one of the most informative shows on the NFL.  Most of the above were quoted on their show.

You have been married to a wonderful woman for the last 13 years or so. She was a former Beauty Queen and although her legs aren't as they once were, they certainly don't look bad.

You look at her and try to think of at least 15 women who you would rather have. Of course, having someone new would certainly be fun, but with your wife you know exactly what you have. She knows you inside and out; she knows how to make you happy-or at least the spirit is willing. Sure, she may burn the dinner once in a while (though lately it seems like more often than not), but she is in this marriage to the end. She knows what it takes to keep you satisfied and she does it with gusto.

To you, she is very, very sexy. She still has that youthful exuberance, a desire to please her man, and a right arm that just doesn't quit. (You could tell I need to get some, huh?)

Throughout your marriage, she has pretty much kept to herself, never wanting to ruffle feathers. She is starting to voice her opinions now, but she is doing that out of frustration more than anything else. She needs to know her family still needs her and supports her. Without her having that supporting cast, she will most certainly encounter failure-which is something she is not used to at all.

You see, before she came along, you were nothing but a big windbag. You were living on your laurels, always talking about what was-never about what will be. She picked you up by your bootstraps, made you believe in the present and handed you the best years of your life.

Your buddy is telling you to let her go-live it up; you're better off without her. I say don't do it. Don't listen to Adam Schein.

Instead, seek counseling.

Did you feel a draft? No, not the NFL Draft, but that brisk breeze that just whisked by. I think it was caused by Randy Moss. He is still one the NFL's speediest; he was told he would be a Patriot and ran a post from Oakland to Foxboro before his agent hung up the phone.

It seems that the Patriots consistently do what they feel it takes to get their team where it needs to be. They have an agenda and a goal and they stick with it. Other franchises cannot boast the same commitment.

Oakland has a higher employee turnover rate than McDonald's and with less customer satisfaction. The players and coaches are consistently not happy and there is a basic lack of morale. Robert Gallery never lived up to the plug-n-play hype; Art Shell was a bust the second time around; Moss was disgruntled; and Al Davis sits perched atop his throne with his violin whilst Rome burns around him, JaMarcus Russell notwithstanding.

Another team that had such promise and a long window of opportunity was the Kansas City Chiefs. Herm Edwards has that personality trait that husbands usually have-they "yes" the wife to death, and do what they want anyway. He swore up and down he wasn't leaving the Jets, but when the money was thrown at him, he left New York's screen door swinging in the summer air when he booked to Missouri. Now, he seems to be cleaning house. Get rid of Trent Green, shop Larry Johnson, let the offensive line retire, lose Dante Hall, but don't worry, "Cuz, we gonna win!" We will be feeling the Mr. Gonzalez breeze shortly, I'm sure.

Lance Briggs wanted to make his own draft in the chill of Chicago, but the door got slammed in his face before he was able to muster up enough steam. Once his agent unlocks that door, you will think Hurricane Katrina hit Illinois.

The jury is still out if the draft is a good or a bad thing. I guess we'll just have to ask Jeff Gordon.

The Super Bowl Champion Indianapolis Colts are meeting with President Bush at the White House today. Jim Irsay, owner of the Colts, chartered a jet and will take those players and coaches who were the biggest part of the Super Bowl win.

A few questions arise with this whole scenario.

1. Why did it take so long to set up this meeting? It seems a tad inconvenient with the draft coming up on Saturday, doesn't it?

2. Dominic Rhodes, Nick Harper, and Cato June will be attending. These players are no longer with the team. It's the equivalent of going to your ex-wife's engagement party. How awkward can you get?

3. Will this meeting be cut short because of Boris Yeltsin's untimely demise?

4. Is President Bush a Bears fan?

Raise your hand if you wish you could be a fly on the wall in this little soiree. I'll try to speculate on the conversation that will transpire.

BUSH: (Outstretched arms) Gentlemen, welcome to my humble abode.

IRSAY: (Shaking hands with the President) Thank you very much, sir. This is a real honor and privilege to be here. Let me introduce to our head coach, Tony Dungy.

DUNGY: (Shaking hands with the President) It's a pleasure, sir.

BUSH: I don't believe I have ever seen you without a baseball cap. You look a little like Britney Spears, heh, heh. You know the head coach is the Commander-In-Chief of the football team. I'm the Commander-In-Chief of the United States, so we sort of have something in common, heh, heh.

DUNGY: (With utmost composure) Uh, yes, sir.

BUSH: (To Peyton Manning) So, you must be the quarterback of this fine team. You know, the quarterback is like the General on a battlefield. I'm like the General of the United States, so we sort of have something in common, heh, heh.

MANNING: (With utmost composure) Uh, yes, sir.

(Dead silence. President Bush stands around with his hands on his hips, grinning)

IRSAY: (Breaking silence) Mr. President, this is Cato June, a valuable asset to our Super Bowl winning defense.

BUSH: (Shaking hands) Cato, huh? So, you're kind of like Bruce Lee in The Green Hornet.

JUNE: (Looking around for help)

DUNGY: Uh, that was before his time.

BUSH: Oh, I see. Sure. Well, Cato, you are like a soldier on the football field. I'm not a soldier, I'm Commander-In-Chief. But, you know, we had a soldier in Afghanistan who was in...

ADVISOR: (whispering something in President Bush's ear)

BUSH: Oh... Well, keep up the good work, Cato. I bet your teammates are looking forward to playing with you again. Perhaps you can win another Super Bowl.

ADVISOR: (whispering something in President Bush's ear)

BUSH: Oh... Well, it certainly was a pleasure to meet you all. I wish I could spend more time with you, but I have pay a shiva call to Boris Yeltsin's family. Do you know where I could get a good fruit cake?

Indeed we do, Mr. President. Indeed we do.