We've all heard the names before: Namath, Tittle, Favre, Montana, Tarkenton. These are NFLers we know by one name. We don't need the given name to bring up a vivid picture in our minds of who they are. Like Elvis, Charo, O.J., Liberace, or Ali, we know these famous people by a single moniker.

But, more often than not, when speaking of other elite players from the NFL, you need both names: Jerry Rice, Walter Payton, Jim Brown, Barry Sanders, etc.

Today, there are players who have similar or identical (read that forgettable) names who play completely different positions. This can get to be a tad bit confounding.

Here's a list of some of those:

Derrick Johnson, Cornerback, CB, Atlanta Falcons
Derrick Johnson, Linebacker, LB, Kansas City Chiefs

Michael Lewis, Safety, S, San Francisco 49ers
Michael Lewis, Wide Receiver, WR, New Orleans Saints

Alex Smith, Tight end, TE, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Alex Smith, Quarterback, QB, San Francisco 49ers

Mike Williams, Tackle, T, Jacksonville Jaguars
Mike Williams, Wide Receiver, WR, Detroit Lions

Roy Williams, Safety, S, Dallas Cowboys
Roy Williams, Wide Receiver, WR, Detroit Lions

There's also Roydell Williams, Wide Receiver, WR, Tennessee Titans, whom, I am sure, was called "Roy" at one point in his life.

Then there are the homophones. (No, not homophobes, you idiot.) These are name that sound alike, but are spelled differently. For instance:

Donnie Jones, Punter, P, Miami Dolphins
Dahni Jones, Linebacker, LB, Philadelphia Eagles

From the speed-reading department come names like:

Bryan Johnson, Running back, RB, Chicago Bears
Bryant Johnson, Wide Receiver, WR, Arizona Cardinals

Watch out for that "t". Sometimes they just sneak up on ya.

Speaking of Bryant-I remember hearing the tail end of a broadcast where the announcer said, "Young will return to the 49ers." His sidekick said that Young was too old to return to the field. Immediately I thought of Steve Young and thought, "Is he crazy?" Shows you what an idiot I was. Although I still think that announcers should use both names and qualify that when speaking of the player by using his position and team.

You can see how this can get confusing and how people can make mistakes. I was reading about Adrian Peterson, Running back, RB, Chicago Bears, and immediately thought I was in a coma and missed the NFL Draft. I quickly went on-line to check. Sure enough, there it was. Adrian Peterson is projected to go to the Cleveland Browns in one mock draft I read.

If that isn't enough to scratch your head, check this out. And I am not making this up-unlike most of the other crap I write. (Here are links to prove it, plus a screenshot in case they fixed it by the time you read this.)


http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/player?categoryId=300165
Foxsports.com lists Chicago Bears linebacker Rod Wilson as #59. His picture is posted there-a white guy in a suit.

http://www.nfl.com/players/playerpage/552682 
On NFL.com, they list Chicago Bears linebacker Rod Wilson as #64. His picture is posted as an African-American in a jersey. Both have the same birthdate.

The media and the NFL do not make mistakes. Therefore, only one conclusion is possible.

They are twins.

It's common knowledge that the word "fan" is short for "fanatic." These "fans" go to great length to emulate their heroes on the field. They wear their favorite player's number, their favorite team's sweatshirt; they may even go so far as to paint their house the colors of the local Pro Team. But, some people take the affinity for their favorite team a bit too far. You wonder what the hell they were thinking.

Did you ever see a balding 45-year-old man with a beer gut wear a Kobe Bryant jersey? Did you ever see that same guy wear a Kobe Bryant jersey with no undershirt? You'd swear there was a full moon out.

There was one guy who loved the Chicago Bears so much, he bet if the Bears didn't win the Super Bowl he would change his name to Peyton Manning. I vote he changes his middle name to Dumbass.

In my opinion, the most flagrant of all fanaticism was made by a very famous woman. I can understand the average person wanting to be like one of the heroes of the gridiron-they have their 9-5 job, living paycheck to paycheck, so they need a little excitement in their lives-but when you are revered by millions, have a successful career, and are still in your 20s, then I think there is no excuse for your behavior.

To what I am referring is, of course, Britney Spears' almost cult-like desire to look like the Super Bowl winning coach, Tony Dungy.

The proof, as they say, is in the pudding (see pic above). What's next, plastic surgery?

So, you're sitting at your desk at work reading this. As you look around your cube farm and ruminate over your co-workers' habits, histories and home-life, ask yourself how many times do you think those regular shmoes with whom you work everyday, day in and day out, can-

Be arrested?
Assault someone?
Be shot at?
Give alcohol to minors?
Be involved in a stabbing?
Run over a parking enforcement official?
Be implicated in date rape?
Have sex with a babysitter?
Take things that don't belong to them?
Have an arsenal of weapons in their trunk?
Take a nude drive through their favorite fast food restaurant?
Solicit a prostitute?

-without being fired by your company?

Everything I listed above has been done by an NFL player on various teams, at one time or another. Sometimes, the offender has done multiple things on this list.

The ratio of NFLers in trouble with the law to the rest of the population in any given work environment in corporate America is way out of proportion. Think about how many players are involved in off-field altercations in relation to the co-workers on your team. With the exception of the guy over the wall from me who Xeroxed his ass at the office Holiday party, I can safely say I don't know anyone within shouting distance that has either total disregard for the law, or luck that bad, where they are consistently in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The most recent player in the news-which shows you that even though one is not actually involved in an alleged crime, when it comes down to it, NFL players seem to be quite magnetic-is Patrick Kerney, now the DE for the Seattle Seahawks. He was sleeping in his house while a date rape was going on. SLEEPING! He either has a freaking huge house where he needs a bus to go to the bathroom, or his waterbed was filled with ether for him not to hear anything going on.

And, what about the alleged perps? How horny do you have to be? I don't think I would want to force myself upon a woman who has Patrick Kerney sleeping in the next room.

I have a lot more to say on the subject but, I have to go now. My boss wants to talk to me about his missing stapler.

I read the news today, oh, boy. The defensive free agents this year are making a goddamned killing.

I know what you're thinking-"These contracts are just for show, the players could be cut at any time with no remuneration. Just look at Drew Bledsoe's non-existent $100 million contract." Ok maybe you wouldn't use the word "remuneration," but, I just want to say that the current trend proves otherwise.

Atlanta Falcons DE Patrick Kerney has signed with the Seattle Seahawks for $19.5 million in guaranteed money.

Joey Porter agreed to play for the Miami Dolphins for five years for $32 million with $20 million guaranteed.

And, good ol' Nate Clements, the highest paid defensive player in league history, signed with the San Francisco 49ers for $80 million with $22 million guaranteed.

Is this insane to anyone but me? This may be big business, but let's get real-it's still just a fucking game. Can anyone tell me what other professions could actually be worth getting $20 million? How about cancer researchers? Bridge builders? NASA scientists? How about neuron-surgeons? Hell, Jonas Salk found a cure for polio and he probably couldn't have gotten aboard the Minnesota Vikings' Love Boat.

All I'm saying is let's put this in perspective. Don Maynard, the Super Bowl III wide receiver who helped the New York Jets win the title in 1969, played for $7600 in his rookie year with the New York Giants. He, along with many other players at that time, had to work second jobs in the off season to make a decent wage. Maynard, a college graduate, made $8600 being a plumber when he wasn't wearing his number 13 jersey. Imagine that? A plumber making more than a wide receiver. Ahh, those were the days.

Chris Deilman left $10 million on the table to re-sign with the San Diego Chargers. A lot of people are touting this guys ethics. "Kudos for staying with the team and not going for the money!" they shout. Hello? He is still making $39 million-and he isn't even the quarterback.

All this talk of people making millions playing a kid's game is making me a little ill. There are regular, every-day people out there with regular, everyday problems. I know, I'm one of them. I have to go now because I'm taking out a second mortgage to get the Roto-Rooter guy to come fix my leaking toilet. I hope it's Don Maynard-maybe I could get an autograph.