(Editor's Note: This article has yet to appear, but will debut in June 2007 at a Newspaper near you.  Although events and teams are subject to change, the chances of either are highly unlikely...This is pretty much set in stone)

New York -- Almost 10 years since the Boston Celtics saw franchise center Tim Duncan slip through their hands, Boston was finally awarded with the top overall selection in the upcoming NBA Draft.

However, combining a little bit of irony, and two decades worth of tragedy as only the Celtics could, that selection will be neither Kevin Durant or Greg Oden.

In a shocking move, both freshman declared in seperate press conferences late last night that they would be following in the footsteps of Florida superstar Joakim Noah, and put off their NBA careers to return to their college teams.

"I'm having way too much fun here in college, and would regret passing up this positive experience at such a young point in my life," said Oden, whose Buckeyes lost to the Florida Gators in the Final Four.  "I look forward to returning next season and showing what I can do when I don't have one hand tied behind my back."

Texas superstar forward Kevin Durant, the consensus National Player of the Year, will also remain in school after falling just short of a Championship against Noah's Gators last March.

"I'm not sure why anyone would throw away a season to get me," said Durant in response to a chorus of boos from the Boston media.  "I never gave any indication that I was (going pro) early.

Boston general manager Danny Ainge, who has not made a public appearnce since his jubilant "Irish jig" dance following the NBA's draft selection show, has already begun scheduling workouts and entertaining offers for the first overall pick.

Among the first  collegiate players who worked out for Ainge was Pittsburgh's seven foot center Aaron Gray, who averaged 15 points and nine rebounds as a senior.

"We really like Aaron a lot and will continue to evaluate him while keeping all other options open for the time being," Ainge told reporters from an undisclosed location.  "We feel he can contribute immediately and would be fortunate to have him."

Gray, projected to be a late first rounder, saw his draft stock rise in the Celtics scouting evaluations when it was revealed that he has the same brain type as Hall of Famer Hakeem Olujawon.

Ainge, if you recall, once signed forward Brian Scalabrine to a large multi-year contract after he tested as having the same brain type as Michael Jordan.

"The way I see it, is that we already have the next Michael Jordan in Scals, and have the opportunity to get a person who thinks like Hakeem," said Ainge.  "So by my ingenious studies, we are not too far off from recreating the original dream team."

Celtics coach Doc Rivers, who received a seven year contract extension during the offseason, has expressed his desire to draft versatile forward Julian Wright, in hopes of recreating the Walker/Pierce tandem that once led the Celtics to the Eastern Conference finals.

Meanwhile, Celtics forward Paul Pierce has been unaviable for comment, but has reportedly been seen attending group therapy sessions with Kevin Garnett, Allen Iverson, and Lebron James as they try and cope with incompetent GM's that have wasted the prime of their careers.

While fans are understandably sulking in Boston, Knicks fans have begun to take a much more light-hearted approach following a season that saw them improving to 34 wins and an Atlantic Division title.

Chants of "Fire Thomas" has been replaced, at least temporarily, by chants of "At least we're not Boston!". 

In related news, sources within the Knicks organization have reported that Knicks are trying to move  up to target Gray or Nick Fazekas after it was rumored that the Hawks have already guaranteed one of them will be selected with the third overall pick.

The Hawks made a similar deal last year when they selected Shelden Williams with the fifth overall pick.  Williams averaged nearly four points, three rounds, and almost one block in his rookie season.

In unrelated news, the Timberwolves Kevin McHale announced that they have traded their first round selection, eighth overall, for Clippers center Chris Kaman. 

(Editor's Note: This post may contain some materials that some may consider offensive, even in poor taste.  But if we could all learn to not take ourselves so seriously this note would not be neccesary)

Life is tough for the recently graduated.  While working freelance at several small papers, covering high school games in Cowtown, Texas some may be forced to take menial jobs.  Take a clerk's job at the local Veteran's hospital for example.

The pay is lousy, the people are rude, and entertaining moments that stimulate the mind are few and far in between.  The higlight of my short stint at this particular job, heckling a wheelchair basketball league.

With that in mind, here are the top 10 things not to say when watching a wheelchair basketball game (especially when the audience has been trained in numerous forms of armed and unarmed combat):

10.) Let's start the wave.

9.)  How about a standing ovation.

8.) Let's go defense, move your feet.

7.) Oh come on ref, he stepped out.

6.) No three, his foot was on the line.

5.) Get off your ass and play some defense!

4.) Come on ref, that was an obvious walk! (A Mark Cuban favorite)

3.) That shooter is on a roll.

2.) That point guard's got wheels!

1.) Just because it's a wheelchair league doesn't mean the refs have to be blind (the crowd actually applauded this one.)

Well, there you have it.  This post will probably be deleted in the morning as it may only be funny in my sleep deprived mind and a second, rested glance will prove otherwise.  I'll probably let you decide.  Just a note, I used this material at the game and most laughed. 

For those of you offended, well, there are no cuts in the line to hell.  So if you're already going might as well as have fun.

Miami -- In a sudden change of heart, sources close to Bill Parcells revealed the future Hall of Fame coach reached an agreement late Thursday night to return to the sidelines with the Philadelphia Eagles. 

The current head coach of the Eagles, Andy Reid, would neither confirm nor deny the hiring of Parcells.  However, the Eagles have scheduled a press conference for early Sunday morning where the announcement is expected to be made official.

Parcells spent most of the week barricaded inside his Valley Ranch office, but did grant a brief interview by phone.

"I thought I (retired) too, but I'd be a fool not to listen.  This is America after all," said Parcells.  "I've never been one to stay too predictable in my career, not to be offensive or anything, but I have a lot of 'Jap' plays up my sleeve."

If anything, critics have pointed out that Parcells was a little to predictable last season, leading the Cowboys to one of the worst second half collapses in recent memory. 

Ironically, one of the reasons that drove Parcells to retire just might be a key to his return.  Terrell Owens, the controversial wide receiver who recently stated that Parcells retirement was "needed", is said to have stirred a competitive response in the former Dallas coach.

"In football, there is winning and there is misery.  And then there's sharing a locker room with that player," said Parcells, still refusing to mention Owens by name, a practice that begin early last training camp.

Parcells position within the Eagles organization has yet to be determined, as Reid will retain his job, but sources claim  that Parcells will join the staff as the new quarterbacks coach.

Although the position acts as a demotion, it allows Parcells an opportunity to work closely with quarterbacks Jeff Garcia and Donavan McNabb, who both have been slighted by Owens  in the past.

Those close to Parcells believe that he is hoping the anti-Owens bond shared between the team rejuvenates him in the same way that it ressurected the career of Jeff Garcia.

McNabb, who is currently not returning phone calls, stated through his agent that he is looking forward to working with any coach who can save him from passing more than 40 times a game.

Garcia, who is coming off a run in which he lead the Eagles to the playoffs, was very enthuisastic towards the recent news and believe Parcells will excel in his new position.

"Just because an individual in his 60s hasn't found true love, and, yes, there are opportunities -- but it also forces you to be more particular," said Garcia.  "In so many ways, you become more adamant about finding that right team and not allowing yourself to open up to just anybody.  And I'm not Gay!"

Parcells will also be  accepting a position as treasurer for the Anti-Owens Alliance (AOA).  The AOA is a non-profit organization founded by MdNabb in eartly 2006.  The AOA conducts monthly groups sessions, covering a wide variety of topics and stories dealing exclusively with past experiences with Owens.

In related news, ex-Cowboys quarterback Drew Bledsoe announced on his blog (www.tonyhomo.com) that he will be joining Parcells in his move to Philadelphia.  The veteran quarterback is expected to sign for the veteran's minimum with a signing bonus of 20 hamburgers.

(Editors Note: The Breaking News series that I've put up is something I've been doing for a while to kill time between my actual sports posts.  They are entirely fictional and for the sole purpose of entertainment -- Although this last post is probably just pressing my luck in the humor department.)