AKRON, OHIO -- Police arrested Cleveland Cavaliers forward Drew Gooden in the early hours of Saturday morning after the former lottery pick failed to turn himself over to authorities on charges of theft and assault.

The arrest ends a joint investigation between the San Antonio Police Department and Cleveland authorities -- spanning the course of the NBA season dating back to last year's playoffs -- searching for the lost hair on Spurs guard Manu Ginobili's head.

"After a thorough search and seizure we have found Manu (Ginobili's) missing patch of hair, and it was on the back of Drew Gooden's head," said acting Cleveland Police Chief Drew Carey. 

After numerous theories from several experts on the matter, including ring worm, male pattern baldness, and the hair being inverted through to his giant nose following a sneeze, officials say the star shooting guard can finally rest easily.

The case found it's first break during ABC's broadcast of the NBA finals when cameras caught video of Ginobili and Gooden standing side-by-side from behind.  Local comedian and hair expert Drew Carey noticed that the patch on Gooden's head was roughly the same size, shape, and in the same location as the missing patch on Ginobili's head.

"Thee missing hair was, how you say, like a thouzand burning arrows to thee heart," said Ginobili. "Falling to thee floor waz not so eazy without the extra cushioning."

Gooden, who has failed to return calls or e-mails, simple left a statement through his agent and public relations service:

"I apologize to both the Cavs organization and the city of Cleveland for my actions.  I was only trying to help my team by getting some shaggy hair in order to compete with Manu and Sideshow Bob in flops and drawing charges.  I realize now the embarrasment caused to both the city and my family, not only because I stood outside the law, but because my head looked absolutely ridiculous, and distracted Lebron (James) from making his shots.  Rest assured that the back of my head will no longer look like an armpit."

Investigators are still looking for those responsible for stealing the fun and ratings from the NBA finals, but have several leads.

(Editor's Note: As always, this is not a real story.  It is an attempt at humor.  An not a very good one as it had to be watered down in the sick, sad, overly sensitive society that we live in.  Would hate to offend those afflicted with BGS (backwards goatee syndrome).)

While fans and sports writers are quick to jump the gun in crowning a definative "NBA's best player", a label that has been handed down upon several suitors since the retirement of "history's greatest player", it is entirely possible that they have missed the boat entirely.

It has long been assumed that the world's next great player would come in a comfortable package measuring in around 6-7, complete with requisite 40-inch vertical and ankle-breaking crossovers.   Indeed, Michael Jordan spoiled us all.

But if history has shown us anything, it is that the league is littered with high-flying, high-scoring swingmen.  That Jordan came out as the league's best player from his position is the exception, not the rule.

If this Finals is about the coronation of King James, then the world is truly cheated as it is missing out on the legacy of one of history's all-time greats.  With his fourth ring Duncan would have to be considered in the same breath as the true greats -- Bird, Magic, Wilt, Russel, and of course Jordan -- the highest echelon of players in league history. 

While the world drooled over Kobe Bryant, Duncan was steadily dropping in bank shots.  As Vince Carter's brief ascension into greatness came and quickly flickered out, Duncan was drop-stepping his way to three Finals MVP's.  Even as the lastest wave of Lebron, Carmelo, and Wade caught the national spotlight Mr. Fundamental was anchoring his team's championship level defense.

True, others may post better numbers -- certainly more highlights --, no one in the league has provided the same efficiency and ability to dominate both sides of the court since the league's last two-way sensation (Jordan) as Duncan has. 

So hand out all the superlatives you wish.  Kobe is the league's most gifted scorer.  Wade teh greatest fascimile of Jordan in style and killer instinct.  And Lebron is it's most explosive Wonderboy -- indeed, his time as the league's greatest may rise in this series.  But for the time being, let's not overlook the greatest PF of all time. 

Editor's Note: Read the Rev's post on Manu, and thought I'd bring out an old archived blog to compliment that one.  Then, as it is now, no one read it... ha ha. 

Bench Ginobili
Dec 24, 2005 | 1:30AM - Edit | Delete

How a rematch of last years NBA finals and a showcase of the top two teams in the NBA is an undercard to the overrated Lakers-Heat matchup (Lakers will lose by 15) is beyond my comprehension.

Still, the Spurs-Pistons game promises to be a real treat for those who find big screens underneath their Christmas tree this year.  As everyone knows, the Pistons return with a new coach and a new offensive attitude.  The Spurs will take the floor with mostly the same group that defeated the Pistons last June with one glaring difference in their starting lineup: the absence of Manu Ginobili.

Out for the past few games because of a foot injury, Ginobili has been replaced by Michael Finley in the starting lineup, who has performed admirably in his absence.  So admirably in fact, that maybe it would be best to place Finley in the starting five permanently.

Perhaps I'm still suffering from the effects of one too many at the annual Christmas party, but at the risk of waging war with all of Argentina maybe it's time to officially declare Manu's candidacy for Sixth Man of the Year.

Off the bench is not a new concept for Ginobili, who began his career as the Spurs super-sub.  A year later the Spurs benched Manu in favor of Turkoglu and again last year, in favor of Brent Barry for the first round of the playoffs.  Though it may sound absurd, bringing in your second All-Star off the bench, but the move does have its share of benefits:

1.) Finley: Though not the creator that Manu is at this point in his career, Finley still remains the superior shooter whose talents would be maximized playing with the first unit, where Duncan and Parker would create a larger quantity of open shots for Finley than the Spurs second unit.  Manu is Manu regardless of his role, Finley is a much better starter than bench player.  In addition, being paired with Bowen would subract from Finley's defensive responsibilities (which at his age, is not the strength of his game).  Speaking of...

2.) Defense: The Spurs bench may have plenty of playoff experience and versatility, but what it lacks is a defense-minded wing player since the departure of Devin Brown.  The trio of Van Exel, Finley, and Barry can be an intimidating offensive force, but their defensive liablilities are just as likely to lose a lead than extend one.  By bringing Manu off the bench, the Spurs ensure that either he, or Bowen, are on the floor at all times; giving the Spurs a defensive presence on the perimeter for 48 minutes.

3.) Longevity: Perhaps Ginobili's frenetic pace is better suited for the bench.  Considering the numerous leg injuries that Manu accumulates (prompting Barry to nickname him El Contusion) over the course of a season, a sixth man role could quite possibly lengthen Ginobili's career. 

4.) Easy-pickings:  When thinking of prototypical sixth men, most are scoring spark plugs off the bench.  Ricky Davis, Mo Williams, Jerry Stackhouse.  None are revered, however, for their defensive prowess.  If Manu can score on some of the better defenders in the league, what would happend if the Spurs unleashed one of the top ten guards in the NBA on opponents inferior bench players?  Or softening up the starters for that matter?  YOu guessed it: Easy pickings.

Unlike most teams, the Spurs are fortunate to have one of three All-Star caliber players on the court at any given time.  By benching Manu, the Spurs ensure that at least one All-Star is on the floor at all times.  And by playing Ginobili in spurts without Duncan or Parker, Popovich can allow Manu free reign, or unleash him as it were.

Remember, it's not who starts the games, but rather, who finishes them that marks the truly great players.