Hey Boston, do you like apples?  Well savior centerfielder Johnny Damon just signed with the evil empire New York Yankees.  How do you like dem apples?!

Only minutes after the defection was announced the radio airwaves were saturated with the heavy accents of Beantown and Big Apple natives.  Each were trying to explain why Johnny Damon being a Yankee was the greatest thing in the world for their respective teams. 

Numbers and variables were thrown around, including age, projected production and salary cap economics, as if this were one of the complicated equations solved by Matt Damon in Goodwill Hunting.  But this is a story that stats cannot explain, and as is the case when the Yankees-Red Sox, logic goes right out the window because there is so much passion in these two franchises that it blinds all rationale to begin with.

The Logic

If you look at the move from an objective perspective, this is a no-win situation for both teams.  Red Sox, how can your team possibly be better off losing your All-Star centerfielder without filling the void?  Boston fans can bring up salary cap implications, age and prospects all they want, but none of these things are going to replicate the production of Damon over the past few years.  With a roster loaded with veterans such as Schilling and Ortiz, the prospect of cutting salaries is not exactly an appealing sign.  The BoSox are officially in the dreaded rebuilding mode, the idiots is over.

For the past few years the Yankees have had the services of Bernie freaking Williams, one of the greatest clutch centerfielders of his time.  Until 2004, 'Jesus' was known more for his hair than anything he'd done on the field.  It's difficult to see how adding Damon into what was an already imposing lineup the previous year is going to somehow shore up the pitching rotation that plagued the Yankees all year long.  Now well over $200 million in payroll, the Yanks have even less money to throw at quality pitchers.  The Yankess are no closer today than they were last year to a world title.

Why It Won't Work

Throwing stats out the window, there is still some solid evidence that suggests the Damon experiment in New York will fail miserably:

1.) The Hair: A disturbing trend among men losing their hair, dating back to biblical times, shows that when famous hair gets clipped a reduction in power is not far behind.  As a member of the A's, Giambi was an MVP with long hair and stylish goatee, a rebel and anti-Yankee.  But he lost his 'do (and to be fair, his juice) and became a mere mortal.  The Mullet, AKA Randy Johnson, was as dominating a pitcher as he was until the Yankees trimmed his ways, not to mention his 'stache.  Now the world must wonder: WWJD (What Will Johnny Do?).

2.) He's an Idiot: New York is as snobby as it gets, and their is an old money saying that "all the money in the world cannot buy you class".  The Yanks pride themselves on being the classiest organization in the league, Damon prided himself on being one of the original "idiots" of baseball.  Can Cowboy up work with just the the f---- up?

3.) The A-Rod Factor:  Call it the curse of Rodriguez, or whatever you will, but every team that Alex Rodriguez left has improved dramatically following his departure and not a minute before.  The Mariners had the best record in baseball and the Ichiro era after A-Rod departed, The Rangers are  now even a team with hope.  The Red Sox had Rodriguez for a brief moment before negotiations fell apart and look what they transformed into after they lost A-Rod.  Although this doesn't involve Damon directly, it's still a fun factor to throw in.

4.) The Return of the Savior: It is foretold somewhere that Jesus would die, but the savior would return to lead to the promised land.  Ironic how Damon (who was called Jesus) would depart at the same time Boston's second original son (the first being Ted Williams) would become available.  With Damon's contract off the books the Sox now have room to make a run at Roger Clemens.  Will he return?  Somewhere it has already been foretold.

5.) It's Just Wrong!!!: Years ago, when the Yankees first lured Giambi away, I recall making a smart ass prediciton.  I remember telling my father, "watch, they're going to lose and keep spending.  Next they're going to lure Alex Rodriguez to play third base, while signing Nomar to play second.  Then, just for fun, they'll sign Randy Johnson to be their ace."  (I swear on anything that this is not a lie)

Of course, I was only half-kidding when I spoke this, just recently heartbroken that the Yankees had broken up my favorite Athletics team.  But as we can see, there are always half-truths in every joke. 

So this is where we are, the Red Sox believe they are setting up for progress in addition through subtraction.  The Yankees are arguing that there is no such thing as overkill.  Neither side will give, but baseball will be caught in the crossfire.  The only question is, which side do you stand on?