After a torrid two weeks of posting, I'm proud to announce that the Quick Slants blog has qualified for the Sweet Sixteen! We can only hope that my first assignment is to go undercover with the Carolina Panthers' cheerleaders. Thanks to everyone for their undying support and great comments, particularly my friend John who told me about this contest to begin with. No doubt I'll be matched up against some of the finest writers the blogosphere has to offer. If things get tight, I may have to pull a Mack Brown and go lobbying for votes. Don't be alarmed. As the immortal Jake Taylor would say, there's really only one thing left to do: "WIN THE WHOLE... F___IN' THING!" We'll see you all in 2006 for Round One!

After getting no love on the NGS Judge's blog from my readers (seriously, you all should be ashamed of yourselves), I've decided to take matters into my own hands, P-Diddy style, and launch an aggressive self-promotion campaign.  That's right, if you won't do it, I will.  I won't be giving myself a crazy nickname like "T-Unit," but whether you like it or not, you're getting the reasons why I should be selected as a finalist.  And, since I don't have any racy photos like some of the others, I'm going to have to do it the hard way, one sentence at a time.

I have never knowingly had contact with Victor Conte.

I am automatic from inside 58-yards with any kicker of 89 or better rating in Madden 2001-2006.

I weigh more than Ashley Olsen.

But, less than Greg Olson.

I think that, in no particular order, Dickie Thon, Mackey Sasser, and Candy Maldonado are the best three names in the history of baseball.

I secretly own a small stash of Pogs and a holographic, baseball-themed "slammer."

I have set spreads and wagered on games of NBA Jam: Tournament Edition.

I want Elisabeth Hasselbeck to go to jail, for something... anything.

I am a podcaster.

I would rather swallow fire than endure another season of the BCS.

I have seen and memorized every minute of Journey's Greatest Hits DVD.

I still think Ron Powlus should've won three Heismans.

I own a career .000 batting average on the high school level.

I am worth at least $250,000 in the current free agent market.

I have never popped my collar.

I am concerned for Ruben Studdard's well-being.

I would trade for Ron Artest.

I think Matt Millen should be excommunicated.

I think Isiah Thomas should be tarred and feathered.

I can beat Bubble Bobble in less than 60 minutes.

I have been booed out of Veterans' Stadium after turning a surefire triple into a ground rule double.

I believe Jack Bauer could kill Walker Texas Ranger in sixteen seconds with his bare hands.

I know a gym teacher who wrestled a live bear, and won.

I have never been to Lake Minnetonka.

I have 5.32 speed.

I am starting to embrace the passing cone in Madden NFL 2006.

I firmly believe that Major League III never happened.

I drive a Dodge ...Neon.

I think Owen Wilson should be in every movie.

I feel I owe something the inventor of the computer-generated "first and ten" line.

I would put Eva Longoria and Jessica Alba ahead of Angelina Jolie any day of the week.

I am the host of a popular, national, internet radio show devoted to the New York Yankees that I created and built on my own accord.

I have owned a Mark Gastineau Starting Lineup and had it stolen at a college party.

I enjoy going to the dentist.

I wish fantasy points were awarded for television appearances, in which case, Tiki Barber would've earned me 6,728,293 points this season.

I believe Bo Jackson to be the greatest celebrity softball player of all time.

I would ask out JoJo if I were under 18.

I am injury-prone.

I am convinced that Ryan Seacrest is the antichrist.

I think Shaq's role as Neon in "Blue Chips" deserved serious Golden Globe consideration.

I am suspicious that Dan Hawkins is Nick Nolte in disguise.

I frequently substitute black Nike socks for actual dress socks.

I think Mike Tyson has finally faded into "bolivian."

I have used replica WWE Championship belts as trophies in multiple alcohol-related events.

I believe All Star 2Ball was an even worse idea than the WNBA.

I have prayed for world peace, the end of poverty, and the production of "Old School II."

I believe Drew Rosenhaus is an agent playing an agent.

I will never buy diamonds from Jeff Reardon, again.

I am a card-carrying member of the Daunte Culpepper Fantasy Support Group.

I have owned, and worn in public, a Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf jersey...  before he joined Al-Qaeda.

I once leveraged my formal, technical training to create a low-budget, computerized drinking game.

I have been kicked out of an online baseball league for a petty pitching infraction.

And surprisingly, I am single.

I'd like to thank everyone who participated in my medley of fantasy bust columns. As determined by you, here is the triumvirate of busts at the three main fantasy positions: QB - Daunte Culpepper RB - Jamal Lewis WR - Randy Moss Thanks again for your participation. I'll be making my final post tonight and going out on a high note before the judges unveil their selections.

Before we get rolling with the third and final installment of my fantasy bust segment, a couple things I'd like to bring up...

1.                  --  I'm starting to question my own intelligence after accidentally deleting my two most popular entries with over 45 combined comments.  If I lose this competition, that'll be why.  I'll never live it down. 

Thankfully, I managed to re-post both entries.  If my progression stays on track, I'll also be tying my own shoes and picking my own outfits by February.  Once again, I'm a moron.

2.                   --  Jamal Lewis was a runaway victor for my fantasy running back vote.  I expected more of a push from McGahee, but it seems as though the novelty of Lewis' jail time was too much to overcome.  Thanks to the nearly 90 of you that emailed tyhildenbrandt@gmail.com with your vote.  I didn't expect such an influx of messages, so I appreciate your help in this matter.  Of course, Lewis rushed for 105 yards and a touchdown only hours after I posted his candidacy, but who's keeping track?

3.                 --  Since I came up with the idea of voting on fantasy busts, I've reserved the right to change the rules as I see fit.  In order to stir up more controversy, I'm asking that you pick only ONE wide receiver, not two as originally planned.  Should make for an interesting dilemma, I'm waiting with baited breath to see the results.

On with the show...

Candidates for 2005 Fantasy Football BUST: Wide Receivers Division

Randy Moss

Rated the #1 wide receiver by some fantasy gurus, Moss has fallen short of the hype and will be lucky to reach 1,000 yards and five touchdowns by season's end.  Because we expected more, Moss at least has to be mentioned in this category.  However, I don't think it's entirely his fault.  Things haven't worked out under the infinite wisdom of Norv Turner.  After all, he was supposed to be the primary target in Oakland, wasn't he?  Instead, he only has 48 receptions in 14 games.  So, something about lumping Moss into this category doesn't feel right...

Actually, if you vote for Moss, please indicate on your ballot which contributing factor hurt his fantasy value the most:

A)                 A) Kerry Collins

B)                 B) Norv Turner

C)                 C) Eric Karabell, Mike Harmon, and other fantasy gurus

D)                 D) Norv Turner

Joe Horn

I'm well-aware that I'll be going to hell for including Saints in my personal plight to become the next great sportswriter.  Oh well...

Look, we all know New Orleans has been through a lot.  If I were a Saints player, I'd have more important things on my mind, too.  Football isn't a game that bodes well with 16 road games, especially when your homes have been devastated, your families have been uprooted, and your city has been ruined.  I understand the complexities of the situation.

Unfortunately for the Saints, when it rains, it pours.  With McAllister's injury and Brooks' inconsistency, Horn has been the lone threat on a bad team -- bad hamstring and all -- and his numbers have clearly suffered. 

Terrell Owens

I was in Atlantic City this week, where I met a casino employee who claimed to have dealt blackjack to T.O. during his all night birthday celebration a couple weeks ago.  In his words, "T.O. was a real nice guy and a good tipper, but the worst blackjack player I've ever met."  Granted, this has no relevance on the subject at hand.  Just thought you'd be interested.  It's ironic, though, that Owens' NFL season, much like his blackjack hands, was a bust.

Before the season, if I would've set an over/under of FIVE for the number of games Owens would miss, you probably would've taken the under.  In reality, T.O.'s hissy fit was worse than expected; he'll finish 2005 with only seven games to his name.  Should've taken the over...

I realize his fantasy numbers weren't "bust"-worthy before his suspension, but something has to be said for destroying an entire locker room and city, don't you think?  I live in the Philadelphia area... trust me, at its pinnacle, local news stations were leading their broadcasts with the T.O. saga instead of murders, robberies, and corruption headlines.  I'm not kidding.  During football season, Philly's priorities are so skewed towards football that other, more important matters mean less.  When T.O.'s season went down the tubes, so did morale in Philly.

Michael Clayton

Did I miss the memo on Clayton?  Didn't Clayton have almost 1,200 yards in 2004?  Wasn't he supposed to be the next big time NFL receiver?  Why then, does he only have 361 yards after 15 weeks?  Professional sports hasn't seen a sophomore slump like this since Rick Vaughn in Major League II.

Here's a fact:  according to ESPN.com, Clayton was taken in the fourth or fifth round of most fantasy drafts.  Here's another fact:  you can probably find a free agent tight end in your league with more receiving yards.  I'm not kidding; take a look at stars like Jeb Putzier and Doug Gabriel who have had much better campaigns than Clayton.

OVER...RATED... clap clap, clap clap clap...

Andre Johnson

What's your favorite AJ moment from 2005?  Was it the 76 receiving yards he racked up in the first eight weeks of the season?  Was it the five week stretch earlier this year when he nursed his sore calf like it was a newborn puppy?  Was it his inexplicable 12-catch, 159-yard, one touchdown outing against St. Louis back in Week 12?  Or was it when you dropped him from your fantasy roster altogether?

Take your pick, but I still can't get over Big Johnson's fall from grace in 2005.  I know a lot of people that took him as their number one fantasy receiver.  It's almost like the Texans regressed as a team by two years.  I guess that's what happens when you're playing to get Reggie Bush.

Post your comments or send email to tyhildenbrandt@gmail.com to vote...

Before we get to the running backs, a few notes about the quarterback vote that was posted on Friday (and reposted again on Sunday night because of a "blogging malfunction"):

-- Despite a strong charge from Kerry Collins (who was on my original list until I looked at his fantasy numbers), Daunte Culpepper was the unanimous winner.  After a slew of comments and emails, I'm glad to see I'm not the only one that feels strongly about this.  If we band together, the 12-step recovery process will be much easier.

-- More puzzling are the people who adamantly disagreed with the nomination of Culpepper.  I didn't think this was possible.  I'm guessing these are the same people that would've voted Drew Olson over Reggie Bush, or ones that have battled serious peyote addiction within the last two years. At any rate, my favorite comment came from reader Bstone:

"...you CANNOT take into account injuries when discussing busts. Busts are people who UNDERPERFORM"

In the opening paragraphs of the column, I specified that players who suffered season-ending injuries were judged on their performance BEFORE getting injured.  I said this up front.  Check the tape.  An obvious example of what I'm talking about is Priest Holmes, who was off to a great start before biting the bullet.  Guys like Culpepper, however, clearly earned the "bust" label when their pre-injury production was factored in.  For example, check out Daunte's first half numbers in 2004 compared to 2005...

2004 (thru Week 8):  2,180 yds, 20 TD, 5 INT
2005 (thru Week 8):  1,564 yds, 6 TD, 12 INT

Case and point.  And, according to ESPN.com, Daunte's average draft position was 9.6.  No, not the 9.6^th round, they mean 9.6^th OVERALL.  That's a bust of Ryan Leaf proportions.

Now, let's get to the running backs.  Quite frankly, this was like the '83 quarterback class of bogus fantasy seasons.  There were so many options, but I decided to invite only three to the presentation ceremony.  I followed the Heisman's lead and omitted Corey Dillon, Curtis Martin, and Ahman Green from my write up, though each has unachieved in their own special way.  To be fair, I concentrated my efforts on the three-headed monster below...

 

Candidates for 2005 Fantasy Football BUST: Running Back Division

Willis McGahee

We all thought McGahee was destined for great things when he wore a 70-pound medallion to the 2002 Heisman ceremony.  I did, anyway.  Apparently so did the Bills, who took the bait, let him rehab his knee, coupled him with Travis Henry, then eventually traded Henry to the Titans before the start of the season.  Logically, McGahee seemed destined for a monster season with lots of carries and touchdowns.  Perhaps that's why SOME considered him the FOURTH best fantasy running back before the start of the 2005 season.

But, then the J.P. Losman Effect kicked in.  With no semblance of a passing game, McGahee stuck out like a sore thumb and became the obvious focus of most defenses.  Naturally, this had terrible repercussions on his fantasy numbers.  Nonetheless, head coach Mike Mularkey called out McGahee in September for not running "aggressively" when his team needed him the most.  Apparently, the criticism had no lasting, motivational effects, though, as McGahee has rushed for over 100 yards on only four occasions.

Strangely enough, it seems as though Paul Tagliabue's hex on Drew Rosenhaus is taking a gripping toll on his client base.  Think about it, T.O. was deactivated, Javon Walker blew out his knee and filed for a new agent, and now Willis is laying a serious egg.  Stay tuned, this could be the subject of a future column...   

 

Jamal Lewis

Earlier this year, a reader named "Chris F" sent his thoughts on Jamal Lewis to ESPN.com's Bill Simmons...

"Let me give you some inside skinny on him. Do not [ignore] the four months he spent in jail. I work in a jail and while he may not have been doing hard time, the experience will affect him. The food sucks in jail. We try to fill them with fatty/carbo laden food. He either ate badly or not at all. This is not like 'The Wire' where the CO brings in good food for the well-connected inmates. Also, most jails/prisons that have short-timer inmates do not provide weights. The liability is too high as is the risk of injury. Jamal may have done some cardio work in prison but due to a poor diet and lack of weights, he most certainly lost muscle. These top athletes are used to the best food, equipment, and staff to keep them in shape year round and Jamal missed all of this for a large portion of his offseason. Plus the time on house arrest where he did not have access to the Ravens' facilities will also be a factor. Look for a very off year for him and stay away in the first round. He is already injury prone and with the rust and loss of muscle I hope someone wastes a first-round pick on him in my league(s). Just my two pennies worth."

In hindsight, I should've listened.  Not since Rae Carruth has a player's career been this impacted by a prison term, as Lewis has been a sad shell of his old self and averaged only 3.1 yards per carry with two touchdowns.  Somehow, this is the same back that rushed for over 2000 yards and 14 touchdowns in 2003.

Let this be a lesson to all fantasy owners thinking of drafting ex-cons, J-Lew is hardly running like he just got out of jail. 

 

Kevin Jones

I'm starting to look at Matt Millen draft picks in the same light as Don King press conferences and Kevin Federline rap albums.

Jones was supposed to be the real deal this season after finishing strong in his rookie campaign.  After all, with the selection of Mike Williams in April, it appeared as though the Lions were on their way to becoming a force in the NFC North.  That's what we were told, at least.  I can't say I actually believed the hype, but it's clearly why Jones found his way into the first round of many fantasy drafts.

In reality, Jones is probably a year or two away from being a star.  I have no doubts that it'll happen, but it might require a new quarterback or change of scenery.  In the meantime, Jones has fallen victim to the Millen Curse, which seemingly neutralizes a player's durability and future potential, and averaged a mere 3.5 yards per carry.  For argument's sake, he averaged nearly five yards per carry in 2004.  Unless he shatters all modern rushing records in his next two games, it's unlikely he'll eclipse his numbers from last season.

As always, post your comments OR send email to tyhildenbrandt@gmail.com to place your vote.