Well, well, well... Peyton Manning finally beat someone from Florida in a big game. He got his ring. He got his MVP award. He shed that monkey from his back. We're misty-eyed.
Here at Quick Slants, we are, of course, supremely excited about all this. But not because of any personal accomplishments. Mainly, we're just ecstatic that we won't be force-fed the same regurgitated cudd about Manning ever again! Boo yah.
So, we've already moved on.
More to the point, it's tragic that, once again, the little guys have been overshadowed by the other, more popular Manning-esque aspects of Super Bowl XLI; the elements that made the event unique, comical, and everything in between. In an effort to point out these overlooked Super Bowl nuances and give credit where its due, Quick Slants would like to hand out some hardware to a number deserving parties.
The Head-On "Mood-killing Commercial" Award
To the braintrusts at Snickers, who apparently thought the overwhelmingly male audience would be prompted to buy more candy bars after seeing two male auto mechanics accidentally kiss and then rip off their shirts. Great idea. What's next? Guys groping a truck? (Oh, had that one too? Thanks, Chevy.) Not since the Head-On commercials have we been this taken aback.
(For the record, we were at a small Super Bowl gathering made up of 100% guys. The response to this commercial was a very awkward silence. We could hear crickets.)
The Mike Martz "Curious Challenge" Award
To Tony Dungy, for inexplicably challenging a third quarter play in which he thought Chicago broke the huddle with 12 men. Despite the fact that this offense did not occur within the first five minutes of the game, this was Martzism at its very finest, essentially donating a timeout to the corporate jackals looking for more commercial time. Hell, we didn't even think this was a challengeable kind of thing until Jim Nantz confirmed - in his normal, soothing tone, of course - that it really was. For the record, we still think Nantz was full of crap, but we'll go along with the call on the field.
The New Found Glory "All Downhill From Here" Award
To the marketing gurus that effectively compiled the 2007 class of Super Bowl commercials and batted the very best ad in the leadoff position. Thanks. No really, thanks. With the exception of that first commercial - two guys playing rock-paper-scissors, literally, for a bottle of Bud Light - and the old coots rejoicing over "stronger streams" because of Flomax in the second half, this year's ads were some of the worst in recent memory. All told, the beer spots were incredibly weak, the soda commercials were remarkably uncreative - is Pepsi still making drinks (or tv ads) these days? - and the spots with animals were just plain stupid. Somewhere, the Budweiser Frogs just rolled over in their graves.
The Jack Parkman "I'm the only player on this team" Award
To teammates Thomas Jones and Devin Hester, who tried their best to win Super Bowl XLI despite playing on a team that apparently had other ideas. Jones was explosive with the ball, amassing 112 yards on only 15 carries; meanwhile, Hester was, well... he did it again on the opening kickoff. You gave it a run, fellas. Unfortunately, it's hard to win with five turnovers and, more specifically, a quarterback that gives away the ball like it's a food sample in a supermarket.
The Jim Nantz "Gushing Commentator" Award
To Jim Nantz, for his, well... gushing commentary of Super Bowl XLI. Simply put, Nantz was in the zone, firing on all cylinders and talking about everything from Black History Month to the "interesting" tales of Tank Williams. Yes, Jim, "interesting," to say the least. We were concerned that he'd eventually black out from the excitement during the Lombardi Trophy presentation, standing there, emceeing the festivities, and looking like a giddy schoolgirl. But he managed. And he's our hero because of it.
On a side note, we were immensely disappointed that Nantz refrained from trotting out one of his patented lines like "Juan shining moment!" or "You can leave it to Cleaves!" That would've validated the 12 hours of coverage we drudged through.
The Lloyd Christmas "I was WAY off" Award
To the shoddy weathermen, who inaccurately predicted a 40% chance of showers during tonight's Super Bowl. Seriously, that wasn't "showers" or even rain falling from the skies of South Florida; it was the ENTIRE GULF OF MEXICO. Good God. The whole stadium couldn't have been too far away from being swept away into the Atlantic by rising currents. We blame global warming.
(Bonus points here to the forward-thinking stadium technicians that went the extra mile and opted for waterproof sheathing on all electrical wires. A blown fuse and/or electricution could've hampered the festivities.)
The Scott Spiezio "Exaggerated Soul Patch" Award
To Jim Irsay, the owner of the Indianapolis Colts who might just be the first man to ever grow a soul patch north of his lips. All right, all right... so what if it wasn't actually a soul patch, but merely just a darker patch of facial hair mixed in with his grayed mustache; we don't care. We're giving it some press. That puppy stuck out like a sore thumb.
The Smokey the Bear "Playing it safe" Award
To the NFL, which has now chosen aging, out-of-date musicians to perform its last three Super Bowl halftime shows in the wake of Janet Jackson's impromptu peep show. Granted, all three acts featured historically significant artists, and perhaps this is us just being young and rebellious again, but we have a hard time believing that Prince was the best option here. In fact, we're curious as to who the NFL's top five selections were for this gig. We'd like to see that list. Couldn't a more contemporary selection have been made? You know, an artist born sometime AFTER the Cuban Missile Crisis? Apparently not. We're eagerly awaiting a performance by Tony Bennett in 2008!
The Nick Nolte "Bad Hair Day" Award
To one of our all-time favorite players, Phil Simms, whose puffy hair most closely resembled that of a newly-hatched chickadee when shown in the CBS broadcast booth. We felt bad giving Simms an award levied with the namesake of Nolte's horrendous hair - on his mug shot photo, no less - but we really had no other choices. Forgive us, Phil. We still love you for your epic years as a Giant, and especially for that cheesy graphic CBS always shows of you throwing a pass into our living room.
The Ron Burgundy "I immediately regret this decision" Award
To Rex Grossman, the beleaguered quarterback of the NFC champion Chicago Bears who looked like he was trying to bring rain - okay, at least that part worked - with the two cans of corn he lofted to Colts defenders. We don't feel it's out of line to wonder if Grossman threw these on purpose to help out some old college drinking buddies relying on prop bets for lunch money.
Honorable mention here to our friend "Steak," who threw the most egregious incompletion of the night when he rifled his Nokia cell phone into a brick wall after the Bears were flagged for running into Adam Vinatieri in the third quarter. The phone is still in surgery. We'll keep you posted.
Send Message
Add Friend
Block User