Okay, so they automatically make it so you don't accept comments? That's kinda stupid. So because I'm nothing if not petty I'm posting this again, just so I can read people telling me I suck ______________________________________________________________________________ Boy, you go away from the Internet Wrestling Community for, well, years and years, and you miss all sorts of juicy stuff. Getting myself caught up a little bit on backstage goings on I find out some of the following. - There's a drug testing policy in place now, which includes steroids. Not sure what exactly brought it about, but it's about time really. Of course because of this they should cut back on house shows by at least half. Notice I said "should" and not "will". This may also explain why HHH seems to have swallowed a volleyball recently. - Vince got caught harassing some chick in a tanning salon. Which apparently happens all the time, it's just none of the chicks normally do anything about it - HHH was caught in a, compromising position we'll call it, with Kristy Hemme. Which would explain why she hasn't been seen in months, but wouldn't explain why HHH is still alive. You could say he was caught red handed, depending on where his hand was at the time (oooh). So with that new knowledge I go into tonite's show with a new found sense of non-ignorance. ________________________________________________________________________ - SUV ends with 2 detectives going to tell a parent they've found her daughter's body. A feel good story if there ever was one - Opening, you can tell the exact point where being an actual athlete helped in becoming a wrestler - Wrestlemania replay of HBK/Vince match - Who would have thought that at some point Vince would have the better hair of the 2? - Opening 2, which has cleaned up some of the clutter (ie Babykiller guy whose name always escapes me isn't there anymore) - Live (?) from London, England - So for once if it smells like Fish and Chips it won't be Candace - Edge and Lita out - Lita not showing off her ass(boob?)ets tonite. - Edge is the Rated R Superstar - If he were to team up with the tag team PG-13, Goldust (G), and Bart and Billy's long lost brother Peter Gunn (PG), you could have the MPAA. - Edge talks about the upcoming triple threat match at, um, No Way Out I think it's gonna be - After talking smack a bit HHH comes out - Hopefully HHH will make fun of Edge's stupid looking hat - Says Edge's 3 week title reign means Edge must not last that long at other endeavors - Suggests new nickname "The Premature Superstar" - Better than the "Not Getting Any at All Superstar" I suppose - Verbal back and forth between the 2 - Nothing of note really - Cena's name draws boos - I'm so proud of Britain now, I almost forgive them for the whole tea tax thing - Almost - Cena's music on, and again it sounds like half cheers and half boos - Cena out and knocks HHH out of the ring, HHH on the way back into the ring in until.... - The Spirit Squad comes out - Another thing I found out in my foray back into the internet wrestling community is that one of the Spirit Squaders (I forget which) was a tremendous bad guy champion in OVW (The WWE's minor league), had the attitude, moves, the whole package. And now he's a male cheerleader and the joke of RAW. Again, why anyone would want to be a pro-wrestler is beyond me. - One of the SS (SS? Does Goldberg know about this?) starts a cheer that informs Cena/Edge/HHH that there will be a 5 on 3 match later tonite. You can guess the sides probably - Commercials - Hoot, not a documentary about Hooters, unfortunately - Just for Men Rewind. So ladies, leave the room - Carlito gets blindsided by Chris Masters, who either is naturally that big, has a whizzenator, or Vince just likes him too much to care if he's roided up or not - Masters is out, he's the Lex Luger of the new millennium, hopefully he won't kill the Elizabeth of the new millennium (allegedly) - Matt Stryker out next, in a spiffy sweater vest, he'll get pinned I guarantee it - Shelton Benjamin out last, must be a 3 man tag. - They go up against Carlito, Charlie Haas, and RVD. Combine the 3 and you'd have the next big superstar. By themselves they just don't have it - I think RVD hurt himself doing one of his flipping-outside-the-ring moves, typical. You'd think he played for the Pirates - Commercials - M&Ms have sex with a candy bar in the backseat of a car. At least I think that's what they were going for - S&Ms? - We're back, with RVD in a Masters bearhug - I've never seen anyone wear peach shorts before. And hopefully I never will again - Haas tagged in and cleans haas (as we say in Pittsburgh) - Okay fine, I was wrong Benjamin gets pinned. Wouldn't be the first time I'm wrong - Later: Bikini contest - Commercials - Da Vinci Code, the movie that says Jesus has a baby with a prostitute, and the biggest complaint is Tom Hanks's hair. And I can't say I disagree - Back, Josh Matthews (or Matthew Josh) interviews Vince about the supernatural happenings last week - Vince says they were just coincidences, that the pyro guy explained to him what happened and apologized profusely. He accepted his apology, and fired him - Hopefully he did it in his over-emoting "YOOOOUUUU'REEE FIIRRRREED!!! " way he does. - Vince claims God isn't there tonite - Says he stopped watching after The Rock left just like everyone else - Torrie getting ready - Kane getting ready, Show confronts him. They do their classic "Who's on May 19th" Routine - Show gets beaten up, starts yelling about his eye, which is bleeding. Cross promotion with the Jake Roberts DVD that's coming out. Synergy thy name is Mcmahon - Commercials - The 4400, or, how many white women has Sheldon Benjamin slept with since starting in the WWE - Coach is in the ring as we return - Bikini contest time - In order of coming out, Candace (butterface), Maria (retard), Victoria (man), Torrie (um? I'd say "married a Jewish guy", but that'd be offensive). - Nothing of note, except I may've been a little hard on Victoria. - I'd be harder on her, but.... Well nevermind - Maria is also super-duper hot. In the words of comedian Nick Dipalo (whose name I'm sure I just misspelled) "I'd f her brains back in" - Crowd gets to cheer for their favorite, or favourites in their backwards-ass country - Coach gets to choose winner however - Chooses Candace - Coach lets her know her prize - She gets to make out with the Coach - Viscera out - For what Earthly reason I have no idea - Oh right, cuz he's the Barry White of the WWE. That's Barry White now, not in the 70s - After making what seems like a veiled sexual threat to Coach he clobbers him. - Candace approves - They make out, which will probably haunt my nightmares tonite - No idea where they're going with that - Commercials - Remember when Robin Williams was considered funny? Yeah, I don't either - I'm lying, I loved the guy when I was younger, kind of a shame to see him like this - Recap of the Shane - HBK semi-fued - Before Lillian can introduce anyone Vince comes out - Sign in the crowd: "McMahon is a Cult" - What? - Vince introduces Shane - Should his nickname really be the Heartbreak Kid anymore? He's like 40, no joke. How about the Heart-Healthy Middle-ager? That connotes good things doesn't it? And it's honest, and isn't that what the pro-wrestling industry is all about? Honesty - If history holds serve Shane will take a huge bump that could very well kill him - Well, maybe not tonite, it's not a PPV - Shane-O in control - O - Shane misses a moonsault - See, if it had been a PPV that moonsault would have been at least from the top of the Titantron - HHMA with the comeback - Hits the flying elbow - Goes for chin music - But of course goes right to where Vince can pull him out of the ring - Go figure - HBK sets Vince up on the announce table - Before HBK can do anything though Shane low blows him - Eww - That's not how I meant it - Anyway, Vince and Shane set HBK up on the table - Elbow from the top turnbuckle through the announce table onto HBK - Yeah, that's kind of what I was talking about - Vince "God has abandoned you!!" - And I believe the New York Times said God was dead - Yeah, a reference to an Elton John song in a wrestling column. If that were any gayer I'd actually be rooting for John Cena - Oh, the PPV is Backlash, there're too damn many of these things - Commercials - Aeon Flux on DVD. The only way it could have made less money in the theaters would have been if Madonna played Aeon. Or Sharon Stone - During the commercial HBK limped to the back - Thanks for sharing, that sure was important - Announcers talk up the Backlash card - Replay of Kane going for Shows eye - Oh right, cuz in Kane's movie he tears out people's eyeballs. Does Allen Ray have a role in the movie somewhere? - They show footage of the movie in question's makers talking it up like it's as important as Night of the Living Dead. The original - See No Evil, so do Gene Wilder as a deaf guy and Richard Pryor as a blind guy have cameos in it? - He's dead you say? - Guess not - Sign in the crowd that made me laugh "H ungry H ungry H ippo" vertically. As in, HHH is fat now - Backstage with Cena and Edge - Still lots of boos for Cena still. - Commercials - So wait, on Nashville Star Ashley Judd gives her mom a lifetime achievement award? Is it an award show or a singing contest? And Velvet Revolver are guest judges? I'm an easily confused person normally, so this stuff doesn't help - How can the WWE expect to do the touring schedule they do and not expect their wrestlers to at least be on coke? Seriously, it's brutal - Chewbacca comes out, or whatever his name is - He gets to beat up a limey - Styles sells a simple body slam like Umaga just tossed the guy off of Big Ben. But in fairness, look at what he has to work with - Damn, nice brutal move where he basically bangs him off the stairs - The guy's gimmick may be stupider than Vince Young during a wonderlic test, but he works a nice stiff style - Stiff as in is looks painful - I'm sure it won't last once he starts wrestling more established guys, but for now it looks good - Ric Flair comes out, and cleans house - For that 30 second appearance he just probably made $30,000. I guess once you establish yourself it's not so bad, I guess - Lita talks with HHH about tonite's match - Says Edge will work with him - Is it smart for HHH and a redhead to be alone together? Or Lita and any other man? It's a recipe for disaster - HHH steals my 5 on 1 joke from last week. - Well, where else would he have gotten it? - Commercials - Anti-prescription drug abuse commercial shows kids useful ways to get said drugs. - Mickie out, not looking like Trish - She has belly-dancerish clothes on - She's come to terms with who she is. - Says she's better than Trish, and who can argue? - Well, Trish can, and will - Trish still dressed like Mickie - To be honest I fast forwarded through the rest, women aren't any good at anything athletic and I stand by that - Commercials - Steven Segal in "The Foreigner 2: Feels Like the First Time....I've Killed" - Spirit Squad out - Edge out first, then HHH, then Cena - And my tape runs out - According to WWE.com HHH and Cena beat on each other while Edge just walked away. Makes sense Till next time, keep your eye out for another column from me, or Kane's take it out for you. Travis