I'm going to go out on a limb here, but am I alone when I ask "did you play scooter hockey in gym class when you were a kid?" Other than the parachute games my gym teacher, Mrs. Fueller, used to entertain us with, my second love in class was scooter hockey. You see, I wasn't a trained soccer player or basketball chick so I was never picked "first" in gym class, but I could scoot like the devil! The great thing about scooter hockey was that it didn't require much skill, other than scooting as fast as you could around the gym floor and score a goal before someone knocked you over or stole the ball. Picking teammates for scooter hockey was about as nebulous as picking lottery numbers.

Although games like dodge ball were fun, that was a vicious game. The idea of pelting someone with a ball seemed a little violent and a sure-fire way to go to the nurse's office. Besides, dodge ball was an embarrassing game; being hit with the ball was like being tagged "loser." We all know that the kids who were successful in dodge ball were the bullies and the jock girls. With scooter hockey, everyone had a moderately even playing field. Practical skills weren't necessarily required in scooter hockey, you just needed the ability to scooch your butt as fast as you could around the floor before getting tagged or knocked over. I suppose that if you were a little out of shape or overweight, this could be seen as a disadvantage, but those factors were generally true in most elementary gym activities.

The equipment for scooter hockey was simple: one square-shaped scooter about one-foot by one-foot with wheels attached, a kid to sit their butt on the scooter, two hockey-size goals, and a soccer-size ball. One team was fortunate enough to wear the yellow mesh jerseys that reeked of perspiration and mildew- thanks to all the games when sweaty jerseys were discarded into the gym storage unit without the privilege of a wash. Goalies guarded each goal and two teams were evenly divided between the students. I'm sure that if you wanted to get really ambitious you could break up your teams in to positions to cover the field, but by this point, you've wasted fifteen minutes dividing up players and only have thirty minutes to play before class ends.

Scooter hockey had variations, but regardless of the rules the only way to move the ball from player to player or down the court was by "scooting." You could scoot forwards, backwards, on your stomach, or on your butt as long as only your feet or only your hands were scooting. (Not 'double scooting' allowed!) Depending on the skill the teacher was trying to enforce, to advance the ball you'd have to throw it back and forth between teammates, other times you'd have to basketball-dribble the ball while you scooted, or some days you'd have to do a soccer-dribble with the ball and scoot and at the same time. Regardless of whether or not you had the ball, you were constantly scooting around the floor, trying to break away or get open so you could make the winning goal!

Defense is the name of any game and if your team was really good, you'd all gang up and create a "wall of scooters" to prevent the passage of the opposing teammate if he had the ball. Of course, people could always scoot up to you and try to steal the ball by taking it by force, or scooting in to you and forcing you to fall over. (A friendly, "bump," if you will.) Sure, fingers frequently fell victim to scooter wheels, and a bruised elbow might be the war-wound from a heroic crash on the gym floor, but regardless of the injury, it was usually accompanied by hysterical laughter.

Man, now that I think about it...there's a really good reason adults don't play this game. Can you imagine being hunched over your body, scooting around the floor, trying to roll over fingers and other entities to steal the ball and score a goal? It kind of hurts my back just thinking about it. Regardless, what made scooter hockey fun was the ridiculous nature of the game. It's why playing silly games like "goofy golf" are so much fun. Perhaps the lack of equipment (Do they make scooters large enough for our adult bums?) and the unwillingness of people to laugh at themselves have brought about the extinction of such a game. Conceivably, an updated version would be "automated scooter hockey" where people drive around those self-standing fancy scooters (like the ones you rent at Disney World when you don't want to walk) and people scoot that way. Of course, only in America could we possibly find a more lazy way to do a job that our feet could just as easily handle.

LONG LIVE SCOOTER HOCKEY!!!