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AT THE TOUR DE FRANCE 

 

-Training wheels are not permitted.

 

  

-Road rash wounds are compared to determine who is more manly.

 

  

-Cows that cross the road in front of the cyclists are considered "fair game"

 

  

In fact...

 

  

-They are believed to be worth 50 points apiece in their secret "Death Race" challenge.

 

 

-A special team of insurance adjustors is on hand to sort out the fender-benders between motorcycles and support vehicles that travel the course with the cyclists.

 

  

And...

 

  

-A special team of proctologists is on hand to remove the bicycle seats that become lodged in their behinds during bumpy stages.

 

  

-The sound of amateurish yodeling can be heard as the peloton passes through stretches of the Alps known to produce an echo.

 

 

-The leader of the race often uses the yellow jersey to camouflage himself among the sunflower fields, then jumps out and scares the other riders as they pass by. 

 

  

In fact...

 

 

-This has caused several men to ultimately lose the race, but all have said it was worth it "just to see the looks on their faces".

 

  

-Because of the large number of countries involved, riders must learn how to curse and hurl insults in several languages.

 

  

-The high-tech bicycles now weigh less than a paperclip.

 

  

In fact...

 

  

-Riders credit the ultra-light frames for their phenomenal gas mileage.

 

  

In fact...

 

  

-The EPA is considering sponsoring a team next year.

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AT THE TOUR DE FRANCE

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-Spandex can be worn without mockery.

 

 

-Most crashes aren't worth being shown on a highlight reel unless they involve at least 60 riders.

 

  

-Italian riders wreck most frequently because they talk with their hands.

 

  

-In the mountains, competitors carry an extra set of ears in case their primary pair pops too many times.

 

  

And...

 

  

-A "Best Nosebleed" trophy is awarded upon the completion of the mountain stages.

 

  

-The stage that takes place on July 14th has superceded the importance of Bastille Day in the eyes of French hipsters because, according to them, "Ze Bastille Day eez zooo 1789!"

 

  

-Many riders wear their bike shorts long after the Tour has ended, claiming the extra butt padding enhances their "everyday sitting"experience.

 

  

-The retirement of Lance Armstrong has prompted Americans to go back to doing what they do best- not caring about cyling.

 

  

Meanwhile...

 

  

-Samples of Lance Armstrong's urine are being cryogenically frozen by vengeful Frenchies for the purpose of being re-tested should Wheaties become a banned substance.  This way, if necessary, he can be posthumously stripped of his titles.

 

  

Still...

 

  

-Though the French are reluctant to admit it, they love it when an American rider wins because it gives them a reason to be bitter.

 

  

-Trainers for the Polish team have discovered a new way to hide their performance-enhancing drugs:  by injecting them directly into the bodies of their riders!  (Author's note:  When was the last time you heard a Polish joke?)

 

  

-Organizers must look beyond French borders to find attractive women for podium presentations.  (Author's note:  Eet eez a low blow, no? )

 

  

-After drinking champagne on the Champs-Elysee during the race's final stage, the winner and his teammates are promptly arrested and charged with riding under the influence.

  

 

AT THE TOUR DE FRANCE

 

 

-Riders achieve speeds in excess of 10 miles per hour.

 

  

-Some stages are considered more difficult than others.

 

 

-Portions of the race actually take place oustde of France.

 

  

-If bland, tasteless wafers were considered a banned substance, the entire Dutch team would be disqualified.

 

  

-Oversized rolling pins are used nightly to reset the  riders' backs after they've been hunched over their bikes all day.

 

  

In fact...

 

  

-The use rolling pins replaced the practice of having their backs walked on by small Asian women

 

  

Because...

 

  

-Repeated requests for a "happy ending" caused some uncomfortable situations.

 

  

-Riders who gorge on eclaires and crepes to store carbohydrate energy tend not to perform as well as those who fuel up with pasta and potatoes.

 

  

-Lack of financial funding prevents Kenyans from dominating the event.

 

  

-The guy who shows up every year in a devil suit often clashes with sign-toting Jesus freaks.

 

 

 

-No matter who's wearing the yellow jersey, it always looks tacky.

 

  

-There's always one rider at the back of the pack shouting  "Aw c'mon, guys!  Wait for me!"

 

  

-The last cyclist to get caught doping is declared the winner.