Naughty or nice, everyone loves receiving presents.  My theme for this column was to create a list of presents to give to the people who deserve them.  However, I anticipate this will be a popular blogging subject, so I am going one step further. 

I have enlisted the help of psychic medium John Edward to summon the spirit of St. Nicholas into my body. 

And here we go...(long silence, a few seizures, then success)...

        "Ho, Ho, Ho!  Merry Christmas, children!   Who wants to be Santa's special helper and bring him some more peppermint schnapps?  Now where did I put that list?  Ah, here it is!  

"Where are you, Danica Patrick?  Come over here and sit on Santa's lap!  Ooh yeah, that's the spot...(awkward pause)...You've been a very, very, very good girl this year, but only people who live at the North Pole like me should be bundled up all the time.  I'm giving you the wardrobe and inhibition level of Anna Kournikova so that I- I mean you- can come to fully appreciate your booty- I mean beauty.

            "And whom do we have here?  Why it's Ron Artest!  Look at me, Ronald.  Santa is very disappointed in you.  You know, demanding a trade and all after your team stood up for you.  The best gift I can think of is the one Larry Bird already gave you- loyalty.

            "And while I'm doling out helpful personality traits, Larry Brown and Roy Williams, come on down so Santa can give you both some patience.  Considering the rosters you're working with, it will come in handy.

            "Kurt Busch, so nice to see you!  How's that temper coming along?  Methinks not so good.  To complement last year's anger management classes, this year Santa has enrolled you in a defensive driver course.  Here's to your upcoming days with Roger Penske being brighter than your days with Jack Roush.  May your education serve you well.

"Now, it's not often that Santa gives a gift to an entire city, but for Detroit, I'll make an exception.  This year, I'm giving you the Super Bowl to host.  I figured it was the only way you would ever see one.

"Well, thank you for stopping by, Johnny Damon.  Rumor has it you're shedding you caveman image.  Here is a personal grooming kit, complete with scissors, clippers, razors, and shaving cream.  You'll have no trouble keeping that clean-cut look now!

"Oh my, Shaquille O'Neal, look how big you've gotten!  Somebody loves his Christmas cookies!  Unfortunately, you still have to play basketball.  That's why Santa is giving you the complete collection of Jane Fonda workout videos for your Betamax.  Use them before you end up with a body like Kevin Duckworth.

"Speaking of bad bodies, Charlie Weis, that flabby, pear-shaped garbage disposal of yours is beyond repair.  Santa thought long and hard, but eventually came up with the perfect gift for you- a gigantic girdle!

"And for you, Terrell Owens, here's a muzzle.  Now get lost!"

HO!!! HO!!! HO!!!

Copyright 2005, Aidan Acuff, "The Sports Intellectual"