"A Portrait Of Someone You've Met"  

 

It was clear that the guy knew it all

To the sports shows, he'd constantly call

And his opening line

Let his ignorance shine:

"I played a little high school ball"

 

"I scored four touchdowns in one game at Polk High"

 

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"Mixed Messages:  Tragedy On The Third Base Line"  

 

Just outside of the infield grass

Stood a coach with a signal to pass 

But the sign he would hang

Matched the mark of a gang

And he left with a cap in his ass

 

 

 

"Organized Crime"  

 

With his prison sentence now gone,

A grifter in search of a con

Bought an NFL team

And when fans came to scream,

He charged them 3 bills thereupon

 

 

"Mr. Bean And The Magical Fruit"

 

At the end of an overtime game,

Kobe's wife found his humor "sooo lame."

She said, "You in the mood

For some Mexican food?"

He said, "Bean is my middle name!"

 

Kobe Bean Bryant

 

 

"Lamentations Of A Major League Virgin"

 

Billy groaned, "On the field, I'm an ace,

But with women, I feel out of place  

With a few more swings,

I'll be home run king,

But I've yet to get past second base!"

 

 

 

"When Fans (Should) Attack"  

 

"Touchdown! I'm the man!" Andre squealed,  

And with that, his new dance was revealed.

Hand on crotch, he did skip  

Did a split, did a flip  

Then proceeded to dry-hump the field

 

 

Meanwhile, 200 feet away...

 

"That baby belongs in a diaper,"  

Said a fan in the stands named Jim Piper  

"Now he's blowing a kiss-

Ooh, it's times like this

I regret not becoming a sniper!"

 

 

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"A Banquet Of Poor Decorum"

 

They announced him as Surfer of the Year.  

"Nice job, bra," said a friend in his ear.  

Nearly crazy he went:

"It's a formal event!

Please refer to me as 'brazier!'"

 

"Duuude, call me brazier!"

 

 

"There's No Crying In Baseball... Or Is There?"

 

The Astros placed catcher Tyrelle

On the 15-day DL

For his feelings were hurt

By a pitcher named Burt,

And he just wasn't coping too well

 

 

 

"There's One At Every Job"

 

An artsy scoreboard engineer 

Watched the touchdown cartoon of a peer

And he said with a sigh

As the end drew nigh

"There's no conflict or back story here."

 

"I hope you're trying to be ironic..."

 

 

"Attendance = 18,997... Actual Fans = 25"

 

In L.A., the world's stupidest city,  

At a Laker game (front row) sat Kitty,

And when asked her fav player,

She said, "What do I care?

I'm just here to be seen looking pretty."

 

"Oh my God, is it over yet?"

 

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"1-900-Injured Reserve"

 

A goalie afraid of rejection

Called a hotline to get an erection

And what started out flirty

Soon became so dirty,

He was benched with an ear infection

 

 

 

"Cast Out (Of A Baseball Movie)"

 

An underweight actor named Matt  

Lost a role and was given this chat:

"We don't mean to sound cruel,

.

 But it's a Hollywood rule-

Catchers must be depicted as fat"

Exhibit A:  John Candy in Brewster's Millions (which, of course, was a remake)

Exhibit B:  Bad News Bears (also a remake) Notice the mitt and backwards cap

 

 

Exhibit C:  The Sandlot (Guess which one is the catcher...)

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"At The Book Signing Of A Mainstream Sports Writer"

 

"Nice to meet you, I'm glad you could come!

So what brings you down here today, chum?"

"You've inspired me so!

I'm a blogger, you know..."

.

"Forget what I said.  You're scum."

"Peasants.  What gives them the right to touch a keyboard?" 

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Copyright 2008, Aidan Acuff