"A Portrait Of Someone You've Met"
It was clear that the guy knew it all
To the sports shows, he'd constantly call
And his opening line
Let his ignorance shine:
"I played a little high school ball"

"I scored four touchdowns in one game at Polk High"
.
"Mixed Messages: Tragedy On The Third Base Line"
Just outside of the infield grass
Stood a coach with a signal to pass
But the sign he would hang
Matched the mark of a gang
And he left with a cap in his ass
"Organized Crime"
With his prison sentence now gone,
A grifter in search of a con
Bought an NFL team
And when fans came to scream,
He charged them 3 bills thereupon
"Mr. Bean And The Magical Fruit"
At the end of an overtime game,
Kobe's wife found his humor "sooo lame."
She said, "You in the mood
For some Mexican food?"
He said, "Bean is my middle name!"

Kobe Bean Bryant
"Lamentations Of A Major League Virgin"
Billy groaned, "On the field, I'm an ace,
But with women, I feel out of place
With a few more swings,
I'll be home run king,
But I've yet to get past second base!"
"When Fans (Should) Attack"
"Touchdown! I'm the man!" Andre squealed,
And with that, his new dance was revealed.
Hand on crotch, he did skip
Did a split, did a flip
Then proceeded to dry-hump the field
Meanwhile, 200 feet away...
"That baby belongs in a diaper,"
Said a fan in the stands named Jim Piper
"Now he's blowing a kiss-
Ooh, it's times like this
I regret not becoming a sniper!"

.
.
"A Banquet Of Poor Decorum"
They announced him as Surfer of the Year.
"Nice job, bra," said a friend in his ear.
Nearly crazy he went:
"It's a formal event!
Please refer to me as 'brazier!'"

"Duuude, call me brazier!"
"There's No Crying In Baseball... Or Is There?"
The Astros placed catcher Tyrelle
On the 15-day DL
For his feelings were hurt
By a pitcher named Burt,
And he just wasn't coping too well
"There's One At Every Job"
An artsy scoreboard engineer
Watched the touchdown cartoon of a peer
And he said with a sigh
As the end drew nigh
"There's no conflict or back story here."

"I hope you're trying to be ironic..."
"Attendance = 18,997... Actual Fans = 25"
In L.A., the world's stupidest city,
At a Laker game (front row) sat Kitty,
And when asked her fav player,
She said, "What do I care?
I'm just here to be seen looking pretty."

"Oh my God, is it over yet?"
.
"1-900-Injured Reserve"
A goalie afraid of rejection
Called a hotline to get an erection
And what started out flirty
Soon became so dirty,
He was benched with an ear infection
"Cast Out (Of A Baseball Movie)"
An underweight actor named Matt
Lost a role and was given this chat:
"We don't mean to sound cruel,
.
But it's a Hollywood rule-
Catchers must be depicted as fat"

Exhibit A: John Candy in Brewster's Millions (which, of course, was a remake)

Exhibit B: Bad News Bears (also a remake) Notice the mitt and backwards cap

Exhibit C: The Sandlot (Guess which one is the catcher...)
.
.
"At The Book Signing Of A Mainstream Sports Writer"
"Nice to meet you, I'm glad you could come!
So what brings you down here today, chum?"
"You've inspired me so!
I'm a blogger, you know..."
.
"Forget what I said. You're scum."

"Peasants. What gives them the right to touch a keyboard?"
.
.
.
Copyright 2008, Aidan Acuff
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