'Tis the Saint Patty's Blog- Volume 3,

But first, a quick warning to thee:

If you're drinkin' green brew,

Through the nose you might spew

From the lim'rickal stylings of ME!!!

 

 

 

 

"Pain In The Absence Of Technical Difficulty"

 

In the pomp before two teams competed

A young girl sang the anthem to lead it

And the shrieks that she spawned

Caused the crowd to respond

"Damn! Where's some feedback when you need it?"

"Where's some feedback when you need it?"

 

 

 

"Cheapness At $10 Million A Year: The Man No Salary Cap Would Fit"

 

 

When a baserunner, bent toward the ground,

Got picked off by a throw from the mound,

To the dugout he went,

But yelled, "I shan't repent!

I'm worth more from this PENNY I FOUND!!!"

 

 

 "Delightfully Forgetful" AKA: "At Last, Something To Root For!"

.

A cheerleader, stripper by night,

Did a cheer with her breasts in plain sight

When the men did applaud

She proclaimed "Ohmigawd!

I can never recall my jobs right!"

 

 

 

"The Two Sides Of The NBA Coin"

 

'Twas the trade of the year! Changed the game!

-Though for one, 'twas a sizeable shame

See, the dust came to fall,

And L.A. got Gasol...

While the Grizzlies were stuck holding Kwame.

 

      

Good                                  Bad

 

 

A WHOLE WORLD OUT THERE: SOCIOLOGICAL RAMIFICATIONS OF PROLONGED ISOLATION

 

Case Study 1:

"Raw Truth: Cable TV Runs Amok In South Dakota"

 

 

A child's sheltered life became clear

At the state wrestling meet in Pierre

Said the lad, "Don't be sad,

But this ain't wrestling, Dad

-There's no costumes or folded up up chairs!"

 

 

Case Study 2:

"Unwittingly Comatose: A Nerd Faces His Issues"

.

A techie devoted to Dell

Was clued in to his self-imposed shell

When the talk turned to sport

And his only retort

Was: "Michael Jordan, eh? Doesn't ring a bell..."

 

 

Michael who?

 

"Rocketed Into Retirement: A Liar's Song"

 

.

Like a fire on its last burning ember

Roger fibbed, like he has since December

As they dragged him to jail,

He continued to rail,

Screaming, "Noooooo! Andy Pettitte misremembered!!!"

"Why didn't I quit lying while I still had the chance?"

 

 

 

DISEN-FAN-CHISEMENT... GET IT?

 

Example 1:

"Calling 'Em As I Sees 'Em: An NFL Fan Badmouths His Team's Former Coach"

 

.

From Atlanta, Petrino departed

'Leven months from the time that he started

'Twas a weak way to play it

And you're not allowed to say it,

But the man is most likely retarded

(-and a selfish, untrustable scumbag)

Not to be trusted.

 

 

Example 2:

"Acceptance: An NFL Fan Ponders His Team's Recent Failures"

 

.

I won't twist my words into contortion

Or blow anything out of proportion

But the Dolphins are bad,

And the season they had?

Let's just call it what it was- an abortion!

 

 

 

"Down The Tubes With A BULLET: The Proliferation Of Spinelessness"

 

.

As the PC brigade breeds its' whores,

Past excitement has turned into snores

Our example today

Comes from the NBA:

The Washington "You-Can't-Say-That-Anymores"

 

Don't look!  It's a bad word! 

 

NIGHT AT THE BOWL-O-RAMA: A COLLECTION OF SHORT STORIES ABOUT AMERICA'S LAST PURE FORM OF RECREATION

 

Story 1:

"Revenge Of The Chili Dog: A Less-Than-Ideal Path To Weight Loss"

 

.

A large bowler's dire issues with food

Made his fat, from the ball holes, obtrude

And the finger he lost

With a strike that he tossed

Left him far less equipped to be rude

 

 

Story 2:

"Of Youthful Enthusiasm... And Its' By-Products"

 

.

A new bowling lane buffer named Dax

Was unchecked in his usage of wax

And the sound of percussion

Followed each new concussion

As the patrons fell flat on their backs

 

 

Story 3:

"...In The Alley's Back Alley" AKA: "Bowling For Wiseguys"

 

.

On the side, Dax sold black market modems,

But the mob sought the money he owed 'em

And outside 'gainst the wall

With a 16-pound ball,

They pancaked his wanker and scrotum

.

 

Soon, a doctor confirmed his worst scare:

"Son, you're ruined forever down there."

But Dax had the doc rolling:

"Too bad life's not like bowling

-At least then I could've picked up a spare!"

 

 

 

"Overly Qualified?: A Wannabe's Undeniable Resume"

 

.

Here's a talk between driver Hal Stork

And NASCAR'S pre-eminent dork:

"What makes you so sure

You can drive on our tour?"

"Well, I once drove a cab in New York!"

Training ground for NASCAR?

 

 

 

"Anti-Climactic: The 'Big C' Defeats The 'Big O'"

 

.

A "quick-trigger" lover named Bryce

Sought some orgasm-halting advice.

Said his friend, "When it's near,

Keep this thought 'tween your ears:

Charlie Weis! Charlie Weis! Charlie Weis!"

The cure for all sexy thoughts... 

 

 

 

"Playing Under Protest: The New Age Of Dr. King's Passive Resistance?"

 

.

Displeased at a call he found lame,

Tommy shat on the court in a game

Then he yelled to the dome,

"My dog does it at home,

So I figured, 'Why not do the same?!!'"

 

 

 MADNESS INDEED: SARDONIC OBSERVATIONS OF A CERTAIN SPRINGTIME MONTH

.

Observation 1:

"Joy So Fleeting: A Mid-Major Basketball Team Celebrates An NCAA Tournament Berth"

 

.

At the buzzer, the fans promptly rushed

To the court, where the team captain gushed,

"What a fabulous journey!

We won our conference tourney!

Now it's on to 'The Dance' to get crushed!"

 

 

Observation 2:

"Foul Play: A Fan's Reaction To A Tournament Game's Painfully Slow Conclusion"

 

.

For fuck's sake, will you just let them win it?

You're down 12 and you're not even in it!

In "the NCAA"

It takes 4 hours to play

(One of which is the game's final minute)

 

 

 

"Psychiatric Explanation Of A Slump: A Major Leaguer Undergoes Therapy"

 

.

Me Little League coach, Mr. Garrett

Once gave me the strangest demerit

But upon second look,

'Twas not by the book,

For he sodomized me with a carrot!

"I've got issues, man!"

 

 

 

"Fanatacism Takes No Sick Days: The Timelessly Touching Tale Of A True Trooper"

 

.

With his five flu-touched friends on the shelf

A gigantic fan, still in good health,

With a paintbrush did dab

His abdominal flab

And spelled out the word "BROWNS" by himself

 

 

 

COACHES GONE WILD

 

Coach 1:

"The Knicks In A Nutshell: One For The Lowlight Reel"

.

The fans couldn't believe what they saw:

To the dropping of jaw after jaw,

Coach Isiah disrobed...

Then the mascot he probed...

Then breakdanced at midcourt in the raw

.

 

The crowd became palpably queasy

At this clown so incredibly sleazy

And the coach, he proclaimed:

"Yeah, I should be ashamed...

But topping myself isn't easy!"

"In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not easily embarrassed"

 

 

Coach 2:

"Stubborn Until Proven Guilty"

 

.

When some children were practically killed

By the driving of Belichick Bill

He delivered a bite

That was typically slight

"...they just... got out in front of my grill..."

 

.

After hours of jury deliberation

He was fined for a traffic violation-

Which, of course, he contested

(Though most figured he jested)

When he blamed a "rules misinterpretation"

"You cheat to win the game!  HELLO!"

 

 

 

"To Catch A Senator" AKA: "Smooth Operator (In The Bizarro World)"

 

.

"There's some stuff about chicks I don't get,"

Complained Ottowa's Antoine Vermette,

"With my deviant stare,

I show them I care,

But somehow, I haven't scored yet!"

 

The abstruse game of love he tried playing

But his rap smacked of sexual preying:

"Hey babe, if you're lucky,

I'll be slippin' my pucky

Through your five-hole, if you know what I'm saying..."

.

 

Since he played in the great NHL

He thought girls would fall under his spell

So he squeezed his date's butt,

Took a kick to the gut,

Then said, "That didn't go very well..."

.

 

With his prospects so far from advancin'

He logged on for a little romancin'

But his mood turned to blue

At a blind rendez-vous

When he heard: "Have a seat, I'm Chris Hansen."

 

The last guy you want to see on a blind date...

.

.

.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Take that, ya stinkin' ninnies!!!