WHO'S YOUR DADDY?  I NEED TO GIVE HIM SOME PARENTING TIPS...

 

PART 1

 

"A Message To Schools With 'Celebration Issues'"

 

The Gatorade poured

When you beat an unranked foe

Act like you've been there!

"Congratulations!  You just beat Mesa Community College!"

 

 

And on top of that,

Your fans rushed onto the field

Have they any class?

Win much?

 

 

PART 2

 

"Pent-Up Immaturity At A Victory Party"

 

When celebrating,

Some coaches behave far worse

Than their players do

 

 

 PART 3

  "A Final Moment Of Clarity: Addendum To Parts 1 And 2"

 

We've got it all wrong!

Cheerleaders should be the ones

Soaked with Gatorade!

 

 

"Musings Of A Man Whose Lack Of Fashion Knowledge Could Fill A Warehouse"

 

Those helmet visors-

Don't know if they help or not,

But they sure look cool

Cooooool...

 

 

"The Eternal Question: What Comes Before 'Before'?"

 

Pre-game shows are long-

So long that we might soon see

The pre-pre-game show

 

 

'Course, once that happens,

The next spawns will surely rise:

Pre-pre-pre-game shows

 

 

"Remember What Just Happened?: The Subconscious Effect Of Recency Over Primacy In The World Of The Overdone Countdown Show"

 

The best plays EVER?

Most footage takes place after

1998!

 

 "Oh, Flush It Already!" AKA: "Why Are We Even Having This Debate?"

Sport or not a sport?

Despite the endless air time

Poker does not count

Not a sport.  (Nice hand, though)

 

 

DESPISEMENT AND ADVERTISEMENT

 

INSTALLMENT 1

 

"Overblown Blowout: When Disappointment Lives Up To The Hype"

When are commercials

Better than the game itself?

In the Super Bowl!

 

 

INSTALLMENT 2

 

 "And While We're On The Subject..." AKA: "I Know There's Money In Sports, But..."

 

Don't you hate it when

You see the same commercial

Twice in the same break?

 

 

"That Really Bugs Me:  Why Certain Sports Will Never Catch On In The U.S."

 

Cricket?  How silly!

Who in the hell names a sport

After an insect?

 

 

"Holy Sh**"

Why aren't Cath'lic priests

Allowed at Little League games?

They're sex offenders!

"Stay away from our children!"

 

 

"An Attempt To Avoid Leaves A Void: The Latest Chapter In Monday Night Football's Attempt To Ruin It's Product"

 

Theismann will be missed

But Jaworski's not to blame

-It's Kornheiser's fault

Dennis Miller with a combover?

 

 

 "Diagnosis:  Boring"

Tim Duncan's doctor

Found his health lacking one thing:

Personality

"Maybe playing point guard will loosen him up!"

 

 

"Chucking The Spears Of Ignorance: The Author Puts A Stereotype To Rest"

I've noticed something:

You rarely see African

Javelin throwers

 

 

"Athletic?  Perhaps.  Cool?  Not In This Lifetime:  An Open Letter To Step Teams Everywhere"

 

My take: tap dancing,

No matter how it's packaged,

Will always be lame

 =

 

 

I CALLS 'EM AS I SEES 'EM:  A FAN'S IMMEDIATE REACTIONS TO A COLLEGE BASKETBALL BROADCAST

 

REACTION 1

 

 "The Worst Accessory:" AKA: "No Compliment For A Complement"

 

No offense, Digger,

But that highlighter gimmick?

Kinda feminine...

"Now where did I put that lime green highlighter?"

 

 

REACTION 2

  "Yeah, I Know I'm Going To Hell, But I'm OK With It"

 

Digger and Vitale

At the desk with Stuart Scott

= One good pair of eyes

 

 

"Newbie News No Choosie Choose While Paying Dues With Interviews"

 "You're the new guy here,

So you'll be interviewing

The losing coach"

  

Grunt work?

 

 

 "Selling Out: A Reformist's Point Of View On The NBA And NHL Playoffs"

The best of the best?

Then why are so many teams

Below .500?

 

 

"Not A Fielder's Choice"

What starts with a "c",

Ends with "unt", and frustrates men?

Carefully laid bunt.

Gotcha!

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff