"Call Me Old School, But..."

 

 Pay College Athletes?

They're already paid, I say

-With their scholarships!

 

 

 

"A Fundamental Problem: Why The United States Suffers In International Basketball Competition"

 

Olympics are tough

-More so when you've learned the game

From the "And 1" guys

 

 

(Not the ideal basketball instructors)

 

 

"Don't Even Go There, You Brain-Dead Bimbo: A Man Defends His Guilty Pleasure To His Girlfriend"

Sure, pro wrestling's fake,

But it's still not as staged as...

Reality shows!

Still beats "The Bachelor" any day!

 

 

"Nightmares and Maladjustment: A Story Of Unresolved Issues"

What is scarier

Than Lawrence Taylor on coke?

Little League parents

"Now go out there and play like a bunch of crazed dogs or you're not getting a ride home.  You got that!?  Okay, good Luck!  Daddy loves you!"

 

 

"Saturation Theory" AKA: "There's Only Room For One Type Of Football On Any Given Continent"

 

For twenty plus years

I've heard, "Soccer will be huge"

Well... I'm... still... waiting...

Wake me when it's popular...

 

 

 

ON THE BORDER

(BETWEEN FUNNY AND JUST PLAIN WRONG, THAT IS...)

EXAMPLE #1

 

 "Alien Conspiracy Uncovered:  Why The INS Ignores The Immigration Issue"

 

Without illegals

A certain sport would suffer:

Major League Baseball

 

 

EXAMPLE #2

 

"180 Mile-Per-Hour Stereotype" AKA: "Shoot, All He Needs Now Are Some Of Them Bouncy Hydraulic Thangs"

 

NASCAR fans enjoy

Juan Pablo Montoya's horn:

"La Cucaracha"

"beep-beep-beep-beep-beep, beep-beep-beep-beep-beep!"

 

 

"Quiet Revelations" AKA: "I Never Did Understand That Sport Anyway"

Announcers for golf

Sit in a booth far away,

Yet they still whisper...

 

 

A SPORTY COMMENTARY ON THE AGE IN WHICH WE LIVE

VERSE 1:

 

"Say Cheese!"

 

Don't worry, athletes

A new friend is on the way:

The paparazzi

A 35-mm window into the future?

 

 

VERSE 2:

 

"Going Hollywood: Advice For 'Bad Boy' Athletes"

Getting some bad press?

Check yourself into rehab-

That's what the stars do!

"It's where all the cool kids go"

 

 

"Thoughts Of A Pervert During A Beach Volleyball Match"

I wish I could be

The sand inside her swimsuit

Right about now... Yeah...

 

 

"Lower Than Low:  A Dolphin Kicker's Legend Lives On"

Insulting a guy?

Tell him he throws like a girl.

That should do the trick

 

 

Insulting a girl?

That's easy.  Tell her she throws

Like Yepremian

Still ugly after all these years.

 

 

 

"Mired In Anonymity: A Fan's Curiosity Upon Hearing The Conversational Mention Of (Perhaps?) The NBA's Least-Celebrated Franchise"

 

You're kidding me, right?

The Golden State Warriors?

Are they still playing?

"At least we got to round 2 last year!"

 

 

"Serve and Volley: An Insult Contest From The French Open"

Your momma's so big

She wears two tennis nets

For fishnet stockings

 

 

Well your mom's so big

She shoots all your practice balls

From her va-jay-jay

 

  

"Oxygen Deprivation As A Training Tool" AKA: "It's A Euro Thing- You Wouldn't Understand"

 

Athletes from Europe

Have a "Kool" secret weapon:

They smoke cigarettes

"Try running a marathon after smoking a pack of these, you silly American!"

   

 

"What's In A Name?" AKA: "Ancient Chinese Secret No More"

There is but one sport

Named for its greatest player.

That sport is Ping Pong

 

  

"Unexpected Guests (Who Should Actually Be Expected)"

 

When your team does well

Prepare to have company

(The bandwagon fans)

 

 

 END.

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff