Like, hi!  Remember me?  The Drama Queen?  I know it's been a while, but things have been majorly swampy for me!  Between cheerleading and fulfilling my duties as a member of the Prestwick High School Homecoming Court, I barely have time to skip class!  How stressful is that?  Plus, I broke up with my old boyfriend Trey today and started going out with my new boyfriend Chaz, which made Trey totally rage out during lunch period and throw a pot pie against the wall.  Detention!  I was so embarrassed for him, but what did he expect?  He asked if we could go steady before school started in the morning, then didn't even meet me at my locker after first period!  Did he really think he'd still be my boyfriend at the end of the day?  Besides, Chaz completes me, and I've never been happier!  When he walked me to lunch today, I just knew he was the one.  And Kylie even heard he was planning something special for our 3-day anniversary.   I can't wait!

 

Anyway, just because I haven't vented about my favorite subject in a while, that doesn't mean it suddenly became easy for a teen princess to like sports without her friends thinking she's psycho!  That's why writing in my sports diary is so special.  It's the only place where I feel truly understood- which is great right about now, because I have some UNBELIEVABLY important issues on my mind...

 

 

 

NFL HALL OF FAME BLAZERS

 

Ohmigawd, can you believe those awful blazers the NFL guys have to wear at the Hall of Fame ceremonies?  They're like, beyond repulsive!  What color is that, anyway?  Faux-yellow?  Whatevs- it's more like barf-beige!  Could you imagine looking that heinous in front of that many people?  It's like the recurring dream I keep having where I'm giving a book report in front of the whole class and I realize I'm wearing pleather!  Whoever forces them to wear those jackets should have to put one on himself and like, go to a restaurant or something so he can see how it feels.  It's like, "I totally played my butt off for 16 years for this?  So I could stand up here and give a speech dressed like some 1970's lounge lizard?"  How rude!

 

Barf-beige blazer

 

 

SPORTS NEWS SHOWS WITH BUSY SCREENS

 

How is a person supposed to follow the sports highlights with all those words and numbers on the screen (especially when she's painting her toenails and texting her girlfriends)?  They're crawling across the bottom; they're going up and down the sides- talk about T.M.I.!  As it is, I buy those cliffy notes so I don't have to read the books my English teacher assigns me, and even then, I have trouble finishing them without stopping six times to complain about how bored I am.  So as you can see, there's just no way I can process all that stuff on the sports news without getting overstipulated.

 

 

 

MATT LEINART GETTING SACKED

 

So I'm watching a football game the other day and this huge black guy runs through the blockers and totally tackles Matt Leinart- before he could throw the ball!!!  Are they even allowed to do that?  'Cuz I'm pretty sure it's against the rules.  So anyway, there he is, fragile Matt Leinart, all crumpled in a heap while this Neanderthog and his buddies high five each other.  I just sat there gnashing my teeth, and the only time I can remember feeling so angry was on my 16th birthday when I wanted a Mercedes, but instead, my dad got me a lousy BMW- and it was only a 3 Series!  I wished him dead at least a thousand times while I cried myself to sleep that night ... but I digrest...  I swear, I wanted to jump through the screen and stomp that guy's scrotum with my Prada heels.  Nobody does that to my Matthew!

"Nobody does that to my Matthew!"

 

 

 

TRADES WITH RIVAL FRANCHISES

 

I'm like, a total baseball historican, so I'm constantly dishing all these facts that a casual fan would never know.  Check this one out:  Before that Baby Ruth guy played for the Yankees and hit all those home runs, he was a thrower for the Boston Bosox!  Can you believe that?  They're totally rivals!  It would be like our quarterback Jimmy Martin suiting up for Mason High!!!  God, how I hate them!  Personally, I don't know how those fans could stand to see him in pinstripes (although they did create a slimming effect which, BTW, he sorely needed).  Wait- actually I do know!  One time, my dork of a little brother switched Ruby's adorable USC chihuahua sweater with one that said UCLA!  The only thing that kept me from wringing his neck was the fact that the Bruin blue complemented her little pink booties.  You know, kind of a springy pastel motif.  I might even dress her in that sweater again on Easter, but that's not the point!  The point is you never trade your greatest player to your archenemies!  

 

 

 

JANET JACKSON'S WARDROBE MALFUNCTION

 

Grrrrrr!  I am so mad at that hussie Janet Jackson!  Thanks to her exhibitionalism, now the Super Bowl people won't let my future husband Justin Timberlake perfom at the halftime show!  Is there no justice?  Was it really asking too much for a grown woman to keep her boob inside her shirt for 5 minutes?  I hope you learned your lesson, Justin, because I am now in the advanced stages of sexy withdrawal.  This is what happens when you get involved with loose women, and I should know.  My ex-ex-boyfriend Josh started going out with that skank Wendy Forrest and guess what- he got crabs! 

 

"Ooooh, that hussie!"

 

 

STEPHON MARBURY'S SHOES

 

Let's chit-chat, 'kay?  And pay attention, too, 'cuz this is like, waaay deep.  There are certain things in the universe that just are, and those things should not be questioned. You know, like Charles Durbin's evolution thingy.  Case in point:  Everybody knows that the purpose of clothing is to separate the hotties from the scabs.  Furthermore, the price of a piece of clothing determines how fashionable it is.  Duh!  How else can you find out who's been naturally selected to look fabulous?  Bottom line?  There is no point in wearing a piece of clothing that doesn't scream, "I'm better than you."  And that is exactly why my feet will NEVER touch a pair of Stephon Marbury shoes.  They cost like, fifteen dollars!  Can you say "garbage?"  Fifteen dollars!  I mean, really.  I guess it's sweet that he wants to help poor kids and all, but if I made a charge that puny on Daddy's credit card, I'd probably die from embarrassment before he even saw the statement.  Do you know what kind of people wear $15 shoes?  People like Kyle Munson, that entirely unnecessary spazz who asked me to prom last year. (Seriously, what was he smoking?)

"You call that fashion?"

 

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff