In The Locker Room

  

-A tired, old joke will be made each time someone drops his soap.

 

 -Words like "boobies" and "pee-pee" still elicit fits of uncontrollable giggling.

 

-Players take quick, subtle glances downward to see how well-hung the guy standing next to them is.

 

-Chairs should always be checked for Vaseline and other clear gels before sitting in them.

 

-Shaving cream pies are served with regularity.

 

-The law of karma is strictly enforced.

 

Therefore...

 

-The player doing the teasing this week secretly fears that he will be the next victim.

 

-There's always that one guy who's brave enough to pull a prank on the coach.

 

-There's always that one guy who wallpapers his locker with pictures of himself.

 

 

  In The Locker Room

 

 

-Bench-warmer or not, the team's best towel-snapper is revered by his mates.

 

-A gruesome scene occasionally unfolds when a towel snap intended for someone's hindquarters misses its' mark (and instead finds the family jewels) because the intended victim turns around in that split second after the irreversible snap has been set in motion.

 

-Players who shave their heads are usually in and out of the shower more quickly than those with lustrous, flowing manes.

 

-The player with the smallest noodle avoids showering with the rest of the team.

 

- The player with the most reporters crowding around his locker will likely ask them for a few feet of extra space to make room for his growing ego.

 

-The player with the greatest number of foofy hair products and lotions will be subject to ridicule.

 

-The player who raises his voice an octave and says "I love you" during phone calls with his girlfriend will be subject to ridicule.

 

-The player who keeps pictures of his kitty cat in his wallet will be subject to ridicule.

 

-Foreign athletes experience culture shock when subjected to American hazing rituals.

 

-The "Atomic Heat in the jock strap" gag made famous by the movie Revenge of the Nerds is rarely performed because, even aomong the manliest of men, it is considered cruel and unusual.

 

 

  In The Locker Room

 

 

 

-A player is more likely to share the story of last night's sexual conquest if it involves a babe than he is if he "went hoggin'".

 

-A mini fashion show takes place on game day as each player tries show up wearing a sharper suit than the next guy.

 

-A combination of boosters, meddling agents, and egomaniacal owners has resulted in the ubiquitous presence of wet bars, day spas, and solid gold toilets in modern-day facilities.

 

-Although players' mothers are not permitted inside, their presence remains largely felt in the form of "yo momma" jokes.

 

-73% of players polled felt they were underpaid.

 

-87% of players polled said their favorite movie was "Scarface".

 

 

   In The Locker Room

 

-Some guy who isn't the real leader of the team will try to assert himself by giving a speech, and no one will listen.

 

-The team owner will make the occasional "morale-boosting" appearance, and despite his best efforts to fit in, he will inevitably throw off the delicate balance of the locker room ecosystem.

 

However...

 

-Though his visits may be awkward, players will still pretend to laugh at the owner's jokes because he's the guy who signs their paychecks.

 

-Even in a room full of hairy, sweaty, smelly jocks, if your underwear sticks to the side of your locker, it's considered disgusting. 

 

-Generally speaking, most players will not want the locker next to yours if you're that guy.

 

-Rookies and freshman, no matter how talented or well-paid, will always be scum.

 

 

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff