Good evening.  This is The Sports Intellectual Report, your source for the sports news the "real media"  won't tell you.  I'm Rod Stiffington, and these are the X's and O's...

 

Tragedy struck New Orleans again on Sunday when a fan who was disappointed with the Saints performance this season decided to attend their game against the Jacksonville Jaguars wearing a bag over his head, a la the "Aints" fans of yesteryear.  Unfortunately, he used a clear plastic bag, and with no need to cut out any eyeholes in order to see, he quickly suffocated to death before the kickoff.  The fan, whose name is being withheld due to the embarrassment his family is suffering, was ironically heard telling those in his section that, just for once, he wanted to see the Saints get a big lead so they could have some breathing room.  Even more ironically, the Saints did just that, winning 41-24.

 

(This would've been a better idea.)

 

 

Despite the fact that they lost a football game to the Naval Academy for the first time in 43 years, spirits remain high among the Notre Dame faithful- especially those of Charlie Weis, their rotund leader.  When asked if he had ever seen his coach with a long face this year, Freshman QB Jimmy Clausen said, "No, I'd say he has more of a wide face."

Long face?  Hard to tell...

 

 

In an exclusive TSI interview this week, Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs spoke candidly for the first time about his traffic accident during the wee hours of August 27th.  Briggs, who was sentenced only to community service, was charged with two misdemeanors in the incident:  the first, for failing to report the accident, and the second, for leaving its' scene- which, according to him, was the smartest thing he's ever done. 

"I was so beyond wasted," chuckled Briggs, "that sticking around would have totally gotten me a DUI." 

At the end of the day, however, Briggs claims to have learned his lesson from the episode and says it has given him a deeper perspective on life (although he still maintains that the saddest part of the whole thing was seeing the crumpled wreckage of his 2007 Lamborghini).

Tears at your heartstrings, doesn't it?

 

 

Well, fans, you can finally stop debating about which college football conference is number one!  Earlier this week, an international panel of statisticians and computer analysts assembled to address that very issue.  Using a complex mathematical formula that takes into account over 3 trillion different statistics and intangibles, they determined once and for all that the Big Sky Conference reigns supreme, followed closely by the Sunbelt Conference.  Upon hearing of such conclusive findings, NCAA President Miles Brand declared it "resounding proof" that computer calculations should play an integral role in the college football process.  He even went on to say that, in his estimation, what the BCS really needs is a more elaborate computer ranking system, and that he is considering hiring the aforementioned team of number-crunchers during the off-season to make it happen.

"Makes sense to me!"

     

In other news, the New Jersey Nets demonstrated both a flair for nostalgia and a complete misunderstanding of the term "throwback uniform" last Wednesday when they took the court for their home opener wearing footie pajamas.

 

The new throwback uniforms?

 

And speaking of throwbacks in the NBA, David Stern announced today that in order to appeal to America's growing geriatric population, there will be a new addition to the skills competition at next year's All-Star Weekend:  a granny shot contest in which players will be given 60 seconds to convert as many underhand free throws as they can.  No word yet on what the prize will be, but sources say that Stern is leaning toward giving the winner the entire Matlock collection on DVD.

 

Rick Barry's forte... and a worthy prize!

 

 

And finally, college football expert Beano Cook will be honored by his alma mater, the University of Pittsburgh, for being the first and only Panther graduate to have an anti-flatulence product named after him.

"Use beano, and there'll be no gas!"

 

 

Thanks for watching The Sports Intellectual Report.  Tune in next week when David Ortiz reveals that the nickname "Big Papi" actually came from his pre-baseball days as an opium dealer. 

Papi seed?

I'm Rod Stiffington, and that's the final buzzer.

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff