Welcome again to The Sports Intellectual Report, your source for all the sports news the "real media" won't tell you.  I'm Rod Stiffington, and these are the X's and O's...

Still outraged by the dogfighting exploits of Michael Vick, PETA members have launched a new campaign to ensure that the fallen star receives no preferential treatment while in jail.  This latest wave of protesting was touched off by a document leaked from the Petersburg, Virginia Federal Correctional Institution, in which a plan is outlined to make Vick feel more at home by equipping his cell with a rape stand.  Although PETA maintains that doing so would be unfair to others, prison authorities have assured them that the only one who will truly derive enjoyment from the amenity will be Bulldozer, Vick's 280-pound future cellmate.

 

 

After going winless in their first 8 games, the Miami Dolphins have already declared the season "a mulligan" and created a new slogan for next year's squad:  

"Dolphins football.  Expect the worst, and if something different happens, cheer like hell!"

 

 

A similar slogan could probably apply to this year's Notre Dame football program.  However, their corpulent leader Charlie Weis does not appear to be worried.  And while certainly not the coaching genius some thought him to be, his ability to remain calm amid a sea of choppy waters is quickly becoming legendary.  During his weekly press conference on Monday, Weis simulaneously justified his 1-7 record and appeased Notre Dame's Catholic fan base by assuring everyone in attendance that the team's dismal performance is "all part of God's plan".

 

"I'm a divine failure!"

 

 

Ever the entrepreneur, Magic Johnson has announced his partnership in a venture to create a new chain of sports bars where scantily clad waitresses serve up hot wings and cold beer.  If it sounds familiar, it's because it is.  However, Johnson and his group will be putting a different twist on the idea by eschewing the temptation to employ women who are, shall we say, top-heavy, and instead hiring girls who are well-endowed someplace else.  And the name of the chain, you ask?  Cooters!  

 

 

And now for another TSI Advanced Copy Exclusive!  Alex Rodriguez will soon be in the news again, but not quite for the reasons he'd like.  In the upcoming sequel to his tell-all book "Juiced", Jose Canseco will reveal that early in his career, Rodriguez became consumed by the fact that certain fans took his metrosexual image as a sign that he was gay.  Mortified at the rumors, Rodriguez began wearing chaps to the ballpark in hopes of projecting a more manly appearance.  However, he later scrapped the idea when a fan pointed out that the chaps, in fact, made him look reeeally gay.

 

 

But don't feel bad for A-Rod, folks.  After uberagent Scott Boras discreetly disclosed that his client will opt out of his $25 million a year contract with the Yankees to search for greener pastures, he re-emerged just hours later to announce that in order to help potential employers offset some of cost of the obscene contract his superstar will demand, he brokered a 13-figure endorsement deal between A-Rod and the U.S. Federal Reserve.

 

 

And finally, in what may be the sporting world's ultimate display of selfishness, start and finish have filed lawsuits against each other to obtain the exclusive naming rights to what we currently know as the start/finish line.  Caught in the middle of the dispute are NASCAR drivers, whose most recent race has now entered its third consecutive day as they await a verdict.

A fight to the finish?

or to the start?

 

 

Thanks for watching The Sports Intellectual Report.  Tune in next week when we reveal that Joba Chamberlain

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

looks like

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meat Loaf.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm Rod Stiffington, and that's the final buzzer.

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff