"Beating A Dead Horse: An Old Joke The Author Never Gets Tired Of Making"

 

 

If Mr. Ed dies,

I've got a good replacement:

His name's John Elway

 

Look at those chompers!

 

 

 

"Re-Evaluation Of An Evaluation"

 

 

The 40-yard dash

Just how important is it?

(Rice: 4.7)

 

Good.

 

 

"Singing The Blues In A Blue Jacket: An Ode To Columbus's Pro Hockey Franchise"

Congratulations!

You're the sole NHL team

That's still playoff-free

 

Not good.

 

 

  

 

FROM WORSE TO WORSER:  A NEW FORM OF CHILD ABUSE

 

 

EPISODE  I

 

"You're Out! (Of Your Minds): A Scene From A Little League Baseball Game In Cincinnatti"

"Hey, batter!  Hey, bat-"

"STOP!  That's negative chatter!

You're causing trauma!"

 

 

 

 

EPISODE II

 

 

"Overprotective And Proud Of It: The Transcript Of A Community Meeting Held Somewhere In The State Of Washington"

"Let's outlaw booing!

Heaven forbid our offspring

Should know the real world!"

 

 

 

 

 

"Daydreaming Of A More Fan-Friendly Sports Environment" AKA: "Wouldn't It Be Cool If..."

In auto racing

Cars should have the following:

James Bond oil slicks

 

 

 

 

"Currency Exchange: A Translation Guide For Press Conferences"

 

"Not about money"

When an athlete tells you this,

It's about money

 

 

 

 

"Blushing Orange: Syracuse Fans In The Strangest Places"

 

Queen wrote the ballad

"Boeheimian Rhapsody"

For Coach Jim Boeheim

 

"How Flattering!"

 

 

 

 

"Shhhhhhh... It's The White Thing To Do" AKA: "The Hellish Reality Of Shaun Kemp And Kobe Bryant" AKA: "Bartender, Gimme A Standard- And Make It A Double!"

Knocking up a girl

And dumping her is OK

-If you're Tom Brady

 

 

Sexual assault

Will quickly be forgotten

-If you're Marv Albert

 

 

A lil' DUI

Is really not an issue

-If you're Michael Phelps

 

White collar crimes?

 

 

 

"Comedy Of Errors: A Fan Rehashes His Personal Grievance With Monday Night Football"

 

 

It's been many years,

But Dennis Miller's presence

Can't be forgiven

 

"I'm so eloquent I'm incoherent.  It's like listening to Nancy Pelosi deliver one of her meandering exordiums before the State of the Union Address- as if, after seven years we're suddenly supposed to latch onto the idea that George W. Bush is this iconoclastic harbinger of the New World Order.  And while physically, you're caught in this patriotic tractor beam of self-reproach, the reality is, you've already checked out and you're scrolling through the old mental dossier trying to figure out where to file the whole affair in the continuum of things you'd rather be dissected alive by a pygmy witch doctor than to have to endure, only to discover that it occupies the space right between doing hard time in a Mexican prison with nothing but a three-legged mule to keep you company and gargling Condoleeza Rice's bathwater..."

 

 

 

 

"It's Alive!: Creation Of A Monster"

 

 

Young OJ Mayo

Was issued a trading card

As a high schooler!

 

 

As if his ego,

Already out of control,

Was needing a boost

 

"No need to applaud.  I know I'm great."

 

 

 

 

"Quoth The Raven, 'Traitor Forevermore'"

 

 

Why are Browns fans mad?

Their team won the Super Bowl...

In Baltimore!  Zing!!!

 

 

Will the real Browns please stand up?

 

 

 

 

"Bypass In The Literal Sense: Wondering Aloud Why A Certain Porker Remains Obese"

 

 

My God, Charlie Weis!

Did they staple your stomach,

Or just your sphincter?

 

How does he do it?

 

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff