(Written In Large, Senior-Friendly Print)

At The Senior Olympics

 

 -A distinct vitamin-like smell* permeates the air.

 

 

-"Early Bird" meals are provided for competitors (and large tips are not expected).

 

 

 

-The line between race walking and running is somewhat gray.

 

 

-"Triathlete" is a (sometimes derogatory) term for a competitor who uses a cane.

 

 

 

-Metamucil is a primary sponsor.

 

 

 

-Port-A-Potties are set up every 300 feet.

 

 

 

-Free prostate exam booths are set up every 200 feet.

 

 

 

-The largest contingent of athletes is the delegation from Florida. 

 

 

 

In fact...

 

 

 

-Florida competes as its own sovereign nation.

 

 

*Probably Centrum Silver  

 

 

At The Senior Olympics

 

 

-There never seems to be enough parking spaces (handicapped or otherwise) for all the crookedly parked Buicks.

 

 

-Parents and grandparents of competitors are usually the crowd's most animated members.

 

 

-It's not always a good thing when a golf participant finishes a hole with three strokes.

 

 

 

- Continuing a longstanding tradition of good will, competitors gather in "Ben-Gay circles" prior to their events.

 

 

 

-Due to advances in technology, artificial hips have evolved to be almost as good as real ones.

 

 

-Illegal use of steroids and Human Growth Hormone is rampant.

 

 

-Prescription goggles and hydrodynamic adult diapers are utilized during swimming events.

 

 

-After a 1982 scandal now known as "Whippersnappergate", a strict screening process for potential entrants was created to prevent unscrupulous young ringers with fake IDs from sneaking in and winning all the medals.

 

 

 

-Athletes are provided with Rascal scooters for transportation to and from their events.

 

 

At The Senior Olympics

 

-Mischievious competitors have been known to secretly turn up the volume in the hearing aids of their opponents, then laugh at them as they endure mini-heart attacks brought on by the sound of the starting gun.

 

 

-Purse-snatchers and slick-talking con men posing as retirement planners have become a security issue.

 

-Like rabbits in heat, competitors from all over the world hook up with each other and have wild, noncommital sex.

 

 

-During a three-hour period in the middle of each day, all events are suspended for naptime.

 

 

 

-In the wake of the recent recognition of shuffleboard as an official event, a strong push is now underway for the inclusion of bingo.

 

 

-Extra Strength Polident reprsentatives are always in attendance looking for that next charismatic star to sign to an endorsement deal.

 

 

 

-Menopausal competitors are given bone density tests to ensure that they aren't calcium doping.

 

 

-Flatulence is so common that when it occurs, no one even acknowledges it.

 

At The Senior Olympics

 

-The sound of joints popping and cracking is not necessarily a cause for alarm.

 

 

 

-Irving Berlin is the overwhelming choice to be the entertainment at the opening ceremonies.

 

 

 

-Bacon is a popular menu item even though most in attendance are forbidden by their doctors from eating it.

 

 

 

-Irving Berlin is the overwhelming choice to be the entertainment at the closing ceremonies.

 

 

- Prior to the games, literature on how to deal with dirty old men is distributed by the host city.

 

 

 

-Organizers have their hands full making sure making sure that the right competitors are in the right events.

 

 

-There is a palpable jealousy from competitors who believe that recipients of the Purple Heart receive preferential treatment.

 

 

-Because of the high number of competitors with glaucoma, marijuana is not on the banned substances list.

 

 

 

-Because of the high number of oxygen tanks in the area, the traditional torch has been replaced by a giant light bulb.

 

 

At The Senior Olympics

 

 

-Pictures of Betty Grable are hung for inspiration in male dormitories.

 

 

 

-The lost and found is considered a hot spot for meeting members of the opposite sex.

 

 

-Events are timed with sundials.

 

 

-Athletes on team buses consistently find themselves entertained as lost members of bus tours mistakenly wander aboard.

 

 

 

-Nightly Ginger Ale toasts are held for athletes and patrons who wish to be social.

 

 

 

-Most silver medalists agree that the pain of missing out on the gold medal pales in comparison to that of the stock market crash.

 

 

 

-Events are held annually to ensure that gold medalists have the best chance of living long enough to defend their titles.

 

 

 

-When someone yells, "Show us your tits!" to a female competitor, she doesn't have to lift her shirt up very far.

 

 

 

-The grumpy sound of complaining can be heard in the air long after the games have ended.

 Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff