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Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz... It's me again! The Sports Fly! Sorry for the absence, but I found this sweet stash of raw sewage and lost all track of time. You know how it is.
Bzzzzzzzzzzz... After being away from the sports world for so long, I'm really anxious to get back to my eavesdropping- and what better place to start than at the bottom with the lower-than-low O.J. Simpson? Now that he's managed to get himself into trouble again, the search has begun for a fair and impartial jury.
Bzz-! Bzz-bz! Sorry, the very thought of such a thing just made me laugh so hard I coughed up a piece of carcas. It'll never happen- and that's why I wouldn't miss this for all the raw sewage in China!
ATTORNEY: Have you ever heard of O.J. Simpson?
POTENTIAL JUROR: Yes.
ATTORNEY: Next!
(NEW CANDIDATE ENTERS)
ATTORNEY: Have you ever heard of O.J. Simpson?
POTENTIAL JUROR #2: Yes.
ATTORNEY: Next!
(NEW CANDIDATE ENTERS)
ATTORNEY: Have you ever heard of O.J. Simpson?
POTENTIAL JUROR #3: Yes.
ATTORNEY: Next!
(NEW CANDIDATE ENTERS)
ATTORNEY: Have you ever heard of O.J. Simpson?
POTENTIAL JUROR #4: Of course! I mean, who hasn't? He's the guy who slaughtered his ex-wife and her boyfriend, got acquitted, flaunted his freedom on the golf course, and wrote the book "Here's How I Woulda Killed 'Em If, In Fact, I Actually Killed 'Em (Which I Did)". And I think he played football, too...
ATTORNEY: (SIGHS) Next!
Bzzzzzzzzzzz... Looks like this is going to get worse before it gets better. That O.J.'s creepier than a maggot nursery. I'd love to watch the whole thing, but as a fly, my lifespan isn't nearly long enough. I say we zip over to the studios of our friends at Fox Sports and listen in on a show featuring Petros Papadakis.
PETROS: Hi, I'm Petros Papadakis! I talk really loud and I sound like a muppet!
Bzzzzzzzzzzz... WOW! Five seconds and I'm already suicidal! Time for a change of scenery. Let's go by USC and watch as a geography professor tries to console a Trojan football player still grieving the loss of teammate Joe Danelo.
PROFESSOR: Now son, I know this was tragic, but I also know how important football is to you. If you don't get yourself out of this funk and improve your grades, you won't be eligible to play. Sometimes messages are delivered in strange ways, and it's not our place to question them. Just look at it as a signal to seize every opportunity in life that comes your way- and that includes making the most out of the scholarship you've been given. You are blessed, and it's times like this when we need to truly appreciate what we have. Do it for Joe!
TROJAN: You're absolutely right, sir, and I know it. It's just hard is all. I haven't been myself since he fell off that cliff in San Pee-dro.
PROFESSOR: San Pedro.
TROJAN: What?
PROFESSOR: San Pedro. It's pronounced "San Pedro". You said San Pee-dro.
TROJAN: I'm not following.
PROFESSOR: Repeat after me. San Pay-dro.
TROJAN: San Pee-dro.
PROFESSOR: Not quite. Try it one more time. San Pay-dro.
TROJAN: San Pee-dro.
PROFESSOR: OK, let's try something different. Who is the New York Mets pitcher in this photograph?
TROJAN: Pedro Martinez.
PROFESSOR: Good! And what does this shirt say?
TROJAN: Vote For Pedro?
PROFESSOR: YES! And where is that cliff again?
TROJAN: San Pee-dro.
PROFESSOR: Aw, it's hopeless! Just get your grades up.
TROJAN: Yes sir!
PROFESSOR: (MUTTERING UNDER HIS BREATH) No one else in the state can pronounce it. Why should he be any different?
Bzzzzzzzzzzz... Well, that was entertaining- in a nauseating sort of way. In fact, the only thing I can think of that's more repugnant than this blog is a giant mound of turds. Which reminds me- it's almost time for dinner! I'm off!
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff