Hello, Joe. Whadya know?

As you probably know by now, this election isn't about you or me, It's allllllll about Joe The Plumber and maybe all the other Joes out there.

Look, my friends, I'm having this Joe problem this morning. After John McCain said "Joe The Plumber" enough times during last night's debate, Barack Obama felt obligated to speak personally through the TV screen to Joe as well.

It got so bad -- 21 times for McCain and 4 more for Obama -- that I started hearing that dreadful Falco tune, Rock Me Amadeus in the back of my harried brain.

Joe the plumber, Joe the plumber

Joe the plumber

Joe the plumber, Joe the plumber

Joe the plumber

Joe the plumber, Joe the plumber

Joe, Joe, Joe the plumber

C'mon, everybody, you all know the words.

Look, in a way, I feel for poor Joe -- although, McCain did congratulate you for being rich last night. One day, you're asking a candidate, whatcha gonna do for me, and the next day, you're telling the Huffington Post how surreal it all is.

Still, all this Joe-centric coverage is making my head hurt. All of the morning talk shows including -- what else -- MSNBC's Morning Joe, had Joe on their minds. I was half expecting the Weather Channel is predict Joe flurries on the Eastern seaboard.

Joe the plumber, Joe the plumber

Joe the plumber

Joe the plumber, Joe the plumber

Joe the plumber

Joe the plumber, Joe the plumber

Joe, Joe, Joe the plumber

Now, I know all about Fat Joe, Trader Joe, GI Joe, Shoeless Joe, Joltin' Joe, Smokin' Joe, Joe Willie and Joe Louis...I'm even wondering if I saw Joe Hill last night.

The only Joe that matters in sports these days is Joe Pa, the venerable Penn State coach. Still, if you think Penn State is looking past hapless Michigan -- especially after the way the Nittany Lions spanked Wisconsin last Saturday -- my friends, you'd be wrong.

"Some people are waiting for the other shoe to fall, and it usually happens against Michigan," said Penn State fan and Pancakes lineman Ben Lerman, a junior biology student from Rochester, Minn. "We just can't beat them for some reason."

Penn State football historian Lou Prato, who has chronicled every Nittany Lions victory (three) and loss (10) against Michigan since their series began in 1993, offered this: "Curse of the Wolverines."

Michigan has won nine straight against the Nittany Lions, including the past four games at Beaver Stadium. Of the six games played at Penn State, the Nittany Lions have come out on top once -- on Nov. 18, 1995, when Penn State defeated U-M, 27-17.

The game was played three days after a snowstorm dumped 18 inches of snow in Happy Valley, nearly paralyzing the area.

"Cold, windy, freezing," Prato recalled. "They got volunteers and prisoners and paid people five bucks to clear the snow from the field."

Better conditions await Saturday: The forecast at kickoff calls for partly cloudy skies, with the temperature in the mid-to-upper 50s.

Despite Michigan's dominance, the games between the schools have been astonishingly close: Eight of 13 have been decided in the fourth quarter or overtime, and defined by one series or play.

Prato recalled the 1993 game, the year Penn State joined the Big Ten:

"The first time we played Michigan ever: It was down here, and people here remember how our fans started getting real loud in the first 5 minutes of the game, and the officials were going to penalize us. Back then, you couldn't holler; it was ridiculous. We needed to be quiet? We called that the Michigan Rule."

In that game, Penn State saw its 10-0 lead disintegrate as the Wolverines took a 14-10 advantage after Derrick Alexander returned a punt 48 yards for a touchdown. Late in the third quarter, and into the fourth, the Nittany Lions had first-and-goal at the Michigan 1 but failed to score on four rushing attempts. The Wolverines won, 21-13.

The past four games between the schools have been decided by 4.25 points on average. A particularly heartbreaking loss for Penn State occurred in 2005 in Ann Arbor.

The Nittany Lions led, 25-21, with less than a minute left when Steve Breaston returned a kickoff to the U-M 47. The Wolverines quickly moved the ball downfield, advancing to the Penn State 10. On fourth down, and with no time left on the clock, Mario Manningham scored on a 10-yard pass from Chad Henne for the 27-25 victory.

It was the Nittany Lions' first -- and only -- loss of the season. They went on to win their last four regular-season games, grab a share of the Big Ten title and defeated Florida State in the Orange Bowl. Their record: 11-1.

"Magic seasons can go up in a wisp of smoke," said Prato, 71, who was news director at Channel 4 in Detroit in the mid-1970s. "And our last two magic seasons went up in a wisp of smoke based on Michigan games. One or two plays can change the game.

In Chicago, the Tribune's Mike Downey has a bigger problem this morning with Rays.

I'm a fan of Rays, as a rule. I like Ray Romano and Ray Lewis and Ray Bradbury and Ray Nitschke and Rachael Ray. I once drove a Sting Ray and went to a fight to see Sugar Ray. I dug that "Ray" movie with Jamie Foxx.

As ballclubs go, though, the Rays represent everything a Cubs fan can't stand:

• • A team that is 10 years old. Ron Santo owns hairpieces that are more than 10 years old. Wrigley Field has rats that are more than 10 years old.
• • A team that in 2007 had an average attendance of 17,148 a night. Wrigley could draw 18,000 for a pie-eating contest.
• • A team with a payroll below $48 million. My friends, the Cubs spent that much on a Japanese pinch-hitter.
• • A team that has won 742 games. While the Cubs have won 10,082.

How many MVPs have the Rays had? None. Batting champs? None. Cy Young Award winners? None. No-hitters? None.

How many uniform numbers have the Rays retired? Two.

One belonged to Wade Boggs, who played there when he was 40 and 41 after playing for other teams from age 24.

The other is Jackie Robinson. A great man, but the most colorful memory of his time in Florida was not being permitted to use a restroom.

Not everybody loves the Cubs the way everybody loved Raymond, but almost nobody loves the Rays.

Meanwhile, Los Angeles is having their own Phil problem, but they're taking it out on their Dodgers.

The improbable Dodgers were impossibly wobbly, impossibly clumsy, impossibly booed.

Exactly 20 years later, something else sailed out over the right-field fence to a chorus of shrieks and stares.

It was the Dodgers' season, knocked into next year by the Philadelphia Phillies, who did everything the Dodgers couldn't.

Like, you know, pitch and catch.

As the Phillies hugged and danced and partied long into the night, Ethier was one of the few Dodgers to return to the field and wave to the fans, but you can't blame the ones who didn't.

They were probably worried for their safety in front of a crowd that spent the long evening lashing out like jilted lovers.

Dodgers fans booed in a way they've rarely booed before, from the leadoff homer by the Phillies' Jimmy Rollins to the final stranded runner by Nomar Garciaparra.

They booed sadly horrible Chad Billingsley, who couldn't survive three innings for the second time in a week, couldn't consistently throw inside again, his two worst performances in his two biggest games, and who knows when he'll recover?

"I tried to do everything I could," he said softly.

They booed the painfully awful Rafael Furcal, who tried to play with a sore neck and paid for it with three errors in one inning that led to two runs that finished them.

"To have this happen on the last game of the year, that is tough," he said, also softly.

They booed the just plain lousy Blake DeWitt, who hit into two double plays and ended the series hitting .077 before he was replaced by Jeff Kent.

Who stranded three runners by striking out twice.

It was like that.

In fact, the only Dodger who didn't get booed last night was a Joe, as in Torre.

In Houston, it's not Joe or Ray or Phil that they're mad at, but rather a guy named Matt.

Chanting for Sage Rose-and-the-ball-fell, who single-handedly gave away a sure Texans victory the last time he was on the field, is akin to saying, "Thank You, sir. May I have another?"

Is there something about the torture that y'all alike?

Have you married the wrong spouse more than once? Do you regularly take a second helping of spoiled milk? How many times did your mama have to tell you not to touch that hot stove before you stopped touching that hot stove?

For a city regarded as soft on sports figures, Houston has been rough on quar-terbacks. Dan Pastorini came in with flair and was quickly cooled down. Warren Moon arrived with fanfare and was almost driven out of town.

It was taken to a new level when David Carr hit town with high expectations and a huge salary, then departed as the most disrespected figure in Houston sports history.

Pastorini and Moon eventually earned fan love before leaving, though much of Pastorini's came after he left. Carr was released, and fans almost threw a parade.
Schaub doesn't throw balls as pretty as those Moon released. He doesn't have the wild style of Pastorini. He's probably not the angel most of you thought Carr was.

Outwardly, he is not a cool customer like The Snake, and he doesn't bring the sweet milkshake breath to the huddle that Giff Nielsen did. With Gary Kubiak holding tightly to the reins, he certainly isn't the gunslinger Jim Kelly was, and he is unlikely to be the quality soccer executive Oliver Luck has become.

Schaub is just the latest Houston pro quarterback on the hot seat. We've roasted almost all the others.

In the end, Schaub might be one of the few we should have liked from the start.

But like all the others save for George Blanda - the first on the block, and a champion to boot - he'll have to work his way up from below the bottom.

Quarterbacks and Houston just don't mix well. 

There are a million Joe stories in the heart of New York City. But Newsday's Shaun Powell would rather discuss a Stephon.

Remember Johnnie Taylor's Cheaper To Keep Her? Powell has much the same sentiments about the New York Knicks and Stephon Marbury.

Marbury has a year left, a year that will not exactly break the Knicks. They're not going anywhere special. They're not bracing for a championship journey. There's no precious and delicate "chemistry" at risk here. If anything, this is a year to throw away, a year that'll serve as a free pass for Walsh and coach Mike D'Antoni, no matter how many games they lose.

Knicks fans know better than to invest emotionally in this season. They're saving their deposit for 2010 and beyond, and if a trade of Marbury were to either postpone or ruin plans for the future, there would be hell to pay. So keep him.

They won't buy him out. Would you write someone a check for $21 million to do nothing? In this economy? No, they should keep him primarily because this is the year to keep someone like Marbury. He's in his walk year. It's in his best interest to play hard when his number is called and shut up when it isn't.

Marbury wants another contract and another chance with another team next season, and while he's been accused of being a weirdo over the last 18 months, he ain't crazy. He knows this season, basically, will be spent auditioning for his next paycheck.

Keep him, and if he does feel compelled to go nuts, the Knicks can suspend him without pay, citing insubordination. That's a win-win for the club, the best scenario possible.

Look, my friends, is this the kind of change we need? TV Guide's Matt Matovich asks the question after Obama's plan to broadcast a 30 minute program on prime time in the week before the election.

A Fox spokesperson confirms for TVGuide.com that the network will push back the start of its World Series Game 6 coverage (if needed) by some 15 minutes, to make room for the half-hour of airtime recently purchased by White House hopeful Sen. Barack Obama.

Last week, Obama purchased 30 minutes of prime time from Fox, CBS and NBC, to deliver a final message to voters on Wednesday, Oct. 29 (starting at 8 pm/ET). Major League Baseball and Fox were to start Game 6 at 8:20, but agreed to hold the ball for a few and accommodate the program (for which Fox is fetching some $1 million in ad revenue).

"We are pleased that Major League Baseball has agreed to delay the first pitch of World Series Game 6 for a few minutes in order for Fox to carry [Obama's] program," Fox Sports says in a statement. "If requested, the network would be willing to make similar time available to Senator McCain's campaign."

Of the Big 3's 8 o'clock programs, only ABC's Pushing Daisies remains unaffected by the half-hour delay. CBS is shuttling Old Christine to 8:30 (bumping Gary Unmarried), while NBC's plans for that gap (where the back end of Knight Rider usually airs) have yet to be announced.

So, hello Joe, whadya know? I'm learning about Joes I didn't even know existed after this All Joe All The Time cable coverage. Apparently, there's a Joe who sings and is a seven-time Grammy nominee -- not that I've ever heard of him.

Okay, Okay, it's all MY fault...for being so clever as to call the Bucks' rookie Joltin' Joe Alexander yesterday.

Look, my friends, it won't happen again. Now, sing along with me.

Joe the plumber, Joe the plumber

Joe the plumber

Joe the plumber, Joe the plumber

Joe the plumber

Joe the plumber, Joe the plumber

Joe, Joe, Joe the plumber