The list of titles for Roger Clemens continues to grow; seven time Cy Young Winner, 300-game winner, 11-time all-star, All-Star game MVP, Perjure, liar, cheater, and now we can add infidel and pedophile to the list. Meanwhile, his lawyer Rusty Hard-on is filing defamation suits like he's a traffic court lawyer fighting tickets for clients. How about us baseball fans file an inflammation suit, does such a case exist? Quit trying to preserve an ego and a reputation that no longer exists; we're tired of it and quite frankly it is agonizing to watch. The only thing missing from this media circus is a cameo appearance by Britney Spears as babysitter/mistress/baby-mama. In all seriousness, somewhere along the line things have gotten out of hand-a wife and children are involved, and unfortunately for them their privacy and comfort is at the mercy of a prideful, selfish man and his terrible lawyer. Fellas, this is a prime example of what happens when we let testosterone levels cloud our decision making. Sometimes honesty really is the best policy, except when you're president of course.

In what will certainly be a major headline, the Clemens camp is set to release a single track that will most certainly reach the top of the billboards. I was lucky enough to get it through an unnamed source and bring you the lyrics. The song is a remake of "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy, and describes their entire legal plan and process. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: THIS IS A JOKE, I WROTE THIS MYSELF, DO NOT SUE ME FOR DEFAMATION AS YOU WILL GET NOTHING, IM POOR, NONE OF THESE THINGS ARE TRUE UNLESS THEY ARE.

Ok, now ENJOY!

(Yo Rusty) Yes

(Open up man) How can I help you, Roger?

(The Senate just caught me) You let them catch you?

(I don't know how I let this happen) Who told?

(That trainer from Toronto, you know) Man

(I don't know what to do) Say, it wasn't you

(Alright)

 

Mitchell searched and they caught me red-handed

Shooting up with H-G-H

Picture this I was crouched butt-naked, and I wasn't putting Preparation H

 

How could I forget that little

Weasel Brian McNamee

All this time he's been saving all the

Needles that he used on me.

 

You gotta call this guy and record the conversation

Then we turn the tables and we sue for defamation

How dare he question all of your muscular inflation

Just say you did it with hard work and dedication.

 

To get away with this you must Ma-nip-u-late

If they say you lie, convince them say you ain't

Never admit to a word that they say

They ask you if you cheated then you tell them NO WAY!

 

There were needles on the counter

(it wasn't me)

They saw me juicing in Toronto

(it wasn't me)

We even did it in the shower

(it wasn't me)

I think they caught me on camera!

(it wasn't me)

 

Saw the marks on my butt cheek

(it wasn't me)

Saw me at Canseco's party

(it wasn't me)

My fastball was getting faster

(it wasn't me)

My balls even shrunk smaller!

(it wasn't me)

 

The New York Daily News caught me red-handed

Cheating with that girl McCready

Picture this she's so young and limber

Man I feel a little creepy.

 

How could I not know that she had only just turned fifteen?

All this time she was laying there she told me she was sixteen.

 

If anybody ask you deny you had sex

Every time you talk you make the case more complex

When they come and ask you questions make it like a reflex

You say 'it wasn't me foo what did you expect?'

 

I know you prob'ly worry 'bout looking like an ass

Denying all the things you know you did in the past

Rog you're a legend, you'll get a free pass

But if they say your guilty boy you better run fast!