By I.M. Notserious
Unassociated Press

WASHINGTON, DC - The NCAA shocked the sports world last week by announcing that not only would a playoff system be instituted for Division 1 college football, but that the system is already in place for this season.

In an unprecedented move, the NCAA collaborated with the self-proclaimed "Czar of Sports," webmaster of Sports in a Can, to broker a deal to satisfy all interested parties: the various conference presidents, the television networks, Notre Dame, Congress, and least of all, sports fans. NCAA officials announced last weekend plans to hire the Czar with the job title "Spokesperson for All Things Related to the BCS."

This announcement came during a Congressional subcommittee hearing that was called to review the current BCS system. The opening statements by the members of the Commerce, Trade, and Consumer Protection subcommittee addressed one of the most important issues facing Congress-the lack of good seats to bowl games for the average Congressman.

As the lengthy opening statements trailed on, the Czar and some NCAA officials were seen fervently discussing matters in the back of the hearing room. Unexpectedly, the Czar approached the table and announced, "We have just finalized the details surrounding a playoff system for college football."

Despite an audible gasp, the Czar continued, "The Bowl Championship Series will finally be just that-a series of championship games. The top 8 teams in the BCS standings will participate in the Bowl Championship Series. Teams will be seeded 1 through 8 according to their final BCS ranking. Opening round games will be played at campus sites on December 15 and 17. I've been in negotiations with the NFL, who have been gracious enough-thanks to a small donation from the NCAA's coffers-to agree to reschedule their December 17 games so that the first round of college games will have optimal television coverage. The losers of these games will move on to non-playoff bowl games, while the winners will advance to the Orange Bowl and the Sugar Bowl."

Though members of the subcommittee tried to interject, the Czar continued, "The Orange and Sugar Bowls will host the second round of this new playoff system on January 3 and 4. The winners of those games will meet in the Rose Bowl-which this year will be the BCS Championship Game-on Sunday, January 29. We chose this date because it is the weekend between the NFL's Conference championship games and the Super Bowl. As you know, television plays a major role in the determining of sports dates and rates. This particular Sunday is-and will be-the perfect time for our BCS Championship Game for this year and for future years."

As the Chairman of the subcommittee tried to restore order to the hearing, NCAA officials brought forward a tripod display. "Perhaps a little graphical representation will assist the members. Please allow me to introduce, for the first time ever, the brackets for a Division 1 playoff system."

"The opening round games, because they will be held at campus sites, will give students and fans one last opportunity to see their teams on the quest for a championship. We have finalized agreements with ABC, CBS, NBC, and ESPN to televise these four games. The chairmen of these four networks were very generous, considering the fact that we are asking them to change their programming last minute like this. For that reason, we are only charging $3 million per network to televise these opening round games. Quite a bargain, if you ask me. The Thursday night game-Texas vs. Georgia-will kick off the Bowl Championship Series. On Saturday, college football fans will be treated to a unique triple-header, on three different networks.

"One of the fears that bowl officials have always had is that a playoff system would harm the current bowl system. But I was able to convince these fine gentlemen that the playoff system could be a great addition to the bowl system. As a matter of fact, we will be adding an additional bowl. The four current BCS bowls-the Rose, Orange, Sugar, and Fiesta-will continue to be part of the annual rotation for hosting the Championship Game, the second round games, and the match-ups between the losers of the opening round games. Additionally, a brand new bowl-the Sports in a Can Oreo Thank God There's Finally a Playoff System Bowl-will be part of this rotation. Here, again, is a visual for you."

Over the din of the crowd, the Czar continued, "Thank you for your time, ladies and gentlemen. We came here today to make this announcement because we knew this would be televised, free of charge. We are trying to save money wherever we can because putting this system in place this year is going to be a bit of a challenge. In future years, the BCS selection show will officially announce the bowl match-ups and prepare everyone for the playoff system. If you have further questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to email us, at bcs@sportsinacan.com." With that, the Czar, the NCAA officials, and their new brackets, walked out of the hearing room.

Amid a media frenzy, the Czar made some final statements on the front steps of the Capitol: "For far too long, the excuses for not having a playoff system for Division 1 football have been tolerated. Too many games, detrimental to the bowl system, too much time away from the classroom for the kids, etc., etc. But none of these excuses hold water, and everyone knows it. Most NCAA sports have some sort of postseason playoff system. As a matter of fact, every level of college football has a playoff system, except for Division 1. The Division 1-AA playoffs include 32 teams. The champion is going to end up playing 15 games this year, while USC and Texas will only play 13."

When asked why the change came this year, when the top two teams in the country are undefeated, the Czar explained, "Just because USC and Texas are undefeated does not necessarily mean they are the two best teams. Neither USC nor Texas played Penn State this season, so normally we'd never know whether or not Penn State is in the same class as those two teams. But with our playoff system, the top 8 ranked teams will get the opportunity to win the championship on the field, where it should be won."

The final question the Czar fielded focused on how he was able to finalize a deal when so many in the past had failed. "Look, this whole thing is about money and power. The NCAA wants both. What these distinguished gentlemen needed to realize is that they can-and will-end up with more of both through this system. The interest-which translates into revenue-that will be generated from this playoff is incredible. I wouldn't be surprised if we were back in a few years talking about an expanded tournament to include even more bowl games. But for now, I'm thrilled to have been a part of this process."

Before heading back to Sports in a Can home office, the Czar said, "And the best part of all of this? The fans win for a change. The fans have wanted this system for so long, and finally it's a reality. Those opening round games will feature some of the best football match-ups a fan could dream up. The Orange and Sugar Bowls will be thrilling. And the 3 week build-up to the Rose Bowl will be spectacular. As a fan myself, I can't wait. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to secure some tickets for a few Congressmen."

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