It's springtime.   NCAA Basketball and the Masters are over.   Hopefully, by June the NBA and NHL playoffs will be complete.

You know wha that means!

ESPN and FOX hire additional staffers, who have always lived in the New England/NY area, to talk about what they will force down the throats of sports fans for the next six months.  Yankees vs. Sox.

Here we go again.  Non stop, till the end of  World Series, it's SportsCenter, leading off with the lastest Jeter/A-Rod love triangle.   The crowd chants Jee-tuh, Jee-tuh, and on the network feed it's Alex crying and asking, "When will I be loved!"

FOXSports will fan the same flames, feeding us drivel about Dice-K and his translator's parallel parking issues.  Tim McCarver will rent a Kia or Hyundai and show us how to parallel park, all the while, talking down to the viewer.

Whatever the MLB network contract limit is for national telecasts of one team, rest assured that the Yankees will max it out, and a way will be found for every Yankees vs. Sox game to be broadcast nationally.

There are twenty something other MLB baseball teams out there, not counting KC; we don't hear about other teams, unless a player is busted for DUI or caught in a Yugo with a transvestite-midget-hooker-wrestler.(Thanks Eddie Murphy.)

The reality is that the majority of baseball fans don't care or are sick of  the Yankees and Red Sox.  Ever heard of over exposure?  Have you listened to an East Coaster complain about the starting time of West Coast games?  It's comical. "Cricket and I had to stay up till 2am to see the Yankees beat Seattle 27-0.  How do those West Coasties stay up so late?  Is it the coffee?  We watched Seinfeld during commercials."

It's humerous when any Red Sox fan mentions the unfairness of the Yankees payroll, which is the highest in the Western Hemisphere.   The Red Sox, historically, have the second highest.  Hey Boston, relocate and force reallignment!

Game on!

Make me pick a team and I'll cheer for Boston, every time, because they're not New York, home of the media and network control.

Calgon take me away!

Arkansas Dissed: Dana Altman, basketball coach of Creighton, backed out of his hiring at Arkansas.

After the introductory  press conference, Altman announced he's returning to Creighton.

This turnaround occurred after Altman told the Hog crowd, "I hope to retire here."  Apparently he didn't like the hotties or the Arkansas lottery payouts.

The official reason:  "It was a family decision."

This is a smoke screen.

My source in the NCAA, Eric Cartman, has told me Creighton University, a fine Jesuit-Catholic Institution, didn't like the thought of Altman leaving and appealed to a higher power.

I checked in with Sister Mary of the Our Lady of the Perpetual Jump Shot and she led me right to the Vatican.

If you were in Rome last night, you saw the light on all night in the Pope's residence.  It is now reported that Pope-a-palooza IX is a big Creighton fan.  His Vatican name is Biggie P and he's rumored to have mad skillz on the Vatican hardwood.

When queried by the Italian media, Pope-a-palooza said,

"I was a Notre Dame fan until they hired Gary Moeller.  I've been a BlueJay ever since, boy-ee!  Besides, have you seen Notre Dame play.  Holy Cross is my backup school.  Hell, I cheer for Rutgers, too.  Big ups for their football and ladies basketball this year!"

Altman will meet with the Pope upon returning to Creighton.

Arkansas will now focus on hiring Pokey Chatman, former LSU womens Basketball coach. 

Frank Broyles said, "By hiring her, we're guaranteed media coverage."

Altman's reversal is a laughing irony for Nebraskans, Creighton's home state.  (Since no one knows where the heck Creighton is.)

Four years ago, a University of Nebraska jet sat on the Fayetville runway, waiting to pick up Houston Nutt and announce the Razorbacks Football coach as the new Husker coach.  Hey Nutt, I bet you wish you made the move now.

We now resume our regular news cast, covering Anna Nicole, 24/7.

Hey Gogo, I forgot this before.
If you're a Chi town lifer, even it's only 14 years, here's the skivy on Chicago from outside Chicago.

Non-Chicago sports fans regard Chicago as the crazy uncle of sports towns.  No overall love or hate of the teams .  We just accept you, since sportswise, Chicago is rarely threatening to our teams.  Jordan and his pushoffs have retired.  The Bears will probably slide south in 2007.   The teams are good enough without sucking like the Islanders or Az Cardinals.  We don't pity you.

Chicago did give us the Blues Brothers and mini-Ditka.  Enough reason to love your town right there.  I'll even add John Candy.  Chicago is the big, friendly dog of towns. 

Everybody loves big, friendly dogs.
(If I said big, fat, friendly guys, someone would have been offended, so there.)

On the other hand, the oversaturated, overrated Cubs are constantly thrust at us like your wingman shoves his recent date's 'nice personality chick friend' on you at bar closing time...and you have no intention of smacking face with her or walking home.  (Hold on I gotta take a breath after that phrase.)

Real men work and can't go to daytime games, so the Cub fans are therefore, hippies,  rich or twelve.  Some are all three, curse them to heck.
The Cubs leave a poodle feeling with their yuppie, bandwagon, 'Cubbies'  name and "Woo hoo, we don't have tickets, so let's stand outside the stadium and get on TV." 

Get jobs, hippies.  Pay some taxes.

Add the positive and negative together and you have..."Ok, I don't like or hate Chicago, they're kind of in the middle, like where they are on the east/west map."

If you're 14 and need an explanation, ask your dad.  Dads are cool, you won't figure that out till you're sh*t ass broke and out of college.

Dad'll gladly explain. 

Ask about the birds and bees now vs. when you knock up Eliziabeth Elaine Szczpanski in high school, after your 'first' time.
Trust me on that.

 
I need a martini...
Better yet, ask Ozzie about this Chicago thing, just be prepared to bring a Spanish/English dictionary when he cusses you out. 

Watch his hands, too.  He's pretty demonstrative.  You might just get smacked.
Check him for a shiv, too.  Got a metal detector?
Last thing.  Don't take Elizabeth Elaine with you when you go to meet Ozzie.
One of those scumbag Sox players will take her away from you. 

Mr. Sajak, I'd like to buy an 'I."

(UPI Wire Services)  Immediately after their hugely popular win over some other low ranked basketball team,  the state of West Virginia announced its secession from the union.

"Citizens have decided to make the move now, due to Congress doing nothing the past year, so no one will notice we're gone anyway.  Yankee aggression caused our actions."  Jed Clampett IV, Governor, former state of  West Virgina

In an open act of defiance, jubilant WVU basketball players wore the NIT Championship shirts, complete with the new, Canadian spelling of the state/province.

Effective last night, the now southernmost province of Canada is spelled:

West Virgina.    Said Jed Clampett IV, "Don't need more than two i's anyway

The third 'i' has been removed, since most in the state spelled it with two i's anyway.

The name is pronounced 'West Vir-gin-eh' in honor of  the Canadian roots, now established.

Mastercard(registered trademark) has signed an endorsement contract to run the province treasury thru 2016.   We sincerely hope they properly guard the $4.37 province budget.

The link below shows the sweet t-shirts.

http://msn.foxsports.com/cbk/story/6627642   

The United States is the Galapagos Island of sports.

Euro Guide to why soccer is not important here.

As we grew as a nation, so did our desire to play  and watch sports.   We created new sports and they evolved in unique nature.  This infuriates some, still.

The seasons dictated the creation of new sports for every season and the male culture said, "booh yah."   The weather has always impacted where the better outdoor teams are located.  The south dominates NCAA baseball.

The result of sports passion was an evolution, far away from the origins of europe and asia.

Basketball was created by a Canadian, Naismith, in America.  The world plays basketball.

Football evolved from rugby and became the national passion.  This is a tough export.

Baseball came along and is nicknamed "the national past time."  This is a passion in many countries of the Americas.  The Japanese pro leagues are fantastic.

Hockey still holds its european origins.  We hijacked plenty of Canadian teams to the southern United States, and a northern U.S. team, too.   Team rosters are filled with Canadians and Euros.   We don't care where the player is from as long as our team wins.

NCAA sports balooned with the growth of the nation and the desire for more sports action.   Many alumni/booster Clubs control university sports hiring and firing.  Even hockey has womens teams now and is an Olympic event. 

Professional Wrestling evolved constantly.  Wrestling 'franchise' owners went before Congress and declared it to be an entertainment industry, not a sport, just to keep the government out.  I'll give you two words why you should watch wrestling:  Torrie Wilson.  A bikini clad girl or hot cheerleader never hurt a sport.

Radio fueled the sports expansion, later replaced by television, which was complemented by the explosion of sports on cable television.

We go to football games and yell at the opponent's fans.

We attend baseball as a kind of social event and talk to those around us.

Basketball fills the blogs every day and the playoffs go on forever.

We have sports for all seasons and something is always on cable.

Add Fantasy(name a sport) and it's 24/7 sports.

Thanks to Fox Sports and ESPN's many channels, we never go without our sports.

I remember Sunday mornings after church.  We watched the regional wrestling matches with names that later became national.  Look at the evolution of wrestling.  It went from small time gyms into a multi-million dollar industry. 

Soccer never had  a chance.  Why? The best athletes chose the other major sports instead.  Add parental pressure to play one of the 'real man' sports as a reason soccer is trailing and doesn't have a strong footprint on the masses.

Fathers and sons bonded discussing sports, listening to baseball on the radio and watching on black and white television.  My dad explained why the Mick was so great, and he didn't understand why I liked Sal Bando.  He accepted me anyway.

Our sports are in our genes and run deep in our blood.

Count the number of sports jerseys you have.  I have NCAA Football, NCAA  Baseball, NHL,  NFL, even FIFA jerseys for Deutschland and Argentina.  Why those soccer jerseys?  Because they look cool, that's why.

Sport is international.  I was stopped in the street of Paris and asked about the Dallas Stars, because of my ballcap.  We talked NHL hockey at a cafe,   Some Germans at Oktoberfest knew who the Huskers were and asked about the Thanksgiving Friday game with Oklahoma.  Still, they also asked if Texas was filled with people like JR Ewing.

People pick and choose which sport they want to love, regardless of  their home continent.  That's not going to change.  The U.S. has created new sports and exported them to the world.  It's time for a couple new sports to be created.  February is a slow sports month compared to the rest of the year.