Occasionally a conference or conference division stinks up the bowl schedule.  This year it was the Big XII's south division.  I'm leaving the Big Ten off the hook, since they now have a blue placard hanging from their rearview mirror.

Let's break down the Big XII bowl season!

Tostito's Fiesta Bowl

Texas -9 vs. Ohio State

The viewers would have been best served if this game went to 847 overtimes and all the players died of old age without bankrupt medicare coverage.  The insipid Ohio State band playing that silly tune, while wearing their Girl Scout berets, made me want to buy cookies from cute little girls. 

This game featured poor coaching that should get peeps fired.  Texas blew their first half by going for it on 4th and 7 on the OSU 42.  This should have resulted in an OSU field goal.  Didn't happen.

Ohio State blew the game by crowding the line in the final 30 seconds, allowing Tejas to score an easy TD.  Fire some people today, sweater vest dude.

Cotton Bowl

Texas Tech -5 vs. Ole' Miss

Blech!  Way to play down to the lowest possible denominator, coach Leach!  Texas Tech is Latin for AHOGA.

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl(I'm sick of jumping whales, which have nothing to do with insurance anyway.)

Okie State -3 vs. Oregon College of Truck Bumper Uniforms

This was a track meet. I went to the closet and pulled out my old Oregon Waffle track shoes.  Yes, they're real shoes.  Oregon won on the back stretch as Okie State blew a hammie on the final turn.  This was a great bowl game for the viewers.

Now, let's salute the real giant killers of the conference, the mighty Big XII North!

Valero Holiday Bowl(I'm a  stockholder)

Missouri -13 vs. Northwestern Wilbon University

This was Chase Daniel's worst game as a baller.  The game went to the final minute and Daniel's lousy play didn't cause a loss, just rejoicing by Northwestern bettors who collected.  All hail the soccer dude kicking field goals.  Hey Chase, think 7th round, if you're lucky.  Better yet, learn to love the CFL.

Insight Bowl(what the heck is an Insight!)

Kansas -10 vs. Minnesota Fight'n Gerbils

Kansas prevailed and covered the spread.  The better team won as most Gerbils players were worrying about the Vikes' Starcaps conspiracy.  This was a good game for three quarters.

Konica Minolta Gator Bowl...best name since the Poulan Weedeater Bowl!  Visualize a gator with a camera or copy machine!

Nebraska +2.5 vs. Clemson's Quarterbackless Tigers

This was a painful game to watch as Clemson showed they subscribed to the Minnesota Vikings theory of "We don't need a stinking quarterback."  Nebraska did all they could to spot the mediocre Tigers a nice lead.  The highlights of this game were the goofy color commentator and correct calls from the replay booth.  The Cornholers came back from mediocrity with strong defense and the best quarterback you've never heard of.  QB Ganz has done more with less than any QB in the Big XII.

Oklahoma, it's up to you to save the honor of the weak Big XII South.

Then again, the Big Ten(Plus Penn State) didn't play for squat this bowl season, either. All hail Iowa!

I now turn it over to Lisa H and the USC Song Girls who will sing I Think I'm Turning Japanese.

After that, we resume the BCS championship game smack talking and made up quotes for two days.

Ok kids, it's the most wonderful time of the year...inspired by Andy Rooney.

The BCS is a mess and the NFL playoff picture is clear as mud.  Welcome to my favorite time in football.

The Heisman Trophy is still up for grabs; all we hear of are players from Top Ten teams.  Find someone else this year, please.  Media pundits name the QB of the most recent big Saturday night game as the front runner.

Tom Brady will play for team XXX in 2009.  What a terrible thing to have two Pro-Bowl caliber Qbs!  Remember how Brady got his current NFL gig.  Franchise tag anyone?  "Gee kid, we're slapping the franchise tag on you and guaranteeing you $14million.  Hope you're not upset."

The NFC North is its usual cauldron of stewed pieces and parts.  No team has stepped up, except for Detroit who took a step back the first game of the season.  Buh-Bye Lions.  Even your Thanksgiving game is a terrible thing to watch.  Put the "L" in the book against the Titans now.

Donovan McNabb will play for the Vikes or whom next year?  His +$10million salary in 2009 probably says he's gone after the past two years of bad team play.  The same happened to Culpepper, yet people cry how McN is being disrespected.  Please disrespect me for that kind of money.

Texas and Oklahoma have the pleasure of waiting for the Big XII Championship Game berth.  If tied, the highest BCS ranked team advances.  After OU's slaughter of TxTech, it's up in the air with the computers making the decision here.  In north Texas, plenty of families are cross-bred with Okies and Texas fans.  That should make for some fun Thanksgiving meals and a few shootings.  Look for the coaches to do their own lobbying.  If OU looks good against Okie State, I bet OU will advance.

T.O. is happy.  How couldn't he be after he played a private track meet gig against the Niners.

In Indianapolis, a 14 year old girl wants to play baseball, yet the Indy high school officials say the rules prohibit her from playing since softball is available.  Let her play.  Then again, any time  boys want to play field hockey or any other sport on the girl's play list, the guys get to play.

Emmitt Smith is beyond painful to listen to from the ESPN booth.  How did he escape college or the great U of F without a basic understanding of the word, 'be.'   "They be, he be, they gots to..."   AHHHHHHH!!!

Lendale White's(TN Titans) internal punk showed during a post-game interview and whining session about carries.  The best part was how he was playing with his earrings during most of the idiotic discussion.  This kept popping into my mind. "Coach treats us like men and lets us wear earrings."   Well, that and did the USC alumni buy the earrings?

Bama and Florida,conqueror of The Citadel, will play for the BCS berth.  Why haven't we been seeing Bama games this year?  Whassupwidtdat?

Notre Dame lost to a team without a head coach.  (Insert joke here.)  Ok, it's not cool to make fun of the footballically challenged teams.

The NBA has had no high profile arrests this season.  This makes me wonder, knowing the past police blotter activity.

Bill Snyder has agreed to come out of retirement to coach the mighty Kansas State f'ball team.  Bill who, you say?  This guy turned around one of the worst football programs, retired and got bored.  Joe Pa told him he'd be bored at 69.  The dude has a stadium and highway named after him and still he can't stay away.  Two words Bill...Las Vegas!

Joe Paterno is going to have hip surgery.  The words "hip" and "Paterno" shouldn't be in the same paragraph, unless it's about surgery.

I just saw Suzy Kolber, of ESPN, on HDTV.  That makeover intervention paid off!  If Joe Namath could only get her alone again.

Mark Mangino, coach of Kansas f'ball, is still wider than my HDTV wide screen!

That's my time.  Lisa H is up next and will sing "Born To Be Alive" with Patrick Hernandez.

It's getting weird out there!  Lies, drugs, arrests...and that's just cheerleaders.

Why sports is tanking in front of the fans:

1-A Cleveland Cavs dancer fell and hurt HIS face during a dance routine and it made national news.  WTF!  More alarming is that Cleveland has dude dancers.  God will send locusts next.

2-Isiah "Zeke" Thomas appears to have accidentally overdosed on sleeping pills; when questioned, Zeke threw his daughter under the bus, stating medical attention at his home was a result of an 'event' at her school.  The school denies any event occurred.  The po-po chief has stated that Zeke is full of shard.  We already knew that, chief.

3-At least EIGHT NFL players have failed drug tests in the most recent round.  It seems that masking agents, known as diuretics / water pills, were used to hide the doping.  Shocking!  NFL players keep getting bigger, so the drugs must still be in 'em.  Look for  bunch of four-game suspensions and terrible news conferences called by sleazy lawyers.  This will impact the playoff hunt. 

4-No NBA players have been arrested this week.  24 hours left, guys! 

5-Michael "dog-killer" Vick is attempting to plead guilty to state dog fighting charges.  Why?  To get an earlier release from jail.  Huh?  Don't the guilty get jail time?  I suppose he wants to use concurrent sentencing and use his Get Out Of Jail Card because he's an ath-a-lete.

6-The Baylor Bears football team is actually good for terrible team.

7-USC vaulted up the BCS rankings, even though they took a beat down from Oregon State, an unranked team.  What about the good unbeaten teams that were ranked lower?  Bueller, Bueller?

8-Someone named Colt is the new media darling for the Heisman.  What kind of parent gives a kid a dog's name?  The Heisman favorite seems to change as the contending teams lose.

9-Fox writer Lisa Horne has not been heard from or seen in several days.  This must mean sports no longer matter or exist.  Then again, she could be in Anaheim, waiting for Los Angeles Angels MLB World Series tickets.

10-The NHL season began and the media doesn't know it.

That's my time.  I'm off for a Tex-Mex dinner.

Enjoy Lisa H and Up With People.

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the starting QB bonds which have connected them with another receiver, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of bloggers requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation from the rest of the division.

(If you don't know the source obtuse paragraph , please don't vote in November.)

Start singing now...

Backup QB Jones, I got Backup QB Jones
Got Backup Jones, oh baby, oo-oo-oo

Yes, I am the victim of a Backup QB Jones
Ever since I was a little baby, I always be throwing behind the receiver
In fac', I was de passer in the whole neighborhood
Then one day, my mama bought me a football
And I loved that football
I took that football with me everywhere I went
That football was like a football to me

I even put that football underneath my pillow
Maybe that's why I can't sleep at night
I need help, ladies and gentlemens
I need someone to stand beside me
I need, I need someone to set a screen for me at the line of life
Someone I can pass to
Someone to hit the open man on the hook and ladder
And not end up in the popcorn machine
So cheerleaders, help me out

{cheerleaders sing repeatedly...}
(football Jones, I got a football Jones)
(I got a football Jones, oh baby, oo-oo-ooo)

{while Tyrone Shoelaces sings/speaks...}
Oh, that sounds so sweet
Sing it out
C'mon Coach Booty, Red Blazer, sing along with me
That be bad, h-onky
Yeah
I want everybody in the whole stadium to stand up and sing with us
Oh yeah, sing it out like you're proud
All right, everybody watchin' coast-to-coast, sing along with us
Tony Romo, sing along with us
Jerry Jones, sing along with us
JokersWild, don't sing nothin'

Oh, it feels so good
Gimme the ball
I'll go down the field, against the world, left-handed
I could force it from the pocket with my toes
I could jump on top of the pocket, take off a quarter, leave fifteen cents change I
could, I could pitch behind my back I got more moves than Ex-Lax I'm bad I could
pass with my tongue Here I go down the field, try to stop me You can't stop me 'cause I
got a football Jones Here I come That's shovel pass with my eyebrow Yeah, I could
dunk it with my nose I'm, I'm bad as King Kong, gimme the ball I'm hot, I'm hot as...,
I'm hot as..., I'm hot as... uh Uh, uh, uh, uh...

Any team losing their starting QB will break the fans' hearts.  Rarely does a backup step in and succeed.  The few that do soon have a hot, model/actress girlfriend who's jumping on the bandwagon and new starter.

Get out your forks, the Cowboys are slow cooking and will be served with a nice brownsugar based barbeque sauce.

Next up, Lisa H and the the USC Song Girls will lead us in "I got a pinkie for sale" to the tune of the Talking Heads - "I got love for sale."