What makes a sports hero?  Well, we could (and will) argue that topic until the next Ice Age...but we probably couldn't come up with a definition that pleases everyone.  I've listened to endless debates on just about every sport, and one thing has become abundantly clear to me...

We only want a certain type of hero...

Thanks to the growing trend in sports media, fans have become more difficult to please than Rosie O'Donnell at a Health Food Restaurant.  The media shapes and molds our opinions for us with faulty information...so we believe what "they" want us to.

If an athlete comes off as smug and conceited, the media has a choice.  They could run with it, and drive us to hate.  Or they could let it slide...if tarnishing a "hero" won't generate enough media attention.

So after listening to all the discussion and debate...I've come up with a couple of job descriptions for us - the demanding fans.

Job Title:  NBA MVP
Reports To:  Basketball Fans, David Stern, and Shoe Company Executives
Qualifications:  
     - College degree preferred, but definitely not required.
     - High School diploma required, but don't sweat it...we'll help.
     - Extreme talent must be displayed for a period of one year, but this may be done at any level...collegiate, high school, or middle school.
Job Responsibilities:
     - Must be able to score at a Paris Hilton-like rate.
     - Should be able to play capable defense, but this may be replaced with other duties when convenient.
     - Must be a marketable entity, ideally...well-behaved enough to stay off the weekly police blotter, but still bad enough to generate fan interest.
    - Must provide the illusion that you are a "good teammate".  If you make negative comments to the media, make sure that you are referring to former teammates or coaches only.
    - Your NBA replica jersey must be among the top 10 sellers in the country.
Physical Requirements:
    - Must be 5-8 feet tall.
    - Must be able to run up and down the court several times a game, or at least loaf faster than the average bear.

Job Title:  MLB Home Run Record Owner (Single-season & All-Time Openings Available)
Reports To:  The Court of Public Opinion, U.S. Congress, and anyone else you can think of
Qualifications:
     - No degree or education required.
     - Ability to attack a fastball like Rosie O'Donnell handles a lunch buffet.
     - If you played during the infamous "Steroid Era", or display the slightest bit of physical strength...you must first pass the media test.
Job Responsibilities:
     - Must project positive attitude towards media and fans at all times.
     - Must sign autographs at any time or place whenever deemed necessary by overzealous fans.
     - Must address media in a positive manner when asked about your pursuit of the home run record before each and every game (162, to be exact).
     - Must have a viable excuse when questioned about illegal performance enhancers.  Your excuse need not be water-tight, or be supported by any actual evidence...as long as the public is willing to buy it.
     - If there is strong evidence of anything that could remotely be considered "cheating" (steroids, corked bat, Flomax, Viagra), you must issue an indirect public apology that places some of the blame on someone else.  Half-hearted apologies will be accepted.
     - Oh, and in addition to all the above responsibilities...you must hit lots and lots of home runs.  Just make sure not to hit them TOO far, or people will think you are using illegal performance enhancers.  But make sure you don't hit them too short either, or people will say that you couldn't get it over the fence without illegal performance enhancers.
Physical Requirements:
     - Not too big, not too small...             

Job Title:  Female Tennis Star
Reports To:  Mainly red-blooded males, but a few others
Qualifications:
     - Hot Body.
     - Marketable Mug.
Job Responsibilities:
     - Show off hot body, and display marketable mug.
     - Excessive grunting and moaning preferred.
     - Racket swinging required...at least for a while.
Physical Requirements:
     - See "Qualifications" section of job description.

Job Title:  NFL Starting Quarterback
Reports To:  Every armchair quarterback in the world
Qualifications:
     - Extraordinary passing ability OR running ability.
     - Ability to spell your name correctly on a Wonderlic Test.
     - Mediocre acting abilities fit for 30-second commercials a huge plus.
     - Ability to impregnate multiple supermodels in a short period of time is preferred, and definitely not frowned upon.
Job Repsonsibilities:
     - Must win at least one Super Bowl.  However, this should be achieved only if the public agrees that you are the reason your team won the championship.  If this is not the case, wait at least one more year and try again.
     - Get in the good graces of John Madden.
     - Must win a Super Bowl quickly enough in your career that fans don't begin to turn on you.
     - Must not win a Super Bowl too quickly, or you will be subject to constant criticism for the remainder of your career.
Physical Requirements:
     - Must be able to withstand a weekly pounding by oversized NFL players, just like Paris Hilton.
     - Heavy lifting is a necessity, as you must provide the illusion that you can carry an entire roster of NFL players on your back for an entire 16 game season.

To apply for any of these positions, simply bring your "A" game to the playing field on a regular basis...and make sure that it's on television.