You haven't lived until you've been through the agony of a garage sale.  This mysterious realm of bargain-hunters is truly unique.  But thank goodness for these cheapskates, they can turn a pile of 80's music and worn out clothes into pure profit.

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of hosting a garage sale.  Somewhere between haggling over an REO Speedwagon cassette and cleaning out a rusty crusty BBQ grill, my mind began to wander.  Why couldn't we have a garage sale for professional sports?

It would be great.  We could get rid of those useless items stinking up the closet, and we might even find a nice bargain or two in the process.

Attention shoppers...let's get this sale started.

Bud Selig 4 Sale - Just Make an Offer

On second thought, let's put him in the "Take for Free" bin.  Someone might be able to use him as a bookend or paperweight.

Metal bats...$2 a piece

$2 is a good garage sale price...an excellent value for the buyer.  Metal bats are just as good as their wooden counterparts, some would argue they are even better.  The only problem with them is that they don't make an enticing sound upon contact.  Any baseball fan will tell you that a crack is better than a ping.  I can't explain it...that's just how it is.

This sale is addition by subtraction...at its finest.  With metal bats out of the way, college baseball will be forced to use wood.  Then, Major League Baseball will have major league competition for fan interest.  This will have 2 colossal benefits for the American public.  1)  Fans will realize that college baseball is filled with talented and exciting players.  2)  MLB will be forced to improve their business, giving baseball fans the quality product they so richly deserve.

Marketing should be easy enough.  Sell them to women in the Middle East, who have no other defense against abusive men.  Nothing crushes an unsuspecting cranium like lightweight aluminum alloy.

"The Whooping Stick"...get it while it's hot!

Terrell Owens

T.O. is the garage sale equivalent of a puke green cashmere sweater - an expensive quality product that performs like no other, but is just too embarrassing to have out in public.  Owens could be one hell of a bargain...for a non-English speaking country.

That cashmere sweater might be missed for a while, until we realize that a $20 cardigan keeps you just as warm.

Purchase Alert - USA buys all hockey rights from Canada

This might sound like a strange purchase, but hockey rights would be incredibly cheap to buy (see NHL financial report).  What would America do with the sport?  Well, probably nothing.  Most likely, hockey would end up at another garage sale.  Maybe some Middle Eastern country like Iraq could purchase it for next to nothing.

Of course, then they will realize that their country is missing one key ingredient for hockey.  Ice...

But like I told the lady that bought my Betamax video cassette recorder.  Sorry, no refunds.

All in all, this is a good deal for everyone.  Canada can get rid of their most dangerous addiction and concentrate on a real sport.  America will be spared of those annoying NHL highlights that plague sports shows.  And Iraq...well, I guess it didn't really work out for them (and the Iraqi men have those metal bats to worry about).  But 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

Adam Jones' Helmet and Uniform

At least someone could be using it in the near future.

Kerry Wood's Pitching Arm

This may be a risk, but it's possible that there is at least one tendon or ligament in there somewhere still intact.  Someone could use it to tie up a garbage bag...provided that the buyer has weekly sanitation service and only needs it to hold up for a few days.

Gary Sheffield's "Everyone is a racist" attitude

Offer a Fox Blogger discount, and this product will move faster than celebrity porn.  Why have one incredibly ridiculous attitude towards racism when you can have two?

Hottest Baseball Fan Alive - Alyssa Milano

Sorry, Alyssa is not for sale.  But Paris Hilton is...and probably has more extensive knowledge, albeit carnal, of pro athletes anyway.

Greg Oden's Tonsils

Somewhat useless, but a nice find for an oddball collector who recently found out that sports cards are worth crap.  "Autographed rookie card?  That's nothing...I have Greg Oden's tonsils.  They don't have his signature, but there is extra mucus and phlegm."

Bud Selig Price Update

Selig is the only item left in the "free" bin.  We'll pay you $10 to take him.  Hell, we'll even load him up for you.

So there you have it...the Garage Sale of the Century.  Maybe the house isn't completely clear of excess garbage, but it's a start.