By now, we all know the details of the NFL draft.  After several weeks of speculation and anticipation, the draft is finally complete...as the newbies begin their NFL journey.

But these teams have other needs as well...those that owners don't like to talk about.  To maintain the well-balanced football environment that we all know and love, the NFL created the "Special Needs Draft".  Here, owners are able to secure those hard-to-get items...which often determine a team's success.

I had hoped to give you live coverage of the Special Needs Draft, but to be honest...the doorman kicked me in the cobblers and beat the hell out of me with my own shoes.  However, the league was nice enough to give me a summary of the day's events...and an ice pack for my marbles.

So here it is, a synopsis of the official 2007 NFL Special Needs Draft:

DRAFT WINNERS

New England Patriots - Eyeing a return to Super Bowl glory, the Pats had a productive draft weekend.  Not only did they add several solid college prospects, but they managed to trade for wide receiver Randy Moss...who gives New England another serious offensive weapon for their arsenal.  But once the draft was over, owner Robert Kraft still wasn't satisfied.

Kraft stated, "We simply have to get Tom Brady more protection."  Holding true to his word, the Patriots selected a case of Trojan Heavy Duty Fresh-N-Fruity Condoms late in the first round.  A very disappointed box of Magnums was escorted to the commissioner's private room.

But the Patriots weren't done.  Immediately after taking the prophylactics, they traded with the Carolina Panthers for the next 1st round pick as well.  Well before the fifteen minutes had expired, the Patriots had selected pop singer Michael Jackson as their new Special Needs Coordinator.

A confused crowd sat in silence as head coach Bill Belichick was questioned about the surprise selection.  He stated that the addition of Michael Jackson was strictly a supplement to Randy Moss.  Belichick went on to say, "if anyone knows how to handle a 10 year old boy...it would be the King of Pop." 

Houston Texans - The wind of change is blowing in Houston, as the Texans try to abolish the stench of last year's NFL Draft debacle.  David Carr is out, and Matt Schaub is in as the deficient franchise attempts to move up in the ranks.  Though they didn't fare too badly in this year's draft, Houston failed to pick an offensive lineman until the 5th round...which does little to address their most glaring weakness.

After running out the clock with the 10th pick in the special needs draft, the Texans' brass finally agreed.  They selected a self-help book titled, Paris Hilton's - Getting Pounded by NFL Linebackers for Dummies.  Pittsburgh Steelers coach Mike Tomlin was visibly shaken just moments after the pick was announced.

Other notable draft winners:

Detroit Lions - 10 pack of receiver-sized mouth muzzles
Green Bay Packers - 1 tube of Frostbutt brand cold weather anti-chafing butt paste
Miami Dolphins - Peyton Manning's jock strap & a Ricky Williams Voodoo Bobblehead Doll  
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Limited Edition DVD of The Replacement Players, starring Keanu Reeves
Seattle Seahawks - One year membership in the Hair Club for Men

DRAFT LOSERS

Philadelphia Eagles - The reigning NFC East champs sent shockwaves through the NFL world when they selected QB Kevin Kolb with an early pick in the 2nd round.  Coach Andy Reid insisted that the unexpected selection had nothing to do with Donovan McNabb, and assured everyone that he was still "our guy".

Proving that they still care about their franchise quarterback, the Eagles selected a Spinal Knife Wound Repair Kit.  Once again, the team denied that the selection had anything to do with McNabb...even though the repair kit only comes in one size - Husky Quarterback.

Atlanta Falcons - One of the more surreal scenes at the NFL Draft was watching Michael Vick cozy up to new commissioner Roger Goodell.  In a draft day interview, Michael Vick sent a message that he would clean up his act...and that fans should expect a "new Michael Vick".  Hell, the guy even said he would go golfing and fishing to stay out of trouble.

But Atlanta owner Arthur Blank really dropped the ball with the special needs selection...drafting country music legend Willie Nelson as the newest Mental Health Coordinator.

Other notable draft losers:

Chicago Bears - Another self-help guide, Effective Spending by George W. Bush
Cincinnati Bengals - Two cartons of cigarettes, a nail file, and 24 team embroidered orange jumpsuits with the words "Do Not Enter" stitched on the fanny  
Minnesota Vikings - Complete DVD series of Girls Gone Wild (not sure what that was all about)
Dallas Cowboys - Adam Sandler, because Jerry Jones thought he displayed solid leadership skills in The Longest Yard
Cleveland Browns - Season pass to the Kitty Twister night club

So there you have it...what does your team need?