Here are a few quotes heard around the Spring Training camps as Opening Day approaches.  For the second straight year, I was lucky enough to hear some of the major leaguers spouting off about the upcoming season.  OK, maybe I didn't actually hear any of these.  They could have said these things...but of course, they probably didn't.

But fiction can be fun - here we go!

Chattin' by the Cactus
Bartolo "I don't normally shower, so I wear a lot of" Colon (SP, Angels):  "Holy cow, am I fat!  Maybe the David Wells Guide to Training video was a bad idea."
John "I don't even make enough money to afford a" Lackey (SP, Angels):  "Bartolo looks hungry, sweet mercy I hope he doesn't eat me."

Robby "I'll just be snoozing on the" Hammock (C, D-Backs):  "But it's a dry heat." 
Eric "when I pee, it sure does" Byrnes (OF, D-Backs):  "What the hell is a dry heat?"

Jermaine "A-Rod is so dreamy, I could just" Dye (OF, White Sox):  "A-Rod doesn't play here in the Cactus League?  Crap!"

Gil "how did my career end up in such a" Meche (SP, Royals):  "They didn't tell me that I had to earn this $55 million.  Are they crazy?  Haven't they seen me pitch before?  Oh well, more hookers and crack rocks for me." 
David "throwing my fastball sure is" Riske (RP, Royals):  "Great googily moogily, if I can't stand out with this bunch of Royal retards...then I better start looking for another job."

Dave "why in the hell did I vote for" Bush (SP, Brewers):  "I wish we played in Arizona all year...I can't stand the smell of cheese."
Matt "pursuing another career would have been" Wise (RP, Brewers):  "I can't wait to get back to Milwaukee...I love the smell of cheese in the morning."

Steve "career is definitely on the D" Kline (RP, Giants):  "I told you reporters for the last time, I don't know what Barry Bonds keeps in his locker."
Randy "the goodies in Mark Sweeney's locker will help you" Winn (OF, Giants):  (singing softly) - "Some times I dream, that he is me...like Barry, if I could be like Barry."

Gabbin' by the Grapefruit
Hayden "I'm never going to make it out of the bull" Penn (SP, Orioles):  "Hey, can someone keep an eye out for Kris while I go give Anna Benson the high hard one?"
Paul "can I borrow some of your chewing 2" Bako (C, Orioles):  "Sorry, Hayden...she's on the disabled list nursing a wrist injury."

Josh "my rookie card is now worth 2 cents according to" Beckett (SP, Red Sox):  "Maybe if I fake an injury, these Beantown fans will quit pissing in my new convertible."
Wily "won't play no" Mo Pena (OF, Red Sox):  "Ha, ha!  I wonder who this convertible belongs to.  Loser..."

Miguel "my favorite kind of syrup is" Cairo (2B, Yankees):  "I can't wait for A-Rod to get out of here.  And why did he demand that they put full-length mirrors in the showers?"
Andy "when I'm alone in the bullpen, I like to" Pettitte (SP, Yankees):  "Hey coach, is it time to hit the showers yet?"

Roy "every couple of weeks, my arm needs to take a" Halladay (SP, Blue Jays):  "I hope nobody notices that I gained 30 pounds in the off-season from drinking Molson and eating jelly doughnuts."

Grady "I hope these pills will increase my" Sizemore (OF, Indians):  "Let's see, it says side effects include - dizziness, temporary blindness, swelling in the groin area, abnormal ejaculation, insomnia, anal leakage, and increased obsession for Justin Timberlake videos.  So what's the down side?"
Josh "the smoggy air in Cleveland makes me want to" Barfield (2B, Indians):  "Why is Grady looking at me that way?"

Carlos "I like gold chains better than" Silva (SP, Twins):  "Johan, Johan...yes, I know he's good...but what about me?  Don't let the near 6.00 ERA fool ya, I'm primetime baby!"
Lew "just bought a house I can't a" Ford (OF, Twins):  "I wish that Torii would just leave already.  Man, I hate that son of a...oh, uh...hey, Torii.  How's it going?  You're doing a great job out there.  You da man!"
Torii "cried after watching the Deer" Hunter (OF, Twins):  "Man, I can't wait to get out of here."

Tim "when I pitch in New York, they hit my fastball in the" Hudson (SP, Braves):  "Hey, Chipper...is there any room left in the hot tub?  What?!  Hampton has been in there for over an hour!  This is getting ridiculous..."

Josh "a horny pig is always looking for a" Willingham (C/OF, Marlins):  "What's a guy gotta do to get paid?"
Dan "if I don't get a better contract, things could get" Uggla (2B, Marlins):  "What's a guy gotta do to get paid?"
Matt "maybe I should hire a BALCO" Treanor (C, Marlins):  "You mean they are going to pay me to play?"

David "Minaya still can't get it" Wright (3B, Mets):  "How many home runs do I have to hit in order to score Derek Jeter-caliber of women?"
Shawn "my shoddy production makes the fan's faces turn" Green (OF, Mets):  "What do you mean there is no more room on the DL?  That's how I make my living!"

Adam "the waitress took my plate before I was done" Eaton (SP, Phillies):  "Sure, I'll go to the bullpen and be happy.  Nope, don't mind being snubbed in favor of Jon Lieber.  Nope, not one bit."
Jon "No way in hell I'll make it as a middle re-" Lieber (SP, Phillies):  "Eh, the bullpen won't be so bad.  I hear they keep the mini-fridge stocked with Hot Pockets.  Mmmm, Hot Pockets..."

Adam "can't wait until my time in Cincy is" Dunn (OF/1B, Reds):  "Playoffs?  Don't talk about...playoffs?  Playoffs?"

Brad "doesn't that just make you want to jump off a" Lidge (RP, Astros):  "I like the funny sound the choo-choo train makes after a home run."
Jason "career isn't exactly in the fast" Lane (OF, Astros):  "Choo choo!  Choo Choo!"

Paul "need a better contract to pay for" Maholm (SP, Pirates):  "Ha, ha, ha, ha...Zach Duke is our opening day starter?  Ha, ha, ha..."

Derek "self-esteem has hit an all-time" Lowe (SP, Dodgers):  "How Lowe can you go, baby...how Lowe can you go?  How Lowe can you...oh, uh...excuse me.  No, I wasn't singing in the shower.  Must have been that bird outside or something.  I'll be out in a minute."