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    I want my baby-back baby-back baby-back.....ribs

    Friday, September 7, 2007, 09:32 AM EST [General]

    Not sure how many of you really care, but I thought I'd share some pics of my newborn baby girl.

    Fyona Pynk F*****

    09-06-07

    5:51 a.m.

    6 pounds 2 ounces

    18.25 inches long

    BABY!     BABY!

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    Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three.

    Friday, June 15, 2007, 06:11 AM EST [General]

    Hi-diddly-ho bloggerino's!  The idea for this post came from discussions on the DIME blog.  So enjoy!

    These NBA playoffs have led to allot of dumb statements by the average sports fan.  And this really isn't news.  Before I give my opinion of the average sports fan, let me give a little disclaimer.  When I say "the average sports fan", I'm talking about people that only watch just because there's nothing else on.  Or people that flip on ESPN for a few minutes and think they know it all.  So I am not referring to anyone on this site.  Anyone who chats on-line with total strangers about the sport(s) they care about, is way above average.  That being said, I feel comfortable with my next statement.  In my opinion, the average sports fan is, to put it gently, below average.  If you get my drift.  You'll see what I mean in a few moments.  Like I said, 5 minutes of SportsCenter does not make you an expert on all things sport.  But, that doesn't stop the average fan from bickering with those passionate about the topic at hand and offering up pure non-sense as fact.  Which brings me to the premise of this post.

     

                We are going to have a discussion between Stan "The Average" Sports Fan* and three NBA experts from right here in the Fox blogosphere.  Well, two experts and me, Shifty450**.  The two experts I have enlisted the help of are Hoffman and quikdrummer***.  So...Here we go.

    Stan "The Average" Sports Fan says: Cleveland sucks.  They didn't deserve to be in The Finals.

    Hoffman says: The Cavs doesn't "suck".  They just had no business being in the Finals.  But that's the problem with the playoff structure as presently constituted. On the other hand, the Spurs are just that damn good.

    quikdrummer says: The Cavs did deserve to be there.  They're a good team.  They beat a team in the Pistons that was an Eastern Conference finalist for the past 5 years.  It's the Spurs that shouldn't be there.  Stay the hell away from Pheonix, Mr. Stern.

    Shifty450 says: Can't talk.  Eating.

    Stan "The Average" Sports Fan says: Whatever.  Lebron's overrated.  He's got no killer instinct and refuses to work on his D.

     

    Hoffman says: Have you watched any of the playoffs?  Even I, a Laker fan, have said that Lebron was having a great postseason.  He's having a little trouble with the Spurs, but so does everyone else.  That, and he's stepped up his D immensely since coming into the league.

     

    quikdrummer says: He's no Steve Nash.

     

    Shifty450 says: Still eating.

     

    Stan "The Average" Sports Fan says: The Pistons are still the best team in the East.

     

    Hoffman says: Their meltdown against Cleveland says otherwise.  The Pistons are done.

     

    quikdrummer says: Even before the Pistons got to the ECF, they really let the Bulls back into their semi-finals series.  It wasn't looking good.  And without any changes to their roster, things aren't going to get much better.

     

    Hoffman says: The same can be said for Pheonix.

     

    quikdrummer says: How can you say that, Hoffman?  They have Boris Diaw.  They'll be fine.

     

    Shifty450 says: Mmm...Donuts.  Okay, what are we talking about?

     

    Stan "The Average" Sports Fan says: With a healthy Wade, the Heat would have been in the finals.

     

    Heat24 says: Did I hear something about Dwyane Wade?  Heat in '08!

     

    Hoffman says: Maybe.  But I doubt it.  They weren't playing that great when he was healthy early in the season.  Sub .500 basketball doesn't equal championship success.

     

    quikdrummer says: Don't hate, Hoffman.  I'll take it from here.  Stan, their chances would have been infinitely better.  They probably would have taken Chicago.  Shaq vs. Webber down low against Detroit would have been a massacre.  And a Cavs-Heat ECF would have drawn the interest of the entire country.  But they still would have had to face the Suns.  IF IT WASN'T FOR THAT DAMN DAVID STERN!  Then they would've lost, of course.

     

    Shify450 says: And if I was a little taller, I'd be a baller.  Wade wasn't healthy.  They got taken to school by a hungry Bulls team.  So I am not even going to speculate.  Besides, I thought I was only here for comic relief.

     

    Stan "The Average" Sports Fan says: Why is the Suns mascot a Gorilla?

     

    Hoffman: Good question.  quikdrummer?

     

    quikdrummer: DUH!  It's because Gorillas are native to Africa which is a very sunny country.

     

    Shifty450 says: Africa's a continent.

     

    quikdrummer says: Who made you the geology police?

     

    Shifty450 says: You mean "geography"?

     

    quikdrummer says: Next question please, Stan.

     

    Stan "The Average" Sports Fan says: When's Tim Duncan going to retire?

     

    Hoffman: Surely you jest.

     

    Stan "The Average" Sports Fan says: Don't call me Shirley!

     

    quikdrummer says: Not soon enough.

     

    Shifty450 says: I just wish Tim Duncan would stop hugging the ball.

     

    Stan "The Average" Sports Fan says: The officiating has been pretty good this postseason compared to last.

     

    Hoffman says: Hold up.  Let's not get carried away.  It hasn't been bad.  It's generally been fair.

     

    quikdrummer says: I'd agree except for the PHX-SAS series.

     

    Shifty450: Two words.  More cowbell.

     

    Stan "The Average" Sports Fan says:  One last question.  How much would COULD a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck COULD chuck wood?

     

    Hoffman says: Why does this last question not surprise me?  I'm out of here.

     

    quikdrummer says: A little less than a suspended Amare Stoudemire.

     

    Shifty450 says: Mmm...wood chuck steak.  Aaahhhhh...

     

    Stan "The Average" Sports Fan says: Come back!  I need closure!

     

    * Stan is an entirely fictional name.  I just picked this name because it rhymes with fan.  If there is a real Stan Sports Fan out there somewhere, please don't sue.

     

     ** Shifty450 has no useful knowledge whatsoever.  If you take anything he says seriously, you're more helpless than Stan.

     

     *** Hoffman and quikdrummer did not contribute to this post.  They were asked for their opinions, but their opinions were kept away from the final post for the purpose of maintaining the comedic nature with which it was intended.  So please, Hoffman and quikdrummer, don't sue.

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    I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

    Friday, June 8, 2007, 07:36 AM EST [General]

         First, I'd like to thank you all for the overwhelming responses of support and encouragement from last week's blog.  I'll continue to write blogs on that topic, as this will be a long, difficult battle for me.  And odd as it may sound, the support of you all means allot to me.  But, I don't want to make it a weekly topic.  I want to keep things fresh.  Maybe I'll even get invited onto Blog Talk Radio!  Wouldn't that be something?  So this week, I'll just let you know that listening to numerous suggestions from last week and implementing them into my daily life, I lost 1 pound!  It's not much, but I need to start somewhere! 

     

           Now, let's move on to the topic of this week.  Things that piss me off!  There's allot!  SO PAY ATTENTION! 

     

    1. Really fat people that drive little tiny cars.  Now, before you call me a jerk, let me explain.  I'm fat.  So, like black people can call each other the "N word", I, as a fat man, can freely call other people fat.  So fat people, get a car you can fit comfortably in.  If the car leans when you sit in it, it's too small.  Maybe NASCAR should hire fat drivers!  Get better traction on the left side for the oval tracks.  What do you think, Cindi?

       

    2. Architects and Interior Designers.  There's a theory, apparently, that these jack-asses prescribe to.  If it looks crappy, it's trendy, and therefore a good idea.  WRONG!  IT DOESN'T WORK!  I design fire sprinkler systems.  And when I have to fit all my valves, fittings, sprinklers, etc. into your goofy little design or make it look pretty, it makes my life HELL!  It's harder to do, and therefore takes more time.  And sometimes this results in a monetary loss for the project.  Just because you think it looks cool, doesn't make it so.

       

    3. T-Mobile.  They're just awful.  If I EVER see Catherine Zeta-Jones in the street, I'm gonna kick her husband square in the mommy-daddy button!  You lying tramp!  I'd love to hit her, but I would never hit a woman.  Wade and Chuck are lucky I find their commercials funny.  Except the "sexy" one.  That's just weird.

       

    4. Customer Support centers.  If English is your second language, you should NOT be working in Customer service.  You should drive a cab or own a convenience store.

       

    5. Parents that think they're clever by giving their kids stupid, excuse me, "unique" names.  I blame the celebrities for this trend.  Listen here all you hippies, just because you try to live like a celebrity by maxing out your credit cards and getting up to your eyeballs in debt, doesn't make you a celebrity!  Give your kids a normal damn name!  There's a reason no one else has the same name as your kid.  BECAUSE IT'S STUPID!

       

    6. Stubborn people.  The kind of stubborn people that refuse to listen to facts and stats that disprove their thoughts.  The kind of people that prescribe to Homer Simpson's line of thinking.  "Facts are meaningless.  You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true."  Now I love Homer.  I live my life by Simpson's episodes.  But even I can admit when I'm wrong.  Which, oddly enough, happens allot.

       

    7. High school aged kids.  They're just idiots.  I just wanna punch them all in the face.

       

    8. These people that set their hats on top of their heads crooked.  A hat is supposed to go around and over your head.   Not on top of it where a slight breeze can knock it off.

       

    9. People that where sunglasses indoors and at night.  Now, I know some people have sensitive eyes and they have to wear shades all the time.  I don't have any problem with that.  I'm talking about these people that think they're cool and need to have sunglasses permanently affixed to their faces.  Again, I blame celebrities for this trend.

       

    10. The people that ALWAYS have their hands-free cell phone accessory in their ear.  Even when they're not on the phone.  I prescribe to the George Carlin line of thinking on this matter.  I say, "Hey spaceman.  Since your hands are free, why don't you reach over here and juggle my balls."  My boss is one of these people.  He's the only man alive that can pull it off.

       

    11. These hippy PETA lunatics.  Hey, jackass, how do you think that burger got on your plate?  You think there's KFC, McDonald's, and Steak farms all over the place growing this stuff?  An animal probably died or sacrificed a bodily excretion (milk you sick-o's) to fill your belly.  So shut up!

       

    12. Parents that count to 3 before making their kid stop doing something wrong.  Go grab the little bastard, take him or her into the bathroom, and give them what-for.  In my opinion, counting to 3 is like telling them, "It's okay to do something wrong as long as you don't do it for any longer than 3 seconds."  I just completely disagree with this trend.  Thank you Dr. Spock.

       

    13. These sissy "rock" bands like Nickelback, Hinder, etc.  If your music is being played on the local pop station, you're not a rock band.  And you should be forbidden to refer to yourself as such.

       

    14. These idiots in big cities, specifically that I've seen in Baltimore and New York, riding dirt bikes and 4-wheelers on city streets.  Riding wheelies, not wearing helmets, weaving in and out of traffic, and not obeying traffic laws.  As someone who's been riding dirt bikes for 11 years now, this really makes me livid.  There are riders all over the world that obey the laws and restrictions placed on where you can ride these machines.  And most all the riders I've met are genuinely terrific people.  Do you hear about them?  No!  All you hear about are these inner-city idiots bringing a bad name to an already ill-received sport.  If I ever am driving and see one of these clowns racing up next to me, I think my door may "accidentally" pop open in front of them.  If you don't believe me that this is happening, do a search on youtube for "dirt bike concerns".

     

    You're probably thinking, "Man, this guy must have major anger management issues."  I'm actually a real easy going person.  Sure I get pissed.  But do I do anything about it?  No.  I just complain about it later.

     

    I'm sure I'm forgetting something, but these are the things that come readily to mind.  I'm not asking for your opinions on these items.  If you don't agree, I'm not sure I really care.  What I wanna hear from you all, is what really gets your goat?  If you wanna be a smart-alec and say something like, "People that write blogs about what pisses them off."  Go nuts.  I don't delete any comments.  Thanks for reading.  And I'll catch you on the flip side.

     

     

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    Can you make me thin again?

    Friday, June 1, 2007, 06:58 AM EST [General]

                Well, folks.  I know it's been a while but I think I can come back strong with some quality writing and some serious topics.  As most of you know, I have what people call, a little bit of a weight problem.  It's something I've been struggling with since I was 15, and actually started to care about what I look like.  That's 8 years ago for your information.  Since then I've been as low as 152 lbs. and as high as, measured anyway, 283 lbs.  At 6'-2" tall, that's just unacceptable.  About 2
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