NHL NOTES

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman made it clear before the playoffs began this year that he expected officials to call the games as they had throughout the regular season. Penalties committed in the playoffs will be called penalties, as opposed to playoffs past where referees allowed players to play the game without the fear of being sent to the box for borderline infractions.  In sudden-death playoff overtimes prior to this year, the "no funeral no foul rule" was in place.  This change in NHL philosophy was designed, in part, to mirror the games played in the regular season and help the top seeds advance through the playoffs. Traditionally, top seeds have had difficulty with the lower seeds in the playoffs and this was due in part to the lack of referee involvement. This is why the NHL playoffs are unique to the world of professional sports. It remains the one sport with a best-of-7 format where lower seeds have traditionally advanced deep into the playoffs. 

The playoffs thus far have been true to form with the exception of the Dallas-Colorado series and the Detroit-Edmonton series.  Dallas and Detroit were the two best teams in the West, but both teams have been eliminated.  Detroit is "Hockey Town" and Dallas, with one Stanley Cup championship team, is still relatively new to the league.  I'm still not convinced that hockey in Texas is a great idea, but it appears that the Stars aren't going anywhere soon.

Texas is about humidity and football, rodeos and football, Hemis and football, Stetsons and football, cowboy boots and football, football and, well, football.  Texas locals say you can go to any Dairy Queen in the state and stand in line with 5 Division 1 football prospects.  It is a society devoted to football.  While watching games 1, 2 and 5 of the Dallas-Colorado playoff series, I noticed on several occasions during the game that the fans in Dallas cheered at inappropriate times.  I realized that the fans in Dallas need a primer to study in the off-season to help them better understand the game and I'm here to offer up a cheat sheet:

1.                  First Line Unit - In hockey, this is a team's best group of players.  It does not mean that your wife just won front-row tickets to a monster truck show.

2.                  Kick Save - This is when the goalie uses his pads to "kick" the puck away from his goal.  It does not mean that a bunch of guys found an illegal immigrant and kicked his butt all the way back to Mexico to save American jobs.

3.                  Perfect Line Execution - This is when a team changes its "lines" or group of players with other players on the ice as the game is in progress without giving up a goal or being penalized for having too many men on the ice.  It does not mean lining up convicted death-row prisoners and giving them lethal injections at 20 minute intervals.

4.                  Glove Save - This is when the goalie catches the puck in his glove preventing a goal.  It is not the slang term for what a diaphragm does to prevent a pregnancy.

5.                  Stanley Cup - This is the trophy awarded to the team that wins the championship in the NHL.  It is not a cup made by the Stanley Tool Company that Texans wear around their necks to catch the drool that runs off their chins while changing the television remote.

6.                  The Original Six - This is the name given to the NHL's original six league members.  It does not refer to Billy The Kid, Sam Houston, Butch Cassidy, Davey Crockett, Wyatt Earp and Daniel Boone.

7.                  Canuck - Is a slang term for a Canadian, and not the name of the guy who parks your car at a fancy restaurant. That person is called a valet.

8.                  The Mighty Ducks - This is an NHL franchise located in Anaheim, California, and is not a cinematic revelation of great purpose and importance in the same vein as Citizen Kane.

9.                  Shutout - This is the term given to a team that does not allow its opponent to score during a game.  It is not the term all Texans use to describe their college application results.

10.              Toronto - This is a city in Canada and home to the Maple Leafs, it is not the name of Tonto's younger brother who died due to complications associated with alcoholism.

11.              Expansion - This is the term used to describe a team that is new to the league.  It is not what happens to the sphincter muscle after eating too many bowls of chili.

12.              Face-Off - This is the method of starting play in hockey by the dropping of the puck by the official between the sticks of two opposing players standing one stick length apart with stick blades flat on the ice.  It is not the method your wife or girlfriend uses to remove several pounds of makeup from her face before going to bed at night.

13.              Hooking - This is a penalty occurring when a player attempts to impede the progress of another player by hooking any part of the opponent's body with the blade of his stick.  It is not sending your wife out to walk the streets for money as an income supplement, or a way to purchase NASCAR tickets.

14.              Sniper - This is a hockey term reserved for superb goal scorers. It is not the term used for Texas' most famous sniper, Charles Whitman, who gunned down several UT coeds from the school's bell tower.

15.              Vancouver - A city in Canada and home to the Canucks (See Canuck above), and not the term given to a Dutch prostitute's money maker (prostitution is legal in Amsterdam).

16.              Mucking and Grinding - The term used for a team's hardworking, less talented players.  This isn't what Texan men do with their wives in bed after having a few too many drinks.

17.              Cross-Checking - This is a penalty given to a player when he holds his stick in both hands and drives the shaft into an opponent.  It is not a term for Czechlosvakian transvestites.

18.              Spearing - Occurs when a player illegally jabs, or even just attempts to jab, the point of his stick blade into another player's body.  It is not what citizens of poverty-stricken, Third World countries do to get their dinner.

19.              Zamboni - A machine used to prepare the ice surface between periods, and is not a fancy dish served up at the Olive Garden.

20.              Lighting the Lamp - Term used to describe what a great goal scorer does, and not what the bug-zapper hanging from the back porch does to mosquitoes.

21.              Fore-Checking - Means to check or harass an opponent who has the puck in the defensive zone to and keep the opponents in their end of the rink while trying to gain control of the puck.  It isn't looking for an Adams-Apple before going home with a woman picked up at a bar.   

22.              Boarding - In hockey, this is an infraction occurring when a player uses any method to throw an opponent violently into the boards.  It is also what Texans do to get on the Greyhound when they go on family vacations.

23.              Assist - Is a pass or passes which lead to a score.  It is not the term used when your buddy drops some Roofies into a woman's drink to help you score.

24.              Top Shelf - A goal scored by going high into the net, and not where Texans place their GED certificates.

25.              Two-Line Pass - An infraction characterized by passing the puck to a teammate over two lines, and not trying to pick up a woman across the room while line dancing.

26.              Norway - This is a Scandinavian country that sends its best hockey players to the NHL.  It is not a pyramid scheme modeled after Amway.

27.              Pad Save - A save made by the goalie by using his pads.  It is not the Texan woman practice of saving her tampon after every third period.

28.              Backcheck - Is an attempt by a player, on his way back to his defensive zone, to regain the puck from the opposition by checking or harassing an opponent who has the puck, and is not what you do when you see yourself a fine looking woman and check out her hind-end. 

29.              Crease - Is a semi-circular area with a 6-foot radius in front of the opening of the goal, and is not a roll of fat in the mid-section that you can use to store candy and other assorted sugary foods.

30.              Defensive Zone - This is the zone or area nearest a team's goal, and is not the "invisible force field" Texan men put up like a superhero when their significant others ask them to share their feelings.

31.              Delayed Penalty - Is a penalty against a team that has only 4 players on the ice, assessed only when one of its players gets out of the penalty box and is not waiting for the sentencing portion of your trial.

32.              Double Minor - Is a type of minor penalty given for certain accidental infractions that result in an injury to another player or for certain deliberate attempts to injure an opponent that are unsuccessful; penalty time of 4 minutes is served, double the time of a normal minor penalty, and it is not a M