Ray Manzarek lives in an Omaha suburb working part-time as the organ player at the Skate World roller rink.Manzarek, of course, is old school and is trying to come to grips with the in-line skaters who dominate the rink.
"Whatever happened to the 4-wheel roller skates, man?" he asks no one in particular, stubbing out another cigarette, announcing a reverse skate into the microphone and starts playing, I've got a Brand New Pair of Roller Skates (You've Got a Brand New Key).
A kid, maybe 7 or 8 years of age, skates over and tells Ray, "You suck, mister."
Frantically, Ray slams the keys of his organ like he did at the Fillmore East in 1969, stops suddenly and says to the kid, "I was with The Doors. I don't suck."
The Manager, overhearing the last bit of the exchange says, "Ray, knock it off, will you?"
Ray knocks it off.This would never be happening had Jim lived longer.Jim Morrison promised revolution, but delivered only an early death.
"The kids don't get it.None of them get it.Our society has bred two successive generations of complete ignorance.The Doors are timeless.We wrote Moonlight Drive and People Are Strange and The End, for Christ sake...those compositions are timeless, like the philosophy of Nietzsche and the poetry of Rimbaud. We changed the world.We were, and this is truth not ego, we were Gods."
Manzarek landed this job after various attempts at Doors revivals proved commercially unsuccessful.With little more than a continuing desire to fuel his organ art, Manzarek traveled the country looking for gigs, finally ending up at this suburban Omaha rink.
"I still have trouble with authority, man.Nobody will alter or change or dissuade my art, man.Nobody can move me away from my raison d' etre.Now it's all about Britney Spears and 50 Cent and Clay Aiken and people like that.But, I told management when I started here there are a lot of Doors fans out there, even 10-year olds love us once they understand us.I play a lot of Doors, a lot of Big Brother and the Holding Company and Jefferson Airplane in my sets. Jim said, 'Once you make peace with authority, you become authority.' I'll never accept total authority, man. Not now, not ever, you know. At first when I got here and started this gig, man, The Man hassled me, but like all true artists they're coming to accept my genius."
Assistant Manager, Chuck Tracy, said Ray was on the verge of being let go by management until he noticed the owner's daughter choking on a chicken bone in the rink's eating area.Ray - a devout follower of Zen Buddhism, the Maharashi, and Shamanism, also has his life-saving badge and first-aid certification earned at a Los Angeles YMCA - saved the owner's daughter with the Heimlich Maneuver.
"The owner is always saying, like, 'My daughter is the apple of my eye'...more like the apple pie with a double scoop of ice-cream with a chocolate shake of his eye. She's big, dude. Are you going to print my name? Ray was gone until he saved her life.The kids are sick of hearing Doors songs.It's really bad.I mean it's no different than making the kids study for and take a test about the Pilgrims.This is supposed to be fun."
Ray views his current job as a test of his resolve and as suffering for his art, 30 years removed from his success with The Doors.
"What I really want is to find someone to replace Jim as a lead vocalist, man, that is my ultimate goal. I'm applying with various NHL and NBA and MLB teams to play the organ at their games.I could be good with the Sabres, or the Suns, or the Dodgers or any of those teams. The Lakers, man, that would be ideal. I'd be back in the city where it all began for Jim and me. Kobe Bryant, I'm sure he gets it. Can you imagine?What a more fitting tune than Light My Fire, to get a team fired up. People are always saying that The Doors were done after Jim died, but that's not true, man. All of us, me, Robbie and John...we're all out there perfecting our art."
After two more songs - Break on Through and LA Woman (which Ray also sings) - it will be time for him to clean the urinals.
The car is a 1988 Volvo and my wife recently went from suggesting I sell it to demanding I do so.
My neighbor, an eccentric and eclectic man, who raises pigeons in his backyard and yet hunts pheasants and dove and quail and turkeys and other assorted birds, does not disagree with my wife.
"You think I should sell it?"I asked him one afternoon as he was spray-painting his truck's gun rack in his driveway.
"Yes," he said. "You should sell it."
He has a bumper sticker on his truck reading:"Fear the government that fears guns."
I asked my wife once, after reading the bumper sticker, "Does that mean we should fear a government that doesn't have an army or weapons or something like that?
"Are you serious with that question?"She asked me.
"I guess I was at first, but probably not now."
"C'mon, now, please. You got to be joking on that."
The Volvo is heading towards 200,000 miles and was once burgundy-red in color.The exterior is aging badly and rusting at an awkward, confused pace making it look like a Jackson Pollack painting.
In a twist of ironic weirdness as far as car sale mythology goes, the only person who answered the newspaper ad was a 55-year old minister who needed a reliable car to get him to and from church on Sundays.
"Is it reliable enough to get me to and from church every week?" The minister asked, not looking at me.
The car had taken me to Alaska, Canada, Mexico, Florida, Arizona, California, Nebraska, Iowa, Utah, Washington, New York City and hundreds of places in between. It had been ticketed for drag-racing and had been to repair shops after being damaged four-wheeling.It tried to chase down the limousine carrying Red Auerbach and his cigar after an NBA All-Star game when he refused to acknowledge my, "Hey, Red, how's it going, bra?"The Volvo drove me to Joe Montana's retirement party at San Francisco's Embarcadero Square and to a basketball tournament at Rucker Park in Harlem, but never once had it taken me to a church anywhere.
"I really have no idea," I answered the minister.
The day before the minister arrived I cleaned the car out and found a ticket from the 1995 Colorado-Oklahoma football game.My friend Deke and I drove to Norman for the game and watched Colorado beat Oklahoma. The Sooner Schooner tipped over right before halftime and Deke was slugged in the back of the head before the game by Oklahoma quarterback Cale Gundy's aunt for loudly questioning Gundy's gender while in the pocket.It was an eye-watering punch that brought him to a knee. He recovered, got to his feet, apologized to her and bought her a cold drink.That's the way to do it down there.
Unable to get tickets together, we used walkie-talkies as a communication device throughout the game.Deke purchased a yellow windbreaker and a blue baseball hat the day before at a sporting goods store and managed to get down on the Colorado sideline pretending to be game security. He radioed me, told me where he was, which was directly behind coach Bill McCartney, and waved to me at the same time the real security was escorting him away from the sidelines and off to jail.
While waiting for Deke to be processed and released later that evening, I sat on a barstool next to Barry Switzer drinking Coors.Switzer was fired a couple of years earlier for running an outlaw program.He was anything but an outlaw that evening, talking to me for several hours about the best fishing spots in the Southeast.I have never been fishing, but am an avid reader of fishing magazines and had a few things to say back to Barry, like, "fish flop around for awhile on the shore after you catch them before they die for good."I consider him a friend after that night, even though he wouldn't remember me if we passed on the street.
A couple of years earlier, Deke and I drove the Volvo to Miami for the Orange Bowl.We didn't have enough money for immediate accommodations having run our credit cards to the limit making t-shirts for the Orange Bowl game and had just enough cash to get us back to Colorado.
"We'll make enough off t-shirt sales to live at a South Beach hotel for months," I told Deke.
"I want to drink multi-colored drinks out of big glasses with stir-sticks, too," Deke said, always the Zen optimist.
Deke is generous with his wisdom.He has told me important things like, "Don't throw the bottle out of the window in front of the cops." And, "Don't be in a hurry unless you need to get somewhere really fast."And, "Don't climb big fences to get something that isn't yours. If the wire doesn't get you, the dogs will." And, "Don't take a lot of hits of LSD on Fat Tuesday."
Four hours into our Miami stay and about 32 minutes into selling our t-shirts, we were busted by an Orange Bowl representative claiming the shirts were not properly licensed by the universities or the Orange Bowl.We plead ignorance, because we were ignorant about the recent t-shirt legislation.
After the shirts were confiscated, we had $267 in cash and no credit.We slept in the car for three nights and hung out in Miami during the days.The Orange Bowl is a game you don't miss when you're in Miami on January 1st and have tickets. We were unshowered and gamey for the game, but this was humid Miami. Everyone has their game face on and their gamey bodies on.
A newspaper columnist made the mistake of critiquing our hero, John Elway, too often. We found out where he lived and drove by his house to do something to make him understand our position, and saw him laying sod down at his new house.Later, eight of us crammed into the Volvo, and in the middle of the night, quiet and effective like mute landscape laborers; we rolled the sod up and put it back on the pallets.
The Volvo took me and three buddies to Tempe for an Arizona State-Nebraska football game.On the way down we purchased 3 cases of beer and put them in the trunk of the car.Driving through the desert in 100 degree heat without air conditioning, we started hearing popping sounds coming from the car trunk.
At first we thought they were gunshots, but when we pulled over we found the desert heat was causing the beer cans to explode.Not wanting to lose our investment, we began drinking as many beers as fast as we could.Being more than a few sheets to the wind, probably a mid-sized laundry to a gale, we took off and a few miles down the road, drinking, weaving, and listening to a Guns & Roses CD, Deke, with his arm hanging out of the window slammed it into a mile-marker.
We found a chain-smoking rural doctor who set the broken arm and asked us, "So let me get this straight. You were arm-wrestling to see who drove the next leg of the trip?"
"Something like that," I answered for Deke, knowing that it is always better to lie and maybe get away with it, then it is to tell the truth and face an immediate consequence.
After the Arizona trip, we solved the exploding beer can problem by drilling a hole into the back seat of the Volvo to the trunk so we could carry a keg in the trunk and run the tap through the hole and into the back seat.
There was a night driving down a highway from Colorado Springs to Denver with my buddies in a blizzard after watching a friend play goalie for the Colorado College hockey team. We were drinking beer from the trunk-keg when the Volvo was stopped by a cop.
"How fast do you think you were going?"He asked me, the designated driver at 1:55 AM with a .18 BAC.
"I don't know...70, 75."
"14"
He made each of us get out of the car and stood facing us jingling coins in his pocket.He then threw the coins from his pocket and into the snow.
"Whoever can come closest to telling me how much change I threw out is driving."
This same goalie, after his first year at Colorado College, asked me to keep his goalie pads in the trunk while he spent some time with his new girlfriend. They had a lot of catching up to do, because I didn't see him the entire summer.
That August, at a drive-in movie theater, his pads combusted and caught on fire.When the police arrived after the pads were extinguished, the investigating officer told me, "I have a couple of questions for you."
"Will you be expecting good answers?" I asked.
There was the time on my way back to Colorado after my grandma's funeral I stopped in the town of Alta, Iowa, population 1,865. Curious as to why 1,865 people would live there, I exited the highway and lost the alternator belt on the main street. I pulled into a gas station and asked the owner when he could fix the Volvo.
"Tomorrow.Tonight is the sectional basketball finals. Alta and Aurelia. They're big, but we're better. Get in the truck."
I think every town member was at the game, and for these people, it was like Game 7 of the NBA Finals. I locked away my cynicism and witnessed a good game of basketball played at Iowa's lowest high school classification.
Afterward, I ate pot-luck dinner with the fans and the players and the coaches. I never knew you could use Jell-O to make so many different dishes.
I looked at the minister as these thoughts ran through my head and then I looked at the car that had brought so much life to my life.
"You're really going to take this car to church and back every Sunday?" "Yeah, and maybe do some church-related errands."
I thought about the time me and Deke drove the Volvo to Mexico to see a bullfight. We committed felonies, probably, and compromised an international treaty or two, maybe.All I really remember is we never found the bullfight and the car smelled like a reggae concert for three months afterward.
"I'm sorry.This isn't the car for you."
I made the decision without talking to my wife. I know communication is the key to a successful relationship, but there is a clause in the vows about for better or for worse. I don't think keeping the car qualifies as a for worse. At least not just yet.
In his 1974 essay, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Robert Pirsig examines the idea of quality and how to attack the question through logical, systematic and rational thought. Pirsig's protagonist, Phaedrus, is a rhetoric professor at the University of Montana who is driven mad by his pursuit to define what is best.
Thirty years later in a parked car high atop the city of San Diego, Ron Burgundy argues with Veronica Corningstone about the origins of the name "San Diego."Burgundy is convinced the city was named for a whale's genetalia, while Ms. Corningstone correctly argues the city is named after the Spanish Saint, Saint Diego.With a dismissive wave of the hand Burgundy tells Corningstone, "We agree to disagree."
The first example illustrates the difficulty in defining what is best on an abstract level, while the second example demonstrates the absurdity of arguing a point that has a definitive answer.At first glance, it appears that there can be nothing in common between Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and the movie Anchorman: Legend of Ron Burgundy, but the two examples come together perfectly when sporting events and athletes are the topic of debate.Most arguments about athletes and sporting events center on defining what is best and then structuring and defending a particular position.Most times, no matter how persuasive the argument on either side, the only conclusion is to agree to disagree.
The NBA MVP debate this year is a perfect example of an inability to agree on quality and what is best.I'm not certain we could reach a unanimous MVP if each of us were to put aside all of our beliefs and prejudices and preconceived notions of how we feel the game should be played.
This June, the NBA draft will lay the foundation for new debate.Without high school players eligible, this year's draft is slim-pickings. Adam Morrison, for example, the potential first pick, is the destitute man's Larry Bird.The 2006 NBA draft offers little hope of excitement, except for those people who enjoy watching long-term role players.In its 60 years of existence, the NBA has produced thousands of great players, hundreds of superstars, and about 50-60 legends.The NBA came out with a list of the 50 best players of all time at the 1996-1997 All Star Game.A panel comprised of former players and media members took on the arduous task of determining the greatest players in NBA history and their selections were, for the most part, dead-on accurate.
As an exercise to spice up this year's bland draft, I examined each team's draft needs, and instead of choosing from this year's mediocre crop of college kids, any player who has ever played the game is eligible for selection in this fantasy draft. My first-round picks are all guys who made the NBA's 50 greatest list.Each pick was selected by using Pirsig's rational, logical and systematic method of choosing the best player for each team.As for any disagreements about these selections, my response, unless I can be convinced otherwise, will be to use Ron Burgundy's "agree to disagree" stance.
1.Portland Trail Blazers - The Blazers need help at every position, and in this draft, the Blazers know Sam Bowie is not the answer. Feeling nostalgic, they toy with the idea of drafting Bill Walton.Cooler heads prevail and the Blazers do what they should have done in 1984.With the first pick in the 2006 draft, the Portland Trail Blazers select Michael Jordan.
2.Chicago Bulls - The Bulls tried to trade their entire roster and this pick to the Blazers, for the chance to again draft Jordan, knowing the Blazers would certainly not make the mistake of the century again.Having failed, the Bulls keep this pick.Feeling good about guards Ben Gordon and Kirk Hinrich and looking for size at this pick, the candidates are Kareem, Bill Russell and Wilt Chamberlain.The Bulls flirt briefly with making the solid and safe pick in Bill Russell, but in the end select Wilt Chamberlain.
3.Charlotte Bobcats - Charlotte needs help at every position and it's a miracle they won 26 games this year.Needing a scorer, a rebounder and a playmaker in just this one pick, the Bobcats select the do-it-all Oscar Robertson.
4.Atlanta Hawks - The best players drafted in franchise history are Lenny Wilkins, Pete Maravich and David Thompson.GM Billy Knight thinks long and hard about drafting either Maravich or Thompson until the team psychiatrist provides him the definition of insanity, which is doing what you've always done and expecting different results.This team needs bigs.This team needs smalls. This team needs miracles. This team needs and gets "Magic."
5.Toronto Raptors - It's tough being a professional athlete in Canada with the currency exchange rate. Athletes in baseball, basketball and hockey bolt as soon as they're eligible for free agency.The working-day malaise phrase in Canada is: "Another day, another 64 cents."A GM could build a championship team with the list of former Raptors. Every player on this current Raptors team is expendable.The Raptors decide to go franchise and select Kareem Addul- Jabbar.
6.Minnesota Timberwolves - Kevin Garnett and a pack of baby wolves.KG, the 2003-2004 league MVP, led the Wolves to the Western Conference Finals that same year.They haven't been back to the playoffs since. Kevin McHale thinks about drafting himself with this pick. He is talked down from the ledge and drafts a player he knows better than anyone. His pick is Larry Bird.
7.Boston Celtics - The city mourns the previous pick made by one of their own, of one of their own.This team needs guards and a center. In an effort to restore Celtic Pride, their choices come down to Sam Jones, Nate Archibald, John Havlicek, Kevin McHale, Robert Parish, and of course, the guy they pick, Bill Russell.
8.Houston Rockets - Is Yao the guy they want to continue to build around?At 25 years of age, the answer is yes.Jeff Van Gundy, however, isn't the architect for the project. He'll be gone and the Rockets will continue with Yao and a guy named T-Mac. With an inside presence and a 25 point a night guy, the Rockets look to the point and take Isiah Thomas.
9.GoldenState Warriors - The Warrior backcourt is solid with Baron Davis and Jason Richardson. Number 9 in this draft is too high to pick the Warriors' most famous player, Rick Barry.Houston's Hakeem Olajuwan's athleticism fits in brilliantly with that of Davis and Richardson. Coach Mike Montgomery is a better fit at the University of Houston and won't be around to coach this guy. Olajuwan is the pick.
10.Seattle SuperSonics - The Sonics best players are a shooting guard and a small forward.In the NBA, that combination makes you a perennial lottery team unless those guys are Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen.Luke Ridnaur will never be an NBA championship point guard, nor will the guy they take at number ten, Washington homeboy John Stockton.
11.Orlando Magic - This team has several nice pieces, including rookie power forward, Dwight Howard, their franchise player.The Magic goes backcourt selecting Clyde Frazier.
12.New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets - With two different mailing addresses, the Hornets have a 20-year old point guard who will be dynamite for the next 10 years. The Hornets decide to take a guy who can rebound, get up and down the floor, and knows how to deliver the mail. The Hornets select Louisiana native Karl "Mailman" Malone.
13.Philadelphia 76ers - Can they get three more productive years from AI?The Sixers can lengthen his career by taking the bulk of the scoring load from his slight shoulders and take a guy who can effectively slow the pace of every game he plays in. He led the Sixers to The Promised Land in 1983. Can Moses Malone do it again?
14.Utah Jazz - Average players will give you a .500 team and that's exactly what the Jazz were this year, .500.Carlos Boozer and Andre Kirilenko are decent frontcourt players, but the center by committee isn't working.The most logical choice here would be to take a big man, a guy like Patrick Ewing, David Robinson, George Mikan or Robert Parrish.But, Jerry Sloan, who isn't big on bigs, takes a Jerry Sloan guy who shares his given name. With the 14th pick, the Jazz select Jerry West.
15.New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets (from Milwaukee) - Chris Paul has a running mate in Karl Malone, who they drafted with their 12th pick.P.J. Brown isn't getting any younger, and the Hornets decide to choose the most athletic center remaining, a guy who knows how to play with other great players and make it work.The Hornets select David Robinson.
16.Chicago Bulls - Are they really certain Kirk Hinrich and Ben Gordon are the right guys to play with Wilt?The Bulls are convinced that they can make it work, but decide they want a pass first point guard and make a move towards becoming the most powerful paint team in the league by trading this pick to the L.A. Clippers for Elton Brand and Sam Cassell.Elgin Baylor, who loves Elgin Baylor, picks Elgin Baylor at 16 for the Clips.
17.Indiana Pacers - The Pacers are about Larry Bird and Rick Carlisle.Tough, hard-nosed and competitive.Carlisle and Bird decide they can continue to work with Jermaine O'Neal at the power forward position and Jamaal Tinsley at the point. Peja is drugstore cotton soft, but can score the basketball. The Pacers need help at the center spot, and briefly flirt with the idea of unloading O'Neal to Sacramento to re-obtain Brad Miller.In the end, Bird, Carlisle and the Pacers go Celtic tough taking John Havlicek.
18.Washington Wizards - Gilbert Arenas is a light it up point guard and Antwan Jamison and Caron Butler are dependable scorers. Centers, Brendan Haywood, Peter John Ramos and Calvin Booth are the league's most highly paid and ugliest cheerleaders. Now they have the ugliest center in NBA history, besides Paul Mokeski, to go with the ugliest cheerleaders/backup centers.Georgetown alum, Patrick Ewing, is their pick.
19.Sacramento Kings - The Kings like their pieces as evidenced by their unwillingness to trade Brad Miller for Jermaine O'Neal. With Mike Bibby, Bonzi Wells and the emerging Kevin Martin in the backcourt and Ron Artest and Brad Miller up front, their need is power forward. The Kings love Kevin McHale at this pick, but are too intrigued by a Barkley-Artest frontcourt to pass on "The Round Mound of Rebound."The Maloof brothers, who are chasing Mark Cuban for the most visible owner in the league award, are certain this pick will give the organization more controversial airtime than any team in the history of the game.The question now is this:Who will pay more money in fines next season, Artest or Sir Charles?
20.New York Knicks (From Denver) - The worst team in basketball with some great pieces in place.The Knicks fire the nagging Larry Brown and attempt to lure Pat Riley back to the Big Apple.Keeping Starbury and Stevie Francis, the Knicks want Riley and his Laker version of Showtime and not his Knick version of Slowtime.Riley decides to stay in Miami. Undeterred, the Knicks hire the wacky, unconventional Don Nelson to head up their wacky, unconventional new-look team.Is there a doctor in the house?There is now.The Knicks get Roosevelt's own, Julius Erving.
21.Phoenix Suns (From LA Lakers) - The Suns get this pick from the Lakers, a team that has shown them exactly what it is they need during their first round series this year.Their need is obvious.They need size. Amare Stoudemire will be back next year, and the Suns like him at power forward. With perimeter shooters at every position, they will continue to light teams up from the outside next year.Their run and gun brand of basketball is thrilling and fills arenas, but the half-court game wins come playoff time. The Suns, with this pick, automatically become a great half-court basketball team selecting Robert Parish.
22.New Jersey Nets (From LA Clippers) - The Nets have back-to-back picks and Jason Kidd.The Nets, taking a lesson from the Nets, and the always dependable Jason Kidd, go for steady and select Kevin McHale.
23.New Jersey Nets - The Nets' starting lineup for next year looks like this: Jason Kidd, Vince Carter, Richard Jefferson, Kevin McHale, and a guy by the name of Wes Unseld.
24.Memphis Grizzlies - Their first off-season move will be to send Mike Fratello packing. This very soft team hires Chuck Daly and decides to improve their backcourt and their toughness by picking Bob Cousy.
25.Cleveland Cavaliers - The Cavaliers' LeBron James will be one of the NBA's greatest players of all time. He is Oscar Robertson with Randy Moss' athleticism.LeBron can play every position on the court. The Cavs need to get tougher defensively, and tougher overall, to compete against teams like the Pistons and the Heat. When looking for toughness, Cavs' management watch miles of game film and are still uncertain of their pick until they view Game 7 of the 1970 Knicks-Lakers NBA Championship. They don't watch the game tape.Seeing Willis Reed limp out of the locker room and onto the Madison Square Garden floor is enough to convince them he is their guy.
26.Los Angeles Lakers- Kobe Bryant, like LeBron James, will be named as one of the NBA's greatest players after his playing days are done. Phil Jackson won 9 NBA championships without the benefit of a great point guard.Jackson may be able to live with Smush Parker at the point, but may not be as patient with Kwame Brown in the post. Wouldn't matter in this draft if his post player is Shaq or Wilt.In this draft, Jackson finds a kindred spirit, a soul mate, a best friend, a leader in a Jerry Garcia sense, and Luke Walton's father. The Lakers select Bill Walton.
27.Phoenix Suns - Their effort to get tougher and better in the half-court game improved by picking Robert Parish at number 21. The Suns' get even tougher picking Dave DeBusschere, arguably the toughest forward in the history of the NBA.
28.Dallas Mavericks - Avery Johnson's attention to detail and emphasis on defense has paid dividends in the "Big D," as the Mavs' big-time D gives them a legitimate shot to win the Western Conference this year. With all the parts in place for several runs in the West, Johnson loves both Dave Cowens and Nate Thurmond.In the end, Johnson decides he loves Thurmond's talent more than he loves Cowens' hustle and determination.
29.New York Knicks (From San Antonio) - Did I mention the Knicks and Don Nelson are wacky? With Starbury, Stevie Francis and Dr. J in the lineup, this team already has enough offense, but this is Don Nelson's team now. Nelson may not promise championships, but he does deliver excitement. The Knicks pick here is "The Big E," Elvin Hayes.
30.Portland Trail Blazers - The Blazers, learning from their 22-year old mistake picked MJ with the number 1 pick.As great as he was in Chicago, even MJ needed a sidekick to get him over the hump and win championships.Hey, the Blazers are getting really good at this draft thing now!With the last pick in the first-round the Portland Trail Blazers select Scottie Pippen.
Stay tuned for the second round of this fantasy draft later this week, unless my obsession becomes like that of Phaedrus' and I am committed to a hospital for rest.
A SPORTING LIFE, MEDICORE FAME BRUSHING AND ADVICE TO YOU DARN BLOGGING KIDS
I've learned that angels come in many shapes and sizes, and to avoid those angels who drink whiskey and attend cockfights with loose women.
I've learned that the person who claims "rainbows are a reflection of God throwing up after a night on the town with the devil" is probably a cynic and should be avoided.
When I was in junior high school, my basketball coach sent me to a Denver talent agency to try out for a part in the movie One on One.The movie starred Robbie Benson as a talented, yet na
This past year the NBA instituted a rule requiring the minimum age a player can be drafted to 19 years of age and added a stipulation that a player must attend college for at least one year before being eligible to play in the league.
This new requirement established by David Stern and the NBA is in direct violation of employment laws established by the United States Supreme Court in 1989, by a 6-3 vote in Howser v. United States.For those of you unfamiliar with the landmark decision, the case involved a talented young medical student by the name of Doug "Doogie" Howser who was denied employment at the hospital near his home because of his age.Although Howser graduated from the Princeton Medical School and passed the medical boards, he was deemed too young by Dr. Alvin Garrett to work at the hospital.
Howser sued the Eastman Medical Center claiming that a person's right to employment is not age specific, but is specific only to the individual's right to "effectively do the job at hand regardless of the age of the professional."He took his case to the Supreme Court after losing his case in state court.In a scathing opinion, Justice Byron White, who was known as "Whizzer" when he played football for the University of Colorado, writing for the majority, emphasized that, "the case before us is not about age at all, but is about the right of an individual to participate in his chosen profession after meeting all of the requirements of the profession.Dr. Howser is not a typical 14-year old boy.Dr. Howser graduated from secondary school at the age of 5, graduated college at 9, and the Princeton Medical School at the age of 13.His age is of no consequence in this matter.What is of consequence is his ability to execute the duties of a doctor. By graduating from medical school and passing the board exam requirements that every doctor must pass, he is indeed qualified and should not be denied employment at any hospital in the United States of America."
Writing for the minority was Chief Justice William Rehnquist, who was 65-years of age at the time. Justice Rehnquist used his age, and health issues associated with people his age, in his dissenting opinion:"Age is absolutely an issue in this case.I'm not certain that a physician as young as Mr. Howser has the emotional maturity to deal with certain delicate health screens such as pap smears and prostate exams.Additionally, it may very well be a physical issue.One must ask the following questions:Are Mr. Howser's fingers long enough to properly execute a prostate exam, and if so, can he conduct the exam without giggling like a child?I think we, as Justices, must make certain that our citizens receive giggle-free medical care; the giggle-free care that only physicians over the age of 25 can provide. "
The NBA needs to brace for what is now known in employment law circles as a "Doogie Challenge."Currently, less than 4% of the league is comprised of players who come directly from the high school ranks. This is a small number of players.In today's NBA, players can enter the draft without an agent to test their projected value and then go to college, or back to their original college, without being penalized.In addition to this safeguard, NBA general managers are reluctant to draft kids out of high school unless they are convinced they can be players in the league, and in almost every instance, teams drafting kids out of high school have made the commitment to help them mature both on and off the court.They get more attention as players and people than do guys who have played in college for 4 years and who may also lack the maturity that comes with being a young millionaire.The evidence is clear that the kids drafted out of high school in the last 10 years are solid players and solid citizens.
There are no laws prohibiting kids from dropping out of high school to work at McDonald's, and there are no laws preventing 18-year old kids from joining the military. Why is it that our society has a problem with African-American teenagers playing pro basketball and 14-year old physicians treating patients in hospitals, and no real intellectual difficulty in allowing high school dropouts to make french-fries or become 18-year old cannon fodder?Why is it that a McDonald's All-American cannot seek immediate employment in the NBA, but a high school dropout can get immediate employment at a McDonald's?
Business owners should be elated when young African-Americans enter the NBA with multi-million dollar contracts and the remarkable purchasing power that comes with NBA money.As a hypothetical, let's assume that the Portland Trail Blazers are allowed to draft a high school phenom this year as a top 5 pick in the draft.The kid signs a contract worth $25 million over a 5 year period.With the help of a smart accountant, the kid could conceivably take home nearly $3 million per year after taxes.This will allow the kid to purchase a million-dollar home which will need to be furnished, putting thousands of dollars in the pockets of those involved with the real estate and home furnishing industries.This kid will also be in the market for big-screen televisions, stereo equipment, CDs, video games, automobiles, clothes, jewelry and other big-ticket items.He will also spend money at restaurants, night clubs, movie theaters and video stores.This hypothetical kid becomes a money-making and money-spending machine.The local economy will thrive because of his ability to play in the NBA right out of high school.
Now, let's examine the life of a high school dropout working at a Portland McDonald's.This kid, working a typical 40 hour week, will make approximately $15,080 a year which is just above the poverty line set for Oregon residents.This kid will be forced to live in an apartment complex that may be subsidized, in part, with federal and state tax money to assist residents with various physical, mental and financial limitations. He will have to choose between buying a bus pass or a bicycle at a garage sale; he will have to choose between renting a video (assuming he has a television) and buying or renting a video game (assuming he has the equipment to play a video game); and, he won't be in the market to spend money on automobiles, jewelry or any other big-ticket items.Taking a date to a restaurant or a night club will be out of the question, and because movie tickets are about $8 a person, this kid may be able to afford to go to the movies just once or twice a month.After a few years of extreme poverty this kid may decide to get a GED and qualify for financial aid provided through tax money to go to college.Or this kid may decide to burglarize homes, get caught and spend time in an Oregon prison, which is also paid for by taxpayers.
To those people who think kids need to play college basketball at least one year before entering the NBA, or need to be able to use a Norelco at least once a week before becoming paid physicians, I offer up a Kobe Bryant-Doogie Howser comparison to lawyers interested in taking on the NBA with a "Doogie Challenge."As I illustrate in this comparison, both Kobe and Howser have had some difficulties, but these difficulties manifested many years after they were in their chosen profession:
Rookie Years:Kobe plays in a total of 71 games with the Lakers, starting in 6 contests.He averages 7.6 points a game in a learning year.Kobe notices that many guys on the team drink, but he devotes his life to the game of basketball and shuns underage drinking.He briefly thinks that a trade to another team may be beneficial to his career.
Dr. Howser moves away from home during his rookie year and confronts issues like underage beer drinking.Dr. Howser, like Kobe, is in a learning mode at the hospital and his most serious operation is an appendectomy. He flirts with the idea of leaving the hospital for a pediatrics group.
Years 2-6:Bryant becomes the youngest player to play in an NBA All-Star game at age 19 and becomes an All-Star game fixture after his debut.He wins his first NBA championship at the age of 21, and realizes that basketball is a business and not everyone plays for the love of the game.He seeks outwardly in his life for the first time and questions his genius on the basketball court.He helps the Lakers win 3 consecutive championships during this time frame and marries Vanessa Lane in 2001. Howser, during this period in his career, is confused when his hospital turns away the poor and the homeless for paying customers. Howser realizes medicine is a business.Unlike Bryant, however, he is of the belief that winning isn't everything if winning is about greed.He begins to ask himself if his genius is a blessing or a curse and seeks life answers outside the world of medicine.
Years 7-10:This is the point in time where Bryant and Howser take different paths in their careers and in their lives.Bryant, while questioning both his gift and Lakers' management, has a period of turmoil professionally and personally.He is accused of sexual assault and his feud with Shaquille O'Neal and Phil Jackson leads to O'Neal being traded to Miami and Jackson without a job.The case against Bryant is dropped, he makes up with both O'Neal and Jackson and encourages Jackson to again coach the Lakers.Bryant responded this year by leading the Lakers to the playoffs averaging over 35 points a game.The turmoil he experienced on and off the court happened well after he was drafted straight out of high school.Howser continues the status-quo at the hospital and does not have a Kobe blowup.He also remains immune from prosecutors, since he is not accused of sexual assault.In fact, Howser remains a virgin, but has a serious thing for an old baby-sitter and several other women.
It's surprising that the NBA minimum draft age debate gets more attention than does the high school dropout issue, especially with the league's "Be Cool, Stay in School" message, and even more surprising is that most people agree with the NBA's decision to deny employment to qualified players.One would think Americans would champion achievement and allow the best of the best to play with the best under any circumstance. But it appears a teenager's place - when his only real skill out of high school is on the basketball court -is in a fast-food kitchen behind the fry-cooker.
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