THE ALL-TIME NBA DRAFT  

Thirty years later in a parked car high atop the city of San Diego, Ron Burgundy argues with Veronica Corningstone about the origins of the name "San Diego."  Burgundy is convinced the city was named for a whale's genetalia, while Ms. Corningstone correctly argues the city is named after the Spanish Saint, Saint Diego.  With a dismissive wave of the hand Burgundy tells Corningstone, "We agree to disagree." 

The first example illustrates the difficulty in defining what is best on an abstract level, while the second example demonstrates the absurdity of arguing a point that has a definitive answer.  At first glance, it appears that there can be nothing in common between Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and the movie Anchorman: Legend of Ron Burgundy, but the two examples come together perfectly when sporting events and athletes are the topic of debate.  Most arguments about athletes and sporting events center on defining what is best and then structuring and defending a particular position.  Most times, no matter how persuasive the argument on either side, the only conclusion is to agree to disagree.  

The NBA MVP debate this year is a perfect example of an inability to agree on quality and what is best.  I'm not certain we could reach a unanimous MVP if each of us were to put aside all of our beliefs and prejudices and preconceived notions of how we feel the game should be played.  

This June, the NBA draft will lay the foundation for new debate.  Without high school players eligible, this year's draft is slim-pickings. Adam Morrison, for example, the potential first pick, is the destitute man's Larry Bird.  The 2006 NBA draft offers little hope of excitement, except for those people who enjoy watching long-term role players.  In its 60 years of existence, the NBA has produced thousands of great players, hundreds of superstars, and about 50-60 legends.  The NBA came out with a list of the 50 best players of all time at the 1996-1997 All Star Game.  A panel comprised of former players and media members took on the arduous task of determining the greatest players in NBA history and their selections were, for the most part, dead-on accurate.

As an exercise to spice up this year's bland draft, I examined each team's draft needs, and instead of choosing from this year's mediocre crop of college kids, any player who has ever played the game is eligible for selection in this fantasy draft. My first-round picks are all guys who made the NBA's 50 greatest list.  Each pick was selected by using Pirsig's rational, logical and systematic method of choosing the best player for each team.  As for any disagreements about these selections, my response, unless I can be convinced otherwise, will be to use Ron Burgundy's "agree to disagree" stance.  

1.                  Portland Trail Blazers - The Blazers need help at every position, and in this draft, the Blazers know Sam Bowie is not the answer. Feeling nostalgic, they toy with the idea of drafting Bill Walton.  Cooler heads prevail and the Blazers do what they should have done in 1984.  With the first pick in the 2006 draft, the Portland Trail Blazers select Michael Jordan.

2.                  Chicago Bulls - The Bulls tried to trade their entire roster and this pick to the Blazers, for the chance to again draft Jordan, knowing the Blazers would certainly not make the mistake of the century again.  Having failed, the Bulls keep this pick.  Feeling good about guards Ben Gordon and Kirk Hinrich and looking for size at this pick, the candidates are Kareem, Bill Russell and Wilt Chamberlain.  The Bulls flirt briefly with making the solid and safe pick in Bill Russell, but in the end select Wilt Chamberlain.

3.                  Charlotte Bobcats - Charlotte needs help at every position and it's a miracle they won 26 games this year.  Needing a scorer, a rebounder and a playmaker in just this one pick, the Bobcats select the do-it-all Oscar Robertson.

4.                  Atlanta Hawks - The best players drafted in franchise history are Lenny Wilkins, Pete Maravich and David Thompson.  GM Billy Knight thinks long and hard about drafting either Maravich or Thompson until the team psychiatrist provides him the definition of insanity, which is doing what you've always done and expecting different results.  This team needs bigs.  This team needs smalls. This team needs miracles. This team needs and gets "Magic." 

5.                  Toronto Raptors - It's tough being a professional athlete in Canada with the currency exchange rate. Athletes in baseball, basketball and hockey bolt as soon as they're eligible for free agency.  The working-day malaise phrase in Canada is: "Another day, another 64 cents."  A GM could build a championship team with the list of former Raptors. Every player on this current Raptors team is expendable.  The Raptors decide to go franchise and select Kareem Addul- Jabbar.

6.                  Minnesota Timberwolves - Kevin Garnett and a pack of baby wolves.  KG, the 2003-2004 league MVP, led the Wolves to the Western Conference Finals that same year.  They haven't been back to the playoffs since. Kevin McHale thinks about drafting himself with this pick. He is talked down from the ledge and drafts a player he knows better than anyone. His pick is Larry Bird.

7.                  Boston Celtics - The city mourns the previous pick made by one of their own, of one of their own.  This team needs guards and a center. In an effort to restore Celtic Pride, their choices come down to Sam Jones, Nate Archibald, John Havlicek, Kevin McHale, Robert Parish, and of course, the guy they pick, Bill Russell.

8.                  Houston Rockets - Is Yao the guy they want to continue to build around?   At 25 years of age, the answer is yes.  Jeff Van Gundy, however, isn't the architect for the project. He'll be gone and the Rockets will continue with Yao and a guy named T-Mac. With an inside presence and a 25 point a night guy, the Rockets look to the point and take Isiah Thomas.

9.                  Golden State Warriors - The Warrior backcourt is solid with Baron Davis and Jason Richardson. Number 9 in this draft is too high to pick the Warriors' most famous player, Rick Barry.  Houston's Hakeem Olajuwan's athleticism fits in brilliantly with that of Davis and Richardson. Coach Mike Montgomery is a better fit at the University of Houston and won't be around to coach this guy. Olajuwan is the pick.

10.              Seattle SuperSonics - The Sonics best players are a shooting guard and a small forward.  In the NBA, that combination makes you a perennial lottery team unless those guys are Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen.  Luke Ridnaur will never be an NBA championship point guard, nor will the guy they take at number ten, Washington homeboy John Stockton.

11.              Orlando Magic - This team has several nice pieces, including rookie power forward, Dwight Howard, their franchise player.  The Magic goes backcourt selecting Clyde Frazier.

12.              New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets - With two different mailing addresses, the Hornets have a 20-year old point guard who will be dynamite for the next 10 years. The Hornets decide to take a guy who can rebound, get up and down the floor, and knows how to deliver the mail. The Hornets select Louisiana native Karl "Mailman" Malone.

13.              Philadelphia 76ers - Can they get three more productive years from AI?  The Sixers can lengthen his career by taking the bulk of the scoring load from his slight shoulders and take a guy who can effectively slow the pace of every game he plays in. He led the Sixers to The Promised Land in 1983. Can Moses Malone do it again?

14.              Utah Jazz - Average players will give you a .500 team and that's exactly what the Jazz were this year, .500.  Carlos Boozer and Andre Kirilenko are decent frontcourt players, but the center by committee isn't working.  The most logical choice here would be to take a big man, a guy like Patrick Ewing, David Robinson, George Mikan or Robert Parrish.  But, Jerry Sloan, who isn't big on bigs, takes a Jerry Sloan guy who shares his given name. With the 14^th pick, the Jazz select Jerry West.

15.              New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets (from Milwaukee) - Chris Paul has a running mate in Karl Malone, who they drafted with their 12^th pick.  P.J. Brown isn't getting any younger, and the Hornets decide to choose the most athletic center remaining, a guy who knows how to play with other great players and make it work.  The Hornets select David Robinson.

16.              Chicago Bulls - Are they really certain Kirk Hinrich and Ben Gordon are the right guys to play with Wilt?  The Bulls are convinced that they can make it work, but decide they want a pass first point guard and make a move towards becoming the most powerful paint team in the league by trading this pick to the L.A. Clippers for Elton Brand and Sam Cassell.  Elgin Baylor, who loves Elgin Baylor, picks Elgin Baylor at 16 for the Clips.

17.              Indiana Pacers - The Pacers are about Larry Bird and Rick Carlisle.  Tough, hard-nosed and competitive.  Carlisle and Bird decide they can continue to work with Jermaine O'Neal at the power forward position and Jamaal Tinsley at the point. Peja is drugstore cotton soft, but can score the basketball. The Pacers need help at the center spot, and briefly flirt with the idea of unloading O'Neal to Sacramento to re-obtain Brad Miller.  In the end, Bird, Carlisle and the Pacers go Celtic tough taking John Havlicek.

18.              Washington Wizards - Gilbert Arenas is a light it up point guard and Antwan Jamison and Caron Butler are dependable scorers. Centers, Brendan Haywood, Peter John Ramos and Calvin Booth are the league's most highly paid and ugliest cheerleaders. Now they have the ugliest center in NBA history, besides Paul Mokeski, to go with the ugliest cheerleaders/backup centers.  Georgetown alum, Patrick Ewing, is their pick.

19.              Sacramento Kings - The Kings like their pieces as evidenced by their unwillingness to trade Brad Miller for Jermaine O'Neal. With Mike Bibby, Bonzi Wells and the emerging Kevin Martin in the backcourt and Ron Artest and Brad Miller up front, their need is power forward. The Kings love Kevin McHale at this pick, but are too intrigued by a Barkley-Artest frontcourt to pass on "The Round Mound of Rebound."  The Maloof brothers, who are chasing Mark Cuban for the most visible owner in the league award, are certain this pick will give the organization more controversial airtime than any team in the history of the game.  The question now is this:  Who will pay more money in fines next season, Artest or Sir Charles?

20.              New York Knicks (From Denver) - The worst team in basketball with some great pieces in place.  The Knicks fire the nagging Larry Brown and attempt to lure Pat Riley back to the Big Apple.  Keeping Starbury and Stevie Francis, the Knicks want Riley and his Laker version of Showtime and not his Knick version of Slowtime.  Riley decides to stay in Miami. Undeterred, the Knicks hire the wacky, unconventional Don Nelson to head up their wacky, unconventional new-look team.  Is there a doctor in the house?  There is now.  The Knicks get Roosevelt's own, Julius Erving.

21.              Phoenix Suns (From LA Lakers) - The Suns get this pick from the Lakers, a team that has shown them exactly what it is they need during their first round series this year.  Their need is obvious.  They need size. Amare Stoudemire will be back next year, and the Suns like him at power forward. With perimeter shooters at every position, they will continue to light teams up from the outside next year.  Their run and gun brand of basketball is thrilling and fills arenas, but the half-court game wins come playoff time. The Suns, with this pick, automatically become a great half-court basketball team selecting Robert Parish.

22.              New Jersey Nets (From LA Clippers) - The Nets have back-to-back picks and Jason Kidd.  The Nets, taking a lesson from the Nets, and the always dependable Jason Kidd, go for steady and select Kevin McHale.

23.              New Jersey Nets - The Nets' starting lineup for next year looks like this: Jason Kidd, Vince Carter, Richard Jefferson, Kevin McHale, and a guy by the name of Wes Unseld.

24.              Memphis Grizzlies - Their first off-season move will be to send Mike Fratello packing. This very soft team hires Chuck Daly and decides to improve their backcourt and their toughness by picking Bob Cousy.

25.              Cleveland Cavaliers - The Cavaliers' LeBron James will be one of the NBA's greatest players of all time. He is Oscar Robertson with Randy Moss' athleticism.  LeBron can play every position on the court. The Cavs need to get tougher defensively, and tougher overall, to compete against teams like the Pistons and the Heat. When looking for toughness, Cavs' management watch miles of game film and are still uncertain of their pick until they view Game 7 of the 1970 Knicks-Lakers NBA Championship. They don't watch the game tape.  Seeing Willis Reed limp out of the locker room and onto the Madison Square Garden floor is enough to convince them he is their guy.

26.              Los Angeles Lakers- Kobe Bryant, like LeBron James, will be named as one of the NBA's greatest players after his playing days are done. Phil Jackson won 9 NBA championships without the benefit of a great point guard.  Jackson may be able to live with Smush Parker at the point, but may not be as patient with Kwame Brown in the post. Wouldn't matter in this draft if his post player is Shaq or Wilt.  In this draft, Jackson finds a kindred spirit, a soul mate, a best friend, a leader in a Jerry Garcia sense, and Luke Walton's father. The Lakers select Bill Walton.

27.              Phoenix Suns - Their effort to get tougher and better in the half-court game improved by picking Robert Parish at number 21. The Suns' get even tougher picking Dave DeBusschere, arguably the toughest forward in the history of the NBA. 

28.              Dallas Mavericks - Avery Johnson's attention to detail and emphasis on defense has paid dividends in the "Big D," as the Mavs' big-time D gives them a legitimate shot to win the Western Conference this year. With all the parts in place for several runs in the West, Johnson loves both Dave Cowens and Nate Thurmond.  In the end, Johnson decides he loves Thurmond's talent more than he loves Cowens' hustle and determination.

29.              New York Knicks (From San Antonio) - Did I mention the Knicks and Don Nelson are wacky? With Starbury, Stevie Francis and Dr. J in the lineup, this team already has enough offense, but this is Don Nelson's team now. Nelson may not promise championships, but he does deliver excitement. The Knicks pick here is "The Big E," Elvin Hayes.

30.              Portland Trail Blazers - The Blazers, learning from their 22-year old mistake picked MJ with the number 1 pick.  As great as he was in Chicago, even MJ needed a sidekick to get him over the hump and win championships.  Hey, the Blazers are getting really good at this draft thing now!  With the last pick in the first-round the Portland Trail Blazers select Scottie Pippen. 

Stay tuned for the second round of this fantasy draft later this week, unless my obsession becomes like that of Phaedrus' and I am committed to a hospital for rest.