Growing up someone told me something I always thought of as being at least in theory, correct. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained."  As I fade into my twilight years (why do they say that? frigging old is what they mean), that phrase has come to mean  more to me. Nothing venture, nothing gained but you could come home in a body cast

Went hunting once, shot myself in the ankle climbing thru a fence which i knew better. 12 years old with a remington semi auto 12 gauge. damn lucky i didn't blow my foot off. Gave up hunting.

Went fishing once in the everglades with a relative who was even a bigger moron than me. Hung a string of fish over the side of the alumunim boat. Alligator attacked the fish. turned over the boat. Nearly drowned, nearly died of filthy water ingestion. Not to mention taking a dump in my pants from fear of an alligator family reuinion. Gave up fishing.

Went camping once. Climbed out of the tent middle of the night to take a pee, standing there whizzing in the lake as kids will do. Felt something goose me, turned around, a bear was apparently blind and working with a bad sense of smell. Gave up camping.

Went to the zoo once, was standing with a crowd in front of the baboon cage watching a female try to get a worked up male to give her some. Male baboon ignored her, jumped over to the cage right in front of me and  stroked it  Gave up zoos.

Driving through West Texas saw a baby deer on the road, slowed down, he just stood there, got out to try and shoo him off the road. Got beat up by an enraged mother deer who appeared out of nowhere.Gave up on Texas

Went Parasailing one time. Grinning and posing on the dock, moron takes off in the boat, drug me half a mile before he realized there was no parasailing in progress. Gave up parasailing.

Bungee jumped once. Bunch of pals double dog daring. Drew the short straw had to go first. Has 14 heart attacks, 31 strokes, peed my pants 11 times and took three dumps all before the initial snap back at which point I went ahead and died. Rest the macho wimps retired before jumping. Gave up bungee jumping.

Tried Gran Prix racing in Germany on the Nuremburg old track, three laps for 100.00 American. Rolled the car in the first turn. Gave up Gran Prix Racing.

Tried bullfighting once at a ranch that let you fight year old bulls. Got tangled up in the cape, fell on my face, bull was so disgusted he just stood there slobbering on my face. Gave up bullfighting.

Tried desert motorcyle racing once. Barstow To Vegas. 3,000 riders. Crashed into the first marker barrel 800 yds from the start doing 70 mph. Gave up desert racing.

Tried motocross once. Caught a hole shot in front of 50 other riders went into first turn first, fell, took all 40 with me. On the restart I overshot the first turn this time and got airborne across switchback turn and managed to get a good 30 of them this time. Got banned from the track. Gave up motocross.

Tried mountain climbing once. Third on the rope, got a good 12 feet on the mountain, fell, landed at the feet of the last guy on the rope still standing at the bottom. Gave up mountain climbing.

Went sailing once. Got run over by some Greenpeace guys in a black rubber raft for getting too near whales. Gave up sailing.

Went trot line fishing at night once with a guy. Coming back into the bank a snake dropped out of a tree into the boat, panicked and emptied a 15 shot clip of .22 shells.....sank the boat. Gave up trot line fishing.

On honeymoon in Big Sur, personal cabin down path from lodge, heard a noise, went to check, two racoons in cans, yelled at them, they flipped me off and hissed, I turned to go back inside, a possum the size of a cougar had me cut off. Spent an hour up an overhanging tree until lodge guy came and ran them off with a fire extenguisher. Gave up honeymoons.

Read about Indians hanging from the side of a horse shooting on the run, almost got it down on uncles horses, shot a horse in the neck., superfical wound. Banned from the Uncle's ranch . Gave up riding.

Joined the boy scouts, on weekend retreat, practicing rubbing sticks to make a campfire, inside the cabin. Burned half the cabin down. Gave up scouting.

Standing in the paddocks at Santa Anita lying my ass off to a honey standing there about the qualities of a horse tied up. Horse relieved himself  over my shoes and leg. Gave up horse racing.

Met a girl in Paris who looked just Brigette Bardot. When I tried to take her back to my hotel they refused to let her in because she was a well known transexual hooker. Gave up on Paris.

Went water skiing once. Let go off the rope to glide to the shore, ran into the side of a boat. Gave up water skiing.

While on night watch in Viet Nam I saw a shadow move beyond the wire, emptied clip, killed a water buffalo. they took 75.00 out of my check to pay for it. Gave up on the Marines.

Tried surfing once in Puerto Rico. They told me those were small waves that day. Fell off the top of a 12 foot wave broke my wrist, wave carried rented board to shore where a kid smaller than a midget stole it. Gave up surfing.

While vacationing in Kuala Lampur wife and I took a horse ride to the top of a 6.000 foot mountain with 60 other people to see the sun rise. Halfway up my horse took a right and made a run for the border. They found me two hours later where he had bucked me off. Gave up on mountains and horses....again.

Went go cart racing once with wife. she had a big headstart but i got her on a smooth go wide and dive, got centerpunched by a kid in a sombero, got airborne, jumped the fence, l;anded right side up with throttle stuck wide open, did a lap around the adjoining minature golf course. Gave up Go Carts.

Tried pole vaulting back when poles were metal, natural talent, got up over 14 feet on a 12 foot pole and came down right on my nuts on the end of the pole. Gave up pole vaulting.

While fry cooking in college at a counter display grill got causual and cool talking to a couple of model cuties, didn't notice my apron was on the grill, caught fire, gave up cooking.

Ran the L.A, Marathon, hit the wall, got a second wind, pushing for the finish, got passed by a gray haired woman with a chihuaha in a dog wheel chair. Gave up marathons.

Entered a triathalon, in traffic in the water at the turn buoy, swam headfirst into the buoy, knocked out, had to be airlifted to the hospital for 27 stitches. Gave up triathalons.

Tried bicyle racing, missed a turn going too fast, slammed into a parked car in a drive, went over the hood, got up, some kid smaller than a midget was pedaling away on my bike. Gave up cycling.

Went to a midget toss bar, midget outweighted me by 50 lbs, couldn't get him thrown up on the velcro wall, everyone laughing, his midget girlfriend in referee shirt kicked me in the leg, poured a beer on me. Gave up midget tossing.

Tried scuba diving, became disoriented, thought i was drowning but could see faces above me.Kicked for my life to surface, knocked myself out on the bottom of a glass bottom boat. gave up scuba diving.

Tried snow skiing. On the bunny hill talking cool to a honey, ski slid out from under me sideways, fell down the hill, broke an ankle, took out 19 kids under the age of 5. Kid stole my ski poles. Gave up snow skiing.

Tried sky diving. Pulled chute ring in plane, chute got tangled on wing on jump, guy had to come get me, cut me lose. 245.00 for the chute, banned from airport. Gave up skydiving.

Tried the hundred meter dash. Set spikes in start blocks. positioned hands, guy next to me steps on hand, 11 spike holes bleeding profusely. Gave up the100 dash.

Tried white water rafting in Grand Canyon. Slipped on the dock, fell into river, hit head on paddle, knocked out, had to be saved from drowining. Banned from Grand Canyon. Gave up whitewater rafting..

Took kid to petting zoo, bent down showing him how to feed goats, LLama decides to breed with me Gave up petting zoos.

Took a honey to teach to play pool, got her set, let her break, jumped the cue right into my forehead. knocked out, 14 stitches. Gave up pool.

Entered a camel race, ruuning right on the butt of lead camel in second, my camel stumbles, i pitch forward just in time for lead camel to take a dump on my back. Gave up Camel racing.

Tried base jumping off the Sears Tower, Jumped spread eagle right into a five gallon bucket of paint on scaffold ten feet below Almost drowned, stomach pumped for paint. Gave up base jumpng.

Tried professional boxing. Ring girl climbin in ring with round 1 card, kicked me in the head, knocked out, 9 stitches Gave up boxing.

Tried Ice hockey, knocked down flying puck with glove, glove flew off, bent down to pick up, ran over hand, with hockey blade. Gave up hockey.

Tried Hang gliding, ran for edge of cliff, forgot to untether glider, fell 2,573 feet. Some kid stole  glider. Gave up hang gliding.