Part Two:  Visiting a Tailgate as a Home Fan.

Death - This outcome is often assumed as to be a very bad thing, but it is seldom prepared for adequately.  Before going to the tailgate, please remember to say your good byes to your family and friends.  Also, try to make sure that you have a living will and it is current.  What can cause death at a tailgate?  There are obvious answers like drinking and driving or wandering into a KKK gathering dressed in drag.  So, I will only mention the obscure ways like death by cheese dip.  This is caused by ingesting too much cheese dip.  Unless you are genetically predisposed to a condition known as Lactose Intolerance, cheese will cause constipation.  Too much cheese could back you up for days.  That kind of a plumbing problem can't be helped by Roto-Rooter.  So remember, easy on the cheese.  Cardiac arrest can occur at just about anytime to anyone.  Precautions must be made to prevent this terrible buzz-kill from happening.  I would suggest surrounding yourself with things that will keep you calm.  Incense, mood music, and lots of magic crystals can help.  I like to keep a Voo-Doo priestess nearby just in case I do die.  Maybe she could bring me back before the end of the game.

Serious Bodily Injury - There is nothing like 3rd degree burns over 80% of one's body or the loss of a favorite limb to bring a party to a screeching halt.  If I had a dollar for every time I have heard "Has anyone seen my left hand?" at a party, I would have some serious bank.  Another way that many people outside of the state of Texas can end up hurting themselves is by eating chili prepared by a Texas native.  Through the process of natural selection, Texans have become immune to eating garbage and calling it chili.  I have eaten this so called chili and I have paid dearly for the error.  First, there was an intense burning sensation that started in my mouth, throat, and stomach.  Next, my eyes started watering profusely, and my ears started ringing.  A person noticed that I was having a bad time handling the chili, so they offered me a Lone Star beer to help.  I don't know which was worse but after that, I had the sudden urge to go to the bathroom.  The excrement exited my body at 800 degrees F.  Then, I found a bathroom.  For the next two days, I experienced a series of nose bleeds, hallucinations, vomiting, sweating, headaches, blurred vision, bloody urine, diarrhea, body aches, and uncontrollable urges to wear Ropers, an affinity towards Willie Nelson and George Strait, and yellow roses.

Incarceration - There are a myriad of offenses one could rattle off in a forum such as this that would end up as a night in jail.  Peeing in public is my favorite.  There is nothing more embarrassing than having to try to answer questions coming from a policeman while urinating.  Usually a fight will end you up in jail as well.  Sleeping in the parking lot is also a no-no.  You can be in your truck or on the ground; cops don't like you sleeping in a parking lot.  Starting a fire is a good way to get arrested.  It's like you get to spend the night in jail and you get to see firemen put out a blaze.  Depending how drunk you are, going to jail may not be a bad thing.  If your spouse is as displeased to see you wasted as mine is to see me...Jail is a good safe place. 

The season is finally upon us.  The kids are back in school.  ESPN is getting geared up for another great season of NCAA Football.  Lou and Kirk are ready to debate.  May and Holtz, well they are ready to do whatever it is that they do.  It is easy to get caught up in following your team. It would be a shame for someone to get hurt or arrested while tailgating.  Knowing this, I have made a list of things that one could do to enhance and make safer the activity of tailgating. 

To make it easier to remember, I have separated this survival guide into two main categories:  Visiting fans and home fans.  For the home fans I have two subcategories:  Hosting a tailgate and patronizing a tailgate.  This will be a three part series.   

Part one: Hosting a Tailgate

               Choosing the best spot for a proper tailgate should take at least 6 hours of recon.  During the intelligence gathering phase the host needs to keep in mind that a bathroom facility should be nearby but not so close that the smell will sour appetites for beer and brauts.  Also, the terrain and flow of traffic need to be considered. 

Reserving the spot can sometimes be tricky.  I have seen two very effective ways to reserve the perfect tailgate spot.  The first way is to make sure you are the first person to be let in the parking area.  A bribe is usually helpful.  I do not recommend sleeping in your vehicle.  Police tend to frown upon people sleeping in vehicles loaded with beer.  Plus the temptation to crack open one may overcome some.  The second way is to go to the nearest hobby store to get some fake blood and police tape.  Simply mark your spot with police crime scene tape and dump a ton of blood in the area.  This has always worked when I have seen it done.  The only problem is that if you don't get there before the press, then there will be some explaining to do.

A proper tailgate should provide 3 full meals with food from different food groups offered.  A suggested menu would be something like this.  Breakfast - Fruit and vegetables: Salty-dogs, Bloody-marys, or Screwdrivers.  Breads and cereals and dairy:  chips and cheese dip.  Meats: any.  Lunch and dinner would be the same as the breakfast menu except beer is usually substituted for all food groups.  Please remember to not make accomodations to Veegans.  It is a waste of time because no self-respecting football fan would ever think of being a Veegan.

While cooking the food, the chef needs to know that the rules of cooking in a kitchen and cooking in a parking lot have some subtle differences.   First of all, there is no sink readily available.  Proper planning can fix this minor inconvenience.  A small bucket of water can make for a nice makeshift sink.  The bucket will also come in handy later.  Second, the 5 second rule is now extended to 90 seconds.  If the food does not get lost in the dirt or roll under a car, it is still food.  I would suggest giving it to the last person who didn't bring anything to the tailgate. 

I cannot stress the importance of choosing a designated driver.  In the last paragraph, I mentioned that the sink/bucket would come in handy later.  This would be the time.  Find your designated driver and throw the bucket of water directly onto his/her face.  Usually, the DD is asleep (passed-out) by the time a proper tailgate is finished.  I have found that making the splash in the face a tradition can be great fun.  Throwing the water in the face of a fully conscious person is much more difficult and takes a certain kind of finesse. 

One often overlooked detail of tailgating is respect for the area that you are in.  This can include peeing in public.  I know that there are some men who think it is a divine right handed down from God that we can pee where ever and when ever we feel the urge.  I am here to say that is not true.  If the urge is too great.  If the Port-a-Poty is just too far.  If your legs are not responding correctly to your brain's orders, you can, in emergencies only, open the door to your truck and while facing inward urinate.   This is a very bold maneuver to attempt especially if one is very drunk.  Peeing onto the floorboards or on the inside of the door is very possible.  It is not advised to pee in public while intoxicated.  Ones awareness to ones surroundings are usually at an all-time low.  Police tend to frown upon the act of urinating in public. 

What do you think goes through the mind of a visiting team's player, when he sees Nebraska's "Sea of Red" for the first time?  I would like to think a brief moment of wonderment and excitement, followed closely by an undying, overwhelming, sense of despair.  Maybe they think, just for a minute, that everyone of theses screaming fans want us to get hurt.  Why else would they wear red?  They want our blood to be spilt here on the field.  They are all looking for us to lay an egg.  All 85,000 of them are waiting for us to roll over. 

            Maybe it is not that complicated.  Maybe they think where in the hell did they get all those red shirts from?  Was there a sale?  Was there a volume discount?  How many sweatshops in China did it take to manufacture this many? 

What if they thought they came prepared, but then quickly realized that there was no way to prepare?  Why did that guy wear a white one?  Is that just to throw me off?  Everyone around him wore red.  Did he not get the word?  Is this his first game?  How did he not know?  Why didn't someone tell him to wear a red shirt?  Why didn't he go back home and change it when he saw everyone else in red?  Is it in the laundry?  He had 9 months to wash it.  Is he that lazy?  WHY DIDN'T HE WEAR RED!?!?  The 89 year old woman next to him wore red.  The 4 year old 3 rows above wore red.  HE MUST BE A PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE GENIUS!!!!  How can we compete when there are such deviously clever fans in Nebraska?  I guess we can hope there are lots of Obsessive-Compulsives on the other side of the ball.

            What about the weather?  How hot is it going to be?  These early season games can be tough to get through.  It can be especially though if you are over the age of 80, or if you decided to substitute beer for water.  How many times have you heard this one:  It's not the heat.  It's the humidity.  Please give me a break.  The humidity is bad, but the heat is pretty freekin' bad also.  It shouldn't get so hot and so cold in the same place.  It is just not right.  There is something wrong with that.

Herkie is getting warmed up in the shadows of Iowa City.  The Hurricane winds are starting to blow in South Florida.  The mighty soldiers from Troy are preparing their steeds.  The students in Ann Arbor have put their clothes back on.  The Warriors in Hawaii are planning their air-assault on the rest of the nation.  Harvest is over in Nebraska.  So put down that corn and grab a helmet.  Beevo is just happy he is not on someone's plate. 

Life will begin anew.  So sayeth the great and almighty football Gods.  I can hear the chomping on the bits.  I can sense the electricity in the air.  I can see all the fans getting ready for the big day when all of the speculation and prognostications will be put to the test.  I can smell the burnt brauts and bad beer for breakfast.  

What gets into us this time of year?  My wife is already bracing herself for the manic-depressive football season she will have to endure because she was unlucky enough to marry a freekin' nut-bar.  She is already trying to come up with new ways to tell the kids that their father is not really mad or crazy.  He is just watching football. 

 "Why does he watch if it makes him yell?" my little one says.

"He likes it," she retorts without missing a beat.

We get emotional over the things that are important to us.  Isn't that the way it works?  

What makes this time of year so special is that everyone is undefeated.  Everyone has a chance in running the table and getting noticed.  The realism of the season has not set in.  The memories of past triumphs are burning bright in the eyes of the rabid fan.