The first week is in the books.  Now, we can start to answer some questions about some teams' performances.  These are some of the more interesting games for me.

Miami at Oklahoma - Can Miami execute on Oklahoma's Defense?  Is Oklahoma's offense that good?  Is this the same Miami team from last year?  How well is Oklahoma's QB going to hold up under some real pressure?  You can't knock either of these teams' scheduling.  Who would want to play either of these teams if you had title hopes? 

Nebraska at Wake Forest - Will the defending ACC Champs go 0-2 to start the season?  Can the new Nebraska run the ball like the old Nebraska for another week?  Was the devastating loss to Boston College a product of looking ahead to the Big Red?  Will the Big Red be looking ahead to USC?  Can the Demon Deacons muster any running attack?  Is Sam Keller as good as advertised?  Nebraska has to win this one for anyone to take them seriously next week.  Wake needs a win if they hope to repeat as champions of the ACC and save face.

California at Colorado State - Will California be hampered by the altitude and a good Colorado State offense?  Can Colorado State stop anyone?  How banged up is Cal after the complete domination of a good Tennessee team last week?  Can Colorado State stop anyone?  Cal should roll, but I expect Colorado State to score more than a couple times.

Oregon at Michigan - Do the Ducks stand a chance in the Big House after all that has happened?  Is Michigan really that bad?  Can Oregon kick a wounded Wolverine while it is down in it's own house?  Is Michigan really that bad?  We will all find out if Michigan is going to be worth watching for the rest of the season.

Notre Dame at Penn State - Penn State should roll.  You know that the Golden-Domers are going to surprise at least one team this year.  Is it going to be Joe Pa and his boys? 

I have saved the best for last!

Virginia Tech at LSU - Tigers and Cajuns and Creoles oh my!  At night, on the Bayou, surrounded by a mass of yellow and purple clad drunk, crawdad eating, psychopaths, screaming things only a native can understand.  I love watching LSU home night games!!!!  That is the cream of the crop of the SEC venues.  Do the heartfelt Hokies stand a chance?  Were they looking ahead to LSU last week?  For their sakes, I hope so.  Dem boys can play some o'dat fooseball down dair in Louisiana. 

Part Two:  Visiting a Tailgate as a Home Fan.

Death - This outcome is often assumed as to be a very bad thing, but it is seldom prepared for adequately.  Before going to the tailgate, please remember to say your good byes to your family and friends.  Also, try to make sure that you have a living will and it is current.  What can cause death at a tailgate?  There are obvious answers like drinking and driving or wandering into a KKK gathering dressed in drag.  So, I will only mention the obscure ways like death by cheese dip.  This is caused by ingesting too much cheese dip.  Unless you are genetically predisposed to a condition known as Lactose Intolerance, cheese will cause constipation.  Too much cheese could back you up for days.  That kind of a plumbing problem can't be helped by Roto-Rooter.  So remember, easy on the cheese.  Cardiac arrest can occur at just about anytime to anyone.  Precautions must be made to prevent this terrible buzz-kill from happening.  I would suggest surrounding yourself with things that will keep you calm.  Incense, mood music, and lots of magic crystals can help.  I like to keep a Voo-Doo priestess nearby just in case I do die.  Maybe she could bring me back before the end of the game.

Serious Bodily Injury - There is nothing like 3rd degree burns over 80% of one's body or the loss of a favorite limb to bring a party to a screeching halt.  If I had a dollar for every time I have heard "Has anyone seen my left hand?" at a party, I would have some serious bank.  Another way that many people outside of the state of Texas can end up hurting themselves is by eating chili prepared by a Texas native.  Through the process of natural selection, Texans have become immune to eating garbage and calling it chili.  I have eaten this so called chili and I have paid dearly for the error.  First, there was an intense burning sensation that started in my mouth, throat, and stomach.  Next, my eyes started watering profusely, and my ears started ringing.  A person noticed that I was having a bad time handling the chili, so they offered me a Lone Star beer to help.  I don't know which was worse but after that, I had the sudden urge to go to the bathroom.  The excrement exited my body at 800 degrees F.  Then, I found a bathroom.  For the next two days, I experienced a series of nose bleeds, hallucinations, vomiting, sweating, headaches, blurred vision, bloody urine, diarrhea, body aches, and uncontrollable urges to wear Ropers, an affinity towards Willie Nelson and George Strait, and yellow roses.

Incarceration - There are a myriad of offenses one could rattle off in a forum such as this that would end up as a night in jail.  Peeing in public is my favorite.  There is nothing more embarrassing than having to try to answer questions coming from a policeman while urinating.  Usually a fight will end you up in jail as well.  Sleeping in the parking lot is also a no-no.  You can be in your truck or on the ground; cops don't like you sleeping in a parking lot.  Starting a fire is a good way to get arrested.  It's like you get to spend the night in jail and you get to see firemen put out a blaze.  Depending how drunk you are, going to jail may not be a bad thing.  If your spouse is as displeased to see you wasted as mine is to see me...Jail is a good safe place. 

The season is finally upon us.  The kids are back in school.  ESPN is getting geared up for another great season of NCAA Football.  Lou and Kirk are ready to debate.  May and Holtz, well they are ready to do whatever it is that they do.  It is easy to get caught up in following your team. It would be a shame for someone to get hurt or arrested while tailgating.  Knowing this, I have made a list of things that one could do to enhance and make safer the activity of tailgating. 

To make it easier to remember, I have separated this survival guide into two main categories:  Visiting fans and home fans.  For the home fans I have two subcategories:  Hosting a tailgate and patronizing a tailgate.  This will be a three part series.   

Part one: Hosting a Tailgate

               Choosing the best spot for a proper tailgate should take at least 6 hours of recon.  During the intelligence gathering phase the host needs to keep in mind that a bathroom facility should be nearby but not so close that the smell will sour appetites for beer and brauts.  Also, the terrain and flow of traffic need to be considered. 

Reserving the spot can sometimes be tricky.  I have seen two very effective ways to reserve the perfect tailgate spot.  The first way is to make sure you are the first person to be let in the parking area.  A bribe is usually helpful.  I do not recommend sleeping in your vehicle.  Police tend to frown upon people sleeping in vehicles loaded with beer.  Plus the temptation to crack open one may overcome some.  The second way is to go to the nearest hobby store to get some fake blood and police tape.  Simply mark your spot with police crime scene tape and dump a ton of blood in the area.  This has always worked when I have seen it done.  The only problem is that if you don't get there before the press, then there will be some explaining to do.

A proper tailgate should provide 3 full meals with food from different food groups offered.  A suggested menu would be something like this.  Breakfast - Fruit and vegetables: Salty-dogs, Bloody-marys, or Screwdrivers.  Breads and cereals and dairy:  chips and cheese dip.  Meats: any.  Lunch and dinner would be the same as the breakfast menu except beer is usually substituted for all food groups.  Please remember to not make accomodations to Veegans.  It is a waste of time because no self-respecting football fan would ever think of being a Veegan.

While cooking the food, the chef needs to know that the rules of cooking in a kitchen and cooking in a parking lot have some subtle differences.   First of all, there is no sink readily available.  Proper planning can fix this minor inconvenience.  A small bucket of water can make for a nice makeshift sink.  The bucket will also come in handy later.  Second, the 5 second rule is now extended to 90 seconds.  If the food does not get lost in the dirt or roll under a car, it is still food.  I would suggest giving it to the last person who didn't bring anything to the tailgate. 

I cannot stress the importance of choosing a designated driver.  In the last paragraph, I mentioned that the sink/bucket would come in handy later.  This would be the time.  Find your designated driver and throw the bucket of water directly onto his/her face.  Usually, the DD is asleep (passed-out) by the time a proper tailgate is finished.  I have found that making the splash in the face a tradition can be great fun.  Throwing the water in the face of a fully conscious person is much more difficult and takes a certain kind of finesse. 

One often overlooked detail of tailgating is respect for the area that you are in.  This can include peeing in public.  I know that there are some men who think it is a divine right handed down from God that we can pee where ever and when ever we feel the urge.  I am here to say that is not true.  If the urge is too great.  If the Port-a-Poty is just too far.  If your legs are not responding correctly to your brain's orders, you can, in emergencies only, open the door to your truck and while facing inward urinate.   This is a very bold maneuver to attempt especially if one is very drunk.  Peeing onto the floorboards or on the inside of the door is very possible.  It is not advised to pee in public while intoxicated.  Ones awareness to ones surroundings are usually at an all-time low.  Police tend to frown upon the act of urinating in public.