The season is finally upon us.  The kids are back in school.  ESPN is getting geared up for another great season of NCAA Football.  Lou and Kirk are ready to debate.  May and Holtz, well they are ready to do whatever it is that they do.  It is easy to get caught up in following your team. It would be a shame for someone to get hurt or arrested while tailgating.  Knowing this, I have made a list of things that one could do to enhance and make safer the activity of tailgating. 

Hosting a Tailgate 

Choosing the best spot for a proper tailgate should take at least 6 hours of recon.  During the intelligence gathering phase the host needs to keep in mind that a bathroom facility should be nearby but not so close that the smell will sour appetites for beer and brauts.  Also, the terrain and flow of traffic need to be considered.  The savvy host would not position his/her tailgate party at the bottom of a mound of rocks or the side of a ravine.  These kinds of hazards need to be avoided at all costs.  Remember, safety first.  Nothing will kill a perfectly good tailgate party faster than an accidental death or dismemberment.

Reserving the spot can sometimes be tricky.  I have seen two very effective ways to reserve the perfect tailgate spot.  The first way is to make sure you are the first person to be let in the parking area.  A bribe is usually helpful.  I do not recommend sleeping in your vehicle.  Police tend to frown upon people sleeping in vehicles loaded with beer.  Plus the temptation to crack open one may overcome some.  The second way is to go to the nearest hobby store to get some fake blood and police tape.  Simply mark your spot with police crime scene tape and dump a ton of fake blood in the area.  This has always worked when I have seen it done.  The only problem is that if you don't get there before the press, then there will be some explaining to do.

A proper tailgate should provide 3 full meals with food from different food groups offered.  A suggested menu would be something like this.  Breakfast - Fruit and vegetables: Salty-dogs, Bloody-marys, or Screwdrivers.  Breads and cereals and dairy:  chips and cheese dip.  Meats: any.  Lunch and dinner would be the same as the breakfast menu.  Of course the beer exception will be in effect.  This is that beer can substituted for all food groups.  It can't be that wimpy "lite" stuff.  Full-flavored beers only.  Guinness, NewCastle, Bass, or Harp are acceptable for the imports.  Any domestic microbrew will suffice.  These are regional, so the names will vary.  Some of my favorites are Sierra Nevada, Fat Tire, Blue Moon, Blue Paddle,  Sunshine Wheat.  Of course there is an exception to that exception.  As long as copious amounts of mass produced domestics are consumed, Bud, Coors, Pabst, Old Style, Miller, and Michelob are alright.

While cooking the food, the chef needs to know that the rules of cooking in a kitchen and cooking in a parking lot have some subtle differences.   First of all, there is no sink readily available.  Proper planning can fix this minor inconvenience.  A small bucket of water can make for a nice makeshift sink.  The bucket will also come in handy during the later stages of the tailgate.  Second, the 5 second rule is now extended to 90 seconds.  If the food does not get lost in the dirt or roll under a car, it is still food.  I would suggest giving it to the last person who didn't bring anything to the tailgate. 

I cannot stress the importance of choosing a designated driver.  In the last paragraph, I mentioned that the sink/bucket would come in handy later.  This would be the time.  Find your designated driver and throw the bucket of water directly onto his/her face.  Usually, the DD is asleep (passed-out) by the time a proper tailgate is finished.  I have found that making the splash in the face a tradition can be great fun.  Throwing the water in the face of a fully conscious person is much more difficult and takes a certain kind of finesse.  But if they are comatose it is like shooting fish in a barrel.  It is always entertaining to yell something right before the kitchen sink is emptied onto the DD's face like "Watch Out!" or "Thar she blows!" or "Incoming!"  I do not recommend a countdown because you are risking waking the DD before the water can be thrown.  One thing I would recommend is to have plenty of witnesses so that the DD won't immediately know whose idea it was.  This will usually give you enough time to ditch the bucket and act like you can't believe someone would do such a childish thing.  The "insincere shock, horror, and disgust" is a talent that is not possessed by everyone.  It needs to be practiced on family members before attempting it on drunks...I mean friends.

One often overlooked detail of tailgating is respect for the area that you are in.  Nobody wants to see crying Native Americans because you left all your trash conveniently strewn about the area.  Trash is one aspect, but there is another that is much more serious: peeing in public.  I know that there are some men who think it is a divine right handed down from God that we can pee where ever and when ever we feel the urge.  I am here to say that is not true.  If the urge is too great.  If the Port-a-Poty is just too far.  If your legs are not responding correctly to your brain's orders, you can, in emergencies only, open the door to your truck and while facing inward urinate.   This is a very bold maneuver to attempt especially if one is very drunk.  Peeing onto the floorboards or on the inside of the door is very possible.  It is not advised to pee in public while intoxicated.  Ones awareness to ones surroundings are usually at an all-time low.  Police tend to frown upon the act of urinating in public.

Part Two:  Visiting a Tailgate

As a home fan patronizing a tailgate, there is a hierarchy of outcomes that one would not want to occur.  So as that no one will get confused, I will list and explore these unwanted outcomes in order from least desirable to not so bad but unwanted nonetheless.

Death - This outcome is often assumed as to be a very bad thing, but it is seldom prepared for adequately.  Before going to the tailgate, please remember to say your good byes to your family and friends.  Also, try to make sure that you have a living will and it is current. 

What can cause death at a tailgate?  There are obvious answers like drinking and driving, wandering into an oncoming train, or accidentally crashing a KKK gathering dressed in black-face and drag.  So, I will only mention the obscure ways death can sneak up on unsuspecting tailgaters such as death by cheese dip.  This is caused by ingesting too much cheese dip.  Unless you are genetically predisposed to a condition known as Lactose Intolerance, cheese will cause constipation.  Too much cheese could back you up for days.  That kind of a plumbing problem can't be helped by Roto-Rooter.  So remember, take it easy on the cheese.  Cardiac arrest can occur at just about anytime to anyone.  Precautions must be made to prevent this terrible buzz-kill from happening.  I would suggest surrounding yourself with things that will keep you calm.  Incense, mood music, and lots of magic crystals can help.  I like to keep a Voo-Doo priestess nearby just in case I do die.  Maybe she could bring me back before the end of the game.  Sure, I may be a mindless zombie, powerless to the orders of the priestess, who craves nothing more than the taste of human flesh, but at least I will see our team triumph over the visiting team.  You do need to make clear that if we are going to lose, then don't bring me back.  Just leave me be.

Serious Bodily Injury - There is nothing like 3rd degree burns over 80% of one's body or the loss of a favorite limb to bring a party to a screeching halt.  If I had a dollar for every time I have heard "Has anyone seen my left hand?  I have seemed to accidentally cut it off." at a party, I would have some serious bank. 

Another way that many people from outside of the state of Texas can end up hurting themselves is by eating chili prepared by a Texas native.  Through the process of natural selection, Texans have become immune to eating corrosive toxic waste and calling it chili.  There are uses for this chili.  Personally, I find that it works well to unclog your kitchen sink.  It also works well as a hair removal product provided that you don't use it on your genitals. 

I have eaten this so called chili and I have paid dearly for the error.  First, there was an intense burning sensation that started in my mouth, throat, and stomach.  Next, my eyes started watering profusely, and my ears started ringing.  Then, there was the tunnel vision and the voice of God telling me that I made a big mistake.  Luckily, a person noticed that I was having a bad time handling the chili, so they offered me a Lone Star beer to help.  I don't know which was worse but after guzzling down that gutter juice, I had the sudden urge to go to the bathroom.  The excrement exited my body at 800 degrees F.  Then, finally I found a bathroom.  For the next two days, I experienced a series of nose bleeds, hallucinations, out-of-body experiences, vomiting, sweating, headaches, blurred vision, bloody urine, diarrhea, dysmenorrhea, dysphasia, loss of coordination, memory loss, mood swings, numbness of the arms and legs, one-sided weakness, restlessness, seizures, shortness of breath; speech changes; swelling of the hands, legs, and feet, tremors, trouble concentrating, twitching, body aches, and uncontrollable urges to wear Ropers, an affinity towards Willie Nelson and George Strait, and yellow roses.  It was all very intense, and it has converted me to Buddhism.  

Incarceration - There are a myriad of offenses one could rattle off in a forum such as this that would end up as a night in jail.  Peeing in public is my favorite.  There is nothing more embarrassing than having to try to answer questions coming from a policeman while urinating.  Usually a fight will end you up in jail as well.  Sleeping in the parking lot is also a no-no.  You can be in your truck or on the ground; cops don't like you sleeping in a parking lot.  Starting a fire is a good way to get arrested.  It's like you get to spend the night in jail and you get to see firemen put out a blaze.  Depending how drunk you are, going to jail may not be a bad thing.  If your spouse is as displeased to see you wasted as mine is to see me...Jail is sometimes a good safe place to be.