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    O Nickname, Where Art Thou?

    Monday, June 5, 2006, 08:39 PM EST [General]

    Prime TimeThe Big Hurt. The Crime Dog. The Glove. Prime Time. Just some of the nicknames that helped shape my formative years. Aliases of athletes that I attempted to mimic on the streets and playgrounds of West Philadelphia.

    Make no mistake: these names aren't cute Bermanisms spouted in the midst of a SportsCenter highlight - these are handles that defined superstars for the better part of a generation.

    Which is why it bothers me that people are getting lazy with the nicknames these days. Some of the greatest athletes of this era are referred to as D-Wade, T-Mac and A-Rod. Or LT, TO and AI. Anyone can take elements of a name and mash them together - the best nicknames characterize who you are.

    Two of the best nicknames of the '90s came from the Pacific Northwest. Shawn Kemp spent eight years igniting the Seattle crowd with his thunderous dunks as the de facto leader of the Sonics - calling him the "Reignman" was a stroke of unadulterated genius. 16 years after his major league debut, Ken Griffey, Jr. continues to display that youthful exuberance of "The Kid", which I guess makes him the oldest kid in the history of mankind.

    Griffey reminds me of another point: the good nicknames have that stickiness factor. Jevon Kearse will now and forever be known as "The Freak" - a tag that goes back to his days at the University of Florida. Ray Allen is permanently married to the "Jesus Shuttlesworth" moniker due to his turn in Spike Lee's He Got Game. And if I ever happen to run into Hakeem Olajuwon on the street, please believe that I will refer to him as "Dream" incessantly.


    When it comes to aliases, TNT's Kenny Smith doesn't quite get the credit he deserves for handing out quality tags. He anointed Shawn Marion "The Matrix" for his gravity-defying abilities. Smith also dubbed Vince Carter "Air Canada", which is an incredible nickname, but should probably be decommissioned because: A) Vince no longer plays north of the border and B) he really isn't worthy of a witty moniker.

    Which brings me to the next rule: you should be able to lose your nickname due to your poor play/attitude. And on the flip side, you have to put in work to earn one as well. If Rudy Gay showed any kind of consistency, then he'd be perfect for a name like "The Prototype." We'll have to wait and see on that one.

    Finally, athletes don't get to pick their own nicknames - it just doesn't work like that. Darius Miles: I don't care how many license plates you want to put "Takeover23" on - you need to take over a box score first before you get to be called anything other than "D-Miles." Worst of all is Kobe's "Black Mamba" - I love Kobe's game, but I have a slight problem with a player who grew up in Italy and Lower Merion, PA naming himself after a venomous snake. Even if he did happen to kill the Lakers.

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    The Best of What's To Come (NGS Assignment #2)

    Thursday, June 1, 2006, 05:36 PM EST [General]

    I'm not a soothsayer, nor did I ever play one on TV. I didn't even stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. But I have come up with what I think is a pretty accurate forecast of what's on the not-so-distant horizon in the world of sports. I can't explain it - it's kind of like that late '90s CBS show Early Edition, except that my newspaper only comes with the sports section. With that being said, I present to you... the best of what's to come.


    June 6, 2006: Brown... Out
    The Larry Brown saga comes to an end when the oft-criticized coach accepts a $30 millon buyout from Knicks' owner James Dolan. When hearing the news of Brown's departure, Stephon Marbury reaffirms his pledge to play like "Starbury" during the upcoming season. At the press conference announcing the buyout, team president Isiah Thomas assumes the role of "interim" coach. In response to reporters' questions about whether or not he will be able to handle the duties of both coach and president, Thomas tells the assembled media that "it's crazy enough that it just might work."

    June 8, 2006: Even The Nielsens Aren't Watching

    According to the overnight Nielsen ratings, the second game of the Stanley Cup Finals on OLN is watched by a mere 1.5 million viewers. Coincidentally, that happens to be the exact number of people who, during that same timeslot, tune in to watch Beavis and Butthead Do America on MTV2. NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman blames the poor ratings on the summer movie season, saying: "It's unfortunate, but many of our normal viewers are out watching X-Men 3 when our playoff games are on. Everybody should relax. It's going to be fine."

    June 21, 2006: Don Dada, Indeed
    Shaquille O'Neal and Dwyane Wade help the Heat capture the NBA title for the first time in franchise history. Despite a heat index in the upper 90s, Shaq wears a baby blue sweater vest to the team's victory celebration - a not-so-subtle dig at Kobe Bryant's attire on a recent edition of TNT's Inside the NBA.

    June 28, 2006: The Cedric Benson of the NBA
    Gonzaga's Adam Morrison is selected by the Portland Trailblazers with the #4 pick in the 2006 NBA Draft. The excitement of draft day combined with the disappointment of having to play for Portland causes Morrison to have an emotional breakdown on national television. Upon watching the newest Trailblazer's reaction, ESPN's Jay Bilas praises Morrison's intangibles. "You can't coach that," Bilas says. "Adam Morrison is long... on emotion."

    October 1, 2006: The Summer of 69
    Despite hitting 14 homeruns in the month of September, Cardinals' first baseman Albert Pujols comes up four HRs short of equaling Barry Bonds' mark of 73 set in 2001. Jason Darrow catches home run ball #69, and promptly sells it to Todd MacFarlane (the creator of Spawn) for $2.5 million. The Wachowski Brothers option the movie rights to the Albert Pujols story, but plans for Pujols on Pujols are put on indefinite hiatus.


    February 4, 2007: T.O. - Super Bowl XLI MVP
    In his first season in Big D, Terrell Owens racks up 124 yards and scores two touchdowns in the Dallas Cowboys' 34-16 win over the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl XLI. During the trophy presentation, Owens - who was named MVP of the game - takes the opportunity to talk about his favorite subject: himself. "Like Joanie loves Chachi, and Vito loved his Johnny Cakes, I love me some me!" Following the post-game press conference, ESPN analyst Michael Irvin volunteers to accompany Owens to Disney World.

    February 5, 2007: Just Bury The Hatchet... In His Back
    In an television interview with Comcast Sportsnet, Donovan McNabb compares the Cowboys' Super Bowl win to black-on-black crime.

    May 27, 2007: The Rocket Is Grounded
    After months of speculation, Roger Clemens officially announces his retirement from baseball. Shortly thereafter, Clemens and his agent begin talks with VH1 to appear on the seventh season of The Surreal Life. Negotiations quickly fall through when the former Astro demands a $22 million appearance fee, an actual rocket ship, and written assurance that his son Koby will be able to visit the house whenever he pleases.

    October 29, 2007: A-Rod is May-Rod No Longer
    Alex Rodriguez silences the critics with a stellar postseason performance, culminating in a World Series in which he bats .514 with 3 HRs and 8 RBI. Despite A-Rod's heroics, the Yankees would lose the 2007 World Series in six games to the St. Louis Cardinals. Yankees' owner George Steinbrenner blames Rodriguez for not only the Yankees' loss, but for rising gas prices, global warming and the disappointing series' finale of The Sopranos.

    December 30, 2007: LJ Is An Angry Record Holder
    In the Chiefs' final game of the year, running back Larry Johnson breaks the NFL's single-season rushing mark on a 9-yard run early in the second quarter. Johnson will finish the season with 2,271 yards, easily besting Eric Dickerson's previous mark of 2,105 yards. Somewhere, Dick Vermeil begins to cry.

    May/June 2008: Conspiracy Theory
    Rumors of a conspiracy run wild as the New York Knicks win the 2008 NBA Draft Lottery, despite only having the eighth-worst record in the NBA. The Knicks proceed to take Kansas State freshman guard O.J. Mayo with the number #1 overall pick. With the addition of Mayo to the New York backcourt, "Starbury" promises that for the good of the team, he will return to the days of playing like Stephon Marbury.

    July 22, 2008: The Emperor's New Clothes
    LeBron James decides not to re-up with the Cleveland Cavaliers, instead choosing to sign for less money with the New Jersey (soon-to-be Brooklyn) Nets. NBA Commissioner David Stern insists that the NBA's desire to have LeBron play in a major media market had "no effect, whatsoever" on James' decision. Minutes after Stern's declaration, Nike announces that they have re-signed James to a lifetime contract worth $300 million.

    August 8, 2008: The Big Undercover
    After retiring from the NBA at the end of the 2008 season, Shaquille O'Neal begins to pursue his dream of working as an undercover officer for the Miami Beach Police Department. Few are surprised when, on his very first assignment, the 7'1", 330-pound O'Neal is immediately "made" while attempting a routine drug bust, and is wounded in the resulting shootout. Following the incident, the Miami Beach PD immediately re-assigns O'Neal to its Internet crimes division, where he does battle against hackers on a daily basis.

     

    **********

    After that, the forecast starts to get a little hazy - the Sports Doppler 10,000 is only accurate up to a certain point. But if the next two years are any indication, you might want to bring your raincoat.

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    The Eternal Flame (NGS2 Assignment #1)

    Thursday, May 25, 2006, 05:58 AM EST [General]

    Larry Johnson

    Larry Johnson loves being angry. He wouldn't have it any other way.

    "I like being [ticked] off," Johnson told the Kansas City Star in an interview last November. "I know that sometimes when I'm happy, something usually comes along and knocks me back down to earth. So I like keeping it at a real chill level, being prepared for anything, something good, something bad."

    Always be prepared - the Boy Scout motto. More menacing than your average Boy Scout, Larry Johnson is prepared to deal with the doubters, the haters, the non-believers. The people such as his former head coach, who once said that the Chiefs' running back needed to "take the diapers off", and the others who continue to question his ability.

    Some of us are motivated by money. Others are enamored with power. Johnson's fire comes from within, fueled by coaches whom he believed weren't ready to deal with a player of his caliber. Stoked by years of impatiently waiting for his chance.

    The wait is over. Yet Larry Johnson still feels the need to prove that he belongs.

    Johnson at Penn State

    Anyone who has ever played sports can tell you that being the coach's son is both a gift and a curse. As such, Larry Johnson was blessed - or damned, depending on how you look at it - for much of his early football career.

    Going back to his Pop Warner days, Johnson felt the need to prove that he wasn't playing merely because his father was the team's coach. The younger Johnson was driven to show people that he was getting the carries because he deserved them.

    High school was a different story. LJ may have merited more touches at State College (PA) Area High, but he didn't actually get them until his senior year, a season in which he rushed for 2,159 yards and 29 TDs. That was enough to earn him a scholarship to Penn State, where the familiar refrain - "wait your turn" - was repeated once again.

    For his first four years in Happy Valley, Larry Johnson was one very unhappy running back. But when he finally got on the field as a fifth-year senior, something special happened. 2,087 yards, 20 TDs and one third-place finish in the Heisman voting later, Johnson had established himself as one of the greatest tailbacks in Penn State history. The only thing left now was to prove he could do it on the next level.

    Larry Johnson

    Three years ago, Kansas City, Missouri was Priest Holmes' town. Which probably isn't saying all that much since the only other high-profile athletes in the "City of Fountains" at that time were Tony Gonzalez and the Royals' Carlos Beltran. Even still, Holmes was firmly entrenched as the face of the Chiefs' franchise.

    Which is why many people were confused when KC selected Johnson with the 27th pick in the first round of the 2003 draft. Why burn an early pick on a back when Holmes had just set the team's single-season rushing record (1,615 yards in 2002)? Granted, Holmes would turn 30 early in the 2003 season, but he was showing no signs of slowing down. If anything, Priest Holmes was still in the midst of his prime.

    So Larry Johnson was relegated to the bench. Once again. For the better part of two seasons, he mulled over his status as the third-string RB, behind both Holmes and change-of-pace back Derrick Blaylock. Being that deep on the depth chart did not sit (no pun intended) all that well with Johnson, who, in turn, started fights in practice, skipped team meetings, and vented his frustrations to the media.

    His problems weren't limited to the Chiefs' practice facility. Johnson was charged in December 2003 with aggravated assault and domestic battery after a dispute with an ex-girlfriend, and was ordered to perform 120 hours of community service. In fact, LJ did just about everything outlined in the "How to Get Yourself Traded" textbook. Only, the Chiefs never flinched.

    In 2004, opportunity knocked in the form of a Priest Holmes' knee injury in Week 9 against the Cleveland Browns. Blaylock and Johnson would share the load for the rest of that campaign, and Johnson would rush for 498 yards and 9 TDs in the season's last five contests. Those games came after head coach Dick Vermeil infamously called out his tempermental running back. Truth be told, Vermeil wasn't terribly far off with the diaper comment. The problem was that Larry Johnson wasn't a baby - he was a man-child. A man-child waiting for his turn.

    With Blaylock signing with the NY Jets before the 2005 season, Johnson got the nod as Holmes' primary replacement. Holmes and Johnson split carries for the first part of last year until Holmes was, yet again, shut down by a leg injury. Fate, destiny... call it whatever you wish. At that moment, Larry Johnson became "the man" in the Kansas City backfield. Over the next nine weeks, the 26-year-old Johnson would convince an entire congregation of Chiefs' fans to turn its collective back on its Priest.

    Kansas City became Larry Johnson's town.

    Larry Johnson

    Ladanian Tomlinson runs with speed. Shaun Alexander runs with power. Larry Johnson runs with anger.

    Treating would-be tacklers like a jilted lover spurns an ex-boyfriend, Johnson punishes opposing defenses with his physical running style. This isn't just three yards and a cloud of dust football, my friends - it's more like five yards and halfway to a first down.

    Larry Johnson rushed for 100 yards or more in each of the final nine games of last season, ripping off 200-yard performances in games against the Texans and the Bengals. He scored 17 times during that span, an average of nearly two touchdowns per game.

    Despite not starting the first seven games of the 2005 season, Johnson finished the year with 1,750 yards and 21 TDs (20 rushing, 1 receiving). His on-field exploits have caused some to speculate as to whether he can put up 2,500 yards next season. While that projection may seem slightly inflated, if you happen to have a high pick in your fantasy football league's draft this year, it's enough to give you pause.

    Johnson flashing the diamond

    It's somewhat ironic that Johnson flashes the diamond symbol every time he reaches the end zone. According to Wikipedia, diamonds are the byproduct of "prolonged exposure of carbon-bearing materials to high pressure and temperature." Larry Johnson has dealt with pressure in many forms throughout his football career. But even with all of his successes on the football field, the fire within him still burns.

    In Herm Edwards, Johnson has a new coach who - despite the impending return of Holmes - has already anointed him as the starter going into training camp. Edwards has also promised that the team will run the ball more this season. Yet Larry Johnson is still angry.

    Perhaps one day, LJ will finally find that inner peace. Today isn't that day. Tomorrow isn't looking so good, either.

    For Chiefs' fans, that may not be such a bad thing.

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    Mr. Pibb is in the Building...

    Wednesday, May 24, 2006, 03:04 PM EST [General]

    Random crazydeliciousness I thought about last night while NOT watching the Edmonton-Anaheim game:

    - I think the Raptors have to take Tyrus Thomas with that #1 pick. For starters, Toronto finished next-to-last in team rebounding last year, so they obviously need help on the boards. And I don't think you go LaMarcus Aldridge at that spot since you already have 6-10 Chris Bosh and 6-11 Charlie Villanueva taking up space in the lane. So you draft Thomas, slide Villanueva and Bosh over to PF and C, respectively, and go from there. Along with Mike James and Mo Peterson, that's a solid starting five. And all this talk about them taking a PG is nonsense - Mike James averaged 20 points a game last season. If they don't want him, I'll take him here in Philly.

    - Ryan Madson threw over 100 pitches in 7+ innings of relief in the Phils' 9-8 loss to the Mets yesterday. I realize that Madson's a former starter, but that's borderline insanity. Pitch #105 was crushed over the rightfield fence by Carlos Beltran in the bottom of the 16th. I don't think that manager Charlie Manuel's handling of Madson last night was any worse than his continued insistence of batting Jimmy Rollins (who's batting .242) in the leadoff spot, but it's pretty close.


    - What is Jennifer Capriati doing these days?


    - They need to chill with this "Jeb Bush for NFL Commissioner" nonsense. From what I know (and that's not a lot), they need to give the job to the Falcons' Rich McKay. He's well-respected (he serves as the chairman for the NFL rules committee), he's been around the game his entire life... and he's not Jeb Bush.

    - Apples and sugarcubes, I can understand. Even horseshoes. But what exactly are Barbaro's owners going to do with all those cards and e-mails that people have sent to their horse? Read them to him? Here are some of the messages sent in to a Web site created by my local TV station (KYW 3 - Philadelphia):

       * We're hoping and praying every day for you, Barbara and for your rapid recovery. You're such a beautiful horse, a true champion and a hero. Keep on fighting and enjoy your hay!

       * Whether you believe in horseracing or not; Barbaro is a magnificent horse and its my hope and prayer that he has a full recovery. I rejoice in the fact that the Jacksons' have such a love for this animal.

        * I never really cared for horse racing because I think they start these horses out way to young. I just happen to be watching this race and couldn't pull myself away. I cried like a baby when I saw this happen, as if he were mine. I have since been checking the internet for updates on his progress every day. I believe he will be OK because he has such a big heart. I down loaded a ton of pictures of him the afternoon it happened, he is just so handsome. It is also so good to here that the owners are not doing this for the money but doing it for him. I truly pray for his recovery and hope he can produce many little Barbaros.

        * It's a horse!!!

    I may need to write a separate post just on this....

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    This Is Why I Blog

    Sunday, May 21, 2006, 09:15 AM EST [General]

    FoxBlog recently asked the simple question: Why do you blog? So, without any further adieu, here is my response.

    -----

    I blog because I think NHLPA Hockey 93 is the greatest sports video game ever. And I need a platform to express that sentiment.

    I blog because talking aloud to myself about the greatness of Reggie Bush would appear somewhat odd.

    I blog because I can draft better than the Texans.

    And the Atlanta Hawks.

    And the New York Jets.

    I blog because Dirk Nowitzki should have been the MVP this year.

    I blog because I need to add my voice to the Lebron James chorus.

    I blog because I am the voice of the Philadelphia sports fan.

    I blog because the voices in my head tell me to.

    I blog because men such as Roger Federer, Sam Cassell and Mardy Collins are grossly underrated.

    I blog because men such as Bobby Abreu, Paul Pierce and Vince Carter are grossly overrated.

    I blog because it gives my Playstation 2 a chance to cool down after a marathon Madden session.

    I blog because I got D's in art class in middle school, but A's in English.

    I blog because I still believe in Temple Football.

    I blog because I still don't understand how to play Strat-O-Matic baseball.

    I blog because I bring more to the table than Scoop Jackson.

    I blog because I want Michelle Wie to read all the good things I've written about her. And call me on her 18th birthday.

    I blog because it fills the time between now and the day when Chad Johnson actually brings a live reindeer onto the football field.

    I blog because I believe that whatever happened on Lake Minnetonka should have stayed on Lake Minnetonka.

    I blog because it helps me not to think about all the money I spent on Brien Taylor rookie cards.

    And Ryan Leaf rookie cards.

    And Radek Bonk rookie cards.

    I blog because I believe that a whole lot of players should be kicked out of the Baseball Hall of Fame due to their mediocre stats.

    I blog because writing posts comparing Kobe Bryant to Ric Flair and Rudy Gay to a high school flirt is a fun thing to do.

    I blog because Andre Iguodala got robbed in the dunk contest. And I'm still upset about that, three months later.

    I blog because I am a GM in my own mind.


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