It's almost that time. Just one week till people everywhere tear open presents and begin thinking about what to exchange them for the next day. Ryan gets in the spirit and doles out gifts to major sports stars.

We here at the UA (Ugly American) appreciate the holidays. We don't get caught up in the pageantry and the commercialism that has taken Baby Jesus and plopped him down on the level of a baby that is as important as the kids doing Huggies, it isn't our thing.

But instead of smacking you upside the head with religious stuff that might make you feel uncomfortable, we'll get on the level of everyone and start handing out Christmas gifts to major sports stars. And don't be surprised if Terrell Owens receives one of Prancer's yule logs. On with the gifts:

Tom Brady: Skin to cover up that chin cleft. Those things are fine, until it looks like you could lose a finger if it gets close.

Bill Belichick: Jack Del Rio and Mike Nolan's wardrobe. This January, would it be possible for you to take a step up on the clothes you wear? I realize it's cold and I sympathize with this because I can't stand the chills. But Vince Lombardi and Tom Landry didn't wear clothes from the agape house during the Ice Bowl, and neither should you during a game played in 30 degree weather.

Peyton Manning: The ability to beat a 3-4 defense. It's coming up on January, which means another installment of Manning throwing all over the place against a 3-4 defense that eats him for lunch and regurgitates him for dinner. Not even the comfort of the RCA Dome will save Manning this year (just like last year). However, my gift to Manning will help the Colts out some, but they'll ultimately fail because I can't give them a run defense.

LaDanian Tomlinson: Health. The only thing that is going to stop you from getting your ring is an injury.

Shawne Merriman: Creatine, Flinstones vitamins and raw eggs stirred in a glass with some skim milk. Hey, Shawne, if you're going to pump up, can't you do it honestly?

Sean Salisbury: Resolve. Salisbury picks a new team for the Super Bowl every hour he is awake. It's rumored that he has even gone so far as to picking the Utah Jazz, but upon hearing that the Jazz are in the NBA, Salisbury screamed that he is the most respected NFL analyst ever and he was just testing us.

Rex Grossman: A new nickname. "Sexy Rexie?" Please.

Carmello Anthony: Horse tranquilizer. Settle down, 'Melo. Make an R&B album and chill out.

LeBron James: A healthy Larry Hughes. A healthy Hughes could give the Cavs the edge they need in the playoffs.

Albert Pujols: Another MVP. You were robbed in '06, El Hombre.

Derek Jeter: Less media coverage. I could care less about your pretty good numbers. Unless you're great, I don't need to know about what you do.

Chris Berman: A severance package. You were cute in 1980, you're annoying now. Get lost, leather. (10,000 cool points to whomever gets that)