Long live the days of unique sports team nicknames. The Western Kentucky Hilltoppers, the Pittsburgh Penguins, the Texas State Fightin' Armadillos. Even if that last one is from a fictional sports movie, it's still more creative than most of the garbage we consider name-worthy nowadays. Mascots and team names nowadays are pretty much one in the same. If a team isn't named after a specific sock color or boring bird, it's named after a furry animal or a type of pirate.

  I understand some team names are historical, and others have lost their meaning over the years but some things are ridiculous. In the big four we have two teams sporting the nickname kings,  and at one point we had two named the jets. I'm even willing to bet that roughly one in six college teams are named the wildcats or cougars.

  If it were up to me, I would be implementing some sports nickname rules of my own, and making some serious changes.

 Rule No. 1- The team nickname must have something to do with the current state of team or the history of the geography of the team. For example: The Detroit Pistons, are from the motor city, hence the automobile themed name.

 Rule No. 2- If at all possible the team nickname should involve some alliteration by using the same beginning letter as the city or state it stands next to. This is commonly found in famous athletes names. Examples include: Hulk Hogan, Bubby Brister, and The Texas Tornado.

 Rule No. 3 - If the team does not have a rich history (we aren't talking about the Cowboys or Lakers) the name can be changed on a rotating basis, to fit the current mold of the franchise.

 Rule No. 4 - No more teams shall be named after animals with claws or sharp teeth.

 Rule No. 5 - Naming a team after celebrities to represent pitfalls is not only acceptable, but it is strongly encouraged. For example: The Miami Hurricanes, a team known for producing murderers, drug addicts and thugs could be the Darryl Strawberry All-Stars.

 Now onto some team name changes that have already begun to take shape in my scattered brain.

 In the NFL....

 The Houston Texans become the Texas Train Wrecks:

Houston we have a pone call over here, it's from a guy named Creativity. Yeah, he says something about you not being allowed to name your team after your state. This would be like having a football team named the Florida Floridians. The Texas Train Wrecks however, is a much more fitting name that includes alliteration while also describing the current situation of the Houston franchise. I can almost picture a logo now. There's a train driving recklessly into a an opponents stadium. And the conductor you ask? David Carr.

 The Detroit Lions become the Detroit Dodos:

Detroit gets a new nickname in the form of a flightless bird because as a franchise they have not gotten off the ground. The Dodo bird can also represent a cast of characters present in the Lions locker room over the years including Jeff Garcia, Joey Harrington, Charles Rogers, Matt Millen, and Mike Williams.

 In the MLB...

 The Atlanta Braves become the Atlanta Albatross:

The team ditches the potentially offensive Indian themed mascot for the Albatross who is known for many dominating bird feats. Like the Albatross, the team from Atlanta is found in the South, relatively close to the ocean. Still not convinced? Atlanta also has an impressive winning streak in the NL East and the Albatross has an impressive wingspan. The two are destined to be together. If you believe that I have some property in California to sell you.

 The San Diego Padres become the San Diego Stirrups:

In this politically correct world we live in today naming a team after a Spanish priest is not a good omen. A better way to go would be naming the team after a variety of leggings- and not that of the usual colored tube sock variety. Just think about the upcoming home game giveaways. I can see the first 10,000 kids lining up already for their chance at getting a pair of Dewon Brazleton replica stirrups.

In the NHL....

 The Boston Bruins become the Boston Bottomfeeders:

In the Bruins defense, Boston was the original Hockeytown. In everyone else's defense, Boston still stinks.

 The Detroit Red Wings become the Detroit Dominators:

What the heck is a Red Wing anyway? Has anyone ever seen an actual Red Wing growing off the side of a chrome spoked rim with surrounding tire?  Neither have I. Besides, thirteen years of Western Conference (wait, no. Yeah. Western Conference) dominance couldn't be wrong.

 In the NBA...           

 To be honest, when it comes to the NBA, or NCAA sports I haven't thought of many useful changes other than eliminating the nickname wildcats all-together. My only other suggestion is moving the Atlanta Hawks to the West Coast so they could be renamed the Pacific Pac-Men to go along with their logo from the '80s.

 I'm sure if I have enough time though, I'll be able to figure out some more good ones to add to this list. Then again that's what I said about the anagram names a few months ago. And now, I'm honestly beginning to believe Eli Manning's anagram name "Nailing Men," will never be topped.

 Jon Gunnells is a journalism senior at Michigan State University who wishes Necessary Roughness was on TBS right now. But all they play is Down Periscope and reruns of the Drew Carey Show. Jon Gunnells can be reached at gunnell2@msu.edu