Lauren Wallace is the third cousin (once removed) of Rusty and Mike Wallace; and these are his adventures. Many have speculated as to his relation to the Wallace family, due in part to his attitude - when Mike is so passive and Rusty, is well Rusty. He is third cousins (once removed), so there has been enough genetic interferrance to negate any significant damage Wallace DNA may have caused.

ATLANTA: Andretti Speedway, Andretti Indoor Kart Racing Center

Junior Nationals Qualifying results (first two rows):

Row 1: Billy Buttons; Timmy Turner

Row 2: Lauren Wallace; Jenny Junebug

Sitting in the concession area with his mom, Lauren downs some of his RC Cola before going back to his corn dog and crinkle fries.

Billy and Timmy wander over to Lauren's table, obviously to throw some jabs.

"We thought you were lightning waiting to strike?" Timmy said. "It didn't look like it out there on the track. Plus you almost got beat out by a girl."

"Not just any girl;" Billy interjected, "his Girl-Friend. Ha ha ha! At least you have the best seat in the house to watch me win tonight."

Lauren removes his sunglasses and takes the toothpick out of his mouth. "I am lightning ready to strike," he snipped. "The one thing you forget about lightning, is that you can't predict it. You never know when or where it is going to strike."

"I qualified third on purpose, Billy," he added. "I'm that good. I qualify when I want, where I want. Now you'll know I'm behind you, right on your bumper, the whole time; worrying about where I am, what I am doing and when I'm gonna strike or put you into the wall. And while you're too busy worrying about me on your tail, you'll make a mistake, get loose, and then ... CRACK ... Lauren Wallace has struck again. You'll look back and not see me there anymore and think 'Where the heck did he go?' and by the time you get your head turned back around, I'm already two car lengths ahead and pulling away."

"Whatever, Lauren," Billy responded. "You are so full of it. You haven't beaten me once yet this year."

"Hey, Billy, Krispy Creme called and said if you don't stop eating so many doughnuts, they're gonna pull your sponsorship," Lauren said. "Plus, you've wrecked me twice on the last lap to win. Try winning on your own for once - I still have more wins than you this year. How do you explain that?"

"Don't sweat him, Billy," Timmy rushed in to defense. "He's just mad because Row 2 is an all-girls row. Right, LAU-REN?"

The boys always give Lauren grief about his name, especially since he was given the girl's version of the name. Not the male version, Loren, but the female version. He always wondered why, and on one trip, his mother explained to him that his father is a huge Johnny Cash and Bonanza fan.

And one of Cash's more famous songs, "A Boy named Sue" talks about a father who named his son Sue in order to ensure he would grow up tough. So, to ensure his son would be a tough boys-boy, mans-man, he named him Lauren - also after Big Ben Cartwright, Loren Greene, from Bonanza (yes, it is Lorne Greene - blame his father, not me).

"Real mature fellas," Lauren retorted. "Don't come crying to me when Jenny runs cirlces around both of you, making you the laughing stock of the series. And she's not my gir--"

"Laaauuu-rrreeeenn!" came the sweet-pitched southern bell accent from accross the concession area.

"Oh, great," Lauren grumbled. "Mom, don't we have somewhere to go or something?"

"Hi Lauren! Hi Mrs. Wallace!" Jenny exclaimed in her excited 10-year-old girlie voice.

Her face scowled and her voice dropped to a nearly evil octave as she turned to the other boys, "Billy. Timmy. Don't you boys need to get in a little more practice before you lose tonight?"

Jenny sits down on the bench right next to Lauren's mom - right across from Lauren - "So when did you guys get here, Lauren? Where are you staying? There's a few motorcoaches gathering down at the Wal-Mart parking lot and we're all just hanging out."

"Maybe we will join you," Lauren's mom said. "Is your mom here? Sounds like fun."

"Mom!" Lauren interjects. Lauren stands up at the table, grabs the toothpick out of his mouth and spikes it to the ground. "You're killing me!" He then grabs his tray and heads to the trash recepticle.

"ALL JUNIOR COMPETITORS TO THE CONFERENCE ROOM FOR YOUR PRE-RACE BRIEFING. PARENTS ARE REQUIRED TO ATTEND."

"Saved by the bell," Lauren mumbled to himself.

TO BE CONTINUTED: MONDAY (post race)

Note: These are all fictional stories of fictional people. The Misadventures of Lauren Wallace will run concurrently with the NASCAR schedule in several segments each week.

Lauren Wallace is the third cousin (once removed) of Rusty and Mike Wallace; and these are his adventures. Many have speculated as to his relation to the Wallace family, due in part to his attitude - when Mike is so passive and Rusty, is well Rusty. He is third cousins (once removed), so there has been enough genetic interferrance to negate any significant damage Wallace DNA may have caused.

ATLANTA: Andretti Speedway, Andretti Indoor Kart Racing Center

Lauren Wallace finished his triple stack pancakes at IHOP and pulled a toothpick out of his junior sized Wrangler jeans. On his way to the track -while watching Disney/Pixar's CARS on the DVD inside the family's Dodge Caravan, Lauren's mother received a call from a potential sponsor wanting Warren as their junior circuit sponsor. But Lauren was not interested in sponsoring car insurance.

"It's beneath me," he said. "I'm like 10 years old. Who is gonna buy insurance because I'm riding around with their logo on my car? Plus, what do I get out of it? Where's the free stuff? What free stuff can I get from a car insurance company?"

At the speedway, Mrs. Wallace drops the rear gate of the stocky Featherlite trailer and Lauren climbs inside and begins pushing his kart racer out - according to Lauren , it is a kart racer, not a go-kart. "Go-karts are for kids."

After Lauren pushes his kart through the access door, his mom hands him his freshly cleaned white racing suit with its retro red-black-yellow racing strip down his left side. "Your glasses are in the case, inside the pocket, honey," she says.

The suit is believed to be a hand-me-down from Mike and/or Rusty Wallace and is a Wallace family racing tradition. Lauren also believes it to be the source of his racing power, and has vowed to take it with him into his ARCA, Nationwide, and Sprint Cup racing careers.

"Mom, knock it off," Lauren scolded. "You don't know who might be around."

Walking out of the changing room (aka: restroom), Lauren glides the oversized sun glasses on to his face, shifts his toothpicks around in his mouth, and looks around to see who else has shown up.

"Good day to lose, eh, Lauren ?" says Timmy Turner, who drove down from Richmond for the big Atlanta Juniors race. "And where's your mommy? Getting some tissue for your tears after I beat you?"

"The only thing you could beat me at Timmy is booger eating," Lauren quipped. "Hey, remind me later to introduce you to a friend of mine; the wall."

"Your wall comments never get old," said Billy Buttons, a rather chunky kid from Paducah, Kentucky who travels the country kart racing because he is a spoiled kid who's parents have more money than they know what to do with. They own a glue factory or something.

The loud speaker booms: "All junior racers to the waiting area. Qualifying begins in 10 minutes."

"It's on, boys!" Lauren said.

"Like Donkey Kong," Billy retorted. Both Lauren and Timmy laugh.

"You are so lame, Billy," Lauren said as he flipped his toothpick to the ground.

TO BE CONTINUTED: FRIDAY

Note: These are all fictional stories of fictional people. The Misadventures of Lauren Wallace will run concurrently with the NASCAR schedule in several segments each week.