If you thought the American Sports scene was goofy in 2007, get a load of what's in store for 2008:

  Sadly, the Shaquille O'Neal era in the NBA comes to a close, as the Shaq-Daddy has gotten so large his teammates can no longer escape his gravitational pull.   This has been  particularly rough on the Heat's fast break.

  Pressured to respond to the torrent of allegations regarding the use of performance-enhancing drugs by its members, the Major League Baseball Players Association continues to resist co-operation with drug testing for the league.  Instead, the union has agreed to provide funds for each team to employ a team Apologist. 

  Scottie Pippen discovers his true calling and enters the Democratic Presidential race.   Feeling he had set his sights too low, Scottie reminded our reporter that he was a better player than Michael Jordan and that the Chicago Bulls missed their chance to hire him as head coach after the firing of Scott Skiles.   Sayeth Scottie: "Everybody knows I am smarter than Hillary Clinton and a better lawyer than John Edwards.  Oh, and Oprah likes me better than Barrack Obama too."

    Sports Medicine clinics all over the world  scramble for the services of the Indianapolis Colts' orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Robert Oz, on the heals of Marvin Harrison's remarkable performance in Super Bowl XLII.  Likening Marvin's surgery to the Tommy John elbow surgery which revolutionized treatment for MLB pitchers, a spokesman for the Colts elaborated:  "Sorry we had to keep this under wraps all season.   But Marvin's bionic knee has got him running 3.8 40's. His double-back flip over the cross bar after scoring his first Super Bowl touchdown had us all thinking Flubber."  Oz claims to be working on a personality for Terrell Owens, a heart for Bill Belichick and a brain for Pacman Jones.

 While allegations from Jose Canseco's latest narc-out of fellow players over steriod use continue to rock MLB, pundits continue to ask: How can a guy who can't read, write books?

   NBA Commisisoner, David Stern takes a leave of abscence from pro basketball to serve his country as Press Secretary for President-elect, Mitt Romney.  Responding to questions about what many see as a curious choice, a spokeman for Romney responded:  "This guy was in charge of a league that saw the most heinous threat to its integrity any sport has ever seen.  Baseball's Black Sox scandal pales in comparison to the Tim Donaghy gambling fiasco.  Here you have a league completely compromised by the revelation that at least one of its referees has been actively betting on games.  Not just any games, these were games that Donaghy  was officiating,  including playoff and championship games.  And he was providing information about those games to bookies and other gamblers and apparently other referees.  In the face of all this damning information, Stern has effectively kept this investigation and the story surrounding it out of the main stream media.  If Mitt Romney had an overdue book from his grade school library it becomes front page news for the MSN, but the fact that the results of most NBA games dating back to 2005 are completely bogus doesn't  warrant a story in the press?   We told Mr. Stern he could name his price to become our Press Secretary.  The price was high, but there isn't anyone in the world outside the Mossad who could have kept the rot at the core of the NBA out of the press.  He is one gi-normous leak-stopper."

  In an unprecendented move, the WNBA has taken on a league sponsor.  While stadiums and bowl games have long been given adverting monikers, like "The Tostitos Fiesta Bowl," it will take some time to get used to referring to the league by its new name: The Birkenstocks WNBA.

  LPGA phenom, Michelle Wie, following a disappointing 2007 season, has decided to change her focus for the 2008 season.  Rather than competing in actual LPGA events where she might have to actually play a solid round of golf every once in a while, Michelle will alternate qualifying attempts on the men's tour with appearances on American Gladiator and America's Next Top Model.

  Another tumultuous season at Notre Dame brings back memories of the torturous years under Coach Gerry Faust.  The "Oust Faust" campaign finally brought the school to fire Faust and a similar campaign mounted by angry Irish alumni this season  has Charlie Weis packing his bags.  The "Schmeis Weis" bandwagon finally got the big guy his pink slip.  Sporting his trade-mark turtle neck pants, Charlie announced he was electing to have his gastric by-pass surgery reversed so that he can join  Rosie O'Donnnell, Jamarcus Russell and the now-zaftig Olson Twins on "Celebrity Competitive Eating," the latest reality TV show.

  Bill Parcells steps right up with the Miami Dolphins top pick in the 2008 NFL Draft, selecting Hawaii's gunslinger, Colt Brennan.  The Big Tuna then packages the Dolphins 2nd pick with the rights to Jason Allen, sending them to the Dallas Cowboys for Terrell Owens.  Parcells then announces that T.O. was placed on Injured Reserve for the remainder of the 2008 season, mumbling something about "brain damage."

   And remember you saw it here first, the complete AFC playoff projection for January 2008. 

San Diego smokes Tennessee, with or without the pitiful efforts of Vince Young.  Jacksonville jacks Pittsburgh once again.   Colts rip San Diego and Norv Turner goes home jobless once again.  Jags beat the Patriots senseless, both on the score board and the field of play and they wander back to Indianapolis to get smacked down for the 3rd time this season.  You can take this to the bank!

  As for the NFC-who cares?  Whoever it is loses by 3 touchdowns in the Super Bowl as the Colts repeat.

As bizarre as the year 2007 played out, what with stratospheric salaries, an omni-present media, and every Tom, Harry and Craphonso looking for his 15 minutes of fame,  2008 can only get weirder:

  Gi-normous flameout, Jamarcus Russell, doing his best Ryan Leaf imitation, will abandon the Oakland Raiders and challenge Kobiyashi of Competitive Eating fame to a cheeseburger-eating contest.  Russell is already in training with his new fitness coach, William "The Refrigerator" Perry.

  Patriot's head coach, Bill Belichick, basking in the glow of an almost perfect, 17-1 season, opts to try his hand at acting.  In a made-for-TV special, Belichick will play the Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski.  Director Martin Scorcese hand-picked Belichick for the role because he dresses like the Unabomber, has similar hygiene, and it isn't a stretch for the audience to see Coach Belichick as a deranged hermit.

  Reeling from the double-whammy of the Cowboy's loss to the Indianapolis Colts in Super Bowl XLII and subsequently being dumped by Jessica Simpson, Tony Romo goes to court and has his name legally changed to "Tony Romeo."   Romeo continues to slide down the C and D list of celebrity starlets and is caught by Paparazzi,  head freshly shaven and  snuggling with Brittany Spears

  Arthur Blank, still smarting from the firestorm of negative energy surrounding the Atlanta Falcons in 2007, signs Marcus Vick  as his new quarterback.  Blank pointed out that the Vick family has been an important part of the Atlanta community and that the younger Vick should be a model citizen under new head coach, Gary Moeller.  The former head coach at the University of Michigan has sworn to stay with the team throughout his 5 year contract and was quoted: "Who else is going to hire me anyway?"

  Roger Clemens, in a determined effort to restore his tarnished reputation, turns over a new leaf for 2008.  Reporting to the Yankees spring-training camp at a svelte 195, Clemens attributes his leaner physique to a new-found diet and exercise program.  Claiming to be tired of being a fireballer, Clemens has developed a knuckle ball and will work on his off-speed pitches.  Questioned about this alleged use of steroids and human-growth hormone, Roger fired back:  "  Would I look this thin if I were still taking, er.....I mean taking HGH?"

  An additional note from the Clemens camp reports that his attorney, Rusty Hardin, is conducting his own investigation into the possible use of performance-enhancing drugs by Clemens and others.  Not a moment too soon!  Hardin also reports that he is assisting O.J. Simpson in his Las Vegas assault and kidnapping trial.  Since O.J. may be tied up for a while, Hardin adds that he will take over O.J.'s search for the real killer as well.

  The world of professional golf is rocked by scandal in 2008, as representatives for Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els and 17 other top tour pros allege that Tiger Woods, in a complicated scheme involving clothing manufacturers, has been colluding with those companies.  It seems that all of the top tour pros have been receiving golf shirts with necks several sizes too small, causing the players to chafe and choke in Tiger's presence.  John Daly, in the boldest move on this front, has petitioned the TPA and the PGA to play shirtless this season.

  In a brilliant and deft move, controversial New York Knicks President, Isiah Thomas, while clinging to his dream of completely dismantling the Knicks, has taken a 2nd job as diplomat at the United Nations.   With his new position, Zeke  can park wherever he wants, call women "bitches" in over 100 languages, and claim diplomatic immunity for any additional crimes or civil infractions he chooses to commit.

 And the Major League Baseball Players association has finally agreed to take a stand on testing for performance-enhancing drugs.  Starting in the 2008 season and continuing through the 2009 season, the MLBPA has agreed to begin random testing on all retired members of the union.  Once results are in, the union will look at possible further testing.

 It looks like Terrell Owens is finally starting to show his true colors.  Now he is chastising the Cowboys coaches for not making sure he gets his requisite number of drops per game.  And today he started calling Jessica Simpson out for bringing bad luck to America's team.  When's the last time he checked his own ju-ju?  If there is such a thing as karma, Texas stadium will be full of coal by Christmas.

  Bob Costas in his weekly radio rant lamented the fact the Baseball Hall of Fame electors failed to enshrine Major League Baseball Player's Union architect, Marvin Miller.  We think its just a matter of time:  Miller's bust will be going up in Cooperstown just as Satan drops the puck for the first NHL game in Hell. 

  Hope Santa has a tanker truck full of Geritol for that pitiful looking Baltimore Ravens squad.  Is it really possible to watch a team age right before your eyes?  Nobody in the NFL has been worse over the last 7 weeks and the Ravens are 0-Fer including bowing to the lowly Dolphins.

  Has anybody seen or heard from the Colts' Marvin Harrison over the last 10 weeks?  I know the superstar wide-out likes to lay low and keep to himself, but has their even been a Marvin sighting?  No better present for Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning than a healed up, rested Marvelous Marvin for the playoffs....

  And How 'bout those 5 crazy Falcons sporting their "Free Michael Vick" t-shirts and putting on a mini-demonstration on the sidelines during Sunday's game with the Saints?   Is it really possible to be that far out of touch with reality and the public sentiment?  Maybe this was Santa's gift to PETA....

   The Indiana Pacers have now decided that they will keep Jamal Tinsley out of jail or an early grave by  providing him with his own personal security guard to accompany him on his late night search for meaning and ho's.  There is just no way this could go wrong.....

   In his column, the controversial and entertaining Jason Whitlock came to the defense of Donovan McNabb, proclaiming that Donovan was one of the top 5 quarterbacks in the league.  Hmmm, let's see now, there's Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Tony Romo, Brett Favre, Drew Brees, David Garrard, Ben Rothlisberger, Carson Palmer,  Eli Manning.. please stop me when you get to the guy you would give up in exchange for McNabb.  Maybe Santa could get Jason signed as the new Patriots GM.  It would certainly be a gift for the rest of the league!

   The Big Tuna, Bill Parcells has been nosing around the vacated coaching job in Atlanta and its being suggested that he may coach the Dolphins.  What  could possibly be a better match up for the Fish?  And make no mistake about it,  Wade Phillips got his Christmas gift last fall when he was hired to coach that Cowboy team put together by Parcells.

  And how about Senator Mitchell's gift to all of us old time baseball fans?  What could be more satisfying than watching a bunch of cheating, spoiled millionaires squirm and twist in the media wind?  Looks like Roger Clemens would have been just another aging lard-bag without some Androl and Human Growth Hormone.   If he really thinks he is being slandered he can file that lawsuit.  What a pious, bullying fraud!

  Here's wishing the whitest of Christmases for the New England Patriots:  A densely packed stadium full of snow may well test that ground game that is so sorely out of practice.  All I want from Santa is for the Colts to play in New England in the AFC Championshp game, bringing the Pats season to an inglorious 17-1.  What could be sweeter?

    Felice Navidad!

    The University of Michigan holds a special place in the history of college football.  The early history of college football in America literally revolves around the victors of the game who hailed from Ann Arbor.  From the "Point-a-Minute" juggernauts coached by Fielding Yost from 1901-1905, through the mid-century dynamos coached by Fritz Crisler and Bennie Oosterbaan, the Wolverines churned out victories across the nation and right on into the bowl season.   Many of the finest players in the history of the game made their mark at Michigan, including legends like Adolph "Germany" Schutlz, Tom Harmon, Dan Dierdorf, Anthony Carter, Reggie McKenzie, Ron Kramer, the afore-mentioned Bernie Oosterbaan (3 time all-American), Gerald Ford and even that Tommy-come-lately who quarterbacks for the New England Patriots.

  Their uniforms are a brilliant combination of maize and blue and their fight song ("Hail to the Victors") is arguably the best in the nation.  The university has a long and storied history of academic excellence, despite what many consider a recent decline based on political correctness and left-fringe moonbat political leanings.   Clearly the University of Michigan can recruiting favorably with  most of the other major schools in the country, excepting perhaps the glamourous warm-weather football factory at USC.

  So why has the University of Michigan won a grand total of 1 National Championship since 1948?   On the basis of the available evidence, it appears that they have been sorely out-coached.   Michigan's big problem in the modern football era, is that  the offenses have become more spread out and the game has relied more on speed and the skill positions.  Meanwhile, Michigan's  coaches have been stuck in the "3 yards and a cloud of dust" mentality that  was the stock in trade of the pre-war era Big 10.   Since the hiring of Bo Schembechler, the team has wallowed in mediocrity, with the occaisional burst of brilliance.  If the University of Michigan and its fans want to move forward and compete for national championships, they need to shake off the lingering ineptitude and dated mindset of the Schembechler era.

  I know Bo Schembechler remains beloved by legions of Wolverine fans.  My Dad was one of his biggest proponents.  But the simple fact of the matter is that Bo seldom won a big game.  Bo grew up in the shadow of his mentor, Woody Hayes, with both coaches serving ably at Miami of Ohio.  In Bo's playing days at the Miami of Ohio, he played under two of the greatest coaches in the history of football.  His first coach was Sid Gillman, offensive genius.   Apparently Bo forgot everything he ever learned from Gillman.   When Gillman left to coach the University of Cincinnati, the fiery Woody Hayes took over.   Bo chose to emulate the style and coaching demeanor of Hayes.

   When both became Big 10 coaches, the rivalry was on.  While they had very similar Big 10 coaching records (Woody was 152-38-7 while Bo went 143-24-1 with each winning 13 Big 10 Championships), their post season records speak volumes.   Woody won 5 National Championships.  Bo won 0.  Woody was 4-4 in the Rose Bowl and Bo 2-8.  Woody coached 29 1st round picks into the NFL, while Bo helped 13 players get drafted first.

    Coaching at the Big 10 level, or at any of the major colleges is a complicated endeavor.  It requires multiple skills, primarily recruiting and coaching skills.  The coach must convince the best players to come to play for him, then he has to provide them with the training and guidance to use their skills most effectively.   Of course, marketing, motivation, leadership  and administrative skills are involved as well, but it seems that Michigan's problem remains that they get out-recuited and when they aren't recruited, they are out-coached.  Woody coached 3 Heisman Trophy winners, Bo 0.   Woody produced 56 All-Americans, Bo 39.

   Both of the coaches that followed Bo are former Schembechler assistants.   I submit to you that the average University of Michigan fan doesn't consider a Big 10 Championship and a loss in a semi-major bowl game as an acceptable level of performance for this once great university.  Since 1969 Nebraska has won 5 national championships.  (Ok, so they are struggling now, but they will resume their rightful place in college football once they shake off the Callahan blues.)   Southern Cal has won 5 and looks ready to rip off a few more.    Texas has won 3.    The Sunshine State's schools ( Florida, Florida State and Miami) have won 10!  Oklahoma has won 4.  Michigan's name is always mentioned in the same breath with these schools, yet they have only been able to score 1 National Championship in the last 60 years.

  You want excellence?  Fielding Yost's Michigan teams from 1901 to 1905 had a combined record of 55-1-1!  They averaged 575.2 points per game for an average of  50.44 points per game. Of course no one expects anything like this kind of dominance, but this was where the legend was formed.  I would suggest that Michigan fans expect to be in contention for the National Championship every year.  Nothing less.

     Word to University of Michigan Athletics Administration:  I am sure you have deep connections with the Schembechler coaching tree.  Sever those.   There is a brilliant and hungry coach down I-23 from you that is a proven winner.  Jim Tressel has hung you out  to dry 6 times out of the last 7.  And HE has won a National Title.  How are you going to beat him?   Your university is rolling in dough and has plenty of money available to offer to a proven winner.  Is the Les Miles deal really dead?  It's hard to tell these days with guys like Nick Saban makng it impossible to believe anything proffered by a coach on the fence.  Find a guy that understands speed and how to open up the offensive side of the equation.   Supply him with  tall salaries to hire the finest group of offensive assistants in the land.  Its the least you can after providing Michigan fans with the same disappointing  approach year in and year out.   Please turn this last , pitiful Lloyd Carr debacle into a plus by finding the new Fielding Yost!

I offer this paean in memory of the tragic death of Washington Redskin,  Sean Taylor.  I draw my inspiriration from the early 20th century elegiac poetry of A.E. Housman, specifically:  "an Athlete Dying Young." The introduction is a from T.S. Eliot's Wasteland- the Death by Water stanza.

         Phlebas the Phoenician, a fortnight dead,

            Forgot the cry of gulls, and the deep sea swells,

                And the profit and the loss.

                                                    A current under sea

picked his bones in whispers. As he rose and fell

                                      he passed the stages of his age and youth

                                             entering the whirlpool.

                                     Gentile or Jew

  O you who turn the wheel and look to windward

              Consider Phlebas, who once was handsome

                                             and tall as you.

The time you won your team the game

    We cheered you on, and showered fame

 Upon you.  We held you up as though a rock

 Star.  We knew not the time remaining on the clock.

 To-day the path of thugs and gangstas

 Ends where yours ends, we feel the pangs

Of loss and grief but wonder how you

Waste such strength and skill and now you

Break our hearts and leave us puzzled

At least Michael Vick survived and muzzled

Has another shot at glory or another

Day to see the light, your journey other

Places wends, unknown, uncertain

You disappear behind the curtain of

Eternity.

A once bright flame extinguished.

Once strong and fast and so distinguished

From the ordinary mortal: God's gifts

Were surely meant to lift

Us closer to him and to truth.

But alas, you have been brought low by brutes.

Perhaps you felt beyond their sting

Your bravado and your bling

No match for a thuggish glock.

Your demise, like that of Tupac

Steals from our joy.

Sleep well and teach the boys

Of Autumn how cold the ground

Where star-crossed lives become unwound.

Ralph Alter