A response to Moss :

  Just because your campaign to get Moss selected as MVP blew up in your face, doesn't mean you can make the thug into a choirboy.   There is a Cowboy Junkies song that sums it up best: 

A man in a crisis falls back on what he knows best:

  A murderer to murder;  a thief to theft.

Moss is just falling back on what he knows best:  getting physical when he can't get his own way.   Too bad there isn't a replay available, I'm sure it would show that Moss was just pushing off,  as usual.  Bad actors generally find the worst possible time to screw up and Moss is no exception.  I am really surprised that he was able to keep his inner punk in check for this long.   As I said in my blog last week, the Pats wannabe the new Raiders, and Randy wants to be the poster boy. 

Just post bail baby!~

Maximumralph

As the NFL gears up for the divisional championships, its time for a brief  and embellished look at the week in sports:

The New England Patriots, released their new team slogan, "Resident Evil" to the media today along with the announcement that they have acquired the rights to the Titan's Pacman Jones.  A spokesman for the Pats announced:  "We feel we are the 21st century version of the Oakland Raiders.  The acquisition of Randy Moss has been so successful that we are expanding our free agent search.  Send us your cast-offs, troublemakers and miscreants. " Informed sources reveal that Bill Belichick has representatives negotiating with the parole board at Leavenworth in order to secure an early release for Michael Vick.  Rumor has it Belichick has lawyers working with agents for Rae Carruth as well.

Looks like those Dallas Cowboys fans, fearing that celebrity airhead Jessica Simpson would bring bad luck to the Cowboys games, were right on the money.  America's Team supporters now refer to Ms. Simpson as Yoko Romo.

T.O.'s blubbering performance post-game in Dallas continues to demonstrate the wacky wide receiver's emotional stablity.  Who does he think he is, Hillary Clinton?

 The San Francisco 49er's, in a desperate move to acquire the 1st draft pick in the 2009 NFL draft,  hired Mike Martz as offensive co-ordinator.   Despite the fact that Martz's work for the Detroit Lions as co-ordinator left them trailing the almost perfectly inept Miami Dolphins for the 2008 premier selection, the 49er's braintrust felt they didn't need to drop much further to secure the rights to Tim Tebow. 

Roger Clemens continues his relentless pursuit of the title Most Hated Man in Sports.   The sputtering Rocket's inarticulate bullying and preposterous legal maneuvering continue to reveal the fact that no one in America ever really liked him much anyway.

Volunteer media punching bag, Isiah Thomas remains on Clemens' heals, with a surgically precise evisceration of the once proud New York Knicks basketball franchise.  As of today, the Knicks have a .265 winning percentage.  The Knicks are horrible on the court, pounded in the press and they are handing out lawsuit money like Mike Tyson at a car dealership.  Are there any adults left in charge in the Knicks' front office? 

In a surprise announcement, Indianapolis Colts head coach Tony Dungy will be retiring and will join Dancing with the Stars.  The 2008 fall lineup includes a number of figures from professional sports including Yao Ming of the Houston Rockets, Butterbean of professional boxing fame and tennis star Martina Navratilova.  Producers aren't quite sure who they will partner up with Navratilova, but are working on the details.

The spector of drug use now haunts the world of golf, as the ReMax World's Long Driving Championship came to a close on Christmas day.  It seems Mike Dobbyn's 385 yard poke was bested by Seniors divsion winner, Frank Miller.  Miller's drive was measured at 394 yards.  When tour officials were asked if it was believed steriods were being used, they replied: "No, we think it was Viagra."

Congratulations are in order for the recently engaged Greg "Shark" Norman and tennis champion, Chris Evert.   Chris was seen sporting a 5 carat engagement ring.  As expected, publicity hungry athletes have forged a number of copy-cat engagements in order to get their names back in the news.  Word has it John Daly and Tonya Harding are hooking up. They sealed their engagement with a beer can pull-tab serving as the ring. 

More smooth moves from "Miguel" Simpson, better known as O.J. to most of us, as the Juice put the squeeze on one of his co-defendants in a prohibited phone call.  Clearly in violation of his probationary requirement to not make contact with his co-defendants, O.J. was brought in by agents from You Ring We Spring Bail Bonds of North Las Vegas.  News reports did not include the full alias used by Simpson, but "Miguel Mexico" has a nice ring to it.   The Juice must love that jailhouse cookin'! 

Indiana Pacers President of Basketball Operations, Larry Bird, today announced a series of lectures based on his forthcoming book, "Discipline Your Team like Dr. Spock."  Rejecting the stern, disciplinarian approach favored by coaches like Bobby Knight and John Wooden, Bird has elected a gentler path, more in keeping with the teachings of 50's permissive, Dr. Spock.  The team's lack of success in recent seasons, with constant disruptions from players like Ron Artest, Jamal Tinsley, Shawne Williams and David Harrison speaks volumes about Bird's approach.  As a motivator and coach, Bird looked pretty slick.  As a personnel director and policy enforcer, he truly looks like a hick from French Lick.

The unspoken tragedy surrounding the Marion Jones performance-enhancing drug/perjury scandal is the fact that she didn't have to use them!  Jones would likely have been OIympic champion without using any enhancers. Truly gifted with speed and beauty and grace and strength, she still elected to cheat.  This would be like Tiger Woods executing a foot-mashie to kick his ball out of a bad lie, or Bill Belichick video-taping the sideline signals of his opponents.  Why cheat when you can win fair and square? 

Just because New England is  successful with Randy Moss in the line-up doesn't mean that he is no longer a cancer.  The Patriots are simply in remisssion.

  Before I provide my fearless prognostications for this weekend's NFL playoff match-ups, let's take a look at how  last season's match-ups developed.  The Patriots had a bye in the first round and the Colts knocked off Kansas City.  In the 2nd round, Indy travelled to Baltimore and knocked off the once powerful Ravens.   Hard to believe the disparity between last season's Raven juggernaut and their pitiful 2007 squad!  But I digress...

  The Chargers looked like the best team in the league, going 14-2, but they were matched with the Patriots, always a stalwart playoff opponent and battle-tested and ready.    Thanks to a couple of dunderheaded Schottenheimer moves and some odd ovoid bounces New England prevailed, which brought the AFC championship back to Indy.

   We are now at a similar point in the season, with 3 of last season's participants remaining.  This week,  San Diego travels to Indy and the fresh face in the semi-finals belongs to the Jacksonville Jaguars, who now confront the unbeaten Patriots in Foxborough.

  The Colts season has been remarkable, although a bit star-struck, remaining in the shadows of New England's unbeaten regular season.  The number of injuries the Colts have suffered should have seen them in the middle of the pack in the AFC South, demonstrably the best division in the NFL.  They lost nose-tackle Booger MacFarlane to injury before the regular season began.  Their 10 time All Pro offensive tackle, Tarik Glenn, surprised the team by retiring before the season began as well. They have played without Hall of Fame lock Marvin Harrison for the last 10 weeks and without Dwight Freeney, arguably the best pass rusher in the business, for the last  8.  They played several games with zero regular starters on the defensive front four.  The Colts reached down and drudged up the unfortunately named Craphonso Thorpe and Houston's taxi -squad reject Devin Aromashodu to bolster a receiving corps forced to play without Dallas Clark, rookie Anthony Gonzales and both tight ends,  Ben Utecht and Brian Fletcher. The O-line has been similary banged up but rookies and journeyman have ably replaced veterans forced to sit out.  All of these injuries were compounded by the fact that the Colts lost both starting safeties and an outstanding linebacker, Cato June, to free agency.

 One would think that  the Indianapolis Colts are due for a few good breaks.  But the breaks shouldn't  matter, because this team just keeps on winning, regardless of how deep they reach into their reserves.  Subtract one big play by the Patriots and Adam Vinateri's missed field goal at the close of the Chargers game, and it would have been the Colts who were playing in week 17 against the Tennessee Titans to clinch an unbeaten season.

 And now the picks:

Even if most of the breaks work against them, the Colts will be moving on to the AFC Championship Game again this season.  While last season's San Diego Chargers squad was awe-inspiring and truly a physical, imposing team, this year's group seems lackluster and unfocused, struggling through a weak schedule to the number 3 seed.   Sure they have a 7 game winning streak, but during this streak they have beaten exactly one team with a winning record, the Tennesse Titans.  As I have contended all season, the Titans are essentially playing without a quarterback.  NFL teams are supposed to be able to beat a wishbone offense.  While the Bolts beat the Colts 23-21 in week 10 in San Diego, this was a Dr. Strangelove/Dr. Seuss kind of game:  in the rain, Colts in pain, Peyton's brain somewhere else.  Serious handicappers recognize the need to throw out the anomolies when making their picks and that match-up was not an accurate reflection of either team's ability or modus operandi.

  Philip Rivers looks uneven on his best days, and the Titans demonstrated that the once-feared LT is eminently stoppable.   While the Chargers defense should be rested after facing the underwhelming Titans O, the Colts Lightning Offense will have them back on their heels and huffing and puffing early.  Reggie Wayne has been unstoppable of late and Dallas Clark remains as dangerous as any receiver in the league. There are even suggestions of a Marvin Harrison sighting.  Peyton,quick to the line of scrimmage and highly cognizant of the other coach's manuevers,  won't let the Titans make defensive substitutions and Joseph Addai should improve on the minor gashing the Titans Pillsbury Doughboy, Lendale White, was able to inflict on the Bolts.  If all else fails everyone knows the Colts will have the heat turned up in the Hoosier Dome and their patented, piped-in crowd noise will reduce Rivers to a whimpering, puddle of fumbles, miscues and sacks.  Colts 35, Bolts 14.

  Now, about that game up in Foxborough:

  The weatherman is calling for clear skies, a boon to the Brady bunch, although the temperatures hovering in the 40 degree range might make pitching and catching just slightly more difficult.  Of course, the Pats are used to the New England cold, so we can't say the weather will be a factor.   What the Pats aren't used to is trying to tackle a speeding anvil lathered in grease.   Maurice Jones-Drew, the Pocket Hercules, is as elusive as the legendary Barry Sanders but even more powerful.  His extremely low center of gravity combined with his speed and cutting ability, make Jones-Drew tough to tackle both in the open field and in the heart of the battle as well.   Mixing up the carries with Fred Jones should keep the aging Patriots defenders from adjusting to either back's pace and movement.    Now I know that Adalius Thomas is on the back end of his prime, but Junior Seau is 37, Vrabel and Brushci and Izzo all have 12 seasons in the league and have shown signs of slowing in the 2nd half of the season.   Rodney Harris is 35 and probably off the steroids he used that got him suspended for 4 games early in the season.   Since he says he took them to help him recuperate from injuries ("rather than to get a competitive edge."), he ought to be a little nicked up this late in the season.   An aging defense with relatively little speed will begin to get shown up after a couple quarters of getting pounded by the Jags relentless running attack.  Garrard is a very capable runner as well, but unlike Vince Young, Garrard has pocket presence and makes very few mistakes with the ball.   With a quarterback rating of 102.2 and only 3 interceptions, Garrard seems the ideal quarterback to help Del Rio's team keep the Brady and Moss bunch glaring on the sidelines.

 Yes, I know the evil hoodie genius will provide a defensive scheme with more wrinkles than a shar-pei,  but Garrard protected the ball better than every other quarterback in the NFL this season, and Jack Del Rio's game plan will emphasize the need for absoluting minimizing turnovers.   It doesn't seem likely that the threat of Lawrence Maroney running the ball will be able to keep the Jag defenders honest: they should be teeing off on Brady and might even muss his carefullly coifed locks a time or two.  I suspect Brady will give up 2 or 3 picks-certainly more than Garrard.  Jacksonville's biggest obstacle will be to keep from collecting chippy penalties:  the Colts have succeeded in luring the Jags into several roughing and unsportsmanlike penalties in their 2 victories over the Jags this season.  Del Rio must have his team nearly penalty free if they expect to knock off  ESPN's Team of the Century. 

  The Patriots are feeling a lot more pressure in this game than the Jaguars.  Throughout a remarkable regular season New England has been able to back up the trash talking and bragadoccio, most of it coming from their chowderhead fans.  There is a new bully in the neighborhood this week though, and they have only one game to win or lose.  The Patriots have the burden of playing for the Ages and this might just take things out of focus.  The Devil is in the details and the final score will be:

Jacksonville 27 New England 20.

Jacksonville will play Indianapolis for the 3rd time this season for the AFC Championship in Indianapolis.

What a relief to escape the heavy breathing over the Patriots for a week!    I truly believe we went almost a week without the media's incessant braying about the "Greatest Team in the History of the Universe."  Tom Brady will have to go back to asking his mirror:  "Whose ho's are finest of them all?"   Two more wins and Brady will be nominated for beatification and Randy Moss will have to give up his street cred....

After the Jaguars pound the Patriots into submission this week Maurice Jones-Drew and John Henderson will have to go into the witness-protection program.

Is it just a co-incidence that Martina Hingis and Roger Clemens have both opted for retirement?  Martina's agent says she doesn't use cocaine, she just likes the way it smells. True sports fans all across America should beg the Steroid Rocket to come back just one more time.  It would be a joy to watch him serve up that 37 mph fastball he's sporting without his cheating boosters.  Retiring is the ultimate admission of guilt for Clemens-there is no way he retires if he could still compete.  Obviously, without the juice, he can't.

Got to give credit where credit is due:  The perfomance by Seattle's punter,  Ryan Plackemeier,  may have been the greatest performance in post-season history by a punter.  Every kick was executed to perfection with the Redskins getting 0 yards in returns.  Not one punt was returned a single yard and all of them were inside the 10 yard line!  How do you get any better than that?

Note to Titan's coach Jeff Fisher:  Nice defense and solid offensive line play.  Now wake up and trade Vince Young while you he still has signficant trade value.  Young will never be a top level NFL quarterback.  Take that wishbone, wishful thinking to the trading table and draft a pocket passer.  Young's instinct is to run at the first sign of trouble.  With a bit of pocket presence the Titan's could have stolen that game from the woefully underacheiving Chargers offense.

Speaking of woefull under-achievers, how 'bout that Redskins offense?  I didn't think it was possible to make the Smells-Like-Team-Spirit Seahawks look good.   Here's a line for Hasselbeck vs the Packers:  We're taking the collar and we're going to choke!

Is there any doubt that the AFC South is hands-down the best division in football?  The post-season was an Albert Haynesworth tantrum away from having 3 of the 4 teams in the division finals from the South.  And Gary Kubiak's Texans ain't no patsies, either!

And what about that wacky Hanynesworth? It's bad enough to jump offsides at a critical moment, Albert.  Dusting Philip Rivers probably cost your team the game.  You read it here first:  this head-stomping, Pacman-taunting fuming mountain of blubber will come to a bad end.  And soon.  I'm sure his file is sitting on the corner of Roger Goodell's desk.  Can anyone be that filled with rage on their own natural body chemistry?

Did you know that Peyton Manning had a little brother?  At least the guy that showed up in Tampa looked like a Manning.  Nice work Eli.  Your team looks a lot more like a winner now that that back-stabbing poser named after a patio torch is getting paid to mouth off.  I believe there will be a come-to-Jesus meeting down in Dallas this weekend and Tony Romo had better have been saying his nevers.  Right now Eli looks like the better quarterback.

Props offered to Bob Sanders, All-World safety for the Indianapolis Colts, announced as Defensive Player of the Year for the NFL, and justly so.  We know that 2/3rds of the earth is covered by water and the rest is covered by Bob Sanders.  Do you know how you can tell which wide receivers dared to run slant routes in front of Bob Sanders?  Dental records.

 And I will close this week's early rant with my Worst Coach of the Year award.  Sure its easy to pick the top coaches, but who really played the biggest role in sucking the mojo out of his team?  Topping the list, you gotta love Bobby Petrino.  Talk about kicking someone when they are down, this dirt-eating slug high-tailed it the moment he got the chance.   Probably unable and absolutely unwilling to make the sacrifice necessary to help his team.  They never recovered from the wrenchingly miserable conclusion to a bad draft pick that no one ever imagined could have gone so horribly wrong.  There's some powerful bad karma down in Atlanta.   Petrino may think he escaped it, but he probably just dragged his part down to Fayetteville.  Pigs get fat and hogs get slaughtered!

Degenerate gamblers will look back upon 2007 as a Golden Year for NFL picking.  Not since 1985 when the Giants, 49er's and yes, da Bears ran rough-shod over the meager competition have bettors had such a decided advantage.   When the disparity between the upper echelon teams and the scrubs is greatest, the opportunities for Harry the Horse and Good Time Charlie progresse in an almost Malthusian check on the bookies fortunes.  This year will go down as one for the ages:  the Patriots were a lock for 3/4 of the season, and the Dolphins were too, although they were a lock to lose and not cover.  If you hung with the Packers and Cowboys at the beginning of the year and bet against the 49er's, Jets, and Detroit in the 2nd half of the season, you can probably skip your coupon clipping this winter.

  The wise player should be able to sail through the playoffs pocketing profits as the line-up includes only a handful of solid clubs and a gaggle of pretenders just eking out one more paycheck before they get bounced.  It's one and out for the teams that wobbled into their berths.  Here is your primer to bookie wallet extraction this playoff season:

  Tennessee at San Diego -9:  Despite the fact that the genuises in San Diego passed on Drew Brees to keep Phillip (Wounded Duck) Rivers, the Chargers have righted the ship and stopped taking on water.   While we're not high on the Chargers at all this season, what with the team chemistry of the Soviet Politburo and a head coach in his last job in pro football, the Titans are a wasted draft choice or two away from being unable to score a touchdown in the playoffs.  I know you Titan fans think Vince Young is the greatest thing since Michael Vick: well so do I.  He has no more business being an NFL quarterback than. say, Kerry Collins.  14 touchdowns and 30 interceptions?   Jeff Fischer is probably on his knees at night praying for Young to beg off this one, so Collins can ride to the rescue as he did against the Colts in meaningless game 16.   The Titans lost at home to the Chargers 23-17 in overtime early in December, but won't be able to exact revenge as they are nearly incapable of scoring.  San Diego 29-Tennessee 7.

  Jacksonville at Pittsburgh +1.5:   There must be tons of  latent, automatic Steeler money out there for the handicappers to make the Jags such a short favorite.   The Jaguars literally beat the snot out of the Steelers in Pittsburgh on December 16, outgaining them 421 yards to 217.  The Jaguars are actually the NEW Steelers, usurping the old Steel Curtain's reputation for physical football characterized by a hard-hitting defense and a powerful running attack.   And David Garrard is no-Big Ben: he protects the football a lot better.   Wise bettors know that football is a game of emotion and Jack Del Rio will have the Jags sky high for this one.  I have a feeling Pittsburgh's heart won't be in it after the first few pops.    Get a 2nd mortgage on the house and put it all on the Jags:  Jacksonville 27 -Pittsburgh 10.

 And in the lightweight division:

  New York Giants at Tampa Bay-3:  Tom Coughlin and his struggling Giants deserve our heartfelt thanks for the determined effort they  put up against the Patriots in week 16.  We are sorry they lost, but the Pats won't be playing in the Super Bowl and that will be the sweetest of desserts.   Looks like Eli has his game on again with Plaxico back, but the absence of Jeremy Shockey will hurt against this solid Bucs defense.  (Now when I say solid, I mean NFC solid.  On October 7 against the Colts, the Bucs got ripped 33-14 and the Colts played without Joseph Addai and Marvin Harrison, among others. Just ask Jon Gruden about how the Colt's offense toyed with his defense:  ergo the "lightweight" moniker.)  I like Eli, but he's certainly no Peyton and the Bucs should fool him with the Cover 2 and intercept several of his offerings.   Garcia is a good ball-control quarterback, albeit a 2nd tier one, and he will protect the ball enough to get Tampa to the next level.  Tampa 22-New York 19.  Looks like the books got this one pegged on the nose.  Better pass on it. 

  Washingon at Seattle -3:  Wow! Talk about your marquis match-ups!  I know America can't wait to watch Tod Collins battle Seneca Wallace this week.  Or will Hasselback be fit to play?  Does that make it any more interesting?   Washinton has all the feel-good press and a bit of momentum going in to this meaningless tune-up for the victor's destruction at the hands of the Cowboys or Packers.   Unless your Lunesta has run short, I suggest you pass on this sleep inducer.   The word "under" comes to mind for both teams:  Under-achieving, under-performing and under-interesting for starters.   Find the over/under number from your local book and ride the under on a short play:  Washington 16-Seattle 14.

Tune in next week when it really starts to get interesting.  The Jaguars will be opening  a 30 gallon drum of whup-ass in Foxborough and I will be glad to walk you though it!