Before I provide my fearless prognostications for this weekend's NFL playoff match-ups, let's take a look at how  last season's match-ups developed.  The Patriots had a bye in the first round and the Colts knocked off Kansas City.  In the 2nd round, Indy travelled to Baltimore and knocked off the once powerful Ravens.   Hard to believe the disparity between last season's Raven juggernaut and their pitiful 2007 squad!  But I digress...

  The Chargers looked like the best team in the league, going 14-2, but they were matched with the Patriots, always a stalwart playoff opponent and battle-tested and ready.    Thanks to a couple of dunderheaded Schottenheimer moves and some odd ovoid bounces New England prevailed, which brought the AFC championship back to Indy.

   We are now at a similar point in the season, with 3 of last season's participants remaining.  This week,  San Diego travels to Indy and the fresh face in the semi-finals belongs to the Jacksonville Jaguars, who now confront the unbeaten Patriots in Foxborough.

  The Colts season has been remarkable, although a bit star-struck, remaining in the shadows of New England's unbeaten regular season.  The number of injuries the Colts have suffered should have seen them in the middle of the pack in the AFC South, demonstrably the best division in the NFL.  They lost nose-tackle Booger MacFarlane to injury before the regular season began.  Their 10 time All Pro offensive tackle, Tarik Glenn, surprised the team by retiring before the season began as well. They have played without Hall of Fame lock Marvin Harrison for the last 10 weeks and without Dwight Freeney, arguably the best pass rusher in the business, for the last  8.  They played several games with zero regular starters on the defensive front four.  The Colts reached down and drudged up the unfortunately named Craphonso Thorpe and Houston's taxi -squad reject Devin Aromashodu to bolster a receiving corps forced to play without Dallas Clark, rookie Anthony Gonzales and both tight ends,  Ben Utecht and Brian Fletcher. The O-line has been similary banged up but rookies and journeyman have ably replaced veterans forced to sit out.  All of these injuries were compounded by the fact that the Colts lost both starting safeties and an outstanding linebacker, Cato June, to free agency.

 One would think that  the Indianapolis Colts are due for a few good breaks.  But the breaks shouldn't  matter, because this team just keeps on winning, regardless of how deep they reach into their reserves.  Subtract one big play by the Patriots and Adam Vinateri's missed field goal at the close of the Chargers game, and it would have been the Colts who were playing in week 17 against the Tennessee Titans to clinch an unbeaten season.

 And now the picks:

Even if most of the breaks work against them, the Colts will be moving on to the AFC Championship Game again this season.  While last season's San Diego Chargers squad was awe-inspiring and truly a physical, imposing team, this year's group seems lackluster and unfocused, struggling through a weak schedule to the number 3 seed.   Sure they have a 7 game winning streak, but during this streak they have beaten exactly one team with a winning record, the Tennesse Titans.  As I have contended all season, the Titans are essentially playing without a quarterback.  NFL teams are supposed to be able to beat a wishbone offense.  While the Bolts beat the Colts 23-21 in week 10 in San Diego, this was a Dr. Strangelove/Dr. Seuss kind of game:  in the rain, Colts in pain, Peyton's brain somewhere else.  Serious handicappers recognize the need to throw out the anomolies when making their picks and that match-up was not an accurate reflection of either team's ability or modus operandi.

  Philip Rivers looks uneven on his best days, and the Titans demonstrated that the once-feared LT is eminently stoppable.   While the Chargers defense should be rested after facing the underwhelming Titans O, the Colts Lightning Offense will have them back on their heels and huffing and puffing early.  Reggie Wayne has been unstoppable of late and Dallas Clark remains as dangerous as any receiver in the league. There are even suggestions of a Marvin Harrison sighting.  Peyton,quick to the line of scrimmage and highly cognizant of the other coach's manuevers,  won't let the Titans make defensive substitutions and Joseph Addai should improve on the minor gashing the Titans Pillsbury Doughboy, Lendale White, was able to inflict on the Bolts.  If all else fails everyone knows the Colts will have the heat turned up in the Hoosier Dome and their patented, piped-in crowd noise will reduce Rivers to a whimpering, puddle of fumbles, miscues and sacks.  Colts 35, Bolts 14.

  Now, about that game up in Foxborough:

  The weatherman is calling for clear skies, a boon to the Brady bunch, although the temperatures hovering in the 40 degree range might make pitching and catching just slightly more difficult.  Of course, the Pats are used to the New England cold, so we can't say the weather will be a factor.   What the Pats aren't used to is trying to tackle a speeding anvil lathered in grease.   Maurice Jones-Drew, the Pocket Hercules, is as elusive as the legendary Barry Sanders but even more powerful.  His extremely low center of gravity combined with his speed and cutting ability, make Jones-Drew tough to tackle both in the open field and in the heart of the battle as well.   Mixing up the carries with Fred Jones should keep the aging Patriots defenders from adjusting to either back's pace and movement.    Now I know that Adalius Thomas is on the back end of his prime, but Junior Seau is 37, Vrabel and Brushci and Izzo all have 12 seasons in the league and have shown signs of slowing in the 2nd half of the season.   Rodney Harris is 35 and probably off the steroids he used that got him suspended for 4 games early in the season.   Since he says he took them to help him recuperate from injuries ("rather than to get a competitive edge."), he ought to be a little nicked up this late in the season.   An aging defense with relatively little speed will begin to get shown up after a couple quarters of getting pounded by the Jags relentless running attack.  Garrard is a very capable runner as well, but unlike Vince Young, Garrard has pocket presence and makes very few mistakes with the ball.   With a quarterback rating of 102.2 and only 3 interceptions, Garrard seems the ideal quarterback to help Del Rio's team keep the Brady and Moss bunch glaring on the sidelines.

 Yes, I know the evil hoodie genius will provide a defensive scheme with more wrinkles than a shar-pei,  but Garrard protected the ball better than every other quarterback in the NFL this season, and Jack Del Rio's game plan will emphasize the need for absoluting minimizing turnovers.   It doesn't seem likely that the threat of Lawrence Maroney running the ball will be able to keep the Jag defenders honest: they should be teeing off on Brady and might even muss his carefullly coifed locks a time or two.  I suspect Brady will give up 2 or 3 picks-certainly more than Garrard.  Jacksonville's biggest obstacle will be to keep from collecting chippy penalties:  the Colts have succeeded in luring the Jags into several roughing and unsportsmanlike penalties in their 2 victories over the Jags this season.  Del Rio must have his team nearly penalty free if they expect to knock off  ESPN's Team of the Century. 

  The Patriots are feeling a lot more pressure in this game than the Jaguars.  Throughout a remarkable regular season New England has been able to back up the trash talking and bragadoccio, most of it coming from their chowderhead fans.  There is a new bully in the neighborhood this week though, and they have only one game to win or lose.  The Patriots have the burden of playing for the Ages and this might just take things out of focus.  The Devil is in the details and the final score will be:

Jacksonville 27 New England 20.

Jacksonville will play Indianapolis for the 3rd time this season for the AFC Championship in Indianapolis.

What a relief to escape the heavy breathing over the Patriots for a week!    I truly believe we went almost a week without the media's incessant braying about the "Greatest Team in the History of the Universe."  Tom Brady will have to go back to asking his mirror:  "Whose ho's are finest of them all?"   Two more wins and Brady will be nominated for beatification and Randy Moss will have to give up his street cred....

After the Jaguars pound the Patriots into submission this week Maurice Jones-Drew and John Henderson will have to go into the witness-protection program.

Is it just a co-incidence that Martina Hingis and Roger Clemens have both opted for retirement?  Martina's agent says she doesn't use cocaine, she just likes the way it smells. True sports fans all across America should beg the Steroid Rocket to come back just one more time.  It would be a joy to watch him serve up that 37 mph fastball he's sporting without his cheating boosters.  Retiring is the ultimate admission of guilt for Clemens-there is no way he retires if he could still compete.  Obviously, without the juice, he can't.

Got to give credit where credit is due:  The perfomance by Seattle's punter,  Ryan Plackemeier,  may have been the greatest performance in post-season history by a punter.  Every kick was executed to perfection with the Redskins getting 0 yards in returns.  Not one punt was returned a single yard and all of them were inside the 10 yard line!  How do you get any better than that?

Note to Titan's coach Jeff Fisher:  Nice defense and solid offensive line play.  Now wake up and trade Vince Young while you he still has signficant trade value.  Young will never be a top level NFL quarterback.  Take that wishbone, wishful thinking to the trading table and draft a pocket passer.  Young's instinct is to run at the first sign of trouble.  With a bit of pocket presence the Titan's could have stolen that game from the woefully underacheiving Chargers offense.

Speaking of woefull under-achievers, how 'bout that Redskins offense?  I didn't think it was possible to make the Smells-Like-Team-Spirit Seahawks look good.   Here's a line for Hasselbeck vs the Packers:  We're taking the collar and we're going to choke!

Is there any doubt that the AFC South is hands-down the best division in football?  The post-season was an Albert Haynesworth tantrum away from having 3 of the 4 teams in the division finals from the South.  And Gary Kubiak's Texans ain't no patsies, either!

And what about that wacky Hanynesworth? It's bad enough to jump offsides at a critical moment, Albert.  Dusting Philip Rivers probably cost your team the game.  You read it here first:  this head-stomping, Pacman-taunting fuming mountain of blubber will come to a bad end.  And soon.  I'm sure his file is sitting on the corner of Roger Goodell's desk.  Can anyone be that filled with rage on their own natural body chemistry?

Did you know that Peyton Manning had a little brother?  At least the guy that showed up in Tampa looked like a Manning.  Nice work Eli.  Your team looks a lot more like a winner now that that back-stabbing poser named after a patio torch is getting paid to mouth off.  I believe there will be a come-to-Jesus meeting down in Dallas this weekend and Tony Romo had better have been saying his nevers.  Right now Eli looks like the better quarterback.

Props offered to Bob Sanders, All-World safety for the Indianapolis Colts, announced as Defensive Player of the Year for the NFL, and justly so.  We know that 2/3rds of the earth is covered by water and the rest is covered by Bob Sanders.  Do you know how you can tell which wide receivers dared to run slant routes in front of Bob Sanders?  Dental records.

 And I will close this week's early rant with my Worst Coach of the Year award.  Sure its easy to pick the top coaches, but who really played the biggest role in sucking the mojo out of his team?  Topping the list, you gotta love Bobby Petrino.  Talk about kicking someone when they are down, this dirt-eating slug high-tailed it the moment he got the chance.   Probably unable and absolutely unwilling to make the sacrifice necessary to help his team.  They never recovered from the wrenchingly miserable conclusion to a bad draft pick that no one ever imagined could have gone so horribly wrong.  There's some powerful bad karma down in Atlanta.   Petrino may think he escaped it, but he probably just dragged his part down to Fayetteville.  Pigs get fat and hogs get slaughtered!

Degenerate gamblers will look back upon 2007 as a Golden Year for NFL picking.  Not since 1985 when the Giants, 49er's and yes, da Bears ran rough-shod over the meager competition have bettors had such a decided advantage.   When the disparity between the upper echelon teams and the scrubs is greatest, the opportunities for Harry the Horse and Good Time Charlie progresse in an almost Malthusian check on the bookies fortunes.  This year will go down as one for the ages:  the Patriots were a lock for 3/4 of the season, and the Dolphins were too, although they were a lock to lose and not cover.  If you hung with the Packers and Cowboys at the beginning of the year and bet against the 49er's, Jets, and Detroit in the 2nd half of the season, you can probably skip your coupon clipping this winter.

  The wise player should be able to sail through the playoffs pocketing profits as the line-up includes only a handful of solid clubs and a gaggle of pretenders just eking out one more paycheck before they get bounced.  It's one and out for the teams that wobbled into their berths.  Here is your primer to bookie wallet extraction this playoff season:

  Tennessee at San Diego -9:  Despite the fact that the genuises in San Diego passed on Drew Brees to keep Phillip (Wounded Duck) Rivers, the Chargers have righted the ship and stopped taking on water.   While we're not high on the Chargers at all this season, what with the team chemistry of the Soviet Politburo and a head coach in his last job in pro football, the Titans are a wasted draft choice or two away from being unable to score a touchdown in the playoffs.  I know you Titan fans think Vince Young is the greatest thing since Michael Vick: well so do I.  He has no more business being an NFL quarterback than. say, Kerry Collins.  14 touchdowns and 30 interceptions?   Jeff Fischer is probably on his knees at night praying for Young to beg off this one, so Collins can ride to the rescue as he did against the Colts in meaningless game 16.   The Titans lost at home to the Chargers 23-17 in overtime early in December, but won't be able to exact revenge as they are nearly incapable of scoring.  San Diego 29-Tennessee 7.

  Jacksonville at Pittsburgh +1.5:   There must be tons of  latent, automatic Steeler money out there for the handicappers to make the Jags such a short favorite.   The Jaguars literally beat the snot out of the Steelers in Pittsburgh on December 16, outgaining them 421 yards to 217.  The Jaguars are actually the NEW Steelers, usurping the old Steel Curtain's reputation for physical football characterized by a hard-hitting defense and a powerful running attack.   And David Garrard is no-Big Ben: he protects the football a lot better.   Wise bettors know that football is a game of emotion and Jack Del Rio will have the Jags sky high for this one.  I have a feeling Pittsburgh's heart won't be in it after the first few pops.    Get a 2nd mortgage on the house and put it all on the Jags:  Jacksonville 27 -Pittsburgh 10.

 And in the lightweight division:

  New York Giants at Tampa Bay-3:  Tom Coughlin and his struggling Giants deserve our heartfelt thanks for the determined effort they  put up against the Patriots in week 16.  We are sorry they lost, but the Pats won't be playing in the Super Bowl and that will be the sweetest of desserts.   Looks like Eli has his game on again with Plaxico back, but the absence of Jeremy Shockey will hurt against this solid Bucs defense.  (Now when I say solid, I mean NFC solid.  On October 7 against the Colts, the Bucs got ripped 33-14 and the Colts played without Joseph Addai and Marvin Harrison, among others. Just ask Jon Gruden about how the Colt's offense toyed with his defense:  ergo the "lightweight" moniker.)  I like Eli, but he's certainly no Peyton and the Bucs should fool him with the Cover 2 and intercept several of his offerings.   Garcia is a good ball-control quarterback, albeit a 2nd tier one, and he will protect the ball enough to get Tampa to the next level.  Tampa 22-New York 19.  Looks like the books got this one pegged on the nose.  Better pass on it. 

  Washingon at Seattle -3:  Wow! Talk about your marquis match-ups!  I know America can't wait to watch Tod Collins battle Seneca Wallace this week.  Or will Hasselback be fit to play?  Does that make it any more interesting?   Washinton has all the feel-good press and a bit of momentum going in to this meaningless tune-up for the victor's destruction at the hands of the Cowboys or Packers.   Unless your Lunesta has run short, I suggest you pass on this sleep inducer.   The word "under" comes to mind for both teams:  Under-achieving, under-performing and under-interesting for starters.   Find the over/under number from your local book and ride the under on a short play:  Washington 16-Seattle 14.

Tune in next week when it really starts to get interesting.  The Jaguars will be opening  a 30 gallon drum of whup-ass in Foxborough and I will be glad to walk you though it!

If you thought the American Sports scene was goofy in 2007, get a load of what's in store for 2008:

  Sadly, the Shaquille O'Neal era in the NBA comes to a close, as the Shaq-Daddy has gotten so large his teammates can no longer escape his gravitational pull.   This has been  particularly rough on the Heat's fast break.

  Pressured to respond to the torrent of allegations regarding the use of performance-enhancing drugs by its members, the Major League Baseball Players Association continues to resist co-operation with drug testing for the league.  Instead, the union has agreed to provide funds for each team to employ a team Apologist. 

  Scottie Pippen discovers his true calling and enters the Democratic Presidential race.   Feeling he had set his sights too low, Scottie reminded our reporter that he was a better player than Michael Jordan and that the Chicago Bulls missed their chance to hire him as head coach after the firing of Scott Skiles.   Sayeth Scottie: "Everybody knows I am smarter than Hillary Clinton and a better lawyer than John Edwards.  Oh, and Oprah likes me better than Barrack Obama too."

    Sports Medicine clinics all over the world  scramble for the services of the Indianapolis Colts' orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Robert Oz, on the heals of Marvin Harrison's remarkable performance in Super Bowl XLII.  Likening Marvin's surgery to the Tommy John elbow surgery which revolutionized treatment for MLB pitchers, a spokesman for the Colts elaborated:  "Sorry we had to keep this under wraps all season.   But Marvin's bionic knee has got him running 3.8 40's. His double-back flip over the cross bar after scoring his first Super Bowl touchdown had us all thinking Flubber."  Oz claims to be working on a personality for Terrell Owens, a heart for Bill Belichick and a brain for Pacman Jones.

 While allegations from Jose Canseco's latest narc-out of fellow players over steriod use continue to rock MLB, pundits continue to ask: How can a guy who can't read, write books?

   NBA Commisisoner, David Stern takes a leave of abscence from pro basketball to serve his country as Press Secretary for President-elect, Mitt Romney.  Responding to questions about what many see as a curious choice, a spokeman for Romney responded:  "This guy was in charge of a league that saw the most heinous threat to its integrity any sport has ever seen.  Baseball's Black Sox scandal pales in comparison to the Tim Donaghy gambling fiasco.  Here you have a league completely compromised by the revelation that at least one of its referees has been actively betting on games.  Not just any games, these were games that Donaghy  was officiating,  including playoff and championship games.  And he was providing information about those games to bookies and other gamblers and apparently other referees.  In the face of all this damning information, Stern has effectively kept this investigation and the story surrounding it out of the main stream media.  If Mitt Romney had an overdue book from his grade school library it becomes front page news for the MSN, but the fact that the results of most NBA games dating back to 2005 are completely bogus doesn't  warrant a story in the press?   We told Mr. Stern he could name his price to become our Press Secretary.  The price was high, but there isn't anyone in the world outside the Mossad who could have kept the rot at the core of the NBA out of the press.  He is one gi-normous leak-stopper."

  In an unprecendented move, the WNBA has taken on a league sponsor.  While stadiums and bowl games have long been given adverting monikers, like "The Tostitos Fiesta Bowl," it will take some time to get used to referring to the league by its new name: The Birkenstocks WNBA.

  LPGA phenom, Michelle Wie, following a disappointing 2007 season, has decided to change her focus for the 2008 season.  Rather than competing in actual LPGA events where she might have to actually play a solid round of golf every once in a while, Michelle will alternate qualifying attempts on the men's tour with appearances on American Gladiator and America's Next Top Model.

  Another tumultuous season at Notre Dame brings back memories of the torturous years under Coach Gerry Faust.  The "Oust Faust" campaign finally brought the school to fire Faust and a similar campaign mounted by angry Irish alumni this season  has Charlie Weis packing his bags.  The "Schmeis Weis" bandwagon finally got the big guy his pink slip.  Sporting his trade-mark turtle neck pants, Charlie announced he was electing to have his gastric by-pass surgery reversed so that he can join  Rosie O'Donnnell, Jamarcus Russell and the now-zaftig Olson Twins on "Celebrity Competitive Eating," the latest reality TV show.

  Bill Parcells steps right up with the Miami Dolphins top pick in the 2008 NFL Draft, selecting Hawaii's gunslinger, Colt Brennan.  The Big Tuna then packages the Dolphins 2nd pick with the rights to Jason Allen, sending them to the Dallas Cowboys for Terrell Owens.  Parcells then announces that T.O. was placed on Injured Reserve for the remainder of the 2008 season, mumbling something about "brain damage."

   And remember you saw it here first, the complete AFC playoff projection for January 2008. 

San Diego smokes Tennessee, with or without the pitiful efforts of Vince Young.  Jacksonville jacks Pittsburgh once again.   Colts rip San Diego and Norv Turner goes home jobless once again.  Jags beat the Patriots senseless, both on the score board and the field of play and they wander back to Indianapolis to get smacked down for the 3rd time this season.  You can take this to the bank!

  As for the NFC-who cares?  Whoever it is loses by 3 touchdowns in the Super Bowl as the Colts repeat.

As bizarre as the year 2007 played out, what with stratospheric salaries, an omni-present media, and every Tom, Harry and Craphonso looking for his 15 minutes of fame,  2008 can only get weirder:

  Gi-normous flameout, Jamarcus Russell, doing his best Ryan Leaf imitation, will abandon the Oakland Raiders and challenge Kobiyashi of Competitive Eating fame to a cheeseburger-eating contest.  Russell is already in training with his new fitness coach, William "The Refrigerator" Perry.

  Patriot's head coach, Bill Belichick, basking in the glow of an almost perfect, 17-1 season, opts to try his hand at acting.  In a made-for-TV special, Belichick will play the Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski.  Director Martin Scorcese hand-picked Belichick for the role because he dresses like the Unabomber, has similar hygiene, and it isn't a stretch for the audience to see Coach Belichick as a deranged hermit.

  Reeling from the double-whammy of the Cowboy's loss to the Indianapolis Colts in Super Bowl XLII and subsequently being dumped by Jessica Simpson, Tony Romo goes to court and has his name legally changed to "Tony Romeo."   Romeo continues to slide down the C and D list of celebrity starlets and is caught by Paparazzi,  head freshly shaven and  snuggling with Brittany Spears

  Arthur Blank, still smarting from the firestorm of negative energy surrounding the Atlanta Falcons in 2007, signs Marcus Vick  as his new quarterback.  Blank pointed out that the Vick family has been an important part of the Atlanta community and that the younger Vick should be a model citizen under new head coach, Gary Moeller.  The former head coach at the University of Michigan has sworn to stay with the team throughout his 5 year contract and was quoted: "Who else is going to hire me anyway?"

  Roger Clemens, in a determined effort to restore his tarnished reputation, turns over a new leaf for 2008.  Reporting to the Yankees spring-training camp at a svelte 195, Clemens attributes his leaner physique to a new-found diet and exercise program.  Claiming to be tired of being a fireballer, Clemens has developed a knuckle ball and will work on his off-speed pitches.  Questioned about this alleged use of steroids and human-growth hormone, Roger fired back:  "  Would I look this thin if I were still taking, er.....I mean taking HGH?"

  An additional note from the Clemens camp reports that his attorney, Rusty Hardin, is conducting his own investigation into the possible use of performance-enhancing drugs by Clemens and others.  Not a moment too soon!  Hardin also reports that he is assisting O.J. Simpson in his Las Vegas assault and kidnapping trial.  Since O.J. may be tied up for a while, Hardin adds that he will take over O.J.'s search for the real killer as well.

  The world of professional golf is rocked by scandal in 2008, as representatives for Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els and 17 other top tour pros allege that Tiger Woods, in a complicated scheme involving clothing manufacturers, has been colluding with those companies.  It seems that all of the top tour pros have been receiving golf shirts with necks several sizes too small, causing the players to chafe and choke in Tiger's presence.  John Daly, in the boldest move on this front, has petitioned the TPA and the PGA to play shirtless this season.

  In a brilliant and deft move, controversial New York Knicks President, Isiah Thomas, while clinging to his dream of completely dismantling the Knicks, has taken a 2nd job as diplomat at the United Nations.   With his new position, Zeke  can park wherever he wants, call women "bitches" in over 100 languages, and claim diplomatic immunity for any additional crimes or civil infractions he chooses to commit.

 And the Major League Baseball Players association has finally agreed to take a stand on testing for performance-enhancing drugs.  Starting in the 2008 season and continuing through the 2009 season, the MLBPA has agreed to begin random testing on all retired members of the union.  Once results are in, the union will look at possible further testing.