Imagine a world where you could lecture any person for their stupidity, and they would have to sit there and take it.  Just think about pulling aside any idiot, dumbass, ignoramous, or what have you from any walk of life and just letting them hear about the wrongs they have committed.  It would be just like the airing of the grivences at Festivus, except airing them at people you don't even know.  How freaking awesome would that be?  Sadly, that world doesn't exist, so I'll have to utilize my imagination and pretend I'm verbally tearing Ron Mexico a new one.  The powers of imagination can be compelling...

What in the world were you thinking, Michael Vick? 

Did you really think you could get away with carrying a water bottle that smelled like reefer and had an "unknown substance" in a hidden compartment onto an airplane?  A few months ago you couldn't even bring anything that was liquid or gelatinous onto an airplane.  And now, you expect to be able to board an airplane with a bottle of water without it being inspected?  Worst of all, the whole "hidden compartment" thing never works.  You can ask any parent that has ever snooped in their 10th grader's bedroom (my own parents included) how well hidden compartments conceal certain objects.  (Hey, at least it wasn't pot in my case, it was pornography, but that's a story for a different day.)  Besides, did you ever think about  scoring the pot when you landed in Atlanta, rather than carrying it with you on a flight?  I'm sure Atlanta, just like every other American city, has scores of people that would be more than willing to shill a dime bag to you. 

What made you think you could get away with it, Michael?  Rarely does a day pass where you don't see a story on SportsCenter about Athlete XYZ getting arrested for some misdemeanor.  Fame and privilege do not bring guaranteed exemptions from the laws of society.  Sure, you haven't gotten arrested yet, but you damn well may when the test results come back from the crime lab.  In my experience, if it smells like marijuana, it probably is marijuana.  I'm guessing that you would really like those test results to get destroyed somehow, perhaps by a unscrupulous lab tech that happens to be a huge Vick fan.  Legally, and perhaps in the public's eye, that would get you off the hook.  But you'll still have to with the fact that you took a hugely unneccessary risk that could have jeopardized your own future, as well as the futures of all your teammates.

I know a lot of people have enjoyed the Mary Jane from time to time.  Hell, when I was younger, I experimented a time or two...or fifty.  But there comes a time in your life where the risks involved with getting high far outweighs the benefits.  It would be foolish for me, a mindless lackey at a finance company, to risk my future going up in smoke.  When you're an NFL superstar, the foolishness of such a transgression is mulitplied at least tenfold.  Just watch as the endorsement deals start slipping away.  After all, who would buy their 8 year-old a Nerf football on the endorsement of a pothead?  Thousands, if not millions of children want to be like you, Michael.  They scramble around the backyard looking for the open receiver, then take off if they don't find one.  A child's mind is easily influenced.  What kind of influence are you imparting?

I used to be one of your staunchest defenders.  Not anymore.  How can I defend a man whose actions clearly state "I am a moron with no grasp on reality"?  I still hold out a small glimmer of hope that maybe, one day, you will be an average NFL passer.  When that day comes I'll be the first to congratulate you, but you won't hear a peep from me about Michael Vick until then.  Some may be willing to separate the player from the human being, but that's a distinction that I'm not willing to make.  Everything you do in your life affects how you perform as a football player.  I'm not merely speaking about the potential for a suspension if you are one day charged and convicted.  Having a clear mind can certainly help when it comes to learning the playbook and studying film.  It's your responsibility to keep your mind clear and minimize distractions.

You are a responsible adult, Mike Vick.  It's time you start behaving like one.    

Not again.  Not two weeks in a row.

It isn't fair.  It's simply not fair to NASCAR Nation for two of its greatest ambassadors, Bobby Hamilton and Benny Parsons, to shuffle off their respective mortal coils so close to one another.  Complications from lung cancer treatments ended the life of NASCAR legend Benny Parsons this morning, just nine days after the same disease took the life of Bobby Hamilton.  It has been a tragic beginning to the year for NASCAR, with the loss of Parsons overshadowing, on a national scale, the loss of Hamilton.

I am too young to remember Benny's heyday as a racer.  I wasn't born yet when Parson won the Winston Cup in 1973, and wasn't even two years old when he earned the final of his 21 career victories in 1984.  Still, the tales of the taxi driver turned NASCAR racer from Detroit, Michigan have impacted many fans from my generation by allowing us to see Parsons as more than an average talking head.  Benny Parsons knew that the key to winning championships is finishing races, and his strategy of points-racing has become the dominant strategy in the Nextel Cup today.

I will remember Parsons most for his excellent TV work for ESPN/ABC, and later NBC/TNT.  There was nothing better than turning on the TV on a lazy Sunday afternoon and hearing the voices of Bob Jenkins, Ned Jarrett and Benny Parsons call the action of a Winston Cup race.  The chemistry between these three men was incredible, with the trio giving the impression of a genuine friendship.  I was greatly saddened when ESPN stopped covering NASCAR races in 2001, for the greatest broadcast booth in the sport was broken up.  Thankfully, Benny brought his insightful and informative brand of commentary over to NBC and TNT, and he was always welcome in my living room.  I always found Benny Parsons to be the perfect color commentator: he gave remedial information for the newcomers, more in-depth analysis for the hardcore fans, and always did so in an unbiased manner while displaying boatloads of both passion and class.  Too often it seems that today's sports commentators aren't even fans of the sports they broadcast.  Benny Parsons had great enthusiasm for the sport of NASCAR, and that enthusiasm made it easier for him to do an exceptional job of commentary.

NASCAR has lost another member of the old guard, another throwback to a bygone era.  It will be hard to replace Benny Parsons in the broadcast booth, even harder in NASCAR Nation, and impossible in the grand scheme of humanity.  As I did with Bobby Hamilton, I would like to conclude with a summary of Benny's greatest career accomplishments, courtesy bennyparsons.com:

• AUTOMOBILE RACING CLUB OF AMERICA ROOKIE OF THE YEAR in 1965 (ARCA)
• ARCA Champion 1968 and 1969
• First ARCA Champion inducted into The International Sports Hall of Fame
• Joined NASCAR in 1970
• First Winston Cup victory was at South Boston Virginia Speedway in 1971
• Winston Cup Champion in 1973
• Winner of Daytona 500 in 1975
• Joined ESPN as a RACE ANALYST in 1989
• ACE AWARD winner
• Inducted into The International Motor Sports Hall of Fame in December of 1994
• 1996 ESPN Emmy Award Winner
• Named one of the 50 Greatest Drivers in NASCAR History
• 21 Victories
• $3.9 million in Career Earnings
• Inducted into The Motor Sports Hall of Fame of America August 2006

Benny Parsons

July 12, 1941 - January 16, 2007

(Bonus points for whoever knows what pop-culture phenomenon I'm referencing with the choo-choo-choose remark.)

Are you ready, kids?  It's that time again.  It's time for a sing-along with your good pal, Uncle Manrub!

Why is that strong safety in the doghouse? (arf! arf!)

The one banking thirty-five mil

Why is that strong safety in the doghouse? (arf! arf!)

Dan Snyder surely isn't thrilled.

That little ditty sums up Adam Archuleta's current status with the Washington Redskins.  It has been several weeks since Archuleta, a safety known primarily for his hard-hitting style, has played a down on defense.  Joe Gibbs, Dan Snyder and Adam Archuleta were certainly dreaming of a great future when Archuleta inked a 7-year, $35 million contract this past offseason, the richest ever for a safety.  Synder and Gibbs believed that they had a player capable of greatly improving their secondary, and Archuleta believed he was joining a team that could possibly win the Super Bowl.  Rosy dreams quickly deteriorated into terrible nightmares, however, and Archuleta was benched with little or no public explanation.

Adam Archuleta himself hasn't had an explanation as to why he was benched, and he is understandably a little irked about the situation.  Says Archuleta, "Do I deserve an explanation?  I don't know if an explanation matters anymore because what's done is done. I pretty much know what's going on. I pretty much know what it all stems from."  Archuleta declined to elaborate on that specific comment, but it's obvious that, in his opinion, there is a clear-cut reason for his lack of playing time.   

Although nobody from the Redskins has commented regarding Archuleta's benching, it is my belief that there is a reason behind the action.  Adam Archuleta was likely the scapegoat for the defensive struggles of the Redskins this season.  The Redskins rank 30th in the league in total defense this season, 29th against the pass.  The defense is dead last in takeaways, with a measly 12 turnovers forced all season.  To top it off, Washington has allowed more passes of over 20 yards than any other team in the NFL this season.  Compared to last season, when Washington ranked 9th in total defense and forced 28 turnovers, this season has been a colossal failure.  While the blame should be shared among all members of the defense, it's clear that the Redskins coaching staff has placed much of the blame on Archuleta.

Is it really Archuleta's fault that the Redskins are in this mess?

Is it possibly somebody else's fault?

In my humble opinion, Adam Archuleta is not at fault for his benching.  When the Redskins signed him this past offseason, they should have known what they were getting.  Adam Archuleta is a hard-hitting run stopper with serious deficiencies in pass coverage.  In five previous seasons, the man had managed a total of three interceptions, a number that doesn't exactly conjure up thoughts of excellent pass defense.  Archuleta's best chance of stopping a pass play may be on the safety blitz, for he entered the season with 15 career sacks.  It's silly to expect a player to excel in an area in which they had always struggled, especially when you've just given that player $35 million.  It's beyond my comprehension to even begin to understand why the Redskins were disappointed in his cover skills, especially since he hadn't shown alot of cover skills in the past.  Adam Archuleta failed to reach the expectations of the Washington Redskins, but certainly hasn't failed to achieve any expectations dictated by common sense.

Maybe this will be the straw that finally breaks that camel's back that is Dan Snyder's free-spending ways.  In the past, Snyder has wasted wads of money on players such as Deion Sanders, Chad Morton, John Hall, David Patten, and Todd Collins (how he merits anything above the minimum is beyond me).  With Archuleta's certain release and the salary cap hit that comes with it, the Redskins may be forced to use a more conservative approach in the free agent market.  Instead of signing big names, the Redskins should focus on signing talented players that fit their offensive and defensive schemes.  By doing that, they can avoid the embarassing fallout of situations like the Adam Archuleta situation in the future.

On Tuesday, the NFL announced the eighty-four men that have been selected to represent their conference in the Pro Bowl game in February.  Being selected as one of the best players in the best football league in the world is truly an honor, and I congratulate those chosen by the league's players, coaches and fans.  One fact about this year's Pro Bowl roster that has many New England fans a little upset is that only one Patriot, defensive lineman Richard Seymour, was chosen for the squad.  (Oddly, Seymour was chosen as a defensive tackle, even though he predominantly plays end.)  I agree with many Patriots fans that two deserving players, namely defensive end Ty Warren and cornerback Asante Samuel, were snubbed from the Pro Bowl.  A compelling case can be made for the inclusion of both players on the roster: 

Asante Samuel

By any statistical measure, Asante Samuel is having a career year at cornerback.  Through 13 games this season, Asante has amassed a career-high 55 solo tackles and has been credited with 11 passes defensed.  The most impressive stat that Samuel has posted this season is his eight interceptions, which currently has him tied with Denver's Champ Bailey for the league lead.

Ty Warren

Like Samuel, Warren is also enjoying a career-best season for the Patriots.  Alternately listed as a defensive end and a defensive tackle (again, this despite primarily playing end), Warren has amassed 48 solo tackles this season along with 6.5 sacks.  While the sacks total is not overwhelming, his 48 tackles are tied for fifth among all NFL defensive linemen.  Most importantly, Warren has come up with several huge tackles this season when the Patriots badly needed a defensive stop.

*************************************

You may have noticed that I did not mention the most prominent Patriot of them all, Bridget Moynahan's ex-boyfriend Tom Brady.  While locally there has been a lot of belly-aching regarding Brady's exclusion from the Pro Bowl, I simply don't see a reason for him to be included on this year's roster.  The Pro Bowl isn't a lifetime achievement game, it is intended to honor the top individual performers of a particular season.  It is my opinion that Brady simply isn't among the top quarterbacks this season.

I believe there is a rather simple explanation for the exclusion of certain Patriots players from the Pro Bowl roster.  I don't believe that the snubs are some sort of anti-Patriots statement, nor do I believe that woting procedure is flawed.  The reason that Ty Warren and Asante Samuel didn't make the Pro Bowl roster has more to do with the culture surrounding the New England Patriots.

It would be a gross understatement to say that the Patriots emphasize a team-first approach.  The New England Patriots are a team-first, team-last, and team-only franchise.  Stars are not made in New England.  Players rarely give non-scripted answers to interviewers' questions.  Injured players don't talk to the media at all.  Even assistant coaches are restrained from granting interview requests.  The one and only face of the franchise is Bill Belichick.  With such in-depth interview answers as "He's coming along" and "The injury report comes out on Wednesday", Belichick isn't exactly a media darling. 

The effects of the secretice, team-first approach are evident  whenver one watches the old boob tube (slang for TV for the young'ns).  You can't turn on the TV without seeing Peyton Manning hawking DirectTV or MasterCard.  Beisdes Tom Brady's Visa commercials with the offensive line last year, I can't think of one other Patriots player in a for-profit commercial.  New England players are not in demand for commercials because they simply aren't marketable nationally.  Joe Couch Potato in Denver isn't going to be urged to apply for a MasterCard by seeing Tedy Bruschi's smiling mug on TV.

The sports media also gets caught up in the aura of Belichick.  When the Patriots won Super Bowl 36 with a cast of no-names, nobodys and rejects, it became evident that the Patriots succeeded largely due to the schemes developed by Belichick's staff.  It was assumed that the Patriots won in spite of players like Matt Stevens and Anthony Pleasent, and not because of them.  It was largely ignored in the media that the players on the Patriots had to execute and make plays.  The Super Bowl win was primarily credited to Bill Belichick, and the Belichick mystique was born. 

With the Belichick mystique comes the unfair assumption that any player can succeed in the New England system.  That belief is completely false.  For every David Patten, Bobby Hamilton and Mike Vrabel that has succeeded in New England there has been a Donald Hayes, Steve Martin and Monty Beisel that has been a complete flop.  Crediting the player's success solely to the Patriots' offensive and defensive schemes is erroneous, for the players still must execute and make plays.  This assumption enters the minds of the players, fans and coaches, all of whom are more focused Bill Belichick than any individual player.

Is there a way to fix the dilemma of underappreciated New England players?  In a word, no.  The Patriots have won three of the last five Super Bowls, and any changes to the team's philosophy at this point would be ludicrous.  As a fan, I wouldn't want to sacrifice success for the sake of having a few more stars.  While it's an unfortunate situation for the New England players, many of whom miss out on contract bonuses for Pro Bowl recognition, I'm sure it's a circumstance that many will gladly live with for as long as the team continues to win.

Jim E. Mora and Jim L. Mora are proof positive that the apple doens't fall far from the tree.  The two coaches, whom I will refer to as Big Jim and Young Jim (which sounds like the name of the next Chinese speed skating champion), respectively, simply don't know when to keep their mouths shut.  Their bizarre quotes, as well as their mediocre coaching track record, solidify their place as the dumbest father-son coaching duo in the history of recorded time.  The following is a summary of their idiocy:

Big Jim (Unflattering image courtesy cnnsi.com)

* Famously stated, "We couldn't do diddly-poo offensively.  We couldn't make a first down.  We didn't run the ball.  We didn't try to run the ball.  We couldn't complete a pass.  We sucked."  This memorable quote from a 1996 postgame press conference has been overshadowed in recent years by another famous meltdown, but it will live in sports infamy forever.  It also gave bloggers a way to get around that stupid censorship that you have to turn off if you ever want to see curse words.

* As I just mentioned, there was another, perhaps greater, postgame meltdown.  Following a loss in 2001, Big Jim was so incensed that he blurted out, "We threw that game.  We gave that game away.  We gave them the friggin' game.  In my opinion, that sucked."  One quickly notices Mora has a proclivity towards ending his sentences in the work "sucked".  If that wasn't enough, after the very same game, responding to a reporter's questions about his team's playoff chances, Big Jim famously blurted out, "Playoffs!  You talk about PLAYOFFS?!!?  Playoffs, with this team?  We'll be lucky if we win a game!"  Way to inspire the troops, coach

* A month or so back, the Big Jim hit parade continued with his comments regarding Falcons quarterback Mike Vick, whom Young Jim coaches.  During a segment on a radio show, Big Jim referred to Vick as a "coach killer" and expressed worry that Vick's play may cost his son a job.  Given the family tie-in, the comments about Vick were completely out of line.

* All this idiocy, and a (admittedly respectable) 125-106 career regular season record, with a pathetic 0-6 postseason mark.

Young Jim (Equally unflattering image courtesy nfl.com)

* During the final 2005 regular-season game, Young Jim was spotted using a cell phone on the sidelines.  Mora claims that he was attempting to contact the NFL to determine playoff scenarios should the game end in a tie.  Following that same game, Mora was asked in a postgame interview about a coaching decision during the game.  Mora answered the question, and then slammed down the microphone and ended the interview.  Perhaps if Mora was paying more attention to the game, and less attention to the hottie on line one, he wouldn't have even made the questionable decision.

* Also in 2005, Young Jim was asked about his policy of not allowing Falcon lineman to speak with reporters in postgame interviews.  Mora responded that the Falcons used to allow lineman to speak out in public, but this practice never led to a Super Bowl win.  Mora specifically mentioned a few linemen, namely Mike Kenn and Jeff Van Note.  Many Atlanta fans saw this as an insult to two legendary former Falcons.  I doubt talking to the media had anything to do with not winning a Super Bowl

* Just today Young Jim has had to do damage control on another incidence of stupidity.  When asked in an interview with a Seattle radio station about ever taking the University of Washington job, Mora replied, "If that job's open you'll find me at the friggin' head of the line with my resume in my hand ready to take that job."  Mora follwed up by saying that he would accept the job whether he was availible or not, even going as far as to say "I don't care if I'm in the middle of a playoff run, I'm packing my stuff and coming back to Seattle."  Mora has claimed that these comments were jokes, but most jokes don't go into that much detail.  I'm not sensing a lot of loyalty there.

* Due to a small sample size, it's not fair to judge Mora's record as it stands right now besides stating it's "less than stellar".

As you can see, the Moras are clearly Grade A Idiots.  They both have a very hard time understanding the appropriate time to make certain comments (note to Mora's: say controvesial things privately).  On top of the comments, the unadvisable actions of the younger Mora are the icing on this dunce cake.  I find it amazing that both of these men are still considered by many to be positive forces in the NFL.