by Sonny Palermo, team handicapper at www.sportsmemo.com

Before I get to your lessons on becoming a speed loving redneck I need to vent a little . . .

Last Sunday, I turn on the tube to check out the start of the Daytona 500, and I'm assaulted by some pudge who has average pipes and less than average moves. I have no clue who it is that I'm being forced to listen to, but I figure what the hell, it's only one song, I can deal with it for a minute or so.

Wrong!

She goes into a second song, and now I'm getting angry. By the time she starts screeching out her third number it hits me - I'm watching FOX, home of American Idol, which, though I have never endured as much as a minute of, I am aware of because of all the press, hype and promotion that it encompasses.It is exactly at this moment that I realize what wuss's the guys who run NASCAR must be, and I go into a daydream. I imagine the meeting would have gone something like this:
 

The owners from the NFL are sitting around an elaborate board meeting table. The representative from FOX stands to address the group. "Gentleman, FOX is delighted to be presenting the Super Bowl this year. Now, as part of the pre-game show we would like to plug the latest product-posed-as-artist from our show American Idol. We had in mind a three song segment, and . . . " Raucous laughter fills the room, as the NFL owners are beside themselves. Jerry Jones stands up. "OK, FOX boy, you've had your laugh, we're very busy men, what do you really want?" "No, seriously, we would like to use the pre-game show of your biggest event of the year to sell our product, and . . ." Paul Allan speaks. "Son, I tipped more at dinner last night than you'll make this year. Now what can we do for you?" "How about two songs, we'll shorten it to . . ." "Fat chance, Fatso," says Robert Kraft. "OK, we'll settle for one song." "You'll settle for none, and we'll be on NBC next year" says Daniel Snyder. "Meeting over." And the NFL suits walk out.
 

Could you imagine how hard the NFL would have laughed if FOX had tried to pull this stunt on them? Turns out the Joplin-wannabe was Kelly Clarkson. Shame on NASCAR for dropping their skirt for FOX, and subjecting race fans to a nine-minute commercial for "Idol."


But I digress . . .for I am, Mr. NASCAR!! I am a NASCAR fan.(much to the puzzlement of most of my pals from Jersey.) Ya see, in the Garden State, the only high speed chases take place in Newark, and usually involve black and white cars chasing blacks and whites. Most of my friends do not think race car drivers are not athletes, that racing is not a sport, and that watching cars that just keep going around and around and around is BORING! And there was a time I felt that way too. But I woke up and smelled the gasoline. I am a convert. And I will tell you how you too can become an almost-Redneck, in just three easy steps:

 

Step 1 - Put money on the race.

Face it, we're guys, we'll watch cockroach races if we can get a wager down (and believe we have inside info as to which vermin was out partying late last night.)

 

Step 2 - Bet driver match-ups rather than picking a guy to win.

When I first came to Vegas, my co-workers at the sports book were trying to sell me on betting NASCAR. "Let me see if I have this right," I said. "You want me to try and pick one guy to beat forty-two others guys? I'm struggling to come up with the winner of a baseball game between two teams, and that's a 50-50 proposition, and you want me to pick one out of rty-three??!!" Then, they turned me on to the beauty of head to head match-ups. In my first race betting match-ups I'm not even on the lead lap and there's only four laps left. I'm dead, right? Wrong! The guy I'm going against blows his engine. As he's slowly making his way to pit row my guy cruises past him for a winner! THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF NASCAR MATCH-UPS! YOU'RE NEVER OUT OF IT. In football, if you're down by 21 with 2 minutes left - you're screwed. In baskets, if you're down by 10 with a minute - you're screwed. In NASCAR, you're never out of it (unless your guy crashes.)

 

Step 3 - Have a "Mr. NASCAR" contest

Here's where you really have fun - ya get 2-3 friends. Each week ya put $1 in the pot and pick a match-up (it's a bragging rights thing, not a $ thing.) Then, ya spend the next 2 hours hootin at the screen rooting for the other guy's driver to crash into the wall! At the end of the season, the guy with the biggest bankroll wins the pot and gets crowned "Mr. Nascar." In my last year at a book, I participated in one of these, with bookmakers Ed Salmons (The Hilton) and Jackson Meeker (Boulder Station.) We'd spend Sundays in the back office at the IP, rooting against each other, laughing at each other when our drivers crashed, or blew a tire, or got taken out by another driver (usually Tony Stewart.) It was some of the most fun and biggest laughs I've had while in Vegas, in part because of the contest, but also because of the company - the sarcasm of Jackson, the dry wit of Ed, and my own particular talent for mocking combined for some good times and a lot of fun. And, best of all, in the last season we were all together - I won, I AM Mr. NASCAR!!


There you have it, naysayer to NASCAR fan in three easy steps.

Gentleman, start your engines!

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