Warning: This article may contain offensive and/or snarky words that may conjure up images unsuitable for sports fans.

Time for another look at what we won't see or hear this week.

 

Airplane pilot

"Good afternoon, Cal Bears. We are now beginning our descent into Los Angeles. Please return your snack trays and seat backs to their upright positions and prepare for landing."

 

Charlie Weis

"Next year I personally promise I will end the streak."

 

Notre Dame Stadium Announcer

"Tackle made by..."

 

Florida Gators Athletic Department

"We will have no press conferences nor announcements regarding Tim Tebow today."

 

Steve Spurrier

"Now do you believe me when I said my vote for Jevan Snead was a mistake?"

 

Lane Kiffin

"For my next trick, I will use this bye week to tell Nick Saban how awesome his team is and we don't have a chance to beat them."

 

Joe Paterno

"We are happy to be in the meat of our schedule with Minnesota, Northwestern, Indiana, and Michigan State slated to get an effing beatdown from us."

 

Ohio State Buckeyes

"Tress says we can tweet from the sidelines—he will be giving us a demo on how to use twitter after Lady Gaga's pep rally speech."

 

Mack Brown

"I hope Oklahoma is as big a pushover as Colorado was."

 

Bob Stoops

"We are right where we wanted to be at this point in the season."

 

Florida State recruit

"I committed to the Seminoles because of the school's leaders' camaraderie, strict academic standards, and solid tradition of football excellence."

 

Jim Grobe

"It's good to hear the Demon Deacons' name on every pundit's lips this year, isn't it?"

 

Al Groh

"I have always believed in the adage, 'It doesn't matter what people say as long as they're talking about you.'"

 

Duke Blue Devils

"We always knew we would someday be ahead of Florida State in football—can we act obnoxious now?"

 

Pete Carroll

"Winning would do wonders for my spirits."

 

Rick Neuheisel

"Rose Bowl or bust."

 

Mike Stoops

"We lucked out getting Washington and Stanford back-to-back."

 

Oregon Ducks

"We decided on magenta, OK?"

 

Jim Leavitt

"Somebody pinch me. Even I don't believe it."

 

Brian Kelly

"My dream job is Notre Dame."

 

Greg Paulus

"Piece of cake."

 

Boise State Athletics Department

"We still maintain that having Bowling Green, UC Davis, Utah State, New Mexico State, and Idaho on our schedule will not hurt our SOS."

 

 

 

I like Tim Tebow. He’s good for college football because he possesses good work habits, has good ethics and morals, is tough as nails and, unlike some of the other “stars” of college football, he isn’t in the spotlight for all the wrong reasons.

 

College football needs more Boy Scouts like Tim Tebow.

 

But I think we’ve had just about enough.

 

Tim Tebow is a good thing that is start to getting on people’s nerves.

 

It’s like watching fifty episodes of Barney- those goody-two shoes kids that surround that purple dinosaur tend to get tiresome after a while. There’s just so many over-the-top, sugary-sweet personalities you can take before the reality starts to sink in- this is not real. Normal kids don’t act like this. It’s a scripted fantasy for delusional parents.

 

The media has latched on to Tim Tebow as some sort of Superman and his fans have promoted him as the second coming of Mother Teresa. He’s the end-all for us mere mortals. We are not worthy.

 

When Tim got a concussion in the Kentucky game, we were inundated with four-times-an-hour videos of him barfing in a bag. Then there were the breaking news press conferences showing Meyer announcing, “Tim is doing much better.” Tebow’s coach spent the night with him in the hospital--even though his parents were also there—and that’s just a little over the top for me. A newborn infant receives less attention than this adult.

 

Good God, America. Are we seriously in need of this much Tebowism? It’s getting to the point of oversaturation, and sooner or later, the masses will arise and yell, “I need a bad boy in college football.”

 

Blame the media- they are the fire flamers.

 

The proverbial line in the sand has to be drawn, however, when his name is now being whispered as the No. 1 Heisman candidate. Heismanpundit.com, a very accurate Heisman predictor, has Tebow as No. 1 on the watch list. Several ESPN college football analysts also have him No. 1 on their lists.

 

The questions is, why?

 

Tebow is currently ranked No. 91 among all college football quarterbacks. No. 91. Granted, the rankings are compiled by amount of yards thrown- the more prolific the passer is in terms of total yardage, the higher the ranking.

 

Still, you would be hard-pressed to award any player on any list where he is in the bottom tier of quarterbacks.

 

So what are his numbers?

 

Tebow has completed 44 of 68 for 643 yards in four games. That comes out to a little over 160 yards game. He has completed 64.7% of his passes, and has a 1-6 INT-TD ratio. Heisman worthy? Sixty-eight attempts? Hardly.

 

If you compare his stats to Jimmy Clausen, they look even smaller. Clausen has completed 67.6% of his passes- that’s higher than Tebow’s percentage. Clausen has a 2-12 ratio, which is identical to Tebow’s 1-6 ratio, and has gone 100 of 148 for 1544 yards- his average is 308.8 yards per game. He has also done it without playing two cupcakes.

 

If a quarterback has better numbers than a Heisman candidate and has done it by throwing more than twice as many yards, why isn’t he on everyone’s lips? And why is the lesser quarterback being touted more?

 

The Tebow love affair is all well and good, but let’s be honest here- Tebow has not won any games by his single-doing- the team has. Clausen, on the other hand, has done it on his own.

 

Three (almost four) come-from-behind-drives-for-the-win have solidified him as the best quarterback in college football. So far. The problem for Clausen is his image- no one was impressed with his white Hummer limo entrance on his announcement day in front of the College Football Hall of Fame in South Bend. The flashy rings on his fingers further fueled the arrogant moniker.

 

Clausen has had to repair his image while Tim Tebow has had the inevitable task of trying to live up to his. While both are difficult to do, it’s easier to go into an award competition when the entire world is having a slobbering love affair with you rather than play for a team that is polarizing, to say the least.

 

Life isn’t fair, but the Heisman is supposed to be, isn’t it?

 

The real issue with Heisman is that it has become a Mr. Congeniality Contest. Or, a “Let’s make it fair award.”

 

Colt McCoy has been touted as No. 2 on the Heisman watch list, and the reason for him being there is even more alarming- since Bradford and Tebow have already won it, let’s give it to the third Musketeer. A fellowship of Kumbaya will commence afterward.

 

Since when do players get an award because they are part of a trio and all should get the Heisman? What about players like Jimmy Clausen? Or Cincinnati’s Tony Pike? Mizzou’s Blaine Gabbert? They are shining above the rest of the quarterbacks but have been relegated to a possible third invitee to New York. Or a total snub.

 

Heisman’s famed statue is now nothing more than a popularity contest, and everyone knows it. While they pat themselves on the back for awarding another player that didn’t deserve the statue—and there have been plenty—the rest of America will simply tune out to this farce it has become.

 

Are we all that afraid to say a player isn’t worthy to win the Heisman this year in fear of being sent straight to fiery depths of hell?

 

Admit it, you don’t want to be the one who says it. Let someone else say it and then say, “Finally, someone has the onions to say what I’ve been thinking.”  (You’re welcome, by the way.)

 

This isn’t an anti-Tebow thing- it’s just speaking the truth. I think he’s a magnificent representative of how young men should conduct themselves. He is the perfect role model for the student-athlete.

 

He has not, however, played like the best college football player on the field, so far. Not even close.

 

Give it to Timmy because he’s just so likeable. Give it to him because he performed circumcisions in third world countries during his spring break. Give it to him because he’s still pure and innocent. Give it to him because he apologizes when his performance lets down his minions.

 

But don’t tell me you gave it to him based on his performance so far.

 

Oh, and God Bless America and Tim Tebow. Amen.

 

"Once in a blue moon." That basically means "rarely." Or "probably never."

So this Saturday, as we begin week three of college football, there are some things that we may see or hear we aren't expecting- things that happen once in a blue moon.

I'm not counting on these things to happen, but then again, Mine That Bird, Appalachian State, Caster Semenya, Juan Martin Del Porto, Kanye West and yes, even that Virginia Cavalier mascot (google it on Youtube.com) give me hope that some things don't need a blue moon for them to happen.

Maybe these will happen? Nah.

Lane Kiffin   (Tennessee head coach)

Beats the tar out of the Gators, then humbly holds presser saying, "I feel horrible for Urban Meyer. He is truly the role model for every college coach."

Jim Tressel   (Ohio State head coach)

On a 1st and 10 on his own 5 yard-line, calls for a flea-flicker. On 2nd and 10, calls for a Statue of Liberty play, on 3rd and 10, calls a hook and ladder pass. On 4th and 10, he goes for it, and Toledo scores a safety. All while wearing a ripped, Bellichick-style hoodie, giving the crowd the bird and yelling, "I told you so."

Tate Forcier and Matt Barkley (Michigan and USC's freshman quarterbacks)

Both hire match-makers to get them more noticed by the fairer sex and both watch Stuart Small videos to self-motivate themselves.

Frank Cozenza, Ohio State sousaphone player

"Dotting the ESPN cameraman was an accident. The network has always been very kind towards Ohio State."

www.youtube.com/watch?v=EevMBTQpV4U

Charlie Weis   (Notre Dame head coach)

"I called all the wrong plays, and can't blame the refs, time-keeper or our defense. I am doubting my schematic advantages."

Dan Hawkins   (Colorado head coach)

"Let's give our second string quarterback a shot."

Lou Holtz  (ESPN college football analyst)

"Notre Dame will lose to the University of Southern California."

Suzy Kolber  (ESPN's NFL sideline reporter)

Updated Facebook profile: shy, unassuming, wallflower and happy to take "no" for an answer (Way to go Suzy, loved your persistence.)

Rich Rodriguez  (Michigan head coach)

"I forgive all you doubters."

Terrelle Pryor   (Ohio State quarterback)

"Thinking about putting "OJ Simpson" on my eyeblack this Saturday against Toledo."

Bobby Bowden  (Florida State head coach)

"I'm telling y'all right now, Dadgummit, all Florida schools are tough. Look at Jacksonville State. They gave us a real beatdown but we overcame another great team from Florida."

Al Groh  (Virginia head coach)

"I love my job."

Taylor Mays  (USC safety)

"If I can't clear medical and play this week at Washington, I'm going to stay home, take a napkin-folding class and play Jacks with my cousin."

Jonathan Crompton  (Tennessee quarterback)

"The Gators' D is soft. They don't scare me."

LeGerrette Blount  (Oregon suspended running back)

"I have no regrets in my life. None whatsoever.."

Tim Tebow  (Florida quarterback)

"I need more PR."

Rick Neuheisel  (UCLA head coach)

At team meeting, asks his team if anyone can throw the ball twenty yards (for motivational purposes) and then asks quarterback Kevin Prince to speak to team (broken jaw- mouth wired shut) about the disadvantages of wearing a mouthpiece during a game.

Mark Richt  (Georgia head coach)

"I'd like to congratulate our team on amassing zero penalty yards this game."

Joe Paterno  (Penn State head coach

"Temple, Akron, Eastern Illinois and Syracuse are all cupcakes, and we scheduled them because we wanted a soft schedule."

Mark Dantonio   (Michigan State head coach)

"We lost because we didn't want to give Notre Dame any game film."

USAToday's voting coaches

"Oklahoma State lost to Houston? Oops!"

David Cutliffe   (Duke head coach)

"We're right where we thought we should be."

Paul Wulff   (Washington State head coach)

"We're not bothered that SMU is favored by one point at our turf- The Palouse will be rocking."

Doug Marrone   (Syracuse head coach)

"Thank goodness we're not in an easy conference like the Mountain West."

Bronco Mendenhall   (BYU head coach)

"Las Vegas Bowl or bust!"

Pete Carroll   (USC head coach)

"Hmmm, should I punt?"

"Not everybody’s the perfect person in the world. I mean everyone kills people, murders people, steals from you, steals from me, whatever."

You would think whoever said that quote has a warped view of life and is pretty uneducated, wouldn't you? Maybe it's just a line from a gangsta rap song?

Hold on to your Buck nuts, football fan...Terrelle Pryor said this in response to why he liked Michael Vick.

Are you kidding me?

I would expect that response from a Michael Vick-- before he was busted for torturing dogs, of course--but not from the Ohio State Buckeyes' sophomore quarterback. Their field general.

Classy stuff there, Terrelle.

You pay a tribute to him with your eyeblack in the game against Navy. And after the game, when asked about why you like Vick, you come up with this nutty, inane, and utterly classless remark.

You admire a dog torturer/killer.

Indeed, we all deserve a second chance. So why not go with Charles Manson as an idol? Ted Bundy? Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold? Were they not available for your eyeblack? They must be okay dudes in your book, because after all, everyone kills.

I checked my agenda books from the last decade, and so far, I haven't lived up to Pryor's proclamation. Nope, haven't killed anyone. Haven't murdered anyone. And believe it or not, haven't stolen from anyone either. Someone ripped off my favorite pen, would that count? I'll go yell at my kids.

I'm getting warm fuzzies just knowing that the future of America is in our higher education system's students. That people like Terrelle Pryor choose their role models because everybody does it. They choose a role model because he deserves a second chance, despite showing no compassion for living things.

Here's a thought Terrelle- how about putting Vick on your "naughty" list, and if he doesn't screw up in the next ten years, then put his poster above your dorm bed. Until then, Vick deserves no role model status, but Tila Tequila might be more your style.

More importantly, someone needs to keep a microphone away from your mouth.

This is embarrassing for Ohio State.

Adding insult to this disaster of a public relations crisis was their coach, Jim Tressel. Yes, the Senator.

Any elite coach in division 1 football knows that the University of Southern California does not like being called "Southern Cal." It's in their press guides. It's in Wikipedia. It's a well-known fact.

Except in the Midwest.

Tressel referred to USC no less than three different times as "Southern Cal." We get it's USC v Ohio State week. We get there is some trash-talking going on. What we don't get is your continued disrespect of the school who has made it clear what its name is.

Perhaps Pete Carroll should start calling Ohio State, "O State"? Or just "Ohio"?

How would that go over in O-H-I-O?

Final thought: USC 37, tOSU 17.

Fire up that hot seat in Columbus.

 

Thanks to the TheworldofIsaac.com for video of this quote:

tinyurl.com/ksrjre

There's just something stinking like three day-old Limberger cheese in Ann Arbor, Michigan. A handful of current and former players have made some dramatic allegations about how Michigan is handling its football program.

The allegations include the student-athletes being required to spend more than twenty hours a week during the season for football activities, often more than the allotted four hours per day, and having more than eight hours of mandatory workouts during the off-season, sometimes exceeding that threshold two or three times.

The big question of course, is why did Michigan only go 3-9 with all of this extra training involved?

Seriously, if Rich Rodriguez suddenly morphed into this giant ogre with goals far higher than every other elite football program, then why did he stink it up so much last year?

Michigan is college football's winningest program, and after one year, Rodriguez may cause this giant among giants to crash- these are huge potential violations-- if true-- because it destroys the emphasis on student, and puts all the emphasis on athlete.

Moreover, it directly gives the playes a competitive edge-- OK, last year isn't a good example, but you get the gist-- over others who train less.

If these allegations are true, well, hell, bye bye Rich. And good luck trying to get your salary paid. Not going to fly in Ann Arbor.

In fact, there will be two states that now abhor Rodriguez- Michigan and West Virginia. Of course, this could just be a case of players who can't stand their coach, but the more you think about it, the more you dismiss that theory.

This is Michigan, where Rose Bowls and National Championships are expected. The players are the cream of the crop and want to taste victory. They want a BCS Bowl. They want to beat Ohio State.

Why would they complain about some extra effort if it meant a good showing? A possible pick in the NFL draft? A championship ring?

I'm not buying it.

What I am buying is the players possibly revolting against the offensive scheme that Rodriguez has shoved down the Wolverines' players' throats.  The fact that Rodriguez is playing all three quarterbacks is a huge statement on the progress the offense has made- they have no quarterback. They have no leader. There isn't that one guy to lead the troops. No field general. No continuity in the huddle.

And it's causing concern among the Wolverines faithful. This year, the team is supposed to be much improved. But still no quarterback? Let's get brutally honest here- having three quarterbacks means you have none. And the offense has to be frustrated at this.

The players who made these allegations to the Detroit Free Press may just be venting their frustrations- what's the point of tripling your efforts if you still are pathetic? (and yes, 3-9 is pathetic in Ann Arbor)

Of course, these allegations could be true. And they are disturbing. But let's not fall over ourselves- the NCAA will screw this one up more than they usually do.

After all, no word on the Bush scandal- not even an official inquiry to USC has been made--a total mockery of justice in the Alabama and Florida State scandals, and the NCAA's insistence of pretending games don't exist by vacating wins as punishment all add up to a lengthy investigation, over-kill punishment and an asterisk, yes asterisk, on Michigan's 3-9 season last year.

Perhaps this would actually be a celebratory moment if the NCAA did actually vacate all of Michigan's games from last year?

3-9 never happened, maize and blue fans.

God bless the NCAA.