Sometimes, not often, but sometimes one of those days come along when you open up the newspaper and a story literally jumps off the page and stares you straight in the face.  You know- man calls cops to report stolen marijuana, middle-aged dude streaks through middle school campus, teacher tells students to urinate in bottles, stories so ridiculous you couldn't possibly script them.  With that in mind, I bring you one of the more brilliant baseball injuries of the home run era.

You remember when Tigers reliever Joel Zumaya was unavailable with a forearm injury for the ALCS against the A's?  Well, all you sick pukes out there who thought he was spending a few too many minutes checking out Deep Throat Heather guess again.   Club president and general manager Dave Dombrowski told WXYT on Wednesday that the team concluded Zumaya's injury resulted from playing a video game.

"The Tigers' athletic training staff discovered that Zumaya's forearm pain was more consistent with the action of a guitar player than a baseball pitcher.  Zumaya, 22, was known to play "Guitar Hero," a PlayStation 2 game in which a player uses a guitar-shaped controller to simulate the performance of popular songs."

I knew young athletes in particular enjoyed video games and rocked some Madden tournaments on the road.  I've heard about Gilbert Arenas' professional Halo team...I know Adam Morrison and AA Redick game it up against each other, but Clay Zumaya Studdard, you really think the ALCS is the time to be practicing your stairway to heaven?  Dude, if you had waited a few weeks you could've had the entire off-season to strum your pain.       

Baseball injuries can be quirky: Carlos Zambrano's elbow injury from spending too much time on the computer is up there.  Same with Sammy Sosa "sneezing" his way out of the lineup.  The website Funny2.com has compiled an excellent list for your enjoyment...but when it comes to baseball injuries, it doesn't get much better than Axl Joel.  Hey Zumaya, keep those billboard hits coming.  You think Joel could jam like this?

FOX...at least we only had to put up with this for 5 games

TBS...that's what we just bid on?

Bud Selig...EckSTEEN

MLB...it's the parity of MLB, not the cheapening of the regular season

Tiger Fans...where can I get my Game 6 and 7 refunds?

Tiger pitchers...when do we report to Spring Training?

Cards fans...hit it to the pitcher!

Pessimistic Cards fans...good thing Izzy was hurt

Angel fans...eff that fool Jeff Weaver, 3-10 for us, a game 5 win for the Cards, we were 4 games out of first, you do the math

Steinbrenner to Cashman...get me that Weaver guy back

Astros fans...eff that fool Preston Wilson, 9 homers in 390 at-bats for us, 8 homers in 111 at-bats for the Cards, we were 1.5 games out of first, you do the math

90% of MLB players...Gary Bennett has a ring and I don't

95% of MLB players...Scott Spiezio and Juan Encarnacion have more rings than me

Molinas...we've got 2 more rings than the Bonds

Me...I couldn't be less inspired by a World Series, is it April yet?

It has always been undeniable fact, no question in my mind, that the Steelers won the Super Bowl last year despite the play of Ben Roethlisberger.  His horrendous play through 5 weeks of the season this year only cements this notion in my mind.
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Considering the fact that Big Ben has gone where Peyton Manning, Donovan McNabb, Carson Palmer, Michael Vick, and many other of his contemporaries have not gone (namely, the Super Bowl champions podium), these words would ordinarily seem blasphemous.  However, stop for a second and throw out Roethlisberger's unprecedented rookie success and magazine covers, and you have a lackluster game-manager who has been more the product of coincidence than cunning.
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Don't get me wrong- there aren't many quarterbacks in the history of the game who could've been as mistake free as Big Ben was in his rookie year.  But the reason he received more accolades than any other QB from his class at that early stage is because his team won.  Was this the product of his play-making abilities?  Nay, he was in an excellent situation- on a veteran team with an excellent running game and a defense that allowed the fewest points in the league.
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Last year, the defense was stellar once again, Carson Palmer was hurt in a freak injury, and the Steelers (all respect due) won the Super Bowl.  Remember the actual Super Bowl game?  The Steelers won because of a 74yd TD run by Willie Parker and a flea-flicker thrown for a TD by Antwaan Randle-El.  Roethlisberger was 9 of 21 for a putrid 123 yards and 2 interceptions.
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We have seen more of the same from Big Ben in '06.  Roethlisberger insists that his off-season problems (the motorcycle crash and the emergency appendectomy) have nothing to do with his on-field performance.  The fact that he's played since week 2 for Pittsburgh- and poorly at that- makes him subject to my criticism.  Don't come with any of that garbage that he's coming off horrendous injuries.  If he weren't ready to play, than he shouldn't have come back.  Didn't the team win their lone game with Charlie Batch at the helm anyway?  Perhaps they would have more success for the time-being with Batch than Ben.
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Roethlisberger has thrown 7 interceptions in 3 games without throwing a touchdown.  Seems like an extension of the Super Bowl last year.  Now the Steelers have to rely on his play-making abilities more than ever, and Roethlisberger has not responded to their calls.  The Steelers need Big Ben to step up this weekend in order to avoid a serious tale spin.  My question to dissenters, when was the last time you really saw Ben Roethlisberger make a big-time play?

Philadelphia 38 - that makes 2 MVP contenders in Philly

Dallas 24 - and now the destruction begins...Romo, Romo, Romo!

San Diego 23 - quick what's the only defense that can hold LT under 100yds?  you got it, Schotty

Pittsburgh 13 - Kordell Roethlisberger better turn things around fast

Indianapolis 14 - just a reminder, bye week's next week

Tennessee 13 - 63 yards passing won't win you too many games

Chicago 40 - good offense + awesome defense + easy schedule = home field advantage = Super Bowl

Buffalo 7 - improved but exposed

Carolina 20 - 3-0 with Steve Smith, 0-2 without Steve Smith, notice a pattern?

Cleveland 12 - you weren't really starting to believe Charlie Frye was any good, were you?

New York Giants 19 - Visanthe Shiancoe had more yards than Jeremy Shockey and they won

Washington Redskins 3 - maybe Al Saunders' laptop was stolen at the hotel by a Giants fan

New Orleans 24 - big time players make big time plays in big time situations

Tampa Bay 21 - Bruce Gradkowski with a better debut than Leinart (and Young too)

New England 20 - hmm, and they thought this was the year the Dolphins overtook them?

Miami 10 - Culpepper was benched, not hurt, problem is Heisman's not much better

San Francisco 34 - hey, at least they're beating the teams they should beat- that's a good sign

Oakland 20 - #1 way to know you're bad, your starting QB is replaced by Marques Tuiasosopo

St. Louis 23 - Is there such a thing as a bad 4-1 team?

Green Bay - hey, at least they have 1 more win than Oak, TB, Det, and Ten

Jacksonville 41 - is there more of a jeckyll and hyde team?

NY Jets 0 - first game all year they weren't competitive, stil can be 5-3 heading into bye week

Kansas City 23 - I don't think Trent Green could look much better than Damon Huard has, amazing

Arizona 20 - Leinart's a step in the right direction, too bad Edge can't take one without being hit

Minnesota 26 - defense needs to keep winning games cuz the offense can't

Detroit 17 - maybe they'd give the Wolverines a game

As you begin to read this, I want you to know something first.  I want you to know that I could spout off to you like the typical Monday Morning Quarterback, railing and wailing on the NFL and NCAA happenings of the weekend.  I could tell you that the Raiders and Titans suck massively (which they do), or that Chad Johnson got the bleach knocked out of him (which he had coming), or that Roy Williams is a fool (which everyone knows). or that Oklahoma got screwed (which they did).  I could tell you all these things, but then I wouldn't be making any use of your time.  You can find all of this in the local paper, or USA Today, or SI, AP articles, or by simply watching SportsCenter.  I'd rather tell you about something you can't find anywhere else.

On Saturday evening, a tree fell in the forest- no, not Ryan Howard swinging his lumber- without being heard.  In Arlington, Texas, Chone Figgins, the 2005 Angels team MVP, went 4-4 with 3 runs scored and 3 RBI, and more importantly, he hit for the cycle.  Figgins became just the 5th player in frachise history to accomplish the difficult feat. 

Hitting for the cycle is unequivocally one of the most daunting tasks in baseball.  Extremely few players execute it successfully during a given season, and many have never done it at any point in their entire baseball careers- from Tee Ball to the Majors. 

The fact that Chone Figgins entered the game batting a meager .254, was recently moved down to the 9th spot in the order, and had already committed a fielding error, his 16th of the year, prior to even coming to the plate for his 1st at-bat, ensured that a landmark offensive night would dictate positive recourse.  But not on this night.

Figgins came up in the 9th with a man on, in hopes of smacking the omnipresently elusive triple to complete the cycle.  He banged one in the left-center gap, the run scored, and Figgins scampered his way around the bases, reaching 3rd safely.  His quote from the AP, "I was going all the way.  If I could get a ball and drive it, I was going for three."  Anyone watching the game could tell Figgins wanted it desparately as he indicates in his quote; upon reaching 3rd safely, Figgins sprang up, clapped his hands together, pumped his fist, and wore a Cheshire Cat-sized grin on his grill.

One problem buddy, when you glance at the scoreboard to confirm your 4-4 cycle, don't forget to read the column marked "R."  Let me remind you that your RBI triple made the score 12-5- in favor of TEXAS.  Let me remind you that the Oakland A's had already beaten the White Sox, AGAIN, in the their day game, extending their lead in the division to 5 and a half games before you had even set mission on your losing cause.  Let me remind you that your steady mire of hitting has sent you from .293 in May to the .260s in August, and now the .250s in September, when your team needed you the most.

Yes you are invaluable for your speed, heart, and flexibility in the field.  Yes your versatility has been abused and misused and it could be chiefly responsible for your slump.  And yes, you were the team MVP in '05.  But for the love of 4th quarter end zone celebrations when your team is already down by 50, why did you have to get so excited?

Why were you so ecstatic about an individual feat when your team's playoff chances were being ripped away from you in front of your eyes?  What was so pleasing about a 12-6 loss and a 6 game deficit in the division?  Many people may have missed the alacrity Figgins displayed in the 9th, but I didn't.  I didn't because I know it's not something I would've seen in 2002 when the Angels played together with a team attitude and team goals and went out and won the World Series.

Perhaps it's this type of individualistic attitude that has the Angels stuck behind the A's in the standings this year.  Maybe it's the reason they've completely underachieved based on expectations and payroll.  I just know I wasn't celebrating when my team was down 12-5 and losing the playoff race, but Chone Figgins was.  The question is, would you?